Full Version: I Feel Cheated
I feel cheated... Poms are suppose to live a long life. Our little dog was only 10 1/2. Then in the back of my mind I hear "you cheated yourself" "he would have made it a little longer had you not had him put down". When we discovered the heart and pulmonary problems six weeks ago, I stupidily took on this "stoic" attitude that he was too good and precious of a little dog to let him suffer. I was soooo firm in my attitude... after his long and horrible last night on this earth and I made the decision.....now.... all I feel is sadness and resentment towards myself for not holding on to him for as long as I could. He Loved our family soooo much. He was so Dear.
Hi Again,
I know all about feeling cheated. Even though I know Dobermans usually only live to 9 or 10 years old I feel horribly cheated losing him at 7 1/2 years old. I'm trying so hard to understand why he was taken from me so soon, but most days I'm so hurt and angry I feel sick. Today has been an unusually bad day for me missing him - and it will be 4 weeks on Friday since I lost him. Right now I hate this house - there's not a room in it he didn't have his toys strewn about. We have a hot tub and a small but pretty inground pool in our back yard and I feel sick about the upcoming summer. How can I tell my husband that it's too painful for me to back there. My baby didn't care if I was sitting in the hot tub or swimming in the pool or cooking on the grill - if I was out there he was there too bringing me toys to throw until we were both exhausted. I can't stand to look back there. And my biggest sorrow of all is that on his last day here on earth I was in rush to get to work because I was late and then I left work and had to go directly 2 hours out of town. I can't remember if I even snuggled him and told him I loved him that morning. the next time I saw him he was gone. I wish I could give you some sage advice thagt would help to ease your pain and to help you realize that you did what you thought was best for him BECAUSE he was so dear and you loved him so much. All I can really do is empathize with you and cry with you because I'm still struggling to cope with my own grief and anger and pain. Some days I think I'm really doing better, then I have days like today where it hurts so bad I can barely breathe. Keep in touch and keep writing. Here is a great place to pour out your feelings - whatever they may be. And on days when you fell that you are the only person who has ever loved so hard and hurt so bad, just remember that everyone who respponds to you in this forum has been right where you are today. And somehow, some way they've all found a way to cope, to recover and to move on. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.
I know all about feeling cheated. Even though I know Dobermans usually only live to 9 or 10 years old I feel horribly cheated losing him at 7 1/2 years old. I'm trying so hard to understand why he was taken from me so soon, but most days I'm so hurt and angry I feel sick. Today has been an unusually bad day for me missing him - and it will be 4 weeks on Friday since I lost him. Right now I hate this house - there's not a room in it he didn't have his toys strewn about. We have a hot tub and a small but pretty inground pool in our back yard and I feel sick about the upcoming summer. How can I tell my husband that it's too painful for me to back there. My baby didn't care if I was sitting in the hot tub or swimming in the pool or cooking on the grill - if I was out there he was there too bringing me toys to throw until we were both exhausted. I can't stand to look back there. And my biggest sorrow of all is that on his last day here on earth I was in rush to get to work because I was late and then I left work and had to go directly 2 hours out of town. I can't remember if I even snuggled him and told him I loved him that morning. the next time I saw him he was gone. I wish I could give you some sage advice thagt would help to ease your pain and to help you realize that you did what you thought was best for him BECAUSE he was so dear and you loved him so much. All I can really do is empathize with you and cry with you because I'm still struggling to cope with my own grief and anger and pain. Some days I think I'm really doing better, then I have days like today where it hurts so bad I can barely breathe. Keep in touch and keep writing. Here is a great place to pour out your feelings - whatever they may be. And on days when you fell that you are the only person who has ever loved so hard and hurt so bad, just remember that everyone who respponds to you in this forum has been right where you are today. And somehow, some way they've all found a way to cope, to recover and to move on. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I too feel cheated my dog Pepper died on April 20,2009 she was only 6 1/2 years old. She was a beautiful dog so good that I just don't understand why God took her from me. I had taken her to the vet as she wasn't feeling good (long version is in my posts) the vet did chest x-rays and ultrasound and diagnosed her with a Heart Hemicarsicoma which he said was already 7cm in size. The vet said he was going to look into it further and I was taking my dog home, while I was paying the bill she lied down and went into caridac arrest, her tongue turned blue. They tried to revive her, but she was too far gone and they had to euthanize her so she would'nt lie on the table barely breathing for hours when there was no chance she would come back from the massive heart fairlure. It was actually my brother that finally agreed to it as I just couldn't say yes, I was so scared, but the vet said it was best as she was too far gone. Even now I keep thinking there must have been something I could've done before she went into cardiac arrest or maybe she would've had miracle if I had've just waited. The ultrasound specialist had said we should consider humane options for her due to her cancer being so progressed. Until a week before she died she seemed fine, even the day we took her she was not quite herself and had the runs, but the last thing I expected was for her to die at the vet, I was paying the bill to take her home when she died. It really upsets me because her breed bordercollie/shepherd should live to be 12-14 years old and she died of cancer before 7 years. It just isn't right. It just isn't fair. Your dog and Hslesgirls dog were much to young and it is normal for us to feel cheated out of so many years. I miss my dog terribly everday. Just know there are many of us who have been exactly where you are and I really feel for you. It will take time, a lot of time.
