I put my 12-year old diabetic cat Calvin to sleep in Feb. 1, and I have been heartbroken and filled with guilt and remorse ever since.

His diabetes had been regulated for 4 years. He got diabetes when he was 7 years old. It was a difficult process in the beginning trying to get him regulated. The hospital was unable to regulate him because he did not want to eat and was homesick. We tried two different human insulins and he resisted them both. He had two bladder infections and neuropathy in his back legs. The vet told me he would not walk right again. Finally I found bovine insulin from feline diabetes groups. We tried it, and within 2 months, he was regulated and the neuropathy went away. His only other health problem was bladder stones. That was a middle of the night emergency, but he healed fine from that.

He was not sick for four years, and I guess I got complacent. For some reason, I had the deadly mindset that the only disease he would get would be related to his diabetes (ketones, blood sugar problems, bladder infections). Either that or I unconsciously did not want to face the fact that he might be ill. He was my favorite of 4 (his brother Hobbes and my dogs Charlie and Maddie).

A few months before he got so sick this last time, when I took him for a BG reading, his sugar was very low. We kept decreasing his insulin until suddenly his BG spiked. His insulin dosage finally ended up where it had been. For a long time in the past it was 9 units twice a day. In early December he had a good reading at 6 units twice a day, and I was told I should return if he showed clinical signs of problems.

I have always known that canned food is better for diabetics than dry food, but Calvin would not eat much canned food. I got dry food with chicken or salmon as the first ingredient and no corn or wheat gluten. Still, I am sure he got too many carbohydrates.

I know I should have caught earlier the fact that something was not right with him. That’s the main way I let him down, I think, that and letting him go a couple of days without eating. In my ignorance, I did not realize that it was dangerous for cats not to eat, especially diabetics. A friend had told me that cats could go for quite a while without food as long as they were drinking (he never stopped drinking). He did not come out to eat until I called him, and then I did not watch how much he was eating. There had also been urine under the litter box. He had peed on the edge of the box before, so I just cleaned it up. It had happened before, but not to this extent.

About two weeks before he stopped eating altogether, he would stop eating early and Hobbes, his brother, would start to eat his food. When I noticed that, I would take his food away from Hobbes and give it back to Calvin, who would eat some more but not finish. I just thought he was not as hungry, and I was probably fooled about how much he ate due to Hobbes eating his food. He was not really acting differently that I noticed otherwise. A few days later, when he stopped eating altogether, I called a mobile vet to spare him a trip to the vet (he would usually hide under the bed, which I could not crawl under, and several times I would have to reschedule for blood sugar checks. I should have used a broom). This vet said he had a fever and an infection and gave me Clavamox. He did not notice the enlarged liver or seem to know that it is dangerous for a diabetic cat not to eat. I asked him if not eating was bad for the liver, since I had begun researching on the internet, and he said that if Calvin just ate a little that the liver would be fine. The next day Calvin would not eat. I called this vet, who said to give him less Clavamox and his appetite should return. That sounded wrong to me, so I called my vet, which I should have done in the first place. I stopped the Clavamox and began feeding him diluted canned food through the Clavamox syringe. Calvin was kept overnight at Capital Area and blood tests were run. They thought his liver was enlarged and possibly failing due to fatty liver or neoplasia, and said his prognosis was very poor. I considered euthanizing him then, but I couldn’t stand the thought of not giving him a chance.

The tests showed nothing very out of line except low blood urea nitrogen, not surprising since he was not eating, and elevated bilirubin and blood sugar; his liver enzymes were normal. I took him to the Animal Emergency Center, and they got his fever down and his appetite back by Monday, when I took him for ultrasound and fine-needle aspirations. It turned out he had pancreatitis, an inflamed gall bladder, cholecystitis, abnormal cells in his liver, an intestinal mass, and accompanying anorexia, fever, and jaundice.

After he got out of the emergency center, he ate OK and even did a few of his kitty things for a few days, although I suspect the ravenous eating and drinking and constant peeing may have been partly due to high blood sugar. Thursday evening he would not eat much, and Friday he ate only a very little (he ate a little of his former dry food with catnip spray; he lapped at newly opened cans of Royal Canin RS; he licked at clam juice; he showed no interest when I poured tuna and salmon juice on food). I force fed him about 30 ml. of food on Friday in addition to the little he ate on his own, and maybe 20 ml. – literally nothing - on Saturday, but I lost heart. I had to wake him up to feed him, and he kept turning his head away. He was so tired. He would drink a while and then fall asleep with his head on the water dish. It was heartbreaking. He ventured out to the bathroom once and got to the sink via the toilet. I dripped the water from the faucet as I always did for him to drink, but he just stared at it. Then he turned around and crouched. I couldn’t stand it.

