**Joanne (jackjackbojack is a new member here. Two of her precious furkids (Rassy cat & Howard ) are very ill with kidney failure. With Joanne's permission, I'll do my best to get her posts together (along with their replies), so that she can have her own thread. **

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My two babies are dying of Kidney failure. There is just so little time left. My Rassy cat is 18.5 years old. My Howard is 16. I have been through this once before with my kittywillow. People here are so compassionate and kind. I can't stand it when people say to me its just a cat. Its not. These are my babies. I know how much joy those special little ones bring into our lives.

We enclosed our patios and made them into cat rooms. (We have one upstairs and one downstairs. We refer to our cats as the ups and downs. My up cats will soon cross over the Rainbow. All I will have are some pictures and lots of wonderful memories.

I don't want them to suffer. Rassy cat is still holding on. I know he doesn't want to leave me. Howard still has some time left before the curtain falls. I told Rassy Cat whenever he feels its time, to just let go. I would much prefer to see him die peacefully in his sleep rather than having to put either down. Howard is so attached to Ras, and sick that we might put him down just so he doesn't have to suffer the heartbreak of loosing his best friend esp in his condition.

I just continue to check on my babies. Rassy cat sleeps so soundly. I just keep checking to see if he will wake up. I try not to cry in front of him. He knows how much I adore him. And the last thing I would ever want to do is keep him alive if he is in pain.

Today, I told him, whenever you are ready to let go, its ok. Always know, I love you as much as life itself.

Dear jackjackbojack please come and talk about what you're going through as often as you need to. You have a treasure with your old cats. People who say it's just a cat, just a dog just don't know better. Just a cat, but so much better than just people. Just a dog but more special than most two legged friends. Just a horse but with a bigger heart than a person's.
Pity the poor people who don't know this. We do. Never mind them, they run on empty:empty thoughts, empty words and an empty heart. Ours may be heavy, but it's still full. Take care. Just do as you are doing now, you will find the strength through the love that they have taught you over all those years. Courage.

jackjackbojack Posted: Oct 2 2007, 11:12 AM

Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 5
Member No.: 3,649
Joined: 30-September 07


Hi Toonie

Time is drawing near to the end for my baby. My husband is out of town until Thursday night. Rassy cat has started loosing weight. Last night I got so scared I rushed him into the vet. His stomach was ok. We went to the vet this morning for his SubQ fluids. He just looks at me like why are you doing this too me. The vet said as long as he isn't in pain, not to do anything. I have cried to the point, I wonder how I am able to continue to shed more tears.

Our animals are so sweet. They bring us so much joy. Perhaps, I am being selfish because I just continue to hang on. The first time I went through this I didn't get to prepare. My kitty had fiv plus kidney failure. The fluid treatment extended her life by 1.5 years. But, when it was time, it just happened so fast. We rushed her to the vet. The vet said it was time. After it was over, I got so sick I developed ulcers and stopped eating. I blamed myself. Now here I find myself again blaming myself. I had taken Rassy into the vet for a host of other problems. He would come up to me and cry and want to sick in my lap. Little did I know what was happening. Then as I was sitting at my computer, I looked down at him. I thought he was having a seizure. We rushed him to the animal emergency. I just cried. No one wants to be told or believe the worst. However, I think if I had been taking him for fluids more often prior to all of this, he may not have gone down so fast.

I know the CRF is terminal for the majority of cats. There are the lucky ones who's masters can afford transplants and dialysis. I checked into the cost. It is just so out of our reach. I told my husband when we will the lottery, I would buy cat dialysis machines, train the staff and make sure for those who couldn't afford it, they could get treatment. I would do for others so that maybe they wouldn't have to go through this pain of saying good-bye.

I just wondering how I am going to get through each day after he is gone. I have had him since he was three months old. Now, he is 18.5. How am I going to get through a day without Mommy's cat.

Joanne

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jackjackbojack Posted: Oct 3 2007, 09:12 AM


Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 5
Member No.: 3,649
Joined: 30-September 07


hi 5catsmom

I am so new to forums. I guess I should have started a new topic. I wasn't sure of myself with this computer. I am not real literate with computers.

Anyway, i do thank you so much for your kind words and compassion. I looked up on the internet about cats and reincarnation. There were some interesting stories and accounts of how the cats and their loved ones united.

It was before Rassy Cat got so sick, that I told my husband out of the clear blue there would be a very special cat enter our lives. I told him I didn't know when. I just knew it.

Yesterday was hard on me. I really thought it might be the end. I had called the vet to make some kind of arrangement. Then I realized something. Rassy Cat I sense wants to die at home with his other friends. It seemed like after I got this message, he perked up.

I am trying not to be sad around my baby. I think this makes him sad too. You are so right about these memories now. My husband is out of town. He should be home tomorrow. When he calls, I put the phone on speaker so he can talk to Rassy Cat. My husband has come to adore him. When Jim comes home, Rassy Cat seems to just perk up.

I found a site on talk radio about animal communicators. It was interesting how these women seem to know so much. From what I understand, some cats reincarnate into new bodies, because their work isn't done. And somehow, they do unite with their previous masters. Others just go on and cross over on to a new journey, new home, etc.

Thank you for taking time to respond to me. Its so hard to hold back the tears. For anyone going through this, its very hard. This is the second cat I have lost to Kidney failure. Its been seven years since the first one. You know there are times, I wonder if it is worth getting so close to go through such grief. But, then, I realize, grief is just an expression of love and letting go. This is what is so hard is just knowing its almost time. I have resigned myself to live from moment to moment with my baby.

Its very hard on the other cats too.



k9pal Posted: Oct 2 2007, 01:47 PM


Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 111
Member No.: 3,079
Joined: 4-June 07

jackjackbojack -- I've noticed you on this site lately and it sounds to me as if you are going through a hard time right now. I'm very sorry that Rassy is not doing well. May I suggest that maybe you should post a new topic of your own. That way people will be able to respond to you on a more personal level. I hope all is well with Rassy. Take care k9pal

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5catsmom Posted: Oct 2 2007, 09:28 PM


Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 452
Member No.: 1,278
Joined: 13-December 05


Jackjackbojack, I know what it's like to see your cat with CRF, one of my oldest friends, a cat named Heidi, passed away from it, and it was one of the most traumatic times of my life. She was 18, and the fluids prolonged her life by maybe 9 months. I didn't think I'd make it through, I wish I'd have known about this site then because I really feel it would make a difference. The loss of a pet is so unspeakably painful. Spend as much time as you can with Rassy - the memories you make now, although they will hurt terribly after he leaves, will one day be priceless and never to be lost to you. Do take care and let us know what happens - Barb



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toonie Posted: Oct 3 2007, 11:30 AM


Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 271
Member No.: 2,632
Joined: 25-February 07


Hi Joanne, you seem to have the right att*itude, taking it one day at a time and trying to know what your kitty wants. Hang in there, we are all here with you. One day at a time, and try to savour each moment. Take care.

Hi Joanne, I just want to start by saying that I think that you are such a caring wonderful mommy. I'm sorry that Rassy and Howard are ill. I hope all is well with Mew Mew. Rassy cat sounds like he is a darling. It is so adorable that he drinks from the spout. How are you holding up? I know how stressful and exhausting it must be for you. Just know that we are all here for you. Take care k9pal

Joanne,

Rassy Cat's and Howard's story just breaks my heart. I, too, lost my girl Nissa to kidney failure (at least that's what it appears to have been from, ultimately, but for all we know, there could have been something else as WELL....she had many ailments...) Since I still just don't have the strength to write as I used to, perhaps you might look at some of my older posts (click on the member's underlined name to get to their Profile, then click on "Find all posts by this member" to get a list to choose from, then click on the underlined Post Preview # to see the entire post and its thread) to see some of the many things I did for our girl to keep her going....if that's what you'd like to do for your babies.

