I am so thankful for this site, We had to have our beautiful Mr Kat put down two days ago, and I have felt bereft ever since. I didn't know it could feel this bad, and also the guilt of course.
I know though, from reading the messages on this site, that others are going through the same thing, at the same time.
We only had Mr Kat grace our lives for 2 1/2 years, as he was a stray who was living rough in our garden, and sleeping under our house. He looked like a real bruiser, beaten up from all the fights he had been in, but as it turned out, he had an absolute heart of gold, and a meow like a dainty girl cat.
At first he chased my daughter's Ridgeback through the house, when he visited, spitting and hissing at him, and trying to attack him, but as soon as he knew Cairo was family, and we didn't want him to do that, he changed and made friends, and the last image I have of them together, is on Christmas day, Mr Kat coming up to Cairo and touching noses with him, even though he hadn't seen him for a year.

Mr Kat had crystals in September, and was almost blocked, and had a catheter etc. He seemed to get better, but on Christmas day he was sick, and I noticed there was hardly any urine in his tray again. I took him to the vets as soon as possible, and he had to be catheterised again. His catheter came out, and he came home with six different meds to take, twice a day. I bought gel caps to put all the pills in, so they would be easier to give to him, although he still hated it.
After about six days, he started leaking urine everywhere, and I was told to stop giving him the cortisone pill he was on. The next day he had blood in his urine again, and I knew he was in great pain, meowing if we touched him, and not even being able to put his little head down to have a sleep, or clean himself, he sat with his head up, and his eyes closed. I took him to the vet again, and she said his bladder was very full, and it wasn't incontanance as we had thought, but overflow, because he was obviously not able to pee. He tried to go 3 times while I was in the vets, and looked at me in desparation. The vet said he could be catheterised again, but she couldn't say for sure he wouldn't, fill up again afterwards. She could manually try to express the urine, or use a syringe through his tummy, but that may rupture his bladder, if it was fragile and stretched. The op we had contemplated for him wouldn't be any good, as he wasn't blocked, his bladder was just not able to push the urine out.
I suddenly remembered, that since we had him, I was always surprised at how long it took him to urinate, but just thought that was how cats were, but when the vet said it should not have taken so long, it hit me that he must have had a bladder problem from the start, I just didn't know it, and it had just got worse over the time we had him, to where he was now not able to clear his bladder at all. I felt sick about it, and that he was in so much pain, he was already on so many meds which were not working, and he was greatly distressed, so I made the decision to euthanase him, to put him out of his misery, and because I thought he had little chance of living a normal pain free life from now on.
I couldn't stay with him when it happened, having done that with my little Fox Terrior a few years earlier, it was horrible to see the life drain out of him.
I couldn't stop crying all that night, and in the morning, phoned the vet in case they hadn't put him to sleep after all, but had tried to save him. That wasn't the case of course, but I was so devestated I hadn't tried more options, and I missed him so much.
I have felt terrible ever since, missing my affectionate gentle Mr Kat, who just loved to be on laps, and loved human contact so much, his gorgeous yellow eyes looking up at me, his musical little trill when he got some food he loved.
I thought I wasn't a 'cat' person, but that changed with Mr Kat.
I let him go as I knew he was in extreme pain, and looked at me in desparation, but now I keep thinking, maybe he could have got better, but am I just being selfish as I miss him so much?
I know I can never have him with me again on this earth ( so painful to contemplate ), but I still feel so guilty that his life here is over, and I did it.

