On Saturday, we had to put our younger cat (age 17) to sleep. I know it was the right thing to do. She was in no distress (thanks be to God!) but her tumor had broken the skin. Last year, we had surgery at this stage but the cancer came back and was more aggressive this time. The surgery was so distressing to her that when we saw the tumours return, we knew we would not do it again.

The vet came to our house and my husband and I were together with her. Our older cat (age 19) was with us also. Oh, my poor, dear, loving, brave, fierce, tender shadow, how I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I was crying so much I couldn't type anymore. My husband is gone for a week and I'm at home alone, with our older cat, who is grieving as well. I knew in my head that I would outlive her but in my heart, I couldn't see an end to her life, to our closeness. She was a feral cat we took in when she was just a few months old. She was very loving but she would never let us pick her up. She would jump into our laps or sit on the bed or in a chair but one couldn't pick her up. After the vet gave her the first shot, we were able to pick her up and hold her for the first time ever. It felt so good to hold her. Why wouldn't she let us do it before? Why?

My heart simply aches for her. Everywhere I look around the house I think I see her. Or I hear her in the next room or coming down the stairs. When I come home, I look for her. Tonight, I picked up a tin of food for our older cat and it was her favourite food and I just cried and cried. I'm still crying.

I am sorry for your loss. They are such a huge part of our lives - they are family. When we are forced to make that tough, final decision, it is so traumatic. You did the right thing for her. She was loved from the beginning to the end and she knew it. You even spared her a trip to the vet by having him come to the house - another proof of love for her. The impact of the grief is so strong, particularly for the first days and weeks. They just don't live as long as we do, and that is so hard for us. It has been one month since my poor kitty has left the physical realm, and for the first week, I hated going home. He was always at the door to greet me, even when he was so sick. Or, like you, I would see something out of the corner of my eye, or hear a noise, or feel a warmth next to the bathroom sink, where he had taken up residence for the hot months, loving the cold tap water. Although these reminders are so painful at first, it has started to be a bit comforting now, these strange shadows and movements. Like he still visits, making sure things are okay.

Feel your grief, although it is painful, because it is proof of how alive and loving you are. Be there for your older kitty, because she feels the loss, too. My other cat acted strangely for about a week, looking for her buddy. Although he was old and didn't play with her much, he was a part of her life, too, since we adopted her. That, too, proves that they feel love.

I found that writing down some of the things that made Oswald unique helped me. It amazed me how little of the day to day stuff I really remembered, but that is typical of any life. There were, however, pages and pages of little episodes. By writing them down, I felt that it was helping to keep his memory alive. I want to remember some of the little things about him. Maybe something like that would help you, too.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss, for the hole in your heart now.

Dee Dee

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am sad for you that your husband isn't there to be with you. I don't know a whole lot about feral cats -- I feed some at work, but only one ever even comes up where I'm there. It seems a miracle that you were able to take this little kitty into your home and have him show you such love even though he woudn't let you hold him. You obviously totally loved him too. I'm glad you got to hold him at last - that must have really felt so good to BOTH the kitty and you.

I know your other cat IS grieving as well. Please give him extra love now, and try to take good care of yourself. I know how much it hurts, and sometimes it seems the crying never ends. After awhile, you will begin to have some good moments, and then hours, and then days. Sometimes, the grieving takes a long time, but the memories (even though they hurt so right now) will one day begin to become happier. Like someone here said, the grief seems to come and go in and out, like waves in the ocean. . .

Please keep writing here and reading the other posts as we have all been through this awful pain of losing our best little buddies. It helps so to know you are not alone in your feelings, and you will find much love and understanding here.

Tell us your babies' names and post pictures of them here when you feel like it.

Bless you.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR RESPONDING! I have written in my journal about the last few days and I appreciate very much the suggestion that I write about her uniqueness, what made her so loved. I must leave the house now and will write more later. Again, thank you so much for responding. Sometimes, one feels like a fool for being so upset, yet she is worth every tear and more!!!

edited to respond to you, Marcia, because I didn't see your post before posting mine. My cat who died is Chuchelo, which is Russian for scarecrow. We named her that because when we found her, she was skin and bones held together by fleas. Our surviving cat is Fida, who is named for a Lebanese friend. I will see about photos, I'm not really sure how to do that. Perhaps after my husband comes home. Again, thank you so much for answering!

I am so sorry about your loss. It is so hard to lose them.

My words of advise are: take comfort in your other cat, Fida.

I lost my beloved border collie to sudden heart failure six weeks ago. I always thought that she was in perfect health. My surviving dog is full of health problems, but he is doing ok. He's been a wonderful source of comfort.