Before I forget, to type Pus*sywillow's name in, add an asterisk somewhere in the first part of the name so it shows up properly. The anti-spamware is simply trying to get rid of po*rn-type language, which it sees pus*sy as being.

It IS hard providing the care-giving to ailing kidlets while still trying to provide for any others, and we don't often get enough credit, or help, when we're faced with this monumental task. I hear you there.

But you are right about trying to stay in the PRESENT with Rassy Cat and focus as much as you can on JUST the love and loving, while you still can. BUT, if you HAVE to cry at the same time, so be it. That's okay, too. Rassy Cat will understand. He knows your very soul, not just your outward persona, and feels your suffering heart just as much as you feel for him.....because you're bonded to each other. Some people have ended up feeling like they didn't do their furries any favour, trying to hide their real feelings from them, as if that said they didn't care as much as they really did. So just trust that your babies DO know and DO understand, and they love you no matter which way you handle things. They'd do the same for us, were the shoe on the other paw, so it's no different.

Have you asked your vet if an animal tech might be available to come to your house to give fluids when needed? Some provide such a service, or you might find one from another vet who does. Or, as we did, one of you might learn to do this yourself at home. Some people just can't, but it might be worth looking into and trying under the supervision of your vet or vet's tech while in the clinic - they SHOULD teach you how to do it first there.

It could even be that Howard and Rassy Cat are going through this together, by choice, on a spiritual level, so that neither one of them will feel alone during this illness. While it's very natural to worry about such things, perhaps you don't really need to when it comes to Howard, as he may just decide to naturally leave himself, soon after Rassy Cat does.....maybe as part of a soul agreement they've worked out. But if not, he WILL have you and your husband, still, and you might be surprised at what may come out of your bond with him, should he be the one remaining.

And just a note: kidney cats like and need extra warmth when their kidneys aren't functioning up to par anymore, so providing them with a steady but mild heat source that won't burn their tender skin is always a good idea. We used covered gel-pack pillows from the drugstore, which we further covered with a zip-lock freezer bag (after many heatings, the gel can start to leak suddenly...time to replace then), over which the flannel cover went. We heated them in the microwave, but ONLY to a certain point that Nissa found comfortable. This alone was work, doing this several times/day or evening, depending on if she was on them or not, but she loved her pillows so it was always worth the effort. We also hand-fed her many times....and she liked that, too. She lived to 19 yrs, 7 months, btw, with tons of care along the way. I'll never regret all that I/we did for her, or the fact that I helped her stay with me as long as she could. She didn't want to leave me, either, so I couldn't have done otherwise for her. We BOTH hung on to each other, and there's no shame in that! It was what it was......nothing short of great, great love between two forever-bonded souls.

Mew Mew will also help all of you through all of this, too. Why else would she be there??? We join up with who we need to join up with, for reasons we don't usually comprehend until later. Your family is what it is for many reasons and you will support each other through it all, as will those here who know your pain.

Oh Joanne,
I am so so sorry that you and your babies have to go through this. No words can ever take away the pain of saying goodbye to our special friends that we love so much. I'm glad you found this place. We all certainly know what you are going through.

I know that you will be okay and get through it...but I also know how hard it will be. I pray that God gives you grace to see you through whatever. Love your kitties to the utmost while you can. I wish I would have had more time with mine.

Take care
John B

Joanne,

Something important to keep in mind as even many vets don't seem to know this (or remember it when they need to?) - if a cat is dehydrated at the time of a blood test, they may show FALSE indications of kidney problems....so if Mew Mew is too dry, make sure she's properly hydrated first, and then don't get another blood test until at about 48 hrs. after hydration. I've heard of this happening far too many times already and it's just wrong! Of course, you still have to figure out WHY a cat gets that dehydrated, but that might be far better a picture than kidney disease. Let us know what they come up with.

Okay, so HEAT isn't going to be a problem, I see!

As for Tootsie, if anything ever warrants a trip to the vet, you might just want to check her thyroid....just in case it's not just a simple matter of overeating, which it very well could still be, though. I'm a proponent of a raw food diet for maintaining the highest level of health for our furries, but in a nutshell, each to his own. Our kidlets ate both a homemade raw food diet and high-quality canned, with very little dry in later years....would have done NONE whatsoever if they'd agreed to it. Dry food is terrible, btw, for worsening the kidneys and most mainstream, traditional vets don't know this, either.

I'm glad that Rassy Cat is getting less stressed at the clinic. That goes a long way towards health, too.

Unfortunately for all of us, most animals today suffer from too many diseases that were brought on by poor quality food, too many harmful drugs and of course things like abandonment or abuse before they were lucky enough to be rescued/adopted. We are the ones who are left to deal with all this outfall, as are they. It's no different than with human families, though. We're almost ALL quite ill, whether we know it yet or not. So no, it's not fair, but it's of human making overall. And it won't be solved overnight. So we just have to deal with these horrid things as best we can, even though they tear us to pieces inside.

This is the kind of time one has to start counting small blessings like the fact that at least we'd rescued them so they're with US and not somewhere much worse (or already long gone), at least they're not going to be left w/o us to care for them if things were opposite and we were the ones dieing.....anything you can come up with. Sometimes it's those stray thoughts that give us the strength to carry on while being care-givers to our babies. You're being as vigilant as you know how to and that's all you can really do. Taking as many pics as possible is also a very good idea. Make sure many of them are of the regular, normal, everyday things, and try to include yourself in as many as you can, too, as a memory of your special relationship with each one. You're being proactive there and that's a good thing, too. That will help you later on, even if it doesn't right now.

And your former boss.......was a total idiot! So many people are, especially when it comes to animals. At least you're not one of them.

I'd LOVE to tell you all about how to get through this, but no one really knows. We all just learn and read about grief and experience it as we go, and it's never the same, even with different fur-kids. Each bereavement has its own challenges. And, if I knew myself how to get through Nissa's parting, I could gladly tell you, but I haven't, not by a long shot (it's been almost 14 months now), so you never have to feel like you're lagging behind - I'm a living testament to 'lagging'! I, too, spent years crying about Sabin's death (Nissa's brother), and Nissa's is so far even worse in many ways, as she was my last furchild. It's tough, so tough, and not any one person has all the answers. Many of us will be here to share in your pain and that's one help out of many you may find. But I would encourage you to do as much reading as you can about what's normal for grief (even if it's a book on human loss), whether now or later, as I know you don't want to take away any time you might spend with your babies. For now, the best piece of advice I could give you is to just BE there for them as much as possible.

Dear (((((((Joanne)))))))

I just wanted you to know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, along with all of your precious furkids.....
I am happy that you found your way here, to Lightning-Strike. There are so many sincere, wonderful & caring people here who truly understand what you're going through.

I am very happy to hear that Mew wasn't dehydrated . Please let us know if her blood tests reveal anything.

You are going through sooooo much - my heart really does go out to you! More than anything, I truly understand the love that you have for all of your very precious kids . I can hear it in your words.....

With regard to wet canned cat foods, have you tried, Innova EVO? http://www.evopet.com/products/default.asp?id=1501 .
The canned does not have grain, it is high in protein and low carb.

Another good canned food is Wellness (the NO grain varieties).
http://www.oldmotherhubbard.com/wellness/c...key_salmon.html
Our furcats only have the no grain varieties - and, as well, they do not eat beef.

Roughly 80% of our Ms. Lucy's diet is raw chicken which we purchase through Feline's Pride. Our Mr. Yoster's diet is about 40% raw.
http://www.felinespride.com/flash/intro.html

Quoting Furkidlet's Mom:



I agree! I am amazed that most veterinarians out there believe that dry food "is good for the kitties teeth" Nothing could be further from the truth!!

