Warning...very long...

First, a little history on my baby who passed away.

Missy, an eight year old dobie who was to turn 9 in January belonged to my uncle in NY. Back in November of 2005 right before Thanksgiving, my uncle had passed away when he was home alone. His wife was in a rehabilitation center. Someone found his body a week later with Missy, his companion lying beside him. The police came in and threw Missy in a shelter. I was living in CA at the time and right away, I searched all of the shelters on line in that area to find Missy. I found her and called to see if she was still available. I jumped on a plane the day after Thanksgiving, rented a truck and drove to the shelter to get her. She was a mess. She was very thin and very scared. The owner at the shelter had told me that she wasn't eating the regular dog food they were giving her so they would give her table scraps. I took her back to my aunt's house and the next day jumped on a plane back to Cali.

A couple of days after I returned, she was wheezing. I called my vet and took her in right away. She had kennel cough so we gave her some medicine and she was on the road to recovery. About a month or so later, she had bouts of diarrhea and blood in her stool. I took her in right away and ended up having to take her to the emergency hospital. Her platelets were low and they really didn't know what was going on with her so they kept her for a couple of days. They sent her home with prednisone and said that she had an auto immune disorder. She was fine for a few days and then the same thing happened. I took her to the hospital again and the doctor felt that her prognosis was poor. From what I can remember, he said that again, her platelets were low and that she had pancreatitis(sp?). Something else was going on but now I can't remember for the life of me. Anyway, she pulled through and after four days I took her home and gave her the prednisone and some chemo drug for a few months. I had bloodwork taken every two weeks and finally, there was light at the end of the tunnel. She seemed like a normal dog except for her nervous and timid temperment, which btw, I thought was odd for a dobie. She came around in those three years that I had her. She wasn't afraid of strangers, she started showing some affection, she jumped on the couch, learned to use the doogie doors and got along great with my two other dogs. She adjusted well.

After about a year or so, she would have her days where she felt off. She wouldn't eat and would roam around looking uncomfortable. The vet really didn't really explain to me what he thought was going on. He told me that she might have acid stomach and that I should give her pepsid. So that's what I did. She showed the same signs as the ones I saw this past weekend. Walking around aimlessly, head down, tail down, trying to vomit, etc. She as also at the time not interested in dog food so I would bake chicken for her and mix it in with some dry kibble. Sometimes she got chopmeat but mostly chicken. I fed her chicken up until six months ago when my twins were born and I decided that she needed to get with the program. Now of course, I wish I hadn't changed the menu.

So here's my story:

On Saturday, November 1st, I woke up my usual time to feed my six month old twins. I had a vet appointment at 10am to take my Aussie Mix Buddy in for shots. Missy was up and in good spirits. My husband had fed her a small bowl of dry food and gave her two little biscuits. The water was out in the garage and she didn't really make it a habit to drink unless she was on her way to do her business outside. I returned around 11:30 and Missy was right there begging for my egg sandwich that I had picked up from dunkin donuts. She was acting totally normal. At around 12:30, my husband left to run some errands. I put the girls down for a nap at 1pm and on my way down the stairs, I saw Missy in the living room lying down. I thought it was a bit odd that she was lying on the living room floor and not on her favorite spot on the couch. Afterall, she was a total couch potato that loved her creature comforts.

I immediately thought that she was throwing up as she has at least one bout of vomiting on our rug a month. I chased her into the garage and she ran around my truck and looking sneaky as if she had done something wrong. Up until a couple of weeks ago, she was peeing and pooping behind my truck so I thought she was up to no good. She ran in the house through the doogie door and walked into her pop up tent in the laundry room. I thought this was a bit strange, but not out of the ordinary b/c when she wasn't feeling good, she used to go off somewhere for peace and quiet. I asked her if she wanted to go outside in the back and she followed me so I let her out. I glanced out a few times to see what she was up to. Our backyard is pretty big and she went over to the furthest corner of the fence and looked as if she was trying to vomit. I didn't have my glasses on and just thought she was vomiting bile. I kept looking out to see what was going on and she was in different spots of the yard lying down. She would lie down and then get up and lie down again. I didn't think anything of it. I let her in about a half hour later and she went into the laundry room. As she was walking into the room, I noticed that she had a little bit of white foam on her lip. I chalked it up to her eating grass. I've seen it before and wasn't too worried. Still, I had no reason to believe that she was in horrible pain and that death was inevitable. She was walking hunched over but she had a very nervous disposition and we had seen this walk before.