Dear Chuchelo's Mom, By coming here you have found a place where there is no such thing as too many tears, but where in time the smiles will come through the tears when you think about the special times you shared with your kitty. We too see and understand the little shadows seen out of the corner of the eye, all the reminders that give us a stab. It was a lucky day when Chuchelo found you, and I have to believe that we will all see them again. Sending hugs.

Chuchelo, All of us here know precisely what you have written about. My beautiful cat (in my avatar) was also a "stray". He was skin and bones when I found him in my bushes. I can relate about the "quirks" a kitty can have. My cat was very big and cranky so one always waited for him to tell you whether or not you could pet him. Your kitty might have something in her background about a person picking him up that she "remembered". Even at such a young age somehow or another she may have been "imprinted" with some negative information about being picked up. The fact that you could never hold her makes your story all the more sweet. You allowed your kitty to set the tone and tell you what she wanted and didn't want. If another person had found her they may have said "I want a cuddly cat--this one won't let us pick her up--lets take her to the pound!". Instead, you allowed her to be different and you gave her a wonderful loving home for all those years.
I read somewhere that when you find a cat the opposite is true--the cat found you--she chose you--(as my Ginger chose me!) no one could have understood Ginger like I did--and no one could have understood Chuchelo like you did. We were chosen!
I cried and cried oceans when Ginger died. I also "could not stop" --but every now and then I would stop and I would feel a calm wash over me--it seemed like Ginger was in the wind and the sunshine and the moonlight and the rain--Ginger is not here....instead, he is everywhere!
So it will be for you dear Chuchelo's mom. Love does not die when the body does.
And nothing in heaven or on earth can keep apart those who love.

Thank you all so much. Yes, I am trying to spend extra time with Fida now and to talk to her and hold her and comb her and just love her. I know it was the right thing to do, I just wish it wasn't necessary. Still, death is part of life. The pain I feel now is because I love her so. If I had never met her, I wouldn't be in pain but I wouldn't have known her love.

I found her at a federal conference center where I was on an off-site. They were trying to catch her to put her down, as they had her mother and siblings. I rang my husband and asked if I might bring her home because they wanted to kill her. He said, "well, I don't know, you're there and I'm not -- do what you think is right." I told the staff I would bring her home with me if they would leave her alone. And there began the story of a great love.

Thanks for listening!

Today in the post we received a beautiful condolence card from our vet. She wrote a very personal note and though it reduced me to floods of tears all over again, it was also very kind.

Hi Chuchelo's Mom:

That was very thoughtful of your vet, although it brought on tears......

I think that it makes "all the difference" with regard to veterinarian's.

Our EX-VET didn't send us a card, after having to put our Ernestine to sleep on 2/7/2004.... Though we had only had this vet for about 5 years, our girl was 19 years and 10 months old.
It just would have been "a nice touch", after I found out that approx. 90% of vet's "do send out a bereavement card".
It would have been nice to know that perhaps "he was a little tiny bit sad"......

It is so hard, losing a beloved family member, but I do believe that there is a wonderful place, "Rainbow's Bridge", where our furbabies/animal friends wait for us......

I wish you and your family much comfort during this difficult time, and, I am happy that you found "Lightning Strike".
It has been a very safe haven for me to express anything that I need to.
And, everyone here is like "a very, close-knit family".....

God Bless you!

Love, Denise

I just finished another crying jag. I just become overwhelmed and fall apart. I threw myself on the couch, on her special spot and just cried and cried. It aches and burns and hurts and is positively wretched.

Hi:

It is still soooooo very early in the hurt/healing process.

It's awful & it's painful & I remember how badly it feels!!!!

I remember how awful my head hurt, and how my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.
The pain was so awful!!!

I grieve with you, and I am sorry.
I understand how hard it is!!!

You have made many wonderful friends here at LS, and we are always here for one another.

Let the tears fall, because they are healing to your heart and soul.
One day, you will be very surprised..........
Though you still may cry, you'll be surprised, because you'll also start to smile!

Your beautiful Chuchelo is always with you!!!
Of that, I am sure!!!

Love, Denise

I do so understand. I still have at least one "crying jag" almost each and every day -- always for my little Hannah and for poor little Babe too. It is better than it was, but I know it's going to hurt for a very long time. When we get to the point that it hurts so much and we need to keep going, we just have to do as everyone says and make ourselves remember the good and happy times (although that still makes me so sad too)!
We all know that terrible wrenching, aching feeling. It is awful. My throat just tightens and my heart too, and sometimes I just want to scream, and sometimes I just want to scream, "Hannah, Hannah, where are you Hannah? Hannah, Hannah! and Babe, Babe. Oh my babies, all of our babies. I feel for you.