From reading your posts Joanne, it's easy to see that you are a wonderful, loving & caring mom to your furkids . I am here for you. Please feel free to PM or e-mail me whenever you'd like.

God Bless you and yours,

Denise

Joanne,

Yes, the food challenges can be something else with kidney cats. The brands Denise mentioned might be worth a try, too, although the higher protein content in grainless foods might pose a problem (for a kidney cat), depending on how high the Creatinine and BUN levels are already. What our 2 holistic vets recommended was to use a high quality canned, but as Nissa's levels (slowly) rose, add in up to 20% of organic cream of white or brown rice, which I cooked (takes only about 5 minutes) and then further blended into real mush before mixing into her also-blended canned food. (I just made small 3-day amounts of the rice at a time) This allowed her to have better protein yet cut down the % to a more reasonable and safer amount for her kidneys to try and process. NB was one of the brands we used in rotation, too, although after some of theirs got recalled recently, I'd be more leery. Wellness, as far as I know, never got any recalls and was one of our staples.

It's very tricky trying to balance all the particular needs of a kidney cat, but your vet is right - the single most important thing always remains the highest priority, which is keeping them EATING. We ended up using about 5 high quality brands, in flavours that she liked and that didn't tax her kidneys as much. Fish, unfortunately, was one we had to limit in amount because it isn't very good for bladder problems, which Nissa also had. I did use tiny, tiny bits of water-packed tuna (no salt! or rinsed if no-salt wasn't available) when needed for stimulating her taste buds (as 'icing' on top of her food), but also made sure it was the type (already forgotten WHICH type that was now!) that DIDN'T carry high levels of mercury.....might have been tongol tuna.

As for dry food, Dr. Pitcairn DVM as well as others has homemade recipes for "kibble", which would still be healthier (and fresher) than most bought dry foods. Or, you could try adding different amounts of purified water (or parsley tea, stinging nettle tea, catnip tea or other appropriate herbal preps. for kidneys/bladder) into the dry food to try and counteract its drying effect in the body. You could even separate the meal into 2 parts....one with moisture added and the 2nd offering with none, so that dry texture won't be totally 'spoiled' for Rassy Cat. Just some thoughts anyway.

But whatever you do or don't do, yes, you obviously love all of your kidlets very much and have quite a few problems to try and balance, which has got to be difficult, especially all at once! I hope Mew Mew's test comes back just fine - you've already got enough on your plate! Maybe she's 'just' reacting to all the stresses around her lately.

I used to tell Nissa she had pus*sywillow toesies, all silvery-grey and the tiny size of real pus*sywillows! I'd kiss them ALL the time....and she loved having them kissed and worshiped!

Your poor girl went through so much, too.....it just breaks one's heart, doesn't it? More than anyone, they deserve to be healthy and happy, and yet that's not too often the case anymore. But she was a real character, your girl! Who SAYS cats can't guard their people?!?!

Yes, staying in the NOW has its benefits. But if you can't keep it up all the time, don't beat yourself up for that, either. We're not used to thinking like this, so we have to forgive ourselves and even congratulate ourselves for those moments when we CAN accomplish it. Another thing that helped me somewhat was trying to remind myself that at least I'd been able to help keep Nissa going much longer than some vets thought she'd be able to go.....never long enough, I know, but it did give me an iota of comfort. Whatever works for you, works, so that's what you've got to use.

We'll be thinking of you and waiting to hear.....

Oh, crap....well, this isn't good news!

I really have to run, but I just wanted to say a couple of things before I do:

One, those kidney values really could be showing higher than they really are, seeing as Mew was already so dehydrated before they took blood (as I'd mentioned before), so I'd suggest both making this known to your vet and asking for a recheck in a few weeks (not TOO soon, as you don't want to stress Mew out too much and she needs to rebuild the amount of blood that was taken....kidney cats are also at risk for anemia) I would ALSO ask if this is really kidney FAILURE in Mew already, or if it's 'just' kidney disease or "insufficiency", as there's a big difference!....usually "failure" is not technically occurring until the Creatinine value is above the highest range with repeated testing. And BUN values aren't anywhere near as indicative as Creatinine values. Your vet SHOULD be able to not only fully explain this to you, but also provide you with copies of each test for your own records.....you never know when you might need them.

And two, if you're currently using any chemical cleaners anywhere in your home (including common bleach).....GET RID OF THEM. Swiffer products, for just one brand, has been known to cause both liver and kidney failure as well as sudden death in animals. But most others on the market can be just as bad.....why do you think they have warning labels...that most people disregard? Our kidneys are the single, largest filterers of toxins in the body, so when they aren't working properly to begin with, all possible substances that might harm them should be removed from the environment. And cats of course, lick their skin and feet all the time, plus are just sensitive to many substances. The more natural and safe substances you can use, the better, including laundry supplies.

Oh, and any dietary changes should be attempted at a SLOW pace, like over a week, with cats, otherwise you risk intestinal &/or stomach upset, which also adds stress and can put them off the new food by association with vomiting.

(and yes, it was NB canned, wet food we used, too; the minimal dry food was Wellness Super5 Mix, which has now been changed to "Complete Health"...plus there's the no-grain formula of dry, but it's got a lot of fish smell to it, tho there isn't much fish in it....?????)

OK, gotta run! I sure hope things settle down for all of you in the next while!

Joanne, I'm sorry to hear that Mew also has kidney disease. I don't know how your managing to keep yourself sane. My heart goes out to you during this painful time. I just want you to know that I think that it is remarkable the way that you rescue and nurture all those gentle souls. It says alot about your character. I'm so greatful that Muffin had compounded and made your post into your own thread. Now your recieving the advice and support that you deserve. I would of liked to respond to you more often but I'm afraid that I have no knowledge about felines health. I thought it best to step aside and make way for others who have the experience and knowledge about your cats health to respond. But, I can offer my shoulder to you during those tough emotional times. So if ever everything seems to become too overwelming just post and I will and I am sure others will respond. Wishing you the best k9pal

Hi Joanne, You have so much on your plate right now. I honestly don't know how you handle it. I had one dog that was sick and my stomach was in a constant knot. Not to mention how emotionally and physically exhausted I was. You have three to care for plus all of your healthy animals. I can only imagine the anxiety and the emotional stress that you must be feeling. I'm happy to hear that Jim will be home today not only for Rassy but for you also. I hope he helps to perk Rassy and you up. As for your vet, he certainly does sound like a kind, and compassionate man. I'm glad to hear that there are still vets out there that are in their profession because of their love for animals and not the money. Take care k9pal

Joanne,
I am continually amazed that there are people in the world like you. And your husband, and your vet. What blessings. I know you have so much to deal with and so many people wouldn't feel the same sense of responsibility and love to deal with it all.

My experience with Heidi cat (I probably told you) was that she started every other day with sub-q fluids, and maintained fairly well on that. As she got worse, it went to every day. The fact that none of your cats so far are on daily fluids - am I right? - I think is a reasonably positive thing. Sometimes we have to look for the positive things, I think. In the end, when I'd made the appt to have her put to sleep because I knew she was struggling and the fluids weren't helping anymore, I had her spend the night on the bed with me (I kicked the husband out - but more about him later) and somehow during the night she let me know it was her time, and she and I eased her over into that other dimemsion, or heaven, or wherever it is that we all end up together. That was heartbreaking, losing her, but in a way it was a blessing - she chose when, she was comfortable where, I was with her as I had been all her life, and she didn't have to make the scary visit to the vet which would have traumatized both of us. So the actual leaving, while I dreaded it and it hurt more every day, I can look back now and see it as a series of serendipitous actions which made it all so much easier for all of us. (The note about the hubby - I'm an RN, and although I haven't worked in a while, we would take Heidi to a military vet hospital for the military dogs which also have room for extra pets on occasion. They would give us supplies and have us do the fluids at home, to save money and cause they weren't open every day. I just naturally thought that I'd be the one, with the medical experience, who would be doing the fluids, but I folded like a bad card table when it actually came to it. I just couldn't do that to Heidi. Hubby was a natural, the man whose main claim to fame was that he hadn't looked away when any of our 4 kids were born (and I was an OB nurse, I was so not impressed with that). But he had no problems with it, knew how to set things up, calm Heidi down, she came to trust him, and he hardly ever made a mistake, and he was a rock through the whole thing. (And now I'm gonna cry, cause he's going to Afghanistan soon, but stiff upper lip, now.)