My husband returned home about two and a half hours later. He walked over to the family room and while he was talking to me, Missy came over and jumped in her favorite spot on the couch, but then jumped off after a couple of seconds. I did not hear any panting, she was not drooling, not making any noise whatsoever. Since she jumped on the couch, I thought she was back to her old self. A little while later, she was roaming around the kitchen. My husband took her out in the garage to see if she wanted to go out. He then came in and told me that her stomach looked very distended and felt really hard. I ran out and felt her stomach and it looked abnormal. I didn't remember it looking like that earlier or maybe I just didn't notice it. I immediately called the emergency hospital b/c our vet closed at noon. They told me to bring her right in and that it sounded like it could be gastric torsion. I had no idea what that was. I went out in the garage and my husband was getting ready to put her in the back of the truck. She walked over to him and her legs looked very unsteady. She then collapsed but was still with us. He picked her up and again, she did not make any noise like she was in pain. He drove off to the hospital. The hospital was about forty minutes away. I looked up gastric torsion on the internet and was horrified when I read that it was a deadly condition that needed immediate treatment. About a half hour later, he called to tell me that he made it to the hospital, but it was too late....our precious Missy was dead. I was in complete shock. I don't think I believed him until he came home without her. That was the day my heart broke in a million pieces. I felt like a part of me died with her. I am at a loss now. I don't know why this happened. She didn't eat alot nor did she drink any water. She jumped right back on the couch after she ate.

Now I sit here and blame myself for her death. I keep rehashing everything that happened that afternoon. I saw signs, but the signs I saw were no different than the signs she showed when she had an upset stomach. I wish she had done something like pant, drool or yelp because then I would have known that something was very different and I could have taken action sooner. If I had acted sooner, then she may be alive today. I have been crying nonstop since it happened. Every time I think of her which is every minute of the day, I cry. I keep blaming myself. She was suffering and I did nothing. How could I not see that those were signs of pain? I feel awful. Not to mention, as soon as the girls were born, my attention went right to them and not the dogs. I feel like I neglected her and my other two and some days I wasn't so nice to them. When they barked, I told them to shut up because I didn't want them to wake the babies. That's horrible. How could I talk to my beloved animals like that? I wish she never left me. I can feel her presence and every time I look at her favorite spot on the couch, I lose it. It was so sudden. I can't believe she's gone. My husband is sad but he is worried about me. He keeps telling me that I have to snap out of it. I have my family to take care of and my two other dogs. I know that some day they will also leave me but hopefully not like this. Bloat is a terrible disease and I wish I had learned more about it before it took my precious baby away. Thank you all for listening to my story. I really appreciate it. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a beloved pet or pets. It's an awful feeling and people don't understand what we are going through unless they are pet owners. I am so happy that I found this site.

Kristin

I am so sorry to hear about Missy. I recently learned about bloat doing the same thing to another pet here. See the Topic Starter Luv4myjake in this Section..the title is about "lost my boy Jake".
I did some research about bloat when I read her story and put a link to a site that talks about it and also has comments from others who had it happen to them and they talk about how fast things happen. Maybe reading her story and checking out the link will help you. Sometimes it does help to read how helpless this disease has made others feel. The last posting there is from me with the link and is dated Oct 11, 2008. Hope it helps you.

As far as such a terrible experience...I can understand how devastated you are feeling. No matter what happens to our babies....we always feel we should have done more..even when it is something we know nothing about.