Thanks again for your kindness. I weep too for our surviving cat who is so lonely for her buddy. I'm home most of the time with her and talk to her and pet her and play with her and still she yowls and cries on the landing that was Chuchelo's special spot. I don't know how to reach her.

chuchelo's mom! this is so GREAT! just think if it had not been for you (and dear husband) we would not even have this thread about what a wonderful presence your chuchelo was in your life!
You know, my husband said the exact same words to me about Ginger! He said "do what you think is right"!!
I did have to get his "permission" since Ginger was a real handful. kind of a rottweiler in cat's clothing. lol
And I am very very upset because Ginger was YOUNG. but I do have to remember that I provided a good life for him. without me (and husband) Ginger was destined for the pound and they would have euthanized him for sure because he was not sociable and downright fierce.
I am so sorry our buddies lives had to come to an end. But I am so glad we had them. I would never trade experience of having had him for anything. I know you feel the same

You're so right, gingerspal. The price of love is pain when parted. What Chuchelo brought to my life is worth every tear I've shed and more!!!

Chuchelo's mom

Just opened the vet's bill. I know they have expenses and my head knows they must be paid, BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO KILL MY BELOVED FRIEND????? It makes me so angry in my heart, though I know it is necessary. I would gladly pay a higher vet bill on a regular basis rather than have to pay now. It seems indecent somehow.

Oh, Chuchelo, I'm so sorry this had to happen. I miss you so much. I still can't stop crying. And I can't come here very often, as it makes me cry. I know the tears are healing -- I just can't take too much at once.

Dear Chuchelo's Mom:

I am sorry! I feel your pain very strongly...

I hear you, about the vet's bill.....

I've worked over 20 years in the human medical field.....
It costs to come into this world, and, it costs to leave this world.....
It's quite strange, when you really think about it.

Yes, tears are healing, they are; but, right now.....you have lots of healing that needs to be done, for yourself.

But, if you can't come here for awhile --- know that I truly understand that.

There are so many people here, going through so much pain.
And, it's terribly hard, trying to "get through your own pain, and read about someone else who is just starting the
very painful journey that we go through...."

First and foremost...... YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!! THAT IS A MUST!!!! PLEASE!!!!!
You are still in the "very early stages of trying to heal your broken heart"...., and you have been a wonderful, comforting & healing person to all of the people who have come on LS and are in the throes of suffering themselves!!!

Please, take one minute at a time...........one second... Okay???

Chuchelo's Mom...........We all care about you, and we all want what is best for you!!!

So, please, take care of yourself, my friend... I care about you!!

If you'd like, you can PM or email me...........that's totally fine with me, if you need support.

God Bless you!!

Love, Denise

Chuchelos Mom,
I know exactly how you feel! This past Wednesday I had to put my Beloved cat Rascal of 14 years to sleep as he was diagnosed that same day with FIV and Feline Leukemia and boy was I shocked since he had been tested and vaccinated for it before. I knew it was serious, but I never would have guessed it was that. He started losing patches of hair about 2 months ago and got to the point where he didn't want to move and I think I knew in my heart he was dying but I wasn't willing to admit it. But I completely understand the crying. Everywhere I look I see something in the house that reminds me of him. His favorite spots to sleep, a blanket that he layed on, or his dish. Its so hard to imagine him never being here again to snuggle with. I miss him so much and I have to struggle not to cry.

You see I was never able to have children and I always treated him as my child and I talked to him as though he were human and bellieve me he understood the human language. My problem is that I feel guilty for not staying there with him until the end, but the vet never asked if I wanted to. I guess they didn't think I could handle it. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. My one girlfriend had to put her cat to sleep and her cat was 23 years old, she had heer since she was a young girl and it was very hard for her. another girlfriend had to put her 17 year old cat to sleep, so I have some support here. but just know that you are not alone and keep the happy memories alive. I have a picture of Rascal in a frame and hes smiling in his sleep. It helps me to think of happier times. I also have 2 other cats and 2 dogs who have been comforting me. Its good that you have your other cat to comfort you. God bless and my prayers are with you and everyone.

Kim

Chuchelo, no deaths are free. They all come at a price. The financial price is insignificant compared to the emotional price, so please don't let that dwell on your mind. Even humans don't die free - there's all sorts of things to pay for.

Perhaps your other cat is telling you that you are not on your own in suffering this pain as she feels it too. I'm sure you'll find eachother a comfort and you can get through this together.

I know it's hell, but at least here we're not alone.