My name is Erica, my husband is Alan, and we just lost our precious Miss Kitty suddenly and completely unexpectedly last week.

Miss Kitty was born in a cold Pennsylvania spring in 2002. She was a barn cat at my grandparents farm. We aren't sure if it's the feline rhinovirus or herpes virus but all of the cats born on that farm are born with runny eyes, runny noses, congestion, and sadly, most of them don't often live to be a year old.

Miss Kitty was born in a litter of 4, and she was the only survivor. I first met her in June when she followed me all over my grandparents back yard, almost sneaking up behind me. I was smitten with her, but lived in an apartment that didn't allow pets.

Despite the apartment situation, on July 3rd, out of the blue, my grandparents asked me if I could watch her for the weekend. They were going out of town and were afraid that she wouldn't make it through the weekend, she'd been very sick, and they wanted her to go somewhere that, if she passed, she wouldn't be out in the yard attracting wild life.

By that evening, we were the best of friends. You couldn't seperate us and I risked getting caught by my landlord for 2 solid years before moving to TN when Alan graduated college.

Within a few weeks of moving to TN, Miss Kitty's health problems subsided. Gone were the days of slinging snot in a marathon sneezing session, no more coughing, and her eyes were clear, and beautiful.

For the next 4 years Miss Kitty was healthy and active. She loved to sleep in windowsills, basking in the sunlight. Her favorite toys were those "toy on a string" type toys that were attached to the plastic handle. She'd jump into the air, twisting and turning around before her feet landed back on the floor. She slept on my pillow almost every night, unless her favorite sleeping spot, an old worn in Joe Boxer pillow, was available.

She was our princess. She was my whole world.

Just a few weeks ago, the sneezing came back. We initially worried more about how gross the snot slinging was, but we didn't worry about her being "sick" because even as a kitten, just because she had a snotty face, she never acted sick. Alan took her to the vet a couple weeks in (in case it was just a cold that would pass) and they put her on antibiotics. They made her stomach hurt so bad and she was so miserable, but she did perk up. Her eyes got clear again and she went back to cuddling with us and sleeping in our bed.

In the meantime, we had to find a new place to live as our lease was up, so we spent most days searching for a house, and when we found one, we spent all of our time packing, cleaning, unpacking, shopping, and working. For about a month straight, we were hardly ever home.

During that time, the sniffles came back. We didn't think much of it, when she had her first round of antibiotics as a kitten, that didn't take either, it ended up taking steroids and a stronger antibiotic to clear it up. We figured we'd wait to take her to the vet after things calmed down, we had company coming that weekend, and we'd just go ahead and take her in Tuesday morning, as the vet was closed on Monday.

Sunday she was looking pretty rough, so I brought her home some wet cat food and she licked up most of the juice and ate a few pieces of the food. I figured that she just couldn't smell very well through her stuffy nose and that is why she wasn't eating very well. On Monday, we sort of did the same old thing...got up and went shopping, now for Christmas presents.

We came home and she was sitting at the top of the stairs and I knew something was wrong. She was wheezing really hard and it seemed like she didn't even want to walk around. She also smelled terrible.

I was terrified, and assumed it was pneumonia. Perhaps it hadn't been what had made her sick as a kitten, but something much worse.

I woke up the following morning at 8:30 to get her to the vet, and they checked her lungs. They were clear. They ran bloodwork and it was her kidneys. She was in renal failure.

The next few days run together, probably because I didn't sleep. I laid with her on the bathroom floor, I tried to force feed her and during the business hours of the vets office, she was on an IV drip, and I'd sit by her cage at the vets and just listen to the IV ticking for hours.

2 days of IV fluids couldn't pull her out of the crash, and on Thursday evening, we brought her home to say goodbye. We initially thought she'd pass at home, but she didn't, and we were back at the vet the following morning. While Alan went in to talk to the vet to make sure he had to the time to take care of her before we brought her in, I looked back at her in her carrier and she was enveloped in sunlight. It has been nothing but dreary nasty weather here in TN for the last week, but for that brief moment, she was covered. And she was sleeping, something she hadn't done since she became ill.

