My house and me are so empty. How do you get rid of this feeling of emptiness and loneliness? I come home from work and sit on the stairs because I don't want to go in. I have a husband, so it's not like I'm alone all the time. I just miss my little baby soooooo much. I still feel like an empty shell. I don't look forward to anything any more. I used to live for the weekends, now I dread them because I used to spend a lot of time with Max. My house is so quiet. No barking, no crunching puppy bites, no playing and shaking his toys all over the hardwood floor. Just empty and lonely and sad.
I am a supporter of Small Paws Rescue and they said I qualify for a puppy because I am a griever. They said the puppies are heart menders and fix broken hearts. Should I get one to fill up the emptiness? I can't do that to Max. Just replace him. He is sooooo special to me. Would another puppy break my heart again? I can't go through this again. I am already on anti-depressants. What's my next step???? I'm so confused. Do I start doing things that I was restricted from doing before, because I had Max and had to be there to take care of him? But...I don't feel like doing anything. Has anyone been this confused??????? How can I stop this emptiness and sadness and not wanting to do anything? I go to work each day, but I look like hell. I'm ready to cry at anything. I feel like a delicate flower (although I don't look like one), who is just waiting to be crushed. My husband gives me lots of hugs and we cry together. He's very sad also. But he can move on. I am just stuck in this. I have a poem from Marcia about remembering what he has left. I am not concentrating on what WAS anymore, I am concentrating on the here and now and I can't seem to stop missing him so much. What can I do?????? Even if there were things to do.....I don't want to do them!!!!! I'm falling apart.
Thanks for listening
Carol

Hi Carol,

I had a dog before this one, Jake, who just passed. His name was Todd and he lived to be 17, I had to put him down too. Todd was my first dog all my own, and I really took it hard when he died -- i didn't get another dog (Jake) for over 3 years.

I think that was too long.

This time, even though Jake's passing was COMPLETELY unexpected, I felt right away and my husband agrees, we are going to get another English Setter very soon, within the next couple of months. We loved Jake so much and the minute he was gone, and we came home to this big quiet house, it was just so glaringly obvious how much life and love and just plain FUN Jake brought to us -- and neither one of us wants to live without that. We've talked about the whole process, the inevitable pain that comes with their shorter life span, but both of us feel the pain is worth the 10+ years of loving devotion they give you. The alternative, no dog or pet at all in our life, well, I just don't see how people live without some kind of animal companion, they add so much. I don't want to do that, live without a dog, and I absolutely refuse to do that, it seems a grim life to me.

I think you should take a puppy. It's probably the finest tribute you could pay to Max, to get another, it will show him how much you loved what he brought to your life. Aren't you glad you owned him in the first place, can you imagine your life with never having owned him at all? I never thought I could love another dog after my first one died, but Jake came along and he was a completely different personality, he was all his own dog! but he stole my heart anyway.

You will still grieve for Max, you are going to do that no matter what. You may as well have a little joy along with all the pain, don't you think?

hugs to you (((Carol)))

ps One of our friends said to us, about getting another dog, he said look at it this way: you're not replacing your old friend, you're just making a new friend.

I really feel your pain Maxi's Mom. I've lost both my parents and my brother and the pain I am feeling for the loss of Ava out wieghs the loss of my entire family. I was close to being this sad when my marriage broke down in 1983. It's kind of strange actually, having been through the grieving process for each of my losses, I know more or less what to expect out it. The real variable is how long it takes. I know time is the best healer and that the grieving process can seem never ending. Trust me, it does end. The sadness is replaced with fond memories that will mend your broken heart. Like some one said here, when you're feeling really down and the tears won't seem to stop, as difficult as it may be, try to think of something your little buddy used to do that never failed to make you laugh or bring a smile to your face. You might not laugh now and it may not stop your river of tears but it does ease the pain a little. One of the things my Ava used to do in the winter, is stick her face into the snow (no digging) until her head was buried past her ears. When she pulled her head up, she'd sneeze and there would always be a little pile of snow left on her nose. That may not seem funny to other people but it used to make me laugh when she did it. Silly dog. I try to think of the funny things and the fun stuff we used to do together as difficult to do as it is right now.

I'd raised my son on my own and my daughter lived with my ex most of the time. My son recently got married (surprise to me) and has moved away with his wife to Alberta (I'm in BC) about a month ago. My house was never lively but it felt lived in and comfortable. Now there is just me. My son phoned the other day and I told him the sad news. I think he was pretty tore up about it too and he asked if his leaving had made dealing with my loss harder. I said, yes because I didn't have him readily available to talk to. But I went on to say that he shouldn't worry about me and lied saying that I had been through worse, he has his own life to live and kids do grow up and move away.