The best way I can cope with the losses is I believe if we are meant to help them stay longer...that happens. But if it is truly their time to leave us, we will be helpless...it will be a battle we will not win..whether it is cancer, kidney disease, bloat, ....there are so many...diseases.

My last boy, Little Guy, was an emergency..he could not breathe...the vet said his gums were blue and put him in an oxygen tent. He was 16 1/2 and could not be put through exploratory surgeries, etc. But I never expected to see him drag himself into our living room..half conscious. It does tear your heart out to see them like this.

But what happens to them is truly not our fault. You did so much for Missy, including rescuing her from that shelter. You just simply did the best you were allowed to do. At times, it worked and helped her. This time (Their final time)...it was not meant to be. It is the cruelest fate of all
when we are helpless because control of their destiny is taken away from us and from the vets.
People who love and care so much for these babies as we all do....always do our best to help them...WHEN we are allowed to do so..by knowing what to do or by our vet being able to help.
When it is their time to go....things are just set in motion beyond our control...and while we react as best we can....we truly will be helpless to prevent these tragedies.

This is a good place to come and write your thoughts and your feelings. There are many here who are listening and we all know the pain of losing such a precious baby...and we all wish there had been more we could have done to keep them with us longer.

Not long before my boy had his emergency I was talking to the vet on the phone about him and while I was talking, he had just gotten out of his litter box and started vomiting so violently I got scared and told her about it. She was not concerned once I said he stopped after a couple of violent motions and did not suggest bringing him in. I read on the Internet later that it is a sign of something wrong when an animal vomits after doing a BM but figured my vet knew if it was something to be concerned about. It was thought he had cancer in his system which would take surgery to see maybe. No x-rays showed anything. Blood tests were normal. There is only so much we can oversee and the professional has to help. But when it is their time to go and it always does come....it will happen no matter what.

I am so sorry what you went through. What I read on that link I was talking about was just so terribly devastating. Things happening ultra fast and barely or no warning.

You did the best you were allowed (by fate) to do. Please allow yourself some peace. Missy is at peace now. You gave her many wonderful years but we never ever win that final battle that always...always shows up whenever fate pleases.

Take care...I am glad you have your family, your husband and your other dogs. Even though such a tragedy can make you feel as if you are alone....I am sure they are very concerned also as they all love you very much. Missy is at peace and doing what all Angels do....listen and watch over you all....forever.

Hugs and peace
Judy

I'm so very sorry to hear about your dear Missy. My dog Patsy also had been in remission from an auto immune illness (Immune Mediated Thrombocytopenia). I always was on top of things but in her last couple of months I believe I failed her miserably. I was going through a very stressful time in my life and I think I dropped the ball. I had seen changes in her and I failed to get them further checked out. Something kept telling me something wasn't right but I just kept dismissing it--like you said, your dog didn't yelp or scream, neither had mine. I can't help but believe now that she had stones, cancer, or a blockage and I have been sick over this.

Before Patsy was diagnosed with her auto immune illness, in late summer of 06, she had an event where one evening after dinner she went outside and was frantically running around and eating grass. It was scary. I took her to the vet and she seemed to think I was overreacting, just said Patsy was fine. There were lots of times later that Patsy would eat grass (and dirt); none of the vets I took her to ever seemed concerned; one said they thought she looked like she had Cattle dog in her and perhaps she just liked to graze. I later learned that dogs will also do this when they are feeling nauseated. Patsy ate lots of grass and dirt in her last couple weeks of life. She had done this so many times before that I failed to make the connection.

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am to hear of your loss, and that others feel guilt too. I hope that you will be able to heal and have peace in your heart. It sounds like you did the best you could with the information you had; your dog was truly loved.

hope2heal

sweetmissy,

I just wanted to add that it wasn't uncommon for my dog to vomit about once a month also. 10 days before she died, the day after we'd come home from visiting my parents and their dog, I saw Patsy out in the backyard, lying down along the fence, eating something between her paws. I went out yelling because I thought she had a bird or some other critter. The poor dog had vomited and was eating it back up. I felt horrible. That was a warning sign there; I think: If only I'd taken her to the vet then and mentioned that she was peeing and drinking less too, maybe she could have been saved.