I had tried to get his antibiotic into him by crushing it into his food, but found out that I needed to get it into him separately. I pilled him OK on Thursday and Friday, but I lost heart on Saturday, since I had begun to say good-bye to him in my heart. I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM BACK TO THE EMERGECNY CENTER OF FRIDAY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET HIM TO EAT ON HIS OWN. On Sunday morning, after he peed, he just lay in his litter box (and I had to lift him down to his litter box). My heart broke. I took him to the emergency center and found out his hematocrit was 25%, down from 33% a week earlier, and he had lost a pound in a week. His fever was back. What I had thought might be purring when I put my ear to his head was audible breathing. I could not stand the thought that his breathing might become labored.

I was afraid Calvin might be chronically ill with pancreatitis for the rest of his life. It can recur, and it's painful. He was not old for a cat, but not young either, especially for a diabetic cat. A good friend told me I looked worse than Calvin. In ten days, I lost 5 pounds on an already thin frame, and I was falling asleep where I sat. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and I was beginning to despair of my ability to care for him properly and work even my part-time hours. I took a week off to be with him, but it was unpaid, and I could not afford to keep doing that, although I would have liked to be with him all the time. I was also thinking about money, since my retirement funds are much depleted due to the economic crisis. I had spent around $3,000, including not getting paid for my week off. I could have spent more, and I am sorry I even thought about money. I have since learned that the vet who did the ultrasound was planning to get him stabilized, do a liver biopsy, and remove the mass from his intestine.

Calvin did not interact with me much after Wednesday, and he must have been very uncomfortable and in pain. He would crouch a lot of the time, I guess to avoid pressure on his organs. Once he relaxed, he looked better, but he could not stand to be petted for long. Even his insulin injections seemed to bother him, and I used a very fine needle.

I did not know what to do.

I feel so guilty that I did not put him in the hospital again to be strengthened for a feeding tube. A friend talked me out of the feeding tube and another said she would never do it, but that was the only thing that could save him. I was afraid of the anesthesia, but it turns out, I have since learned, that it is not a big deal.

The vet on call said that I could hospitalize him so that they could watch the anemia, but did not say anything about euthanasia except that it was a “fair option.” He did not help me at all. If he had recommended putting Calvin back in the hospital, I would have. He just said it was a complicated case.

The euthanasia did not give me any peace. He was wrapped in the blanket I gave him, so he did not feel the cold table, and I had one hand on his head. I told him I loved him, He had his head and paw on my other hand. When his eyes went flat after the anesthesia went into the catheter, I ran screaming from the room.

If he had cancer, I guess it would not have helped a lot to have gotten him to the vet sooner. I was afraid to get a biopsy to find out due to blood loss and the anesthesia that go with a biopsy. I just hope not all of these problems were due to my poor care. He seemed to do well for so long. I don’t have much faith in full CBC panels any more, since he had one of those several months ago and everything looked fine.

I miss his elfin kitty spirit, his naps in my lap, kisses on my neck, and the fact that his tail was always up. It will take me a long time to come to terms with his illness and his absence from my life. There is a huge hole in my heart, and I miss him inexpressibly. I feel regret and guilt that will probably last the rest of my life. I was so selfish. I have read so many stories of people who went so much farther for their pets. I was alone in caring for him, and I lost heart. Calvin, I am so sorry. I cry every morning and evening. I have cried in public places. I have spent too much consulting animal communicators. I am having trouble functioning, and I can't forgive myself. After doing my best for Calvin all his life, I failed him at the end when it mattered most.

I wanted to send my sincere sorries for your lost. Please don't be too hard on yourself. It seems to me you did far and beyond to save your sweet Calvin. Vet's are human and can only give you their best prognosis and treatments since our babies can't speak to them.

Reading your story brought me to tears. I went through a long illness with my dog and know the anguish of seeing your furbaby sick.

My heart goes out to you.

All my best

Candy's Dad

Hal

Hi, Roberman, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Calvin. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Please believe me when I say to you that you did EVERYTHING AND MORE that was in your human power to take EXCELLENT care of your precious Calvin. In December 2006 I had to decide to help my precious number one kitty son Eli go home to the angels - - he was only 6 years old. Four months prior to that he had been diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma - - a diagnosis I was in no way even remotely suspecting to hear - -. After his emergency surgery which included having to remove his right kidney that was fully involved, he was released home to me with a feeding tube. I was ever so glad when that tube was finally removed and so was my Eli. He had 6 weeks of palliative chemo treatments which gave us an additional 2 months post treatments together. When he stopped eating for the final time, I promised him I would help him go home to the angels. The vet - - out of professionalism - - asked me if I wanted to have her insert another feeding tube, and without hesitation I said absolutely NOT. You see, when the physical body is shutting down, forcing the body to process food when it can't any longer is very painful. Like your Calvin's body, my Eli's body was shutting down. I could feel the fluid begin to fill his abdominal cavity, and he didn't have the strength to be Eli anymore. Euthanasia is never an easy decision to make - - even when we know in our hearts that our precious companion is ready to let go of their painful physical body - - but it is the last gift of love we can give to our precious companions - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they can go home to the angels with their dignity still intact. Rotermom, this grief healing journey is a very painful one - - particularly in the beginning - - and unfortunately getting through the guilt stage is a part of the process. Hopefully in time you will come to know a peace in your heart that you truly did the very best you could for your precious Calvin, and that his sweet living Spirit is still with you as he always has been in your heart and your memories. Please know you are not alone in this journey - - you are among friends here who do know and understand how you are feeling, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Roterman, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I'm so sorry for your loss of Calvin. I think you did the best you could. I too often if I jumped the gun. I remember the vet saying "if he pulls thru this he may have complications later". I could not bear the thought. I let him go when his breathing became difficult. I still ofter wonder. It's not 'til after the fact we tend to beat ourselves up. There is an article on euthenatize in the Pet Loss Resouse and Articles that has helped me. The part I think of the most is when it said something about living in moment of when you made the decision and why. I know money was a concern. Calvin's medical conditions was the issue. The quality of his life was deteriorating and that is why you let him go. You gave him the best cf care and he had a loving home, be at peace with yourself for that....Many hugs..Ann