Anyway, I've learned a lot here in all these posts about so much, from so many. Food, and how to serve it and make it better, and what brands. The care and treatment and love that all our pets need when they need us, which they always do. And again, the beauty of people like you, Joanne, who take in the needy and make their cares and sufferings and happinesses so important to your life. Occasionally, in times like these, we need to know that there really are angels unaware among us. So many are right here, all the animal lovers, those who go the extra mile and then some, and share their educational experiences with their pets as well as the heartbreaks which we all feel. I heard once that a heartbreak shared is a heartbreak divided - I'm not sure about that, because losing a pet can be one of the most devastating, unspeakably hurtful, lonely - well, you all know. But we're here, and we do care, wherever and whoever we are, and I admire each and every one of you for the help and love you give each other. In my eyes, there are few more noble causes. God bless and take care - Barb

Dear Joanne, I have been reading your entries, I had to pass a note, I am soo sorry for what you're going through, 3 sick kitties...all at once, our old Frank who we lost 5 years ago, he had kidney failure and I actually gave him the Sub Q fluids for almost a year, he ended up getting cancer, but I was so torn with feeling that I was causing him suffering, but you know how strong and stoic cats are, they just keep living on for us, I kept telling him as I did my boy Hrudey, go ahead and go if you need to, unfortunately he had to be PTS in the end, but it was kind of his way, b/c he would never have done it on his own, it was just his way, strong strong strong, even in the end, I never knew cats before my husband came along with Frank, he was 22 yrs when he passed away, I loved him and will always be grateful for him coming into my life, his vet was amazed how he lived on with very minimal kidney function in the end....well, honey my heart and prayers are with you, I understand, its a terrible place to be, but I know your fur pals are so loved and you are doing all you can, that's all you can do, they are blessed to have you, love and hug them all you can...Best wishes, Tory, Hrudey and Frank's Momma

Hi Joanne:

After visiting another site tonight that I frequent http://www.yourdiabeticcat.com/ , I came across a member looking for help for her CRF kitty. She was given the following link: http://www.felinecrf.org/

Perhaps you've already seen it -- but, just in case it has some useful information, I wanted to post it for you.

You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Peace & Love to you and yours,

Denise

Dear (((((((Joanne)))))))

I've got to run to see my mother & then my dad in the nursing home, but I came by a site you might want to check out regarding holistic vets -- they might be in your area.

http://www.holisticvetlist.com/

I've been to the shirley's wellness cafe site -- there is sooooo much information there - about everything... I definitely need to take a speed reading course & then try and retain everything I learn in my brain.... I'll be 47 years young soon .

I am keeping you and all of your precious babies in my prayers!!

God Bless You & yours,

Love, Denise

Joanne,
I just wanted to say before I went to bed - God bless all of you, and I hope tomorrow is less painful for you and Rassy Cat and Mew. Please let us know, and take care - Barb

Dear Joanne,
I admire you very much for how you are handling this very very difficult time. Take care and may the angels help you carry on. Hugs. You are the best, your cats are very lucky to have you.

Hang in there Joanne,

Reading your stories breaks my heart, but oh! such lucky lucky kitties (and dogs) to have found someone as marvelous as you.

Mr Moose is trying to understand, and be supportive of you too, accept it when he gives it You are not going to love Rassy Cat any less for it. I pray that Mew will be a tough little girl, and that she'll buck up and fight like Rassy is. My heart & thoughts are on you today, and I wish you guys the best. Rassy had a great life with you, he is loved immeasurably, and just that fact alone makes him one of the luckiest cats alive on earth. Comfort yourself in knowing you've given him the best life he could have had here and i'm sure he's very grateful for it as well.

<3 Much love, thoughts & hugs

Liv

Dear (((((((Joanne)))))))

God Bless you my friend.....

I was trying to write you a post about 1/2 hour ago, but what I was attempting to say, what was in my heart, wasn't coming out right.
I was trying to say to you that it was okay, that it sounded like the time was right to help your precious, beloved Rassy Cat on his way to Rainbow's Bridge....

I sincerely know how very, very difficult it was to do what you did -- but, you have given your precious Rassy Cat the most loving gift that you could have. You have given your most loved boy the gift of peace.
HE WILL ALWAYS & FOREVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HIM...

Years ago, when I made the decision to have my sweet girl Ernestine put to sleep, someone here told me, "Denise, you took on her pain so that she could be without pain".
In doing what you did tonight, Joanne -- that is exactly what you did. Because you loved your Rassy Cat soooooo very, very much -- you helped his sick & ailing body find peace. God Bless you for your courage. I know how hard it was -- we all do. We don't ever want our beautiful furkids to ever feel pain.

You, Mew and all of your babies are in my thoughts & prayers tonight... I will say a prayer to my beloved girl, Ernie , up at the Bridge, that she meet up with your boy Rassy Cat & show him the ropes up there . I know that Rassy Cat will have his Angel wings before long!

Sending you many hugs....

Comfort & Love,

Denise

Dear Joanne, my heart goes out to you you have done so much for your cats, you love them so well and I am so sorry that you have lost your beautiful Rassy Cat. Eighteen years, how I envy your talents to have been able to keep your cats for so long. Last year on Oct. 12 I lost Felix to heart failure, Yukon already had diabetes but I didn't know it at the time. Yukon took Felix's death really hard, became really sick and I, who had kept Felix for a little while too long (he was relieved to realize we were going to put him to sleep!) decided to prevent any further suffering for Yukon, he was so devastated with grief for his brother, I thought he didn't want to live any more or/and that he had a huge undiagnosed pain inside, I put him to sleep too soon, when I did we later realized he didn't really want to go, he would have wanted someone like you who held on to hope even when he himself had none left, but I wasn't up to par, I really admire that you were for Rassy. You are just beautiful, know that Rassy is now pain free and that he is only an instant away from you in eternity. What you are going through as well as what you are going through right now for Mew is extremely difficult, I don't have words of advice or anything about that, all I can say is you are a wonderful person, try to hang in there, and know that you are the best. I know that you did, they are our children, we love them just as much.

I don't think I can express myself as well as those above me did, but I am feeling your pain, and you did the best you possibly could. I'll be thinking about you, and sending positive thoughts your way for Mew & Howard.

Dear (((((((Joanne)))))))

Early in the morning I spent an hour posting a PM to you, and more often than not if it's a long one, I tell myself to "make a copy & paste it", so that if something should happen to my computer, I will have it. Well, I didn't copy/paste, and the whole thing was lost. For another 1/2 hour I tried to get into LS, but for some reason, I wasn't able to.

Last night you helped your precious boy, Rassy Cat leave his painful & ailing body. You gave him the most loving gift -- the gift of peace. Sometimes we can pray & pray and hope that our beloved babies go in their sleep, but.....when that doesn't happen and we see our kids suffering beyond belief, it then becomes our "job" to help them. I know that your sweet & loving Rassy Cat thanks you & loves you so very, very much for helping him.
Please remember that he will always be with you, he will live on in your heart.