She passed away around 10:30 on her Joe Boxer pillow in the vets office with a little toy tucked up near her belly.

That was 4 days ago, and I am still an absolute wreck.

I feel guilty first and foremost. We were home so infrequently in the last two months of her life....I made 2 week long trips to Pennsylvania in October and was working and just generally not home the rest of the time. Did she feel neglected? Alone? If we'd have spent more than a few minutes at home at a time, we would have noticed that she was as sick as she was.

I wish that we'd have taken her into the vet when the sniffles first came back. What if the renal failure wasn't chronic and it was brought on by dehydration from the respiratory illness?

I wish that we'd have looked at the Banfield website and seen that they WERE open on Monday, when we thought they were closed. Bringing her in one day earlier might have saved her life.

I'm angry that she's gone. It happened less than 2 weeks before Christmas and she was a beautiful, loving, and otherwise healthy, 6 year old cat. It wasn't as if she'd lived a long life, she was still a baby! I keep saying to myself "She should BE HERE!" She should be knocking Christmas ornaments off of our tree, she should be sleeping on her pillow, and playing with all the new toys we got her. She should be sleeping on my head at night and asking us for our love.

I've been crying for days, I can't eat, and I rarely sleep unless I take something like Tylenol PM to get me there. I've started having severe anxiety issues. When I go to leave the house I realize that she won't be here when I get home, and my chest just clenches, and I can't breath. I tried to go to the store today to get some stuff like toilet paper and shampoo and I was anxious and nervous at the store. I had to come home, I just couldn't take it.

Everyone is celebrating the holidays, something that I always look forward to so much every year, and my heart is so broken I can't even stand to see or hear anything that mentions Christmas.

The new condo we moved into, that we and our cats were supposed to love, and it is really nice...I hate it. I don't even want to be here. I stay in my bedroom because it's a generic room with just our stuff in it. The rest of the house just feels....wrong. Uncomfortable. Not my home.

I tried to go back to work Saturday night but people just looked at me like I was crazy. Why was I crying in the back room? How could a cat affect me that much?

I feel like I'm going crazy. My husband has gone back to normal, as if nothing has even happened. He cried the day before and the day she died, but ever since...nothing. It's as if she never existed.

But she did exist! She was my baby, she was the one thing in the world that loved me completely. We never had a bad day together. Between us, there was never anything but love. She always greeted me with a sweet little chirp (until the day before she died she never once meowed in her entire life) and she was so sweet. So innocent and loving. I don't understand why she was taken from us! Despite the last month of her life where we were so busy, she WAS very well taken care of. Neither of the cats ever had an empty food bowl, their litter pan was scooped twice a day, there is a huge wicker basket in our living room filled ot the brim with toys. They don't miss vet appointments or vaccinations, and they really do rule our house. So why? Why did we have to lose her? Why did I have to watch my sweet little girl die, at only 6 years old?

I can't shake the pain in my heart, and I'm scared that when I do move past the pain, it means I don't love her anymore. I'm afraid that I'm going to forget her. I'm afraid that I'll wake up one morning and won't be able to remember what her chirps sounded like. Or what her tiny little paws felt like.

I'm angry at myself for pushing her aside one night recently because I was busy. I wish I'd have just picked her up and held her instead. I wish I could go back and change everything. I'd be home more, I'd hug her more and kiss her more and make sure she knows I love her. What if she died and didn't know that we loved her? That's all she ever asked for from this life was love, and what if we let her down in the end?