Katlin, welcome to this board, we know the pain you are going through.
You helped make Mr. Kat's life a happy one after he took refuge under your house. Perhaps he knew, by intuition or positive waves or whatever, that your home was the place to go to. Perhaps he knew that you would show him love and give him comfort and security. Perhaps he even knew that this would be his last station, but finally he had reached the most wonderful place to be on this earth. Thanks to you, Mr Kat experienced what love and a family is, and he made sure you knew he knew what it was, by his accepting Cairo, so so sweet. I don't know why things had to turn out to be this way, all I can say is that I am grateful that he knew love and devotion, he could have suffered this illness all alone, on his own, a great many strays end up dying without another soul being aware of their fate. But I know, you ask why did this wonderful young animal have to become so sick. Why do things go wrong when all is right with our world. Why also,if death must come, does it have to involve suffering, why do our poor innocent animals have to go through it's very ugly side. The vets didn't know how to deal with Mr. Kat's problem, what a horrible problem this was, also it being a several times a day thing that should work normally and could not work for what was probably a very grave reason.
I really think that what you had to do, you had to do...you had to give them your permission to put MrKat out of his misery. If you would have been choosing wrong, your vets would have expressed their opinions, would have asked if you were sure you were making the right decision. Still, when that decision must come from us, when we are the great decider, we will feel totally responsible for our actions. We can blow things out of proportion to the point where we feel we killed them but that is not true, we just helped them out of an impossible situation, but when we are missing them, the reality changes. It can drive us crazy, you have to be very careful not to go drown yourself into the guilt pool. When we choose, we choose out of love for our animals. When we have seen the being we love so much suffer so much, some may call it selfish but euthanasia is an option available to us when we can not bear to put them through more pain ; because we have a choice, we try to choose what is best even if our state of mind at the time is the most shakey it has been ever. Even then, what is best for the animal may or may not be the right choice for the survivor. We do what we can, out of love, if we make some mistakes, it's because we are human. One can ask oneself if roles were reversed, would you understand what was happening? I know in my case, I would. And I think my soulmate sees things this way too, I hope he knows I tried to protect him from all the pain that he was and would have had to go through. Love lives on, after your tears have fallen for a while, you will become more quiet and you will hear Mr. Kat's message in your heart, you will know that he is still around, purring silently, caring for you from within. For now, you do the same, just keep loving Mr. Kat from within, you will find him there with you, forever. Hugs, this is so hard, know it will get better.

I am so sorry to read about your loss. The only information I can offer is I learned from my Little Guy that some male cats have a small bladder and because of that they can't have hard food cause they will get crystals. Mine got it twice in his lifetime...where he couldn't pee and kept walking from box to box. Both times I had a vet come to the house and she put an IV in him and gave him water or saline to flush him out. I think it was to get his bladder so full that he would pee.
Both times the flushing out worked and we didn't have to go further. But when it happened the 2nd time, from that point on he only got canned food and never had it again. When a cat gets blocked like that it is a true emergency and the vet said if the flushing did not do it then more medical work would need to be done.

I am thankful it worked and I know people whose male cats live on kibble and have no problem. Little Guy's twin brother, Keeper, never had a problem with this but it is something to be aware of with male cats. Female cats can also have a problem but their emergency can wait until the morning. The males have to go in as soon as it is realized they are not going. My female once got cyst*itis and was on antibiotics and recovered. But when Little Guy had to go on canned food, I put them all on it cause I didn't want to take a chance he would get into their kibble.
Just lessons learned from experience. All we can do is do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.

Losing them is the hardest thing to deal with. I don't know if Mr. Kat's problem was the same as Little Guy had ..there can be many things that show the same symptoms and only the vet can try and figure out what is going on...but I do know you should not feel any guilt for doing what was necessary to get him out of pain.

It has only been a very short time and that is the worst of times. Just remember he is not in any pain any longer and that was very important. They just seem to easily become part of our lives and when they are not there...we feel a big hole with emptiness in it. It will take time to push away the sadness and make ourselves remember the good memories that make us smile that they were a part of our live. This forum is so good to post your thoughts and feelings, whether you are talking to others here or talking to Mr. Kat. If you have any pictures of him, it seems to help when one posts pictures as they always result in anyone seeing them smiling and forgetting their pain for that brief moment in time. You might want to take a stroll through the Tribute Section here and look at the pictures and you will see what I mean. So if you do have any of Mr. Kat, we would love to see them. Take Care and remember your loss is extremely recent and you are in the worst time of grieving but think of good memories when you can and tell us stories of Mr. Kat if you want to. Where you are, we have been there and/or are there now also and knowing others share the same hurt and pain makes one feel not so alone and seeing others work through their pain helps one to see the future can be peaceful and full of the good memories. Never forgeting our special ones but being able to think of them with smiles instead of sadness is a step toward healing.

Thank you toonie. and thank you LoveThem, for your heartfelt replys. Of course I cried again when I read them both. You have your own very sad losses, and yet you take the time to post often to others.

When Mr Kat had his first bout of crystals, I was told to feed him only Hills Science dry diet. He didn't like it, and he was extremely stubbon if he didn't like a something. I soon learnt, if he didn't like a certain food, no matter how long it stayed, he wouldn't eat it. I read up on the internet, and it seemed like a natural diet of raw meat, but not fish, is best for cats. He loved that, but it was only a few weeks later he got this second , worse problem. I think the crystals were a result of his main problem of not being able to empty his bladder properly, which I now realize, had been there all along.