When I came here 3 & 3/4 years ago, after having helped my sweet girl Ernestine go from this life to the next, a wonderful member here at LS said to me, "Denise, you took on her pain so that she could finally be without pain". It finally made all the sense in the world to me.
Which one of us here wouldn't take on the pain of our precious kids, so that they could be without pain? I know that we all would. And, you did that for your boy Rassy Cat .

Cry all you want, please -- the tears that are flowing are "healing tears", and they will help you. I'm sure that your sweet girl Mew and all of your other furcats are grieving, each in their own way.

I said a prayer to my precious girl Ernie-Bird that she meet up with Rassy Cat at Rainbow's Bridge to greet him & show him the ropes up there. I know that he will have his Angel Wings before long...

Sending you comfort & many hugs,

Denise

Joanne,
My heart goes out to you. I just found your post yesterday during my lunch break at work and I read about the heart breaking ordeal that you have been enduring. When I logged on this morning, I was so sad to hear about Rassy Cat. I usually can not express myself as well as some of the other people here but I want you to know that by taking on the pain of grief and giving Rassy peace, you are such a brave and loving mommy and he is now at peace at the Bridge. I'm so sorry to hear about the struggle that has been going on with that horrible kidney failure for your kitties. Please know that I am here, thinking about you, and wishing you peace at such a tough time.

Stephanie

I'm so very sorry, Joanne, for you, your Rassy Cat, Mew and all your other furbabies. Please accept my deepest condolences as well as hopes for Mew's health to stabilize. Flower essences would be of some help with everyone's grief and stress.

Do a search on the LS forums. I've posted many things about flower essences here. I'd also suggest you ask your vet about fatty liver disease, because THAT might be the problem, more than kidney disease, if Mew isn't eating at ALL. All it takes is about 3 days of no food to start this problem in cats. I have to wonder why so many of your cats seem to have kidney problems, and also what your vet is doing if you weren't told about fatty liver disease. I'd get a homeopathic or holistic vet pronto.

Oh, Joanne..... The more you tell us, the more I see how, pardon my French, but stupid this vet was with Rassy's treatment. I know I'd been questioning right away why he wasn't just given an enema, especially after so much time of not eating. Nissa had one once, after a few days of no stool (but her usual pattern was only every 2 days, not daily) and that was with having CRF. It took about 5 mins. to work and that was that. And no, an enema shouldn't kill a cat, even if it's not that pleasant for them. The toxins that build up in the body from not pooping are a much higher concern, especially for someone with CRF who isn't eliminating toxins from their body well to begin with. If they'd been concerned about causing more dehydration because of giving an enema, sub-cu. trtmnt. would have taken care of that anyway. Plus, usually with CRF cats, blood work is done at least once a year, often more. (we got lucky with only having to do more than once/year, once, but that's because with Nissa's high level of care, she remained so stable, kidney-wise, for so long)

So yes, I'd have to agree that your vet was an idiot, and I can understand why you feel guilty now for having trusted him. I would, too, I'm quite sure. However, you didn't know what you didn't know AT THE TIME, and I'm so proud of you for not wasting one more minute and changing vets before any more damage is done. You've already learned from this mistake (and we all make mistakes) and that's what's really important. You are doing a better thing NOW and that's one of the biggest keys to relieving yourself of this guilt. Just keep doing that, and to staying vigilant, even with this new vet, and this will help you reconcile yourself to what happened to dear Rassy Cat.

If it helps, I also heard of another woman recently whose beloved dog was misdiagnosed and she trusted her vet, too, which ended up causing her dog's death. A specialist caught the mistake, but it was already too late. She's complained to her EX-vet, too, and what's even worse is that she never even got a response to her concerns.....while the specialist sent her flowers and a card. So, many docs just SUCK and others are better. Some folks have also filed formal complaints with the governing authorities for vets in their neck of the woods....although usually, no remedial action is taken against the vet (they protect their own), but if it makes someone feel better for having done so, it's still worth taking such action.

It's also true, though, that given what happened and the state Rassy was in at the end, releasing him was most likely the kindest thing you could have done. No, he didn't have any real quality of life left, by the sounds of it, so there was little else that could have been done, regardless.

I also know how it is when a vet gets busier and trades off good care and time spent with patients (and clients) for money. It's not pretty and of course the patients and their people suffer for it. That happened to me, too, to some degree with our local vet. Anger towards them is justified, even though it does nothing to change the past. Using that anger to bring forth your concerns and especially to 'voting with your dollar' are two of the best ways to channel it afterwards.

Dr. Pitcairn's book is a good one, as is Anitra Frazier's ("The New Natural Cat") as well as quite a few others (including Dr. Hamilton's - "Small Doses for Small Animals; Homeopathic Care for Cats and Dogs"). The more you learn, the more empowered you'll feel/be for any problems that may come up in future.

Knowing what you know today may indeed complicate your feelings during grief, but the more you do the things that speak to being committed to learning and doing better for your remaining babies, the more you will help yourself through that. (you might also wish to get a good book on the grieving process and educate yourself about that, too, at some point) And you have to keep reminding yourself, like an old record, that you only knew what you knew then, so can't be faulted for not knowing more than you knew (rather impossible anyway, don't you think?).....and now you'll keep learning/knowing more, in Rassy Cat's honour and memory, and for the benefit of the rest of your furkids. At some point, you'll probably have to stop beating yourself up for what you didn't know, and if there's any residual guilt left for other reasons, you have to decide whether it's truly appropriate guilt or not. If you see it as truly valid, atoning for it in some way is what needs to be done. If it truly isn't valid, then you must force yourself to throw it away. I know I'd also posted something somewhere here that included an article (secondly to the main topic) on "forgiving" (oneself, as well as others), but I'd said it was about "guilt", which it also was. (probably in the Resources section, and I think it was "pinned" at the top)...okay, I came back to add this link cuz I can't find this article, myself!
Can You Afford Not To Forgive?


This is all part of the 'what-ifs' and 'if-onlys' that so many of us go through. Hang in there and just keep doing the better things you're doing now. It'll be tough, but you'll get through it. And for this, too, you have my utmost sympathy.

Dearest Joanne,

I check in several times a day to be updated on what's going on with your babies. I'm soooooooo sorry about sweet Rassy. I just don't understand what's going on anymore in the "Professional" world. It used to be that vets would explain in length procedures and options knowing that sometimes we didn't know what to ask. It's called covering the bases. I find in todays society if you DON'T know what to ask all you receive is a hefty bill and "Oh well". I am so angry !! Nobody helped me with my precious Nickels. Never even gave me an option for his remains. No sympathy card, no follow up phone call. But the yearly vacination card was sure sent this past spring. I wish that every business transaction in this country would have a feedback system like ebay. That would trim the jerks right out of business. You can talk to them till your blue in the face but the only thing that they will EVER understand is a big fat hit in the wallet!

Everything is about the $. Too much is not enough. My friend across the street took his kitty to one vet here in town. They took the kitty into the back room and said someone would be out soon to talk to him. About half an hour later a box was put on the receptionist desk. He didn't think anything about it but was informed it was his kitty in the box, or should I say his remains. The vet then walked out the back door, jumped in his shiny sports car and drove off without even talking to my friend. They never even told him euthanasia was a possibility.

I am so very devasted about what has happened to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday and I check back often for updates. I just had to email you. You are not alone and one fine day we will all finally meet with our babies and rejoice. Bless you and all your family.