Hi, Erica, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion Miss Kitty. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is similar to stopping life support for a human family member or friend. It is never an easy decision to make but it is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they can join the angels with their dignity still intact. Please let me reassure you that Miss Kitty's renal failure had been coming on for some time. Our furbabies are master magicians at disguising how they are feeling until they just can't do it anymore, and by that time the diagnosis and prognosis is not very good. It's part of their survival skills they have inherited from their wild ancestors. I do know how you are feeling about celebrating the holidays now. Two years ago on December 11 my 6 year old number one kitty son, Eli, joined the angels due to end stage Lymphoma. We had 2 months together post-chemo treatments. When he stopped eating again and seeking out the dark places in the house I knew what needed to be done for him. The grief journey is both physical and emotional, so it is important for you to do what makes you feel comfortable. I used to sleep with Eli's collar under my pillow and would hold onto a blanket of his close to me when the pain of not being able to hold his sweet soft body next to me was too painful to bear. I remember the gut-wrenching sobs - - and thank goodness for the rest room at work when I needed to disappear for a few minutes to get my composure back. And then there was the commute both to and from work. It was good I had a job to go to so that my other furbabies didn't have to hear me cry all the time. A lump still comes up in my throat sometimes, but I also find myself smiling when I think of my number one kitty son. Please know that you will never ever forget your precious Miss Kitty, for her memory is indelibly etched in your heart and your life. Her sweet living Spirit will be with you wherever you go and whatever you do - - she is a permanent part of you. Your relationship has just temporarily transformed to a different dimension that transcends both time and space. Guilt is, unfortunantly, a part of the early grief journey. The "what if's" and "why didn't I's" can make you feel like you're going insane. Unfortnately we do not have the wisdom of foresight, only the benefit of hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the source of our guilt. Everyone goes through this stage at first - - it's one of the hardest part of the grief journey to work through, but you do not have to go through this grief journey alone. Please know you are among friends here who are with you for as long and as often as you need us. And please understand that men do grieve differently from women. Although your husband may seem like he has "moved on" he may be frustrated because he may feel like he doesn't know how to comfort you in this situation. But regardless, please know we are here for you, Erica, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Miss Kitty is a beautiful cat.
Please don't put blame on yourself. I know right now it is very difficult. So many what if's, why's, coulda, shoulda stuff. It is just a part of the terrible healing process you will have to go through. As so many here refer it to a bumpy rollar coaster ride--up and down and up and down.
As these things you are feeling are normal. Most everything you said I remember feeling just a short 6 1/2 months ago. I am not healed, but am well on my way.

We could never forget our precious furbabies. They will hold a spot in our hearts forever.
I bet she is purring so very loud at the Rainbow Bridge right now. Running and playing with all our furbabies.

When you feel up to it would love to hear more stories of her and post more pics if you have them.

Hugs to you and your angel Miss Kitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you both for your responses.

Everyone has a lot of helpful thoughts and visions of the rainbow bridge but right now.....I want her here. That is what would make me happy. I'm not saying anything against anyone trying to help, because I'm certain that all of you have felt the same at one point or another. She should be here. With me. Playing with a toy or even just sitting quietly under the Christmas tree.

sissycat, I made a tribute video of her that has quite a few photos, including some from when she was a sickly kitten:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2riv8Vw2pY

She is also featured at the beginning and end of this video, just at typical night in our house:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od766pkRUCo

She was an amazing cat. She was so wise. It was as if she was always so far ahead. Our male, Benjamin, he's 8 but he's still clumsy and silly and oafish but she was so dainty. She'd sit in the window that looked out over the apartment complex (In our old place, we were on the 3rd floor) and she'd just watch. I'm certain that the things she saw were things we'd have never though to look at.

She was beautiful. She had these blue green eyes, accented by "cleopatra lines" on either side of her face. Her ears weren't totally brown, the tips were pink. She had a short stubby tail that she would wag like a dog when she was playing, or mad at Benjamin. She purred, oh did she purr. When you'd walk into a room she'd chirp to say hello, and roll over so you'd pet her belly. She loved sleeping in the office chair, and I can still recall the way she'd reach her paws up to you when you'd walk by, as if to say hello.

I can't believe how much I miss her. She was a bit more independent and introverted. Not that she wasn't social, she wasn't a hider, but you could go a good portion of the day without her underfoot like with Benjamin.