As for 'replacing' Maxi, that is a tough one to make a call on. First off, you wouldn't be replacing him. Even if your new dog was the same breed and looks, it will have it's own personality and it wouldn't be Maxi. After taking Ava to the vet to get her cremated, I took her dog food and treats to the SPCA which is located almost right next door to the vet. The attendant had been over to the vet when I brought Ava's body to the vet and saw me bawling my eyes out. She was supportive when I arrived with the food and asked if I'd like to see the animals available for adoption. I thought briefly about getting a kitten (I love cats too) but I held off. There will always be time to get another pet when I'm ready. I'd like to get another dog some day but right now a puppy or dog would have huge 'paws' to fill and in my opinion it wouldn't be fair. Again time will change that I know from previous pets that I have lost. You'll know when you're ready for a new buddy.

Yes, my house is very empty, like yours. I miss having to be careful not to trip over Ava as she always seemd to choose the busiest places to lie down in. I miss how she would get up and stretch when ever she heard the noise from my lazy boy chair and figured it was either time to eat or time to go outside. Let's face it, I miss her dearly. Like you Maxi's Mom, like all of us here. I know time will mend things, it's just difficult getting through that time right now.

Replacing isn't possible. If someone loses a child and then decides to have another one - are they replacing them? No... they feel the need to be a parent and need someone to give their love to. You learn very quickly that your new pet isn't a "replacement". They make their own place in your heart and life.

Do what you feel you NEED. In your heart. I adopted a little kitten four months after Jesse passed away - and I don't regret it at all. Having a little furry baby using Jesse and Edgar's bowls - and playing with their toys - made me feel much better. I DO compare him to them often - in the same way a parent compares two children to each other. One isn't "better" than the other - they are "different'. Animals are, as we all know, very individual - as much as we are.

Yes you should do the things you were restricted from doing. Yes you should move forward, even if it hurts. Yes it will hurt for a long time.

What would Max think of you if you didn't live FOR him? Imagine how silly our loved ones must think we are when they look down at our grief - we waste so much of the little bit of life that is left to us when mourning the loss of THEIRS.

Start simply - find one minute each day when you enjoy something. A ray of sunshine on your face - a joke on tv - the beauty of a coloured leaf - a little child running down the sidewalk... Slowly those moments will expand to a few minutes - and slowly the sad moments will begin to lessen.

And always - always - come and talk to us.

Dear Carol,

I understand and I am going through the same thing. My husband works on Saturdays and that was my time alone with Stymy. He like to help me clean and chase the va%%e. Then when I was done we would lay around for the rest of the day. Now I am having a hard time cleaning because I don't have my buddy with me. I have dust every were! (its' been almost 4 weeks)

I think about getting another dog now, but I am afraid I would compare the new dog to Stymy and that would not be fair. Stymy had cancer for about 5 months before we put him down, so I put my life on hold to spend more time with him. I can understand about doing things you haven't been able to do. I am going to wait to get another animal. That doesn't mean that if a stray was sitting on my back door tonight I wouldn't take him in, but I think I still need to heal my heart. I think when I am stronger emotionally, I can be a better mom to a new puppy.

Do what you need to do because everyone is different. What is good for me may not be good for you. And only you know what is the best thing for you.

Best wishes,
Vicki (Always Stymy's Mom)

This makes the most sense to me! You probably really are at your happiest giving a living breathing creature your love and attention! All of us need a "place" to put our affection--! Sure, life is probably "easier" to some extent without a pet...but a whole lot less "colorful".
For myself I am going to wait and see if Ginger sends me a pal. I am not going to go out of my way. If an animal shows up like he did--scared and skinny..I will consider that Ginger is behind it. But, I also have my Ruggles and I don't know how I would feel without him! He fills up my house--just like your Max did. I bet you spent a good amount of your time talking with your husband about Max! he was a "central figure" in your house!---I know how that is too---It is like everything has changed!
Right at the moment, I would tend to lean toward getting another pooch if I were you. You would not be being "disloyal" to Max, you would be building upon your favorable relationship with him--by providing a new home to one who needs one--and he or she would be an altogether new experience...probably very unique and interesting! I vote yes...I bet Max would too, you just need to not feel rushed into anything.
Thinking of you and your h too!
Love,
Patti

Hey Carol,
I just wanted to say you might want to read some of my posts about adopting two from the animal shelter -- one 8-year old Poodle and a puppy.

I will try to write again, in the morning. I've been on the computer for a long time tonight and I was moving all day today, have to work tomorrow, and am VERY TIRED so I'm going to sign off for now. But as Stymy's Mom said, everyone is different. I can share my experience and my thoughts with you, and that might help some. I was VERY, VERY CONFUSED, believe me.

About the other, about just not wanting to do anything, I still am like that a lot because I do miss Hannah soooo much too! I still don't "do" makeup usually except for work anymore, and I don't feel like getting dressed up and going anywhere.

I too tried and still do sometimes to push away the awful pain and longing for my little Hannah. I know it feels like you'll just die, but you won't . . . just keep coming here and posting like you did. That helped me a lot, and then after awhile the terrible, terrible feeling will go away, at least for awhile, then it comes back again, then it goes away, then it comes back . . . I guess the thing is that it will take some time, but the really bad days will become further apart.
Take care of yourself too. I know I'm still not eating right, etc., even though I know how important it is. I'm trying. It's hard though to take care of yourself when you're just wishing you had Max there to take care of. I know. I know. I know.