In Christian Love,
Michelle

I have been following your story. It is so difficult to watch our older cats decline and not be able to do very much about it that will help in the long run. I have lost several cats during the past few years and have battled vets over their treatment at times. It is a long, frustrating and agonizing time and I feel for you. The most important thing is to keep up your own strength so you can tend to the furkids. Don't let yourself get run down from the stress. Vibes for you all there.

Ken Albin

Dearest Joanne,

Bless your heart for adopting all of these kitties that were dumped, abused, and unloved. There is so much cruelty in the world on every level and it all has one common thread -- $$$$!! My Husband say's money gets in his way of being able to create. We're artists and if we could just be left in peace with our animals and artwork we could operate on scraps and create beautiful things.

I'm was raised Catholic and have a very vivid imagination. I picture Hell as having many many subdivisions where souls try and screw each other for eternity but get nowhere. The pain they inflict on people and animals on earth is multiplied an infinite amount forever. Each subdivision has different stories and I would love to see it made into a movie. For instance, my 88 year old Mother finally got to the point where she couldn't walk and is developing alzheimers. I moved in and took 24\7 care of her over the summer but she finally admitted she needed to go to a nursing home. After 2+ months, last week she had to be admitted to the hospital with sores on her feet that are so bad they are talking about amputating her leg below the knee. She goes in for a surgery in the morning to try a procedure before they HAVE to amputate as a last course. I could have taken better care of her than that! I have the money to start paying for her monthly costs and they have not asked for one check yet but they are literally yelling at me saying I stole $1500.00. The cost of closing her house up and moving her things. Her room smells so bad you can't go in it and her clothes and personal items keep disappearing. I'm telling you this because this is a new subdivision I have discovered that I'm sure will be in Hell.

Poor baby Howard. I think it's harder to watch your animals grieve than it is to go through this yourself. What you must be going through!! I lost about 20 lbs. after the vet killed Nickels. The guilt and grief was unbearable as you well know. The only relief I found, and it was minimal, were hot showers. I took several each day. I was pruned most of the first week. I finally went to the doctor. Please Joanne, don't jepordize your health. Your wonderful Husband needs you as well as your babies. One thing that I used to do when I lived way out in the middle of nowhere was go outside and scream when things were unbearable. I don't know if it helped the grief any but it sure tired me out enough to get a little sleep. I just wish I had an answer to give you a break. You sound like you need it badly.

After 7 years in Tulsa, and 2 bad vets, my friend mentioned in passing that his kitty vet was in his 70's. I asked him immediately for his number and am finally blessed with someone who does business the old fashioned way. No fancy office and plenty of time for each patient with a gentle and caring manner and decades of experience. The receptionist told us he will always take payments if the bill is inconvenient or too high. Finally!!

If your original vet had a brain, he would see that Mew is grieving in addition to her kidney problems. Should send him a copy of "Where the Red Fern Grows". I could only watch it once the ending was so heartbreaking. He needs to take a refresher course in compassion and understand animals grieve just as hard as we do.

I wish I had answers that would eliviate you and your other kitties grief. Unfortunately the cost of great Love is loss and great grief. I didn't think I would survive Nickels passing. He had just nursed me through 2 root c&%^s a week before he was killed. I felt so terribly guilty. He never left my side the whole time I was layed up (had a terrible allergic reaction to the shots they gave me, my head swole up like a basketball and nearly put me in the hospital). I also ended up having a heart attack months later. I know I had done damage to my body through the root c&%^s, complications, and especially the guilt and grief over his passing.

I will keep checking in to see how you are doing. This board was my rock during that time. Know you are not alone and we all care deeply about you, your Husband, and kitties. There will always be someone here to talk to. If you want to email me, feel free. My heart is breaking for you and yours. Bless your hearts !

In Christian Love,
Michelle

Dear Joanne,

As I read your post I can tell you your grieving is moving into new stages and quickly. Don't get me wrong, the pain will be bad for much longer, but you are moving forward. I have been emailing my Mothers Priest and a Prayer board today about her recovery. I prayed for her and everyone here at Lighning-Strike as well as everywhere that there is someone experiencing their own private hell that they may have some peace, at least to rest through physical sleep. I sometimes ask for signs and when I do I find them. I didn't ask for a sign this time but as usual the Big Guy sent me one anyway. A shiver ran through my spine and the hair on my arms stood up when I read your post. I live probably less than 5 miles straight down the road from you ! What are the odds? I will email you my info and we can also talk on the phone. I look forward to talking to you at your convenience. All I can say is that I couldn't have written a more heart felt post on surviving your trauma as you have written. Your post says it all. It is so healing and full of hope. It's actually a post I would recommend to anyone that is going to go through half of what you've been experiencing. It's absolutely beautiful and so very moving what you said.

I can see you helping others down the road with their losses. I'm sure Rassy would be at such peace knowing the love you gave him on this earth will be passed on to others. How your pain will turn into understanding and compassion for others going through their personal losses and help them in their time of need. The Blessings this board has brought are amazing.

Well I'd better get to bed but I would love to talk to you at your convenience.

Michelle

Joanne,

I can see the thoughts and emotions of grief are churning inside you, alongside the wisdom. Just let it all unfold the way it's going to. Your positive leanings will end up helping with the process, but you also need to just feel whatever comes up for you along the way. Grief is a slow process that can't be rushed. And, it IS a "process", not a 'take a pill and it's done" kind of thing. Be patient with yourself.

I'm so glad you, Mew and Howard were given some help from the Other Side when you asked for it. Yeah, Spirit! (and for a lagging appeti*te, have you also tried a small piece of freshly broiled, then cooled and chopped-up, organic chicken for Mew, just to get her jump-started?)

I also wanted to give you this link, for CRF cats. It's a huge site, but to start just find the most pressing categories you're facing and check them out. It doesn't have a very large section on natural treatment options (in it's own section), but there are some things, some of which I used to good success myself, like the Slippery Elm concoction (great for the common over-acidity in the stomachs of kidney cats, which can affect their appeti*te a lot), which both of our vets had already recommended many years before I even found this site, and is safer than using the pharmceutical, Pepcid)
Tanya's CRF information centre

How lucky for both you and Michelle, if you live so close to each other. I'd encourage you to take advantage! There's nothing like a fellow grieving animal lover in the flesh to connect with during grief. The closest I ever came to such a fortunate geographical closeness was about an hour away, but nothing ever came of it for some reason. Too bad, cuz I sure could have used the company, and still could.

Oh, I forgot to mention, speaking of diets......raw food diets almost always naturally take care of problems of being overweight (for your other cats), but they must be introduced very gradually, IF they'll even take to them. (but some raw food is still better than none at all, if they'll eat just a little bit) Be back later - have a bunch of pruning to do in the yard before it gets too cold out again.

Hi Joanne,
I just wanted to drop by and say "you go" for sending the vet that letter! I'm with you 100%. I wish I could give you the great kitty advice that everyone else here has but I've never had a kitty. I've always been too allergic which has never stopped me from wanting one. I'm confident that one day I will be able to get one through some miracle. Then you all can help me with advice. But in the meantime, best wishes for Mew and Howard. Again, I am so sorry for your loss of little Rassy. You had a wonderful bond with a really special baby and for that, you were lucky, as was he. You were the best mommy and I know that he knows that.
Hugs,
Stephanie

Hi. Only have a minute. I suggest having Mew's blood pressure checked, as Nissa started yelling louder than usual and w/i a few months, her bl. pressure skyrocketed suddenly and she got glaucoma in one eye and lost her sight in it. (if not for her homeopathic doc {NOT the same as just a holistic vet}, and the homeo. remedies we used for this, she may have had to have gone for surgery to remove her eye, and she probably wouldn't have survived an operation. High bl. pressure is another fairly common thing with CRF. Hope that vet has a bl. pressure cuff for cats, as they're not all that commonly bought by vets. We ended up going to a specialist clinic, where the one tech was so good at taking bl. pressure in animals, she didn't have to use the awful tape to keep it in place, which was great cuz Nissa went into a panic when they had to remove the tape from her fur (on her front leg).