I also felt like I was paying less attention to Patsy. I understand how you feel. For those last couple months my son and I were always going out places, places we couldn't take Patsy to, or leave her in the car alone (she traveled well but would get anxious if left in car alone). If only I'd known she was dying, I would have arranged to spend more time at home--AND taken her in to the vet. It seems like these feelings of guilt and regret will never fade for me.

I just had to share that with you. I believe you did the best you could--my gosh, you were caring for twin babies, PLUS taking your other dog to the vet that morning, PLUS Missy got sick. You really had a lot to deal with.

Kristin

I am so sorry for your loss of Missy, and believe me I know how difficult these sudden losses are.

Your husband needs to understand that "snapping out of it" wouldn't allow you to go through the process of grief, which ultimately is a process of healing.

Dottie (Angelcareone) on this forum said something to me about the "what if's" that helped me a lot. She said:

"Everything is exactly as it should be. The proof is because that is the way it is. If anything was supposed to be someway other than it is, then it would be that way and not the way it is."

When I read your post, the first thing I thought was that Missy was ready to go back to your uncle... and now she is there.

take care, wishing you much healing in this painful time.

Jan.

Thank you all for your comforting words. I really appreciate it! I am also very sorry for your losses. You all sound like you did the best you could to care for your animals. It really shows that you loved them very much and they knew that. It's just not fair that our beloved furbabies were taken away from us.

I know that Missy is at peace and probably lying right next to my uncle. At least that is what I would like to think. I just wish she didn't suffer as much as she did in her final moments. I always thought my dogs would die in their sleep of old age with no pain involved. I sure was wrong.

However, I am still banging my head against the wall thinking of all that I should have done. I hate to repeat myself and really wish these nasty thoughts would leave me, but they are here and I have to deal with them. Okay, so I should have watched her closely. Well, when the twins arrived, my time, attention and energy went into taking care of them. I felt like I had a lot of patience, but now that I think of it, I think the frustration that I had while I was caring for them, I put on the dogs. I did not give my animals the attention they needed. When I brought Missy into my home, she had a lot of problems besides getting sick. She was not socialized so therefore, she was very shy and fearful. She came a long way in the three years that I had her. I gave all of my attention to her in the beginning. My husband even got jealous that I was doing so much for her. As time went on and as she grew more comfortable, so I thought, the attention I was giving her went towards other things. Especially, the twins. I felt that she was one of the family and was happy just hanging around and didn't need to be spoiled. I didn't sit down and pet her as much, I yelled a little more than I should have. I used to always make sure she had a blanket to lay on over the couch and then that suddenly stopped. When she started peeing and pooping in the garage just about a month or so ago, I thought she was up to no good and didn't think for a minute it could have anything to do with wanting attention. Now I know that she was looking for something. This makes me sad! How could I be that evil? I can't change what happened and cannot bring her back, but I really wish I had treated her better while she was here.

It is raining out today and it's very quiet in my house. My one dog is deaf and only barks when the other one barks. When Missy was here, she barked at everything so the three dogs would bark constantly. That was very annoying, especially when someone would ring the doorbell. Now, I miss the barking.

Thank you all for listening! It means so much to me! I wish I could help some of you with your pain, but right now I feel that I cannot give much advice since I am a total wreck and cannot even help myself.

sweetmissy,

I think most everyone in this Forum understands what you are going through. If you want to read something crazy--maybe it will somehow even make you feel better-- read my post, Has Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care...Guilt is Terrible . Everyone else in this forum sounds like a saint compared to me.

sweetmissy, I believe you truly did your best and had no idea what was coming; you even said so. To quote you: I saw signs, but the signs I saw were no different than the signs she showed when she had an upset stomach. So you see, you really didn't know.