PLEASE PARDON ALL CAP LETTERS. I'M TYPING WITH ONE HAND SO IS EASIER FOR ME. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ...
BK59, HSLESGIRL AND TRULIE, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSSES. MY DEEPEST CONDOLENCES. YES, I ALSO FEEL CHEATED. ALEX WAS 15 YEARS, 5 MONTHS AND 11 DAYS OLD. HE HAD NEVER BEEN SICK ONE DAY IN HIS LIFE AND DID HAVE A LIFE SPAN EXPECTANCY OF
35 TO 40 YEARS. IT IS CRIMINAL (LITERALLY SPEAKING) WHAT WAS DONE TO HIM, MY BUDDY DOG AND STYX KITTY. THANK GOD I GOT TO BUDDY AND STYX IN THE NICK OF TIME BEFORE THEY WERE KILLED. I WAS TOO LATE FOR ALEX. HE WAS SO VERY SWEET, FRIENDLY, COMPASSIONATE, PLAYFUL, TRUSTING, TREMENDOUSLY INTELLIGENT AND TALENTED WITH SUCH A KIND AND GENTLE MIND AND SOUL. HE DID NOT DESERVE WHAT WAS DONE TO HIM.
SO, ALEX AND I WERE BOTH CHEATED. GOD REST HIS SOUL. I WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER FRIEND AND AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE HAD HIM IN MY LIFE. WILL I EVER COMPLETELY RECOVER LOSING HIM? I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT. HE WOULD WANT ME TO FIND THAT HEALING PATH SO, GOSH DANG IT, I'M GONNA FIND A WAY TO COPE. I OWE HIM THAT. I OWE HIM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. HE DECORATED MY LIFE! REST IN PEACE SWEET BABY BOY ALEX. I LOVE YOU!
ALWAYS,
DOTTIE xoxoxox
BK59, HSLESGIRL AND TRULIE, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSSES. MY DEEPEST CONDOLENCES. YES, I ALSO FEEL CHEATED. ALEX WAS 15 YEARS, 5 MONTHS AND 11 DAYS OLD. HE HAD NEVER BEEN SICK ONE DAY IN HIS LIFE AND DID HAVE A LIFE SPAN EXPECTANCY OF
35 TO 40 YEARS. IT IS CRIMINAL (LITERALLY SPEAKING) WHAT WAS DONE TO HIM, MY BUDDY DOG AND STYX KITTY. THANK GOD I GOT TO BUDDY AND STYX IN THE NICK OF TIME BEFORE THEY WERE KILLED. I WAS TOO LATE FOR ALEX. HE WAS SO VERY SWEET, FRIENDLY, COMPASSIONATE, PLAYFUL, TRUSTING, TREMENDOUSLY INTELLIGENT AND TALENTED WITH SUCH A KIND AND GENTLE MIND AND SOUL. HE DID NOT DESERVE WHAT WAS DONE TO HIM.
SO, ALEX AND I WERE BOTH CHEATED. GOD REST HIS SOUL. I WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER FRIEND AND AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE HAD HIM IN MY LIFE. WILL I EVER COMPLETELY RECOVER LOSING HIM? I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT. HE WOULD WANT ME TO FIND THAT HEALING PATH SO, GOSH DANG IT, I'M GONNA FIND A WAY TO COPE. I OWE HIM THAT. I OWE HIM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. HE DECORATED MY LIFE! REST IN PEACE SWEET BABY BOY ALEX. I LOVE YOU!