You don't need one to be in your area, as many will work over the phone, as long as you also have a local vet as well for physical checks, tests, etc. (your new one could serve this role). Everyone seems to miss this point when I talk about my "distance" homeopathic vet, Dr. Don Hamilton. He was in New Mexico, while I live in Canada. How much farther away can one be?! (I've also posted links on LS before to homeopathic physicians lists, like my own, or checking the Homeopathic Vet. association in the U.S. [or whatever country one lives in], and others)

For Mew, after you ask about these areas, you and the new doc might want to space tests out a little bit, if possible, so as not to stress her too much more than she already is (with changes in diet, loss, change in living quarters, etc.) It's a good sign that she actually wanted to play with something and that should be encouraged. Try your best to remain more upbeat when you go with her to the doc's, bring something along for her to hide in (paper bag, one of those cat 'igloos', etc.) while there (in between being examined, or any procedures), use some calming flower essences for BOTH of you (like Rescue Remedy, or a custom blend that focuses on fears and anxieties she may have), bring along some catnip, a treat, a toy, soothing music (cats often like Mozart), etc., etc.......anything that will help keep her more relaxed and associate going to the docs with something nicer. Stress in CRF cats is a big factor. Of course, these are good ideas for ANY cat, regardless of condition! .........oh, and make sure this new guy is aware about how blood levels of enzymes can show erroneous results if a cat has either just been hydrated, OR is dehydrated! But REMEMBER, test results aside, every patient should be treated based more on HOW THEY'RE FEELING/DOING, rather than just on their "numbers"!! I can't stress this ENOUGH! And maybe he has a vet tech who can come out for sub-cu. trtmnt, rather than having to drag them there every few days, instead.....or he can show you how to do it yourself at home.

The Law of Attraction isn't so easy to 'work' when one is actively grieving because the largest part of grieving effectively is to allow all those emotions to just BE, whatever they are. Acceptance of all your feelings is vital to effective healing eventually. I know most of us would prefer to avoid those feelings, but that's a total pipe dream. If they aren't felt, acknowledged and then expressed or released in some way, they'll just get stored in our cell memory and cause us problems down the road. (one of the reasons why expressing them HERE is helpful) You might also want to read "Grieving Mindfully" by Sameet Kumar.

Yes, I'm well aware of Chakras (and many other things having to do with eastern systems of thought). If you think it might help, take the time to sit down and do a chakra cleansing &/or balancing visualization for yourself. Me, I now use my Rec. Healing for all that sort of stuff, as it's simpler and doesn't allow me to inadvertantly do the 'wrong' thing for my highest good. Rec. Healing leaves the outcome up to the Creator, as long as you don't get in the way of it.

You could try some peppermint or rosemary, either the fresh herb itself, or essential oil, for those headaches - rub a small amount of the oil, mixed with a much higher proportion of a "carrier" oil like sweet almond oil, or even a high quality vir*gin olive oil, onto where your headache is. But wash your hands WELL after use, so as not to get ANY onto the furkids! (essential oils can be very toxic to cats) The fresh herbs don't carry the same precautions, although cats don't like those particular smells.

I also know how hard it is to try and reconcile yourself to NOT receiving any miracles, despite practicing those teachings. (have heard the Teachings of Abraham is a great book, but haven't got it yet myself....but DO have The Secret, What the Bleep and Down the Rabbit Hole, among many others) That's the point at which one must also allow for the fact that each soul has its own plan for Itself, and that Master Plan may not have included a miracle healing on this plane. Trust in this can be quite difficult, but at least this idea helps explain why things might happen as they do and also forms part of how we can derive MEANING from our losses.

And if it helps, despite all the high-calibre care that Nissa received, especially for the last 6.5 yrs. of her life, I, too STILL suffer confusion, guilt, remorse, regret, you-name-it, whenever I hear of another cat who lived (or is still living!) well into their 20's.......and there seem to be MANY of them, yet! So again, I have to fall back on reminding myself of the individual soul's plan.....and for me, also realizing that I/we kept Nissa going for at least as long as she did, which was still a triumph in my head since her brother passed at only 13. This also tells me, though, that genetics can't be used as an automatic 'default' for health problems in anyone! We're ALL individuals, even as part of the One and our souls each have their own path to take and fulfill before returning to Spirit.

I've been pretty much where you seem to be now, Joanne, trying desperately to fit all the pieces of the puzzle neatly into something that will relieve the horrible pain. At exactly 14 months TODAY, I'd like to share that all of that existential thought hasn't helped me as much as I would have liked YET, as some of it served to squash down the FEELINGS. There just is no substi*tute for simply feeling all the horrid feelings that are just THERE, despite our intellectual play with them. So it still comes down to what they say ~ the only way through grief and its feelings IS through it, not around it.

Yes, you've got a good handle on the overall scheme of things, Joanne. And that will serve you well, I'm sure. Just remember that whenever you do falter, as we all do, it isn't the end of the world, because it's more about the cu*mulative effect of our thoughts (with emotions attached) that has the biggest power to create their manifestation in form. And the trick is also to find balance between all aspects of our lives.

For me, I did have a really good idea, ahead of time, of how much I would hurt when Nissa left. I felt the same amount of love for Sabin, and he'd been, to that point, my biggest teacher. So when he left, I was beside myself with grief, which lasted for many years and took much work to resolve well enough (including the guilt). With that experience of past pain under my belt, yet with much more time spent with my girl and all she got me through in the ensuing years, plus the extra bonding from being so infused in being her care-giver,I knew it would almost, or maybe actually kill me when she left.

And yet, it's STILL been much worse, overall, than I'd ever been able to imagine beforehand!! So I, too, was wrong in a way. I often wish I could just die now. I really don't want to have to be here, despite some moments of laughter and such in the last year. But I'm 'putting up with it' for now, and will see how it all pans out. I'm not here to pose as some poster girl for getting through grief, but am just getting through it as best I can (which is often not very darn well!) and sharing my experiences as I can. It's about all I can do right now. I can barely even be inspirational for anyone anymore, which has also come as a big surprise to me in the last while. Who I was, when my girl was with me here, is gone.

So you may well carry on much better than I, and that would be great. No one, I'm sure, would want to be in MY head space right now.

Hello Joanne, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I was really intrigued with the animal communicator. I'm also glad you will be adopting another kitty.

This past Fri I was watching TV, and my cats started to gather around my marble end table. This is the area where Bue hung out when he got sick. I have a large corn plant that I found at the dumpster about 10yrs ago.

I have been living in the same place for a long time now, so I know all the noises, and nuiances of the condo. For some strange reason 2 of the leaves on this big corn plant moved as if a gentle breeze was going through, just these two leaves, this went on for almost a minute.

I got up to shut the sliding window, but the window was not open. I felt like my Bue visited me, I'm crying my eyes out right now because this is the first time I have said anything about this.

You , and your family are in my thoughts

I want to comfort you about Mew, but I honestly don't know what to say. I always thought if a kitty was eating, and going to the box everything will be ok, but it does not always work out that way.

The gentle you breeze you felt, I just cryed my eyes out when I read that. I'm not ashamed to say this, but there are things I would do for my kitties that I would not do for human family members. I'm not sure if I'm extra sensitive to existential occurances or what. I do know that the window was closed, and there is no way a breeze can only hit two leaves on a tree that has many. You validated my feeling, thank you.

I think as you do that they come back to let us know they love us, and are with us.
I just wish the pain did not hurt so bad.

