It's 4:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. I'm not sure what will help but maybe writing about the day will offer some comfort. My 15 yr old daughter decided to get a puppy instead of a newer car (she is about to get her license). We agreed and found the most beautiful and precious peke-pom mix puppy and took her home on July 1st. She named her Duchess and took care of her like a little mama. She loved that puppy!! This morning she was so proud of Duchess because she didn't whine last night in her crate at all. She was sleeping in my daughter's room. I was so happy for her and the whole family, including a 3 yr old mix dog we have named Trixie, loved little Duchess. Today was my 7 yr old daughter's b-day. She had the puppy outside and in a freak accident, tripped over the leash while Duchess was running and the puppy's neck snapped. I saw it happen and really came unglued. It was horrible. My 15 yr old ran upstairs and held Duchess while we tried to get to the emergency hospital but Duchess died in her arms on the way there. There was nothing we could do. Everyone is devastated. My 15 yr old can't stop crying and I am so worried for her because she has had some problems with depression in the past. And my 7 yr old! She is feeling so guilty and we are reassuring her but she is little and doesn't understand how accidents happen and it was her birthday!! This is all so awful I can't think about anything else. We do have a counselor we see for my daughter and we will see her on Tues. We only had Duchess for a week and a half, but she fit into our family like she was always there and we miss her so much. I feel so bad for my daughters. Please pray for us. This is so incredibly hard. I have never seen anything pass away right before me. It's just heart wrenching. In my head I know we will recover but my heart is broken and I can barely keep myself together for my kids. Thanks for listening.

OH - I am SO sorry such a horrible accident happened to your family!!! PLEASE take your entire group to that counsellor and keep going until you work through this. Especially your teen - you need to make sure that she works through this and heals.

The death of a pet is traumatic, but the death of a young pet doubly so when you include children into the equation. Your priority is their well-being - please make sure that you communicate with them as openly as possible, allowing them to grieve, and if you have problems, seek out a GRIEF counsellor - someone who specialized in this type of loss.

I grieve with you and hope your family heals quickly.

I agree about the counselling, particularly for the 15 year old. The death of a pet is always so hard, but the fact this was a very unfortunate accident makes it doubly tough.

You and your family are in my prayers!

Dee Dee

Dear Mindy:

I am terribly sorry about this awful accident.
It was an accident, but I know that that doesn't make anyone feel any better.

Counseling is very important, and I am glad to hear that you are going.....
As DJ said, I think it's important "that all of you go"...

You and your family are in my prayers.

God Bless you!!

Love, Denise

Oh, Mindy. I am so sorry about what happened to all of you. I agree with everything everyone else has said. Hold on tightly to each other. I know it's devastating for everyone of you.

I just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you and your family and will keep you in my prayers. Bless you all. Again, I am SO SORRY.

Marcia

MIndy! of course you can think of nothing else! All of us have experienced that "thinking of nothing else" thing!! In your case it is amplified by the imagery, the unexpected-ness, the birthday and children! You and your children must still be stunned and in total shock.
My beloved cat was run over in our own driveway by US---his owners!!!! I tried desperately to keep him alive (he spent a week in an emergency hospital, had a surgery but died anyway) so I can completely relate to your post. When an animal is lost it is horrible--but when an animal is lost "seemingly" at the hands of it's very owners, well, I don't have to tell you--the feelings are RAW.
It is still so early for you and your children to take this in but there are some reasonable and logical things for you to consider:
1. You all know that this was an accident. The very word accident was created for this situation. No one in your family could possibly forcast that anything like this might happen. No one in your family would ever want anything but the best for your new pet. Accident means an unforseen happening, not premeditated. ACCIDENT. This could have happened to anyone. AC-CI-DENT. Say it often.
2. This type of thing does happen OFTEN with small small young pets. You are not alone there at all. My supervisor told me tearfully that one time she simply took one step backward while standing at her own kitchen sink and stepped on her new small kitty, and it died!! Very similar situation to yours. Very small animal and person "collide" --and the worst occurred. We know my supervisor did not mean to do that either but she felt miserable for a long time.
3. Time! Prepare for you and the daughters to be intermittedly distraught for some time. What you experienced was a ghastly event! ("lightning strike" indeed) --but with love you will get through it together. I think you should have a ceremony with the children for closure. I don't have children but I have helped myself through my own tragedy with some rituals and such. Gather your children up and have meetings on how to do all this. It will help--it will be painful too--but you are a unit..a family--you will face it all together.
Write anytime.
Love,
patti

I agree. Some sort of "ceremony" is definitely in order. As well, keep in mind that youngsters frequently become "obsessed" with the thought of family dying once they are exposed to the subject. It is very important to keep an open dialogue and organizing a ceremony might very well be the "grease" that ensures a smooth transition from grief to a more normal state.

