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asia0508
I just re-read this, and it's LONG in case you don't have a lot of time.

I'm new here - sort of. I've been lurking in the shadows, reading everyone's posts and crying my eyes out over each new horrible/sad/wonderful story I hear. I'm not sure where to start, it's like my last 2 1/2 months have been a roller coaster of emotions, fear, anger, hope and more fear. Next is the long part.

On Feb 1 we took my 5 year old Rottie (Asia) and 1 year old Cane/Pitt (Moose) to the vet for a routine check up. They were so well behaved! (The treats in my pocket may have helped...)

During Asia's exam my vet ran his hands over her body, pressing here and there. Suddenly he got a tense look on his face and told me that Asia's lymph nodes were "enlarged". I said "I'm guessing if they were supposed to be then you wouldn't be mentioning it". He told me that if they were big on one side of her body, maybe she has an infection, but ALL of them were big. He told me he was going to do an aspirate of a lymph node and explained that the worst case was lymphoma. He's not a very good liar, and we could tell he thought Asia had it. She does. We found out the next Monday, and I spent the rest of the week ignoring my job and doing online research. What is it, how do you get it, what can you do about it? It's all I thought about. I've never cried so much in my life as I have since Feb 5th.

I now know more about lymphoma than I ever wanted to, and there is no good long term news, ever. (Not even in people). I'm sure there are those here who have been here and know this, and know it sucks.

Asia is the first dog I've raised on my own. We got her at 8 weeks and she has been the light of my life. She is really my baby, and this whole thing feels like it's killing me right along with her.

There is a tiny light in the middle of this story though. Last Thursday we started Asia on a medicine called Lomustine, that is part of a chemotherapy protocol. When the steroids stopped working, our Dr. thought that this might be the only choice for us. Standard chemo protocols are as expensive for dogs as people, and we didn't get insurance for the "kids" in time for this diagnosis. So in the last week, this new (new for dogs anyway) drug has really turned her around. She is playful again, I can no longer see her lymph nodes sticking out of her body, and her appet*ite is voracious. If we are lucky, we'll be in the 20% group that gets 3 months (average) of remission before the cancer starts to take over again. And there is my problem.

I know that I am supposed to "look on the bright side" and "hope for the best" and I can't. I'm SO happy to see HER happy again (and able to breathe more comfortably) and enjoy life but I can't seem to let go of the fact that she will die. I know, everyone dies, circle of life and all that, but why HER? She is so young and so loving (except for the mailman) and it's not fair and I hate it. So here I am, unable to explain how I feel (be it wrong or right) to the people in my life because I'm tired of hearing "why don't you get another dog?" or seeing the looks that say "I'm sorry your sad because we're friends, so I won't tell you she's just a dog".

I initially signed up here in the hopes that I could meet people who have been where I am, and maybe give me a clinical version of the "stages of grief" or something, and tell me why I'm such a mess even though she's doing better, and tell me what to expect. I'm not really good at winging it. I'm not even just worried about my reactions, but Moose's. We rescued him when he was 4-5 months old, he had been on the streets of Trenton for an undetermined period of time. He had horrible infections in his ears and a "pee in the house" problem. He's stopped peeing, we fixed up his ears, but we are still working on some of his other behavioral problems. He is terrified of men and loud noises and shows you this by biting. Not hard, but you get the point. Asia has really done most of the work in rehabing Moose. He looks at her like a big sister. Whatever she does, he wants to do and then loses his fear of it. He was so proud to be able to get on the lift table at the vet after he saw Asia up there.! So I'm as worried about him (more) than me because what will he do without her? Will his previous bad habits and fears come back? Will the aggression come with it? V-Angel's story really touched me because I am in a simaler (if less drastic) situation as she with Penny and Copper.

So to re-iterate the question I posed in a long winded and round about way...what do I do? How do you look at someone you love so much in so much pain? I feel really lost...and I didn't even know it until I wrote this...
toonie
Dear Asia's mom (or dad),
I offer you encouragement and this little bit of advice: take everything one day at a time. I am sure that every instinct in your body is screaming DO SOMETHING and you are already doing a very good thing by giving her these drugs. Other than the excellent care that you are giving, please just try to live each day for what pleasures you can all find,you, Asia and Moose. Tomorrow is unknown, when you think about it none of us knows for sure if all of earth will still be here tomorrow though the odds are on our side. There is always an exception to the rule, always. Let's hope that no matter what they say the odds are, that Asia will turn out the be the rare success story that could be. I will be praying that your Asia will be saved. Live for today, take her outside with Moose and enjoy that sunshine it is healing. Where there is life, there is hope. Hang on to that tought, when you pet Asia, think positive healing thoughts as you run your hand on her body. It can and has happened that someone doctors had condemned was cured. I know one has to be realistic but not to the point that you stop believing in miracles-unrealistic or not, I like to think that Asia will recover. Keep us informed,
I'm hoping that we will all pray with you. Hard as it may seem, we have to be positive ourselves. Bless you, ,Asia, and Moose.
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hi,
Welcome, and I'm so sorry about the ordeal you and your family are experiencing. You can come here to "talk" anytime! It's certainly hard to talk to people who don't understand that our pets are our kids (the 'get another pet' line infuriates me). Also, I think there's a chat room here too that maybe people could arrange to meet on.

My prayers go out to you. It's true that none of us know about tomorrow... we're not entirely in control. Anything could happen, and that's scary. sad.gif

I am glad it was diagnosed when it was---so that the treatment began when it did. smile.gif You are doing all the right things for your babies.

Keep us posted. I'm glad you found this site. There are some really compassionate people here who will help you along your journey.

Love,
Kathy
vizsla-