Oh Joanne, your words made me well up so much. Thank you for seeting aside your own pain to help me with mine. I will look up what you talked about on Google.
I don't discount the feeling, I guess I should have worded it better. I just don't share my real feelings, and stuff with people outside this forum. I'm really good at keeping things hidden.

I know I'm not as strong as you, but I so admire you, and Jim's strength going back, and fourth to the vet for Mew. I have learned alot from you, thank you.

I'm so happy your will be getting the kitten, please let kitty know she has a cyber auntie, lol.

Oh just another wierdo thing, Bue liked to lay on a small red rug in the bathroom while I handled my business, lol. I would rub his belly, and he would fall over onto the rug, and he is the only one who would lay on this rug. Almost immediately after he died my female Zena started laying on said rug.
This is a pic of her

Talk to you soon

Hi Joanne,
I wanted to stop by to see how you've been doing these days. I had been having a hard time coming to to this website for a while- actually going on the internet at all, recently. I have been drawn back by some unknown force and it's probably exactly what I need so it's for the best. I guess I just needed a breather. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you. I know you are going through a whirlwind. I am so sorry to hear that Mew is having such a tough time. My heart goes out to you. You are such a strong woman but I know that it takes its toll. My heart goes out to you. Those kitties are so lucky to have such a strong, amazing mommy.

Joanne, my heart goes out to you, how difficult this is for you. I hope Rassy cat
will somehow bring you the strength you need, the serenity...I am not religious but I found a lot of comfort in the words of the lord's prayer: thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Take care and may all turn out best for you and yours. Please know that I feel so much for you, I admire your courage very much.

Hi Joanne,
I am so sorry to hear about Mew now. You have so many changes going on in your life. Some of them sound good- Mario and hopefully, the move will be good ultimately. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Stephanie

Dear Joanne

I feel so very awful for you. You have been dealing with so much and far too many losses. I do not know how you have coped but I admire you tremendously. I hope you and your loved ones can find some peace soon. Neither am I prepared to "celebrate" Christmas this year. If you are dealing with a move on top of this all, I can understand how stressed you must be. You have endured far to much for too long. Please take care and know that your devoted heart was the best gift you could give.

annie's mommy

Dear Joanne,

we have a male kitty who is FOREVER constipated. We finally discovered after many trips to the vet, and trials of numerous foods, to fill a syringe full of baby prunes and feed it to him daily. It seems to do the trick better than anything else (most of the time). I know that your kitty is dealing with numerous problems that are either causing or making the constipation worse, but if you are seeking something additional to alleviate the constipation, it may be worth a try. Prior to our use of the baby prunes, our vet had suggested both pumpkin and Laxatone neither of which worked for him. (Although Laxatone does work for our other male cat whose constipation problem is not as severe.)

Since my little Annie has gone, I am struggling with anxiety myself. I am a mess. But my other kitties seem to be alright for now and for that I am glad. I do feel for your and your lovely little guys.

I hope you have a better day today,
annie's mommy

Joanne,

you asked about the prunes, whether or not I needed to mash them... they come (in a plastic container with pull off lid) pretty well mashed up, quite liquified, and go and squirt out of the syringe easily. If you choose to try them, I hope they work well.

annie's mommy

Hi Joanne,
I'm so happy to hear that Tootsie is ok. I am in the same boat with the upcoming holidays. I'd like to take this year off from them. I know it's bad to wish away your life but I just want to stop the world and get off for a little bit. I work pretty long hours at my job which can be a blessing because it helps me forget problems but it can be a curse when I want to reflect on my memories of Duffy-actually, when I want to "own" my own thoughts. In any case, I do understand becoming overwhelmed with grief- it's like someone punches you in the stomach and all you want to do is lie there on the floor. I admire your strength but I hope that it gets better for you. When do you plan on moving?

Oh Joanne,
Please don't riddle yourself with guilt. You so don't deserve that after all that you have been through and are going through. Rassy had a full life- hey, he probably saw places in this country that a lot of people haven't. And every time you moved, he was always surrounded by love. I'm sure if he ever looked back on his life, he would feel that he loved every bit of it. That monster vet was NOT your fault. You were just as much a victim. Someone in one of the other posts mentioned that when it is time, it doesn't matter what cir%%stances. If Rassy had had a good vet, but it was his time, it could have happened another way. There is a sequence that happens whether we want it to, or not, and we have no control over it. Stop beating yourself up. You are such a loving and strong individual who did more than the best for your baby. You are hurting so much now- take care of that. Don't victimize yourself a second time.

I have no idea when it stops hurting. I'm still trying to figure that one out. But there are certain things in life that bring a smile to your face. Sometimes when I think of the funny things that Duffy did, I laugh out loud. They used to make me bawl but I'm finally at the point that I can smile, if only for a short time.
Take care and many hugs to you and your family. You are all in my thoughts.

Dear Joanne,

I want to send again my complete admiration for you going through this move at this terribly sad and stressful time. I know it must be just awful trying to cope with it now. Try hard to protect yourself from all the stress. Two specific things you mentioned in your recent post have prompted this reply: you said "the clothes you wore to vet that night are still hanging on the banister" (I understand this well!); and the other statement: "they say the eyes are the window to the soul"...
this is true. I have been "willing" my Annie to come to me at night and for two nights in a row now, I have been receiving detailed visions of faces, with quite specific eyes, lighted so that I can make out those of various and numerous animals. At first the faces were those of many different dogs, each one quite different than the other. I recognized specific breeds, one a pug, a collie, and various combinations each with clear eyes glowing in the dark. And then, dimmer, amongst the many, my Annie's eyes came through. She was a small black cat with a very delicate fragile face (in fact my vet described her, on that dreadful night we found out she had cancer, as having "such a pet*ite face and a pear-shaped tummy"... the tummy sadly even bigger due to the cancerous fluid found). The longer I "watched", the clearer her face came through. The second night this happened, again starting with various eyes and faces of dogs, the first one being a german shepard, I am sure of. I have no german shepard dog that was ever in my family, but I believe these many dogs, especially the larger ones, came through first to get my attention. And perhaps my Annie is "safe" among them, that the bigger, stronger animals are protecting the smaller ones. Visions of many other faces both dogs and cats shown through. Annie's eyes were the identifying feature! I KNEW I was seeing her because of the eyes! You know how even though many dogs and cats have very much the same eyes in size and color, yet you see in your loved one, something special? Well I of course I saw that "special" something in my Annie's. It has to be the soul.

Due to the way it is happening and how I feel when it does, I am believing it more and more. I know that we are not the first to believe that the eyes are the window to the soul. I hope that we all can feel better soon.

Annie's mommy

Hi Joanne,
I just read Annie's Mommy's post and that was a pretty interesting post. I loved it. It's ironic that she mentioned the eyes being the windows of the souls. Today I went to Petsmart to torture myself and visit with the animals. I am not ready to get another dog and my husband and I have severe allergies to cats. We were originally thinking about saying to hell with the allergies and getting a cat and working with an allergist. The problem raised by my husband is that since we plan on having children in the near future, our children stand a chance of being allergic and while it is ok for adults to pop a claritin and get allergy shots, we couldn't think of doing that to a newborn. So we have to see what allergies our children have before we get a cat. I can't put myself in a position to have to choose between my furbaby and my human baby. To get back to my story, we came upon the cats for adoption today. My eyes locked with this sweet little girl kitty and we both fell in love. I can't tell you how expressive those sweet eyes were and how much I could tell from them about her personality. It broke my heart to leave and I am still begging my husband to go back and take her home-he is at least being logical about it but I am all emotion. Those eyes will haunt me forever. In any case, I just found that Annie's mommy is so right about the eyes.

I also found LoveThem's post pretty interesting. The calendars are such a cute idea.

Take care and hugs to your family.