ALWAYS,
DOTTIE xoxoxox
BK59 - you hit the nail right on the head. I, too, was so stoic the day I made the loathed decision. At the time, I was so grateful for the strength and the clarity of mind behind that decision. But now I am so full of questioning and regrets that are so hard to live with. Now I am thinking: what was the rush? Eternity is forever - I'll never have her back - and yet, I couldn't have allowed her to live just a few more days? What the heck was my rush??
But our minds play these horrible tricks on us because our minds are confused. Why would we kill something we love? We grapple to make sense of it and to find blame. Who else can we blame but ourselves? But then, when I force myself to go back relive those last days, I remember all the facts that led me to my decision. My Abbey was having trouble swallowing. She had stopped eating altogether. She couldn't find a comfortable position in the house because of the damage to her internal organs (either due to the cancer itself or the chemo affects) so she pleaded to be let outside almost relentlessly. There - in the below- freezing temperatures with terrible windchills, she layed down in the snow - not on the front steps where she always used to lay- but on her belly in the snow with her nose nuzzled into the snow like she was trying to hide. She'd lie there for nearly a half an hour until she began to shiver. I think the cold numbed her pain. When I saw her shaking, I would have to drag her by the collar back inside just to warm up a bit so she wouldn't freeze to death. But that's what I think she wanted to do, just like animals in the wild. Go away from the house and people and just die alone. So yes, I could have waited another day or so and continue to bear witness to her great suffering and watch her wither away from dehydration and grasp for air - until she finally had a seizure - which the vet told me would have been the next step in her process. I could have tried to comfort her through all that and let her die naturally, but it would have been for purely selfish reasons - just because I didn't want to say goodbye when it was time. So in retrospect, as much as it has virtually killed me, I did the right thing at the right time. I still feel mortally wounded by the whole experience, especially of course losing her. The house, without my Abbey in it feels like looking in the mirror and not seeing your own reflection. The void is huge and feels so powerful and wrong and confusing. I am so very sad still. I cry often - even at work or driving home - just with a simplest passing thought of her at the most unexpected times. I truly feel like I have killed my own child. I miss her terribly.
But our minds play these horrible tricks on us because our minds are confused. Why would we kill something we love? We grapple to make sense of it and to find blame. Who else can we blame but ourselves? But then, when I force myself to go back relive those last days, I remember all the facts that led me to my decision. My Abbey was having trouble swallowing. She had stopped eating altogether. She couldn't find a comfortable position in the house because of the damage to her internal organs (either due to the cancer itself or the chemo affects) so she pleaded to be let outside almost relentlessly. There - in the below- freezing temperatures with terrible windchills, she layed down in the snow - not on the front steps where she always used to lay- but on her belly in the snow with her nose nuzzled into the snow like she was trying to hide. She'd lie there for nearly a half an hour until she began to shiver. I think the cold numbed her pain. When I saw her shaking, I would have to drag her by the collar back inside just to warm up a bit so she wouldn't freeze to death. But that's what I think she wanted to do, just like animals in the wild. Go away from the house and people and just die alone. So yes, I could have waited another day or so and continue to bear witness to her great suffering and watch her wither away from dehydration and grasp for air - until she finally had a seizure - which the vet told me would have been the next step in her process. I could have tried to comfort her through all that and let her die naturally, but it would have been for purely selfish reasons - just because I didn't want to say goodbye when it was time. So in retrospect, as much as it has virtually killed me, I did the right thing at the right time. I still feel mortally wounded by the whole experience, especially of course losing her. The house, without my Abbey in it feels like looking in the mirror and not seeing your own reflection. The void is huge and feels so powerful and wrong and confusing. I am so very sad still. I cry often - even at work or driving home - just with a simplest passing thought of her at the most unexpected times. I truly feel like I have killed my own child. I miss her terribly.
{{{{{AngelBear'sLuv}}}}} Many Comforting Hugs!!!
Always,
Angel xoxoxox
Always,
Angel xoxoxox
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