I too try to remember that poem -- it helps sometimes because I know it is true --
". . . we can smile because they lived, we can open our eyes and see all they've left, we can be full of the love we shared, we can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday, we can cherish their memories and let them live on, we can do what they would want -- smile, open our eyes, love and go on."
-- Author Unknown MODIFIED BY MARCIA FOR ALL OF US!
Love,
Marcia

Thank you all so very much for helping me out yesterday. I feel so so bad some days, I feel like I can't go on. My day was just so upsetting and then to top it off, I got the dreaded phone call last night from the hospital that Max had been returned to them and was ready to be picked up. I have to go bring him home. I am afraid I'm going to be hysterical again in the hospital. I went hysterical over the phone call. I guess I will have something physical now to hold and kiss, but I know it's going to take it's toll on me.
Thank you J4Lorn, Gort, DJ_Edgar, Jesse, Tom's Mom, Vicki, Patti and Marcia for responding when I needed some help so badly yesterday.

Hugs to you all
Carol

Hi Carol,
Do you have someone who can go with you?

-Sharon

Maxiesmommy, yes the ashes thing was so very hard for me! But you are correct that you will have "something to kiss"! ....I often do that and at first it seemed so sad and pathetic but with time I became so very happy to have my Ginger here with me. I am so glad that I opted to keep the ashes! With all my other pets I did not..Let us know how you are feeling. I know this is such a difficult time for you. Getting the ashes is one more step in your journey. Remember to try to keep the positive signs that Maxie sent you uppermost in your mind!
Big Hug!!! {{{{{{{{{{Carol}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love,
Patti

I kinda wish I'd opted to get the ashes back, but I was afraid it would be too painful. We planted a white flowering crabapple tree in the backyard, and I ordered a kitty statue to put under it. I figure it is where Zoe loved to be. This way the unsuspecting birds will land in her "arms" of her tree.

I see those words "House is so empty" and my entire body is in gut wrenching pain! On Wednesday 9/8/04 we had to put our beloved schnauzer, Dieter, to sleep. He was the light of my life, my best friend and companion (my husband's too). We don't have any children and have been married for 15 years and Dieter was 14 yrs and 4 months old. I had no idea the undescribable grief that would take over me. I can't sleep, eat, think. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I find myself looking for him, just wanting to hold him and snuggle and get those special DeeDee kisses. He was the greatest dog, ever, truly our baby. My husbands "little boy", as he would call him. I do feel blessed that we even got a chance to spend our life with him, he was that special. In the last couple of weeks I'd noticed he was having a tough time climbing the stairs, then on 9/1 I took him to the vet to let them have a look. The took some x-rays and did blood work and started treating him with prednisone. The blood work came back with really elevated liver enzymes. On 9/3 we were back at the vet because he was running a high fever of 105. They gave him fluids and put him on an antibiotic. He wasn't interested in his food or water, so I fed him ice chips, which he always loved, to try and keep him hydrated. He didn't get better and on 9/7 we ended up at the Emergency vet with the temp back at 105 and him in great pain. I know you guys know how it just kills you to see them sick and you'd do anything to take away their pain. They took more blood, and x-rays and ended up doing an ultrasound of his liver due to even higher enzymes than on 9/1. Well that showed 5 masses in his liver, and the outlook grim. In December 2003 we had a malignant melanoma removed from his neck and it was the worst stage melanoma. So given his history, and many discussions between our vet and the Emergency vets, we had to make the decision to let him go so he wouldn't suffer. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do even though I know it was right. I spent the morning of 9/8 just loving him and he was in such pain and just let us know it was time. God, how do you prepare for this grief. I'm completely shattered and lost without him. I work for a company in another state and have my office at home and I can't even go in there. He was always with me, my little "co-worker". I miss him sooooo much. I find myself roaming the house, grabbing his toys and laying my head on his bead to just be near him. We try to sleep at night only to wake up with either myself or my husband sobbing for our "little guy". I'm so glad I found this forum. I so needed to connect with others who have been there and are there. I just don't know how to get through this.

Dear Dietersmom! Could you copy and paste your story into a new thread? I am afraid not so many people will see your story tucked inside Maxiemommy's thread.
I am so sorry about your losing your Dieter!! Many of us here have pets as family--(I do!) several of us feel our loss has similarities of losing a "child" --but of course lots of people with children take offense to such a notion (not having a full appreciation for how much we can be invested in our "fur children")---My heart goes straight out to you and your husband!! I wish I could give you a real life hug. I hope you are aware and believe that your Dieter is at the rainbow bridge with all our pets now--100% happy and playful and young as he once was!! He will play and cavort with Ginger and all the other pets until that day when he can be reunited with you!
I am thinking of you!!
hope you will start a new thread so other folks can "talk" with you!!
Love,
Patti

Gingerspal, thank you so much for your kind words. I have made a new thread as you suggested. I could so relate to Max's Mommy and her feelings and so I just started typing my feelings, and I'm having a bundle of them. Again, I'm glad I found this place.