Think of candle lighting ceremonies, perhaps have each child write a good-bye letter to the pet that they read and then burn in the flame. As well, although I am not a religious person myself, a small night-time prayer may help them "share" their grief in a way that counselling may not.

I wish you the best of luck and know that you will come through this. I'll send a wish out to my passed-on furry ones to take care of yours and teach her to fly.

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that my children are very connected to the animals we have. Loosing my Indy I thought it only effected me but, as I found out, it didn't. It envolved my whole family. We had to work through this together and all my children act differently to the situation. My oldest, she is 11, was depressed for weeks, my middle, she is 8, cried the day she found out and then it was just gone, and my son, who is 3, kinda remembers him. My husband wasn't connected with my Indy, he was saddened but quickly got over it. So with the reaction my older children gave me I had an idea that I got from my mother in-law. We went out and found a special plant and the kids were going to take care of them and they represented Indy. It was my way of trying to ease the pain for them and telling them in a different way that Indy will always be with them. Your Dutchess is in everyones heart and will never leave. Not having her here in person is very hard, I know. But I try to talk to him and consull my children when it is bothering them. No other pet will ever replace Dutchess but somehow and someway you will make it through this horibble time. I am still going through it everyday and it does lesson as time goes on. You all are in my thoughts and maybe my Indy is up there greeting your precious Dutchess and telling her one day she will be reunited with her family. Light a candle for Dutchess and my thoughts are with you.
Chrissy W

Well it's 4:00 a.m. again and sleep is not coming easy. Today was a little better, gave me some hope that we will get beyond this. My 15 yr old, however, is really suffering. We see the counselor in the morning and I'm sure she will help. The other thing is that we couldn't decide what to do with Duchess. We dug a hole in the backyard but found out it isn't legal to bury her in city limits. But besides that, if we move she would still be here. So we investigated cremation and talked to my daughter about what she wanted. She had trouble deciding and so did I but she finally said she wants to cremate her so she can stay with her. So we will go to the funeral home tomorrow. I think we will have a ceremony before we go (I'm not sure my daughter wants to actually go to the home) and I told my kids they could write something or draw a picture and put it in the box with Duchess. I am praying that this will give some needed closure. My 7 yr old seems to be doing pretty well. She's had some helpful distraction with friends and activities. My 10 yr old daughter is handling it fairly well and my 18 yr old son grieved for a bit and now seems to be over it. My husband is also not as affected. He loved the little puppy but did not develop the same bond and also has his work responsibilities to consider and has moved on. I think he is having some trouble understanding our continued grief but he is trying. I can't tell you all how much your responses have helped me. I have been astounded at my own intense grief and difficulty with this. I did not function very well today. But, I did feel somewhat better and I am hoping each day brings a little more relief. I know I will never forget little Duchess and her loss is a permanent part of our family history now. But I know we will survive and be stronger for it. We have talked about getting another puppy. I know there are different schools of thought on this. I would be interested to know what some of you think. I want my 15 yr old to be able to know that she can love again and not be scared. She is so upset. I am just trying to comfort her and allow her to grieve in her own way. She has attached herself to our other dog, Trixie, who has been a source of comfort for her. Thank you again for your kind words and advice. It has really been a comfort to me. God bless all of you.

I think another pet, despite being so soon, might be a good idea. Children heal amazingly quickly - and loving a pet is an obvious distraction from grief for them. But make sure that they don't feel you are replacing Duchess. Instead, perhaps let them feel that you are adopting another puppy in Duchess' honour. The important thing is to consider your options and do what is right for your family.

I am glad to see you moving forward. And, by the way, you are feeling such grief because you are a mother. No matter what anyone says, I believe the bond of a primary care giver and their little one is the strongest bond two beings can forge.