After I came home from the vets, I went on my computer to look for the photos I had taken of Mr Kat, but was horrorfied, they were not there! I looked everywhere, but there was not one, I think they had been deleted accidently. That's the trouble with digital photos, and it's something which can't happen with proper photos, but I had none of those either.
I phoned my other daughter, (not Cairo's mum) as she had been taking digital photos on Christmas day, and thank goodness, she had ONE photo of Mr Kat!
It is not a good photo at all, but it is all I have now. He had climbed up on my 84 year old aunts lap, who does not like cats, look at her expression !
This photo does not do him justice. The others I had were of him when he was totally relaxed, lying on his back, legs spread wide, front paws in the air, exposing his gorgeous pure white tummy fur. I'm crying again now.
In this photo, he was already sick again, and probably in great pain, although we didn't realize 'till later.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I can't seem to get his photo on the page. I will try again later, when my partner can help me find out what the problem is.
Thank you both, once again for your loving support, and I will get Mr Kat's photo up, one way or another.

It is always so difficult to say goodbye to a loved one like Mr. Kat. We try our best to do everything we can do to make their lives good but some things are just beyond our control and the ability of the vet to help. I am very sorry for your loss. Perhaps in the future you can adopt a new cat from a shelter that will honor the memory of Mr. Kat.

Take care,
Ken Albin

Thank you for that, Ken.
I had read about Daddy Cat the first day I found this site, and cried like a baby of course. I have been crying loads, for my loss, and for everybody elses who's stories I have been reading. I can't seem to leave this site, I get up to go and try do some work which needs to be done, but minutes later I am back, and blubbering like a baby again. We all miss our little fuzzballs so much! (whatever shape they came in)

I just managed to sweep the kitchen floor for the first time since Mr Kat died, and of course there was lots of his hair in the debris, his pill popper is sitting there in the laundry, and the brand new cat carrier I bought last week is still in the hallway. All these reminders, but no Mr Kat. I know I must rally myself, and get on, but I just don't have the motivation at the moment.

I am feeling the love from the people on this forum, though, so thank you all so much.
Mr Kat's Mum

I know what you mean. Tommy has been gone for almost a year now and the other day we were cleaning and found a hunk of his orange fur under the bed. I saved it. Time does help but the feeling of loss will always be there a little bit even years later. You just learn to deal with it and move on.

Ken Albin

I am very sorry about your loss of Mr. Kat. It is such a difficult time I understand. Please know that you did everything you could and that your only consideration was for relieving the pain Mr. Kat was experiencing. You can never fault yourself for that. The decisions we make because we love our pets are sometimes the most difficult we have to make. I had to have my cat euthanized on Christmas Eve when I was out of town. I had to give the okay telephonically. It was so hard and so sad, but I knew it was the right thing. I didn't want my Bonny to suffer, just as you did not want Mr. Kat to suffer.
Please keep coming back to the site and writing your feelings. It really helps. I cry everytime I write a post and am crying right now as I write, but this is where the healing occurs. We have to get the sadness out of us and not bottle it up. Please know that we are all with you in your bereavement and be good to yourself. I know the feelings of guilt all too well. They are distorted emotions and thoughts gone awry and serve no real purpose except to make us more miserable. We much do what we can to banish the feelings of guilt and instead replace them with feelings of joy and love for the precious time we had with our babies. When I adopted Bonny from the shelter in Fairfield, California, she was on death row. She had only three days left. She was only two months old when I adopted her and she lived over 15 years. There are some wonderful resources out there. Our humane society in San Diego has bereavement workshops. You can check with your humane society and see what services are offered. There is also an organization called the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. Their website is www.aplb.org. They have some very good information and resources. And of course, this website, is fantastic and a lot of my healing has occurred here. Take good care and please be kind to yourself.

Bonny's Mom

I chose not to bring Mr Kat home from the vets. We will be leaving this house shortly, and if he was buried in the garden, he wouldn't come with us any way. Also, I know Mr Kat is not his body, or his ashes, and to tell you the truth, I just could not face seeing either of those things at the time.

What happened though was the next day, when I couldn't stop crying, and just wanted him near me again, I got the bag which had all his fur in, which I had combed off him over the months, and I took that fur and put it in a fancy velvet padded box I had made a few years before. I touched his fur for a while, and tried to imagine it was really Mr Kat I was stroking. Of course, that didn't help at all, but it is something I have of his, thank goodness.
I have read somewhere, a lady got all the hair she combed off her cat, and spun it, and made something with it, maybe just a square of fabric, I can't remember. It was after he died, and she felt she had something of him still with her.
I am wondering if this is a bit morbid of me, but Ken mentioned he has kept a clump of Tommy's hair he found.

Thank you again for supporting me, it is helping very much, athough, the tears come suddenly, still,
And Bonny's Mom, I will go to that web site you mentioned in your post to me, thank you. We all share the same pain, no matter the cause, or way of death of our babies.

Katlin48