Hi

First time I have posted although I joined the forum the day before we put our beloved alaskan malamute Lucky to sleep. Having trouble dealing with the decision and thought maybe if I wrote about it - it may help.

In July, Lucky had some stomach problems and we took him to the vet. After some basic tests they thought Lucky could have Pancreatitis or insuffiency. He was put on a special digestive enyzeme and general antibiotics and we started cooking for him (chicken and rice). After a few weeks he seemed better. Although the vet did say he wasn't sure he didn't have a tumor the test results could go either way. For three months we stayed with this course and he seemed okay - once we tried a couple of days off the antibiotics but his upset stomach came back. In the end of Oct - we noticed he had eye problems as well - light bothered him - squinting and pawing at his eyes. We decided we needed a specialist and we got our vet to make us an appointment - about a three hour drive away (one way). So we went and they did an ultrasound and found a large tumor - touching some organs. They suggested either surgery - outcome only 50/50 or euthanasia. Needless to say we were horribly upset and decided to take him home and probably go with euthanasia as the surgery didn't sound any better. I managed to ask about the eyes and they did a quick look (by now it was after 5pm) and said he had dry eyes and gave us some ointment.

We came home and tried the ointment but had a horrible time with it. Lucky would cry and hide when we tried to apply. We talked to our vet here but he didn't have the same kind in a drop but suggested we try a drugstore polysporin drop - which we did. We lasted about 10 days until his eyes were horrible and putting the drops in would cause tremors. We finally decided late in Nov to stop his pain.

Now for some reason the guilt is driving me nuts. Did we put him to sleep at the right time for the right reasons?? I know he had a tumor and wouldn't get better but the antibiotic made the stomach issue managable - but the eyes I couldn't take. Could we have done more about the eyes? Does it sound like a tumor that spread into his brain (blindness, pain and tremors?) I feel like the vet stopped once they found the stomach tumor and that we really euthanized him because of his eyes. Did we do enough??? The guilt is horrible and with Christmas coming it is so painful without him........

I don't blame the vets - the tests are horrible and what was the point? We know his stomach issues would come back- but I just feel like we did this too soon. If we could have kept the eyes comfortable we may have been able to keep him a little longer. He still was enjoying his walks, his people and his food - but I couldn't keep giving him tremors with the eye drops. Do you ever get to the point where you feel like you did all you could and the 'right' thing?

It sounds to me like you did everything you could for your beloved Lucky.

A tumor that will no doubt cause pain, weight loss and cause him not to be the dog you remember is not an easy thing to deal with. It is never easy to make the choice to put them to sleep but it is not easy to watch them get progressivly worse. Either way it is very heartbreaking.

Lucky had a couple of issues that made his care difficult and who wants to force medicine to an already ill dog that upset him like it did?

Our daughter had a cat with cancer & the medicine caused her so much trauma that she had a difficult time giving it to her. She had 3 tumors removed in January and the results proved to be positive so we had no idea how long she would last. She did ok for a while but about 6 months afterward she began to go downhill. She was taken in gasping for air and spent the night on oxygen. She had breathing problems after that and when medicine to keep the fluid off her lungs was given, she would end up with the breathing attacks. She struggled with whether to give the medicine & cause a bigger problem or not give it when she clearly needed it.

So it is a catch 22 it seems sometimes. My Flossie was not easy to give her medicine to and did not like the prescription dog food very well either. That was a 6 year ordeal and took a lot of creativity on my part. The last year I gave her a lot of not allowed food added to her food to get it down her although I did find things to add that were allowed and she'd get tired of something so I'd have to find something new.

I'd guess that almost everyone who loses a pet has guilt of some sort. Did I do all I could? Did I wait too long? Did I make the decision for the right reason ( or NOT make the decision for the right reason)? Was my decision selfish?

Each of us knows our pet better than anyone. I think I know in my mind I did the right thing 7 weeks ago but my heart sometimes tells me she was eating good, she played 2 days before and did not seem to be in pain so I could have waited longer............. I'm OK with my decision.... yet not OK with my decision once in a while still. I'd bet many are in the same place.

Yes, I think you will get to the point that you will realize you did all you could and then did the "right" thing. I think ending a beloved pets discomfort is the ultimate gift that we can give them. But it will still hurt for a long time. You may doubt yourself for a while also. Try to think of all the good times you shared. I've spent this whole weekend trying to remember what the difference was in my Flossie in just the last year to reassure myself that I did the right thing. Since she was 17-1/2 she was far from what she had once been so I tried to concentrate on when she last walked all the way around a block compared to what she was able to do toward the end. That has helped ease my mind a bit as we get closer to our first Christmas without her in 17 years.