I just can't shake the feeling that we let her down. That we should have taken her to the vet for bloodwork a week before, or that we should have spent more time loving her before she even got as sick as she did.

I feel like my heart is broken into a million pieces and I can't make it stop. And I'm afraid that when I do stop hurting, it means I'm "over" her. I don't ever want to be over her.

We know we want to adopt another pet because all cats need a good warm loving home, and I'm afraid that she will think we are replacing her. I talk to her sometimes (even though she's not here, I'm sure that sounds crazy) and I told her that when she is ready for us to have another kitty, to show us that kitty, and that it can be her choice. Show us a kitty that needs a home the most.

I have cried so much these past few days that I can't believe there are any tears left. Benjamin has been really good about being near me, they weren't really buddies but every night they'd play together and occasionally I'd catch them cleaning eachothers faces. We also have a bearded dragon and I feel that he is not being shown the proper love from me right now because I am just so broken.

I am so sorry to read about losing your girl. Learning about kidney failure...there is a member here, Joanne (jackjackbojack) whose topic in this Section called "Rassy Cat & Howard" talks about kidney failure.

I think you will find that you really did all you could for this sweetheart. No matter how much time they are here it is never ever long enough. It is such an intense horrible pain when they are gone.
It is a huge disruption in our lives that we never truly get completely over.

I know what you mean about the Holidays.. I lost my boy of 16 1/2 years in Sept of 07 so this is the 2nd Holiday Season without him and I find it worse than the first one...as far as not wanting to decorate.

Her picture shows how beautiful she is. 6 years .....she should have had more time.

This is the time to feel as you do...lost...tearful...angry....every emotion we can wring out of ourselves. It is the helplessness we feel at what happened that causes so much of the pain, in addition to missing them. At first, I even would call out to my boy cause if I did he would come walking into the room I was in..from wherever he was in the home...but I didn't do that too many times because in the back of my mind...I knew he was not coming and after a while that hurt more by pretending I would get some contact from him..while realizing that was not going to happen..so I stopped.

But our best way to deal with pain is take everything one day at a time and also know that whatever we are feeling is normal.. and what we try to think of to do is what may make us feel better to do...whether it is crying, pounding a pillow, coming here and venting, sharing our thoughts and feelings.

It is a terribly awful time when it is this recent and all I can offer is my support and a big
cyber-hug. I share your pain. I have been there more than once and am still grieving but in time I found for me...I took in a rescue cat that looked (his eyes) very much like my Little Guy and being able to hug that new boy has helped me face the days..even though I still have the days of crying. I have my Little Guy's picture as my desktop wallpaper so I look at him everyday and say goodnight when I turn the computer off...knowing he will be there waiting for me to turn the computer on....just like he was always there waiting for me to wake up in the mornings, to come home from being out....all those things.

Hugs, Erica....I wish you peace and healing. It takes time but you are not alone. My husband was done with his grieving long ago too...but I don't know that I will ever get over what has happened with the 3 feral kittens born in my back yard in 1991 and who we adopted for 10 years, 15 years, and 16 1/2 years (that's how long they were allowed to be with us). My Little Guy was sick as a kitten with pneumonia but he was rushed to the vet and given antibiotics, first a shot and then liquid from me. He made it...the vet wasn't sure he would but thought he had a chance, and he turned out to be here the longest until apparently cancer came quickly last year.

Take care and come here anytime and write when you feel like it and post more pictures of Miss Kitty and tell us about her. If you feel sometime just like reading something very positive...go to New Beginnings and read the happy posts there. I like to do that when I want to leave for the day with a smile because the pictures and comments there never fail to make me smile and we all can use more of those.

Judy

I too was afraid that Sissycat would think I was trying to replace her, but there are so many kittens and cats that need a good loving home out there. How could I not be there for the one that needs me. I also asked Sissycat to help me. It did take me a while tho. 6 months. I looked at shelter cats many times. I wanted to take them all, but none had that special feeling. None will ever replace her special feeling or that special place I keep her in my heart. I think she would be glad for you to be able to give love to another. (when your time is right of course)
I have recently brought Esme into my home.