Good luck to you - you will remain in my thoughts.

hi again Mindy,
One thing I think you should be on the lookout for is the probability that the older sister might harbor some harsh feelings against your 7 year old daughter. Unless the older girl is very unique, she will cast blame on her younger sister. "Blaming" is part of the anger step in the grief process. I had a very very hard time because I blamed my significant other for Ginger's demise. (He was driving, I was the passenger) Especially in the beginning. I was so angry with him I nearly left him over it. It's been weeks now so I am finally over blaming him--but it was very intense at first --because Ginger was "my" cat. With time I do understand it wasn't his fault. But it sure took quite abit of time.
Has she told you whether or not she is upset with her sister? It is perfectly "normal" if she is--(and she probably is--it would be nice for her if she could openly express that to you). Siblings generally do have problems with one another anyway! I hope for everyone's sake she will be able to be honest about her feelings--no matter what they are. There is probably quite a bit of comfort being given your 7 year old --of course--! because she certainly did not mean to do it..but I'd make sure the older girl gets plenty of "equal time" in being able to express her anger (without alot of "oh don't feel that way" etc).

It is interesting how everyone in your family is in a different "place" emotionally..feelings do tend to wax and wane--and everyone is so different. I like the idea of the new puppy. Like DJ's mom wrote children heal fast and I would put it to the older sister as an option. If she can handle it emotionally then I say go for it!

thinking of you!
Patti

I thought I was doing better, but it's about 5:00 am and I can't sleep and I feel so sad. We went to the counselor today. She was really helpful and my 15 yr old was able to talk and cry and we all gave each other permission to grieve however we need to. We came home and had a little ceremony for Duchess and then took her to the funeral home for cremation. They will call us in a couple of days to pick up her ashes and we are getting an urn for my daughter to keep in her room. I guess this will help us with some closure but I am truly getting exhausted with all the emotion. The one thing that has come up that is making this a little more difficult for me is that no one told us to use a harness for the puppy. Other friends with small dogs were all told to use harnesses by the vet or breeder or store. No one told us!! We took her to the vet and she was wearing her collar and leash, why didn't they tell us? I should have known, if I had known we would have not used a collar!! She might be here today. I feel like I failed so bad. We got our other dog when she was a year old from a shelter. She is a medium size dog and very strong. I didn't think about a harness. I wish so much I had known. I just feel so bad. My 7 yr old is having trouble too. She told me how whenever she tries to sleep she thinks about Duchess. I just talk with her and comfort her and follow the counselor's advice. It will just take time I guess. I would just like to be able to get some sleep. I'm sorry I'm rambling. It just feels good to write it out. Thanks again to everyone for caring and words of comfort. I think I have meltdowns like this at this time of the day because I have been trying to take care of everyone else all day and have ignored myself somewhat. This is my grieving time I suppose. Thanks for listening.

You didn't know about the collar. You do now. Please don't "what if" yourself like that. It was truly an accident. I am glad you went to see a counsellor and that it helped. Mourn Duchess, but try to remember the good times with her.

shoot mindy--don't "be sorry for rambling"--that is what we are all here for--to either be the rambler or the "listener"--(and sometimes both) if you saw some of my posts from when I first got here you would see they go on and on. as you say--on some level it just really helps to get the words out of you and onto a page. It helps alot. It's a process.
The ashes thing is interesting to me because I have had plenty of pets in my day but never opted to keep the ashes prior to Ginger. It did and does help me to have them. They gave him a chintzy tin receptacle and I shopped for something nicer. I transferred the ashes myself (but did not remove them from the plastic liner). Before I never wanted to have a constant reminder of my departed pet --but this time having Ginger's ashes has helped me with the "closure" part.
Please do not blame yourself about the collar versus the harness thing. It really is terrible that no one told you about that--that harnesses are the preference for very young animals. Especially when you had her there at the vet!! I take it you have never owned such a small young puppy before and you could not possibly have known something like that without being told. Place the blame where it belongs on the breeder and the vet--not on you dear girl. You can't get information like that out of the sky--you did not know that you needed to know it. I know that you will continue to feel guilty despite what I have said because 99.9% of all pet owners feel guilt no matter how their pet's lives come to an end. That has been established here when you read everyone's posts. It doesn't matter how it happens, accident, euthansia, old age, heart worm, kidney failure--whatever it is the owner feels guilt. It's because we are "in charge" of everything for them and that includes how the end occurs. It really is unreasonable but time and time again that is all you see--if I had done this, if I hadn't done that, if I hadn't shut the gate, if I had shut the gate. It is endless. So you are in good company in the "I let her down" department. We ALL feel like we let them down. sigh.
Mindy--your situation is really a double whammy because not only have you lost a friend but you also have children involved and the gammit of emotions. I can tell you that these feelings won't always be so at the forefront. In the meantime try to take some walks or ride some bikes or do something to move around more than usual. I went swimming. It helps alot.
We are always here. let us know what happens next. {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}
Patti