Your hubby sounds a little like mine. A couple months back he brought up our dog in conversation. I wanted to contribute something, and as I began talking I started to cry. He told me I 'just have to get over it.' I told him I would never get over it, maybe THROUGH it, but not over it.

I will be thinking of you, and pray God will give you peace.

Thank you hope2heal. I would like to read your post....how do I find it? What page number is it on?

Maybe our husbands just have a different way of showing their emotions...I don't know. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's not working. I can't talk to him when he gets home from work b/c he says he's sick of hearing me repeat the same thing. Well, too bad! Maybe the more I talk about it, the better I will feel. That's why I love this forum and I am so grateful that I found you all. There are people out there going through the same thing who know understand, and people who really care.

Kristen, I am so sorry to read of the loss of your dear sweet Missy. Your uncle would have been so pleased, knowing that you went to great lengths to find Missy. You provided a loving and caring home for her. Please do not blame yourself, some things in life are simply out of our control. Plus our babies usually hide illness from us, it is just in their survival nature.

Please come here as often as you can, I think you will find the experience comforting. And I hope that the happy memories of Missy will bring peace to you in this time of sorrow. Please know that Missy will always be with you...for she lives within your heart.

Dear Kristin/sweetmissy,

If you simply scroll down under the Forum Topics listing, you will find my post. The last post was on October 26, 2008 (the post date will be on the right hand of your screen). The title of it is Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care And Then Lost Their Pet? Guilt Is Horribl.

If you can, you might find some comfort in going to a Pet Loss Support Group meeting. I go to a monthly meeting. When I go there, for a couple hours, I don't feel so alone, because other people are there sharing their grief and their losses. You could do an online search for your state/area and see if there are any groups or counselors in your area.

If you don't want to meet with others in person, you can instead (or in addition) log onto an online chat group at aplb.org They have a 2-hour chat every Monday, Wednesday, Friday evening and on Sunday afternoon. I have found these things to be helpful, though I know i still have a long way to go. People/friends have told me this is something I have to pull myself through. It helps to know that others are willing to listen and they are grieving also.

You may e-mail me offlist too, if you ever want to talk.

Take care,
Hope2heal

I am so sorry for your loss of Missy. Pets in some ways are like humans when they get sick. Sometimes they don't show or even realize the severity of the symptoms. Missy kept going back and forth acting strange at times and normal at others. How could you have possibly known. Like you said their was no howling of pain. Could it be she may have thought it was another belly ache and would go away. You went above and beyond to find her and give her a second chance. You should be very proud of yourself for doing that. Our love for them is so great and the grief so strong that it strangely turns us inside out and makes us feel guilty. It's too late for Missy, it's too late for my Arthur, it's too late for others, but not only have I found comfort here, because of the compasion of strangers(I feel like I don't get any from my family or friends either), but I'm learning alot about illness and symptoms that I never knew before and I hope it will help me in the future with other furkids I may adopt someday. I also looked up on the internet about my cat's injuries and was horrified. I honestly don't think I would have ever made my decision to let him go if I hadn't done that. It doesn't lessen the heartache. I know if he survived it, he would not have been the happy/healthy soul I wanted him to be. Missy was more ill than anyone knew, it was her time to end the pain. Now comes the hardest part, ending our pain. It will ease in time and that special spot on the couch will make you smile to think of her. It may not be that way now but it will happen.. Missy is with your uncle again and letting him know what special neice you are for adding happy years to her life when she lost her friend..I hope you find the comfort you need here kristin.. Hugs.. Ann

Thank you Ann and LuvLabs. I appreciate your words of comfort. I am so sorry for your losses. I wish I knew what to say to all of you, but this is so fresh to me so I am speechless. I can't even help myself during this sad time.

hope2heal, please send me your email. I would love to chat.

Kristin