Nothing sounds crazy!! Sissycat is burried on my property. I made her a memorial and put me a chair right beside it. I would sit there and talk to her outloud. I would even call her name the way I did when I got off work, just so I could hear myself calling out her name. I had taped pictures up on the wall at my work and I would rub it and talk to it. Now see you are not crazy or silly. Anything goes here. Whatever helps to make you feel better just do it.

I did look at the videos. If I ever figure out how to work the pictures on here I would like to show you my cat Boogie. I think they resemble alot.

Many hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry for your loss of Miss Kitty. I completely understand what your going thru. Everything. Like you, I have/had the guilt. I told someone once that we just don't run to the vet everytime they sneeze. So how could you have known how sick she really was. Her illness was inevitable and you can't blame yourself. This is by far the hardest thing to go thru, I believe. To let go of something we love and cherish so much and the guilt come within. We somehow feel as if we failed them when they get sick or hurt and we can't fix things and make it all better. My Partner too reacted like yours. Tears the first day and then... nothing...like, ok over and done with, time to move on. But our Arthur passed Jun 8 and I have been crying ever since. Sometimes I just want to shake him and scream in his face "he's gone and never coming back, don't you care??"But they probably have the better attitude suck it up be a man. However, if they are pretending and bottling it all up inside, then somethings got to give at some point. I know all too well how hard this is for you, I'm still going thru it. It does get a little easier with time, but the pain and emptiness in some ways never truely goes away because of the tight and special bond we have with them..We just have to hold on to it, remember it, and feel lucky to have experienced it in our lifetime.. Be happy knowing you gave Miss Kitty ahappy life while she was here with you..She's a beautiful girl!...Hugs.. Ann

Hello Erica, Alan and Benjamin. My sincerest symphathy to you all on the loss of your girl and 'sister.' It is a heartwrenching time. And the Christmas period becomes a time as you say you want to avoid.

I lost my boy 15 1/2 weeks ago and after many weeks of disbelief, agonising tears alternating with feeling numb and then depression and anger, over the last few weeks the pain has hit in with a vengence. I cried at work today again and on the way home. It keeps happening - the well of grief is that deep. I still cannot come to terms with him being gone. My heart has continued to break and it is so difficult just to put one foot in front of the other. Wanting her back is all you want right now, as I do with my boy. They should be here, there are presents to be bought and opened - trees to trim, all those things they were such a part of.

As said by others, the time we are given with them has no bearing on the pain we experience when they aren't with us anymore. And the guilt, the what ifs' as said by others, are all so real. It's like when there are no more moments to be had with them, we go over every moment we did have and question whether it was enough and more often than not we fall short. It can never be enough - we want them for always.

The pain may ease, but it may always be with you in some form. She is a part of you and you in her. I hope you and your husband and your Benjamin are able to find some comfort together.

Wendi.

Today I went back to work, I had attempted to go back Saturday, the day after she was euthanized but made it 30 minutes before I came home.

The first bit of my shift was ok but about halfway through I kept remembering the day that I pushed her aside when she was trying to love on me. It was only a couple weeks ago, and even though I TOLD myself never to take her for granted again (after she went through round one of the antibiotics in early November) I did it again. I pushed her away. It's weird how fuzzy that memory is, all I remember was sitting at my laptop, typing, and she came up and I said "not now baby" and pushed her aside. I can't remember if she tried again or jumped down.

That was the last time she came to me to ask to be loved.

Why couldn't I have just petted her?! I wasn't THAT busy, I could have taken a few moments to hold her, kiss her, tell her how much I love her.

I can't remember another time after that that we even had much contact...I know that when my in-laws were in town on the 5th, she was sneezing and I pulled her to my side and petted her and said "it's ok baby, it's ok" but it wasn't the kind of affection that I think she was looking for.