Please don't feel guilty about the collar. Patti is right when it comes to "we want to blame ourselves". Vets don't always tell us everything. I trusted a vet here and believed I had to do a senior wellness exam to make sure he was okay. Turns out he was fine and just had arthritis. Well 9 days later he was gone. I went through the what if I had done . . . . I want to blame myself, the vet and the world. I have to say that my family is somewhat like yours. My husband and kids have moved on and I am here with grief. It is different for you because this was your daughters dog and that makes it different. I would do what the counselor has told you and comfort and talk with your youngest. It is going to be hard for her because I think understanding that it was an accident just doesn't make sense to a child that young (my daughter is 8). It is going to be difficult with your 15 yr old. This was her dog. She may hold bad feelings against her sibling but I agree with Patti . . . Let her express herself to a point. There always need a boundry because you don't want her to say something so hurtful to your youngest. You are in my thoughts and take time for yourself to grieve as well. I know your family may not understand but you need to do that for yourself. I hope this helps a little.
Your in my thoughts, ChrissyW

You will always have little "setbacks" in your healing process. I believe it's because the grief some of us feel for our pets is so great we can't let it go all at once - it would be too overwhelming. So our minds portion it out over time - allowing us to develop a bit of an "innoculation" against the pain.

Talking to your 7 year old about Duchess would probably help a lot. It will be difficult for YOU, but it would remove any fear or upset your little one feels. Ask "What" she is thinking about when she thinks about Duchess... A calm, open dialogue will do more than just assuage any guilt or upset - it will create an openness with your little one that you will be benefiting from forever.

As for the collar vs. harness issue - something very important that you have to realize is that no matter what we all do or how our pets pass away, there is always an attempt to justify our guilt and pain. It is human nature to find a way to blame ourselves, our vets, the world - and that is okay!!! Just remember that as harsh as it was, it was a lesson learned - both for yourself and your vet. Would you put a harness on her if you could go back? Of COURSE you would!!! But time has moved on and Duchess is now waiting for you in a beautiful place. Not because she was wearing a collar - because it was her time to go.

Well I thought I would update you on our progress. While I am still working through my grief, I find it a little easier each day to cope. I have been sleeping and getting back to my exercise routine and taking care of some things. The house is a disaster, but it'll eventually get done. We did buy another puppy today!! My 15 yr old found an adorable maltese puppy that she instantly fell in love with. I am a bit skeptical about another small puppy, but I am trusting that we have all learned and she will definitely have a harness and NOT a collar. My daughter is so excited and expressed to us that she needed another puppy to love or she thought she would go crazy. I believe in my heart that this a good thing for her. She was getting better and dealing with her grief and getting out of the house, etc. So I think she had a little time to get over the shock and though she will always remember Duchess, she is ready to love the new puppy. She did all her research and we looked at several puppies before finding this one and I think we made a good decision. It feels right anyway. The whole family is in agreement and we pick up our new puppy on Monday. The little ones are excited as well and my 7 yr old is holding up pretty well. It appears we are all on the mend, but waves of sorrow do come, just not as often. I can't tell you all how much being able to write here and read your responses has helped me!! You have truly been a blessing and I appreciate it so much! It's an important thing you do here! I just wanted you to know how thankful I am. God bless you!

Hi Mindy:

I am happy to hear the good news with regard to getting your new puppy on Monday....

And, don't worry about the house --- it'll get done at some point.... Right now it's much more important that everyone start feeling better.......
Eventually, it will get done..... There's more important things to deal with now...

Please, don't be surprised.......some days you might feel pretty good, and then "wham", all the feelings of hurt & sadness come over you again.....
After a few weeks, I thought that "I was just fine"........
My friends here told me different.....
And, I wasn't surprised to find that they were right.

How is Trixie doing?

Yes, your daughter (and everyone in the house) will always think of Duchess with loving thoughts......
And, should/when the tears come again,
there will be a new little puppy to give her tender, wet kisses...

Please, keep in touch with us and always let us know how you guys are doing.....

I have always found 'it' amazing here on LS..........

Even when people are suffering & in pain over their own losses,
that we all somehow find some strength & comforting words to make a "newcomer" feel a bit better.

Life goes on!

It's truly a blessing...and, definitely a Miracle!!

God Bless you & your family!!!

Love, Denise & Ben (Lucy and Mr. Yoster)