When you feel like it post some pictures of your Lucky for us to see. There are many, many understanding people here that know what you are going through.

Sending hugs to you and your Lucky tonight.

That has to be one of the hardest choices to make, but you did the right thing. Flossie's Mom is right, we all feel some sort of guilt after the loss of a pet. Lucky wouldn't be angry at you for doing this and you did not betray him. I'm sure if he could talk to you right now, he'd tell you that it's ok and thanks for all of the love that you shared with him. Hang in there. We know how you feel.

Thank you Flossie's mom and Pappy's mom for your kind words and support. I am also very sorry for your losses as well - it does help, though, reading the stories of others. I felt better after writing the post and I feel less alone. The people around us are not really dog people and don't understand (although they have tried). It has been a struggle dealing with this. The day the decision was made was such a panic. The appointment was delayed by a couple of hours as a horse needed emergency surgery. By the time we came back Lucky was upset (probably because we were) and I tried to stay with him but couldn't. I felt like I betrayed him (exactly how Pappy's mom said). He went everywhere with us - right to the end.

I felt more like he was with us this weekend. I was trying to put away some of his things. I went downstairs with his leashes and noticed a 'sewer' smell. It seems, with all this snow we have had, that our roof vents were pugged up with ice. I haven't touched his leash in almost 4 weeks why I felt the need to move it two days after a heavy snowfall is beyond me. But I feel like he is watching over us and keeping us safe. Without moving his leashes I would have never gone downstairs and we may have become sick. His presence is more with me now - which I hope will lessen the guilt some.

His birthday would have been this week and I am also still dreading being without him this Christmas. I am going to try to think of all the things he would have enjoyed. All the food, the visiting and even going out in the snow and cold (Lucky would have loved that). If I can look at some pictures I will post one of him soon. That is a wonderful idea - Thank you.

I am so very sorry it was Lucky's time to go. You certainly took the best of care of him. Everything you said and did shows so much love for him and he certainly knew that...these babies always know.

I would love to see a picture of him. I had a couple of beautiful German Shepherds in my lifetime..perfect gentle ladies..and at times I had neighbors who did have a malamute and I got to hug him too. Wonderful best friends..they all are. Even though I had them years ago I always kept their chain collars, tags, leashes, and food bowls. I guess that is my way of not letting them completely go...in a sort of physical way.

Christmas week and Lucky's birthday.....remember him healthy and happy..that's what he would want.

As for any guilt....we have to remember we are humans and not God...we can only do the best we know how to do at the time...we know we would do anything to help these babies but if it is their time to leave..neither we nor the vet will have the right answers because they won't be any..not at that time. All we can ever do is just love them as much as possible while they are physically with us and when the physical leaves....their soul and spirit become more a part of our hearts and that is one place they can never leave or be taken away. They are there with us forever.

In time, pictures and happy memories help to replace the sadness but since we truly will miss them forever....the pain of missing them will never go away completely...but can become less overwhelming after a time.

Unfortunately, the tumors seem to always win. I'm sorry about his eyes...that must have been so sad to go through for you as well as for him. But what helps me with questions is that I believe, after all these years, that if something was meant to happen where I could help my baby more.....I would have been given the right information to do that or my vet would be able to help and it would work. If it doesn't work...I have to believe it was their time to leave and if I can help them be peaceful...I will do so. I hate that decision but I hate it because I don't want them to leave...ever..and that's not possible, I know that. The best I can ever do is remember what made me make the decision at the time...and remembering allows me to also remember it was the right decision to do...for him.

One Mom here said it best for me: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him. Thinking of that...helps me. I hope it helps you.

Peace and hugs,
Judy

I'm sorry that it's so hard. I'm also not looking forward to Christmas morning without our baby boy. Just try and think of it like this: the memory of your little friend should bring you joy. You were so blessed to have Lucky. Although I'm sure that he would understand your pain, he also deserves to be remembered with a smile. You can't rush the healing though. It takes a lot of time.



Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas

Hi:

Still having a hard time. It must be the holidays - missed Lucky very badly yesterday. Also, we have had company and some knew Lucky very well and saw him a few days before. One person told me that "he (Lucky) had a lot of life left in him" - which has haunted me for a few days. It is so hard not to have regrets. I know that on the outside that he looked okay - I also know that he would have energy still, even at the end, to greet and shortly play for his favorite people (and walk only in his one favorite place). This is what everyone around us saw. They did not see us struggle to give him the care he so needed and would struggle against. They also did not see him hide and sleep most of the day - or share in the fear that he would need us and we would be at work. Because I wish so badly to see him one more time the regrets over the holidays are especially haunting. I knew that I was going to miss him and that I didn't want to have to make the decision but I never knew it would be this hard or last so long - he will be gone six weeks tomorrow. I hope we made the best decision for him - and only him. I have enclosed a picture of Lucky taken one year ago. My heart goes out to anyone that is facing the euthanasia decision..........

Click to view attachment

What a gloriously handsome boy...just a small part of all the reasons you loved him. I sounds to me as if your decisiveness spared that splendid boy untold suffering, and ever deteriorating quality of life.


Still, I know how hard it was. I'm so sorry!

I think we all go through it every time. Last year, the last time, I asked a different question that helped me a lot, and once in a while I brng it up..

"Did I keep him/her alive too long for the wrong reasons?
Was it because I was selfish for every minute, and did not want to say Goodbye yet, even though they were suffering?"

Remember that in Nature, a sick suffering animal is prey. This is why they never tell us how badly off they are, but struggle to appear healthy and normal.
Our dog Matilda, a little Aussie terrier, was dying of liver cancer. We did not know it at the time. She still insisted on having sticks thrown, and being taken on walks...even though she had to lay and rest. My CatWife, Miles, did the same thing, and purred right up to the end...And later I learned that purring can sometimes mean distress. Perhaps I should have sent her home even sooner?
I'll never know, but intend to ask her someday at the Bridge.

Lucy,

Lucky was a beautiful boy. The decision to let him go was yours and yours alone. Don't let anyone make you second guess yourself. You were with Lucky all of the time and you saw what he was going through. When my Woody got hit by a car last Semptember, I wasn't home. My wife took him to the emergency clinic and she made the decison to let him go based on what the vet told her regarding his injuries. It was too late when I found out but I thought that if maybe we could have gotten him to the University of Pennsylvania veterinary hospital in Philly the outcome would have been different. The point I'm trying to make is that it's normal to second guess the decision to let them go. I'm sure it happens because we love them so much and miss them. I am so very sorry for your loss but Lucky is doing fine now. He will let you know in some subtle way. Watch for his message.

Steve

Lucy, I am so sorry to learn of your loss of your handsome guy Lucky. He sure was a "lucky" fellow to have found such a loving home.

After reading your post, I truly believe you made the best decision for Lucky. Between the tumor and the eye problem, he had alot to deal with. The tumor would have only gotten larger, and caused him distress. It seems that guilt often comes along with grieving early on. Please know in your heart, that you saved Lucky from pain. I understand how the holidays were lonely without Lucky. Your loss is still so recent.

I lost my lab Lizzy to a tumor 10/07. She was full of life and very healthy before I found the lump. It was in the region of the stomach/groin. Surgery was not an option, as it was already advanced. Meds shrunk the tumor temporarily....but the meds had side effects. When the meds quit working, the cancer spread rapidly. Then Liz was in distress, and I had to have her put to sleep. She was only 9 1/2. I never wanted Liz to be in distress or pain of any kind. But, as others have said animals hide their pain from us. But, I knew on Liz's last day that she was ready to say goodbye. She hung on as long as she did, played every day. No one could believe that she was in the end stages of cancer. I couldn't believe it either. But, now if I look back at the pictures, I can see that she was getting tired.

I hope that the happy memories of Lucky, will assist you through the grieving process. I wish you and your family peace.

Hi Lucyd, I'm so sorry for your loss of beautiful Lucky. Having to say goodbye is the hardest thing. Arthur was the first pet I ever had to put down. The guilt was killing me. You know, did we jump the gun. Furkidlets Mom posted an article about euthanization in pet loss articles. It was really helpful for me to understand what I was going thru. The part that hit home was when it mentioned that we have to go back to that day and remember how we felt and why we made the decision. I was doing that so many times and never knew why. It eased my head and heart battle I had going on. The head tells you it's right given the cir%%stances and the heart wants them back forever. I watched my 18yr old cat Whisker suffer terribly when I was younger all because of my selfishness to keep her. I vowed never to do it again. It's still very hard though, but we put ourselves inside of them and feel what they feel and that's when we know it's right. Hold tight to those beautiful memories you have and hoping they will guide you happily through the years to come.. Many hugs.. Ann