I can't get over this overwhelming feeling that she died thinking that she was unloved. Yes we lavished her with attention after we found out how sick she was but she wasn't herself then. And some of that attention included force feeding her, or giving her pills....she hated that kind of stuff, how in the world could she associate it with love.

We get her ashes back tomorrow, and the guy is dropping them off tomorrow before I leave for work. I then work from 10:30-9. I am dreading tomorrow so much. Seeing that tiny box full of her ashes and knowing that she really is gone....and then working for almost 11 hours...I just don't know if I can take it.

Hi,

I am very sorry to here about your loss. I had to say goodbye to Casey on November 13th to cancer. I know how you feel, but please don't blame yourself you gave her the love and attention she needed. It is great that you brought her home and gave her a wonderful home. I too went through the "what if" stage and felt cheated out of time with him (he was 12). It is hard with our furry friends as they can not tell you how they feel. I still think about him everyday and I will never forget him - nor will you forget Miss Kitty, but things will get better for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Please let me add my sincere condolences at the loss of your Miss Kitty. I saw the video's you made and it made me tear up. I just got a new kitten a few weeks ago and I know, though it's been a short time, I'd be devastated at her loss. Please take care and know we understand your pain. It will get little bit better.


Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.


Candy's Dad
Hal

Hi Erica. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just lost my baby boy suddenly last Friday. He even kind of looked like Miss Kitty. Our little guy appeared 100% healthy right up until the very moment that he died. You described exactly how I've been feeling. I've been thinking the same things about the holidays, about not wanting to get over the loss, etc. My baby wasn't even 3 years old. It's such a terrible thing to deal with. I've been in such denial at times that I actually considered calling the place where we dropped him off just to make sure that he didn't wake up.

It's so much harder when it happens suddenly. We never had a chance to prepare or to really say goodbye. There are so many regrets about the way it happened and the days leading up to it. I keep saying to myself, "if I only knew it was coming".

Hang in there. We're all going through the same pain. You're not alone in this. Your Miss Kitty would want you to celebrate a happy holiday. In our case, we never put up our tree because we were afraid that he would chew on it and hurt himself, (he chewed on everything). We put it up this last weekend, in honor of him and even gave him a special ornament. Perhaps celebrating in Miss Kitty's honor would make it easier?

God bless.

I got her ashes back yesterday. I thought that it would be harder than it was, but I just sort of petted the top of the box and set it down. It was comforting to have "her" here with me, even if it's not her in there, but there was that closeness.

The day she died we went out and got a Willow Tree figurine of an angel holding a cat, and that is above where her stocking once hung. I had to take the stocking down because it hurt so much to look at. I took her gifts from under the tree and put them inside the stocking, and put them in a big gift bag with her "big" gift this year (a really pretty pink cat bed that I KNOW she would have loved) and put them aside. I was going to put them in the attic but then I felt like I'd be trying to get rid of her from my life and that's not what I'm trying to do at all.

We adopted a small calico kitten yesterday. She's about 17 weeks old, and full of pure energy. At times I feel like I made a mistake because she's SO unlike Miss Kitty and I feel like Miss Kitty would resent me for "moving on" when in reality I'm not over her even a little bit. I just couldn't morally have an empty spot in this house and not fill it with a cat that needed a home.

It still hurts. It's been almost a week now and I'm still heartbroken. I miss her so much and at times I feel a small resentment towards the new kitten. She's using some of Miss Kittys toys that she found, and I feel like she's trying to take Miss Kittys place. Obviously I know that's not true, she's just a kitten who needs a family to love her. And hopefully she will calm down in the near future.

I am so happy to hear you have a new kitty in your life. You needed her and she really needed you. It took me much longer, but I longed to fill that void. Everyone including Miss Kitty knows you are not trying to replace her. I think we all have that feeling.
Who knows maybe your Miss Kitty led you to this new little one.

I have only had my new one a couple weeks. She was nothing like my Sissycat, but I think she is picking up some of her habbits.

Let us know how it goes. Does the new one have a name?

Hugs to you, your angel Miss Kitty, and the new one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!