My current vet, who saw Calvin Thursday, says that if she had known Calvin had stopped eating totally, she would have discouraged me from putting in a feeding tube. He would have been at risk for infection, and he would not have made it anyway. She agreed that he was too compromised for a biopsy. I felt a little better, although I am still kicking myself for not noticing that he was not around (hiding) and not coming to sit on my lap and not eating less and less. That's the trouble with having more than one cat. I tended to feed them and not worry if all the food was gone. It was gone because Hobbes was eating it, and he gained a half pound while Calvin was losing. When I did catch Hobbes eating his food, it was only a couple of days before Calvin stopped eating altogether.

He had fatty liver developing, but that was not the problem; it was the pancreatitis, cholangiohepatitis and IBD, along with an inflamed gall bladder, uncontrolled diabetes and abnormal cells in his liver which may have been cancer (the vet thought they were suspicious due to their characteristics and fast growth). Any food he was getting would not have been absorbed well. I realize now that he was having very foul smelling feces, for a while. I didn't know whose they were, but that must have been due to his IBD. His body was falling apart, and I didn't even notice. I was preoccupied due to an auto accident I had on New Year's Eve (I was not hurt except for sore ribs, but my car was totaled and the other driver did not have insurance, so I had to pay my deductible, even though she hit me). I was in shock and thinking about renting a car and finding another car and filling out paperwork. That is certainly no excuse.

I am so sorry that my little Calvin had to endure so much pain and that he was saddled with diabetes for a good part of his life. He was overweight, which was not good. At the time he was being regulated, he was not, but the pounds crept on as he got older. He was not obese, but he weighed more than he should have.

I keep hoping I will feel better, and every day I don't. I cry a lot and I talk to him and tell him I am sorry. I think I am in a clinical depression and am thinking of going to a therapist. I don't want to do anything I don't have to.

Hi, roberman, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. Please believe me - - working through the paperwork and insurance mess after the accident did NOT take away from your care of your precious Calvin. You were in no way derelict in your care of him. I am so glad you had a chance to talk to your regular vet, and that she was able to give you some comfort and encouragement. Our furkids are masters at disguising how they are feeling - - it's part of their survival skills they inherited from their wild cousins and ancestors. When there are multiple kitties - - or dogs - - in the home, it's hard to know who is doing what that may need medical attention. We are merely humans - - we are not omnipotent beings, nor do we have the benefit of foresight, only the "wisdom" that comes from hindsight - - and it is the hindsight - - when we look back and start putting some of the pieces together - - that is the source of our guilt. This is part of the normal grief process, but I hope you will come to know in your heart that you did the very best for Calvin at all times and in all circumstances with the information that you knew at the time. The early stages of grief are the hardest because the grief is both physical and emotional, so it is important that you do what helps to comfort you through this very difficult time. And I hope that eventually you will be able to feel Calvin's sweet living Spirit still with you as he always has been - - sharing each day with you, and that you will be comforted in knowing that your relationship with him has just temporarily changed to a different dimension. Dawn, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I'm truly sorry for your loss of Calvin, Roberman. May you be comforted and receive signs of Calvin that are unmistakable to you.

I was watching the Dog Whisper the other night. They had an actress on who's dog became ill and she had to put her down. She said how guilty she felt about it. She said she felt like she killed her dog. The episode was about adopting the right dog for their other dog who was greiving too. Anyways, the part that stuck with me was when Ceasa Milano told her, medications only mask the problem for a little while, the illness remains. It made me think of so many here who desperately try to save their pets, but the main illness would eventually win over. I had no idea who the actress was. She had a son who looked about 12yrs. He was the wise one saying she was in a better place, happy, free and always with them. Yet he wanted the dog that looked like the one they lost, but it wasn't a good match. Another thing that was interesting was the actress had called Ceasar to ask him how would she know it was the right time. He said they let us know. And the boy said his dog gave him a look like he had never seen before and that's when he knew it was time.
How true that is. I've gotten "that look" before. It something you can't describe, you just know what it means.. Just wanted to share that with you and to anyone esle who reads it.
Time does heal and we are all different. Forget what everyone else says and take as much time as you need to. Calvin was your CHILD and will be forever..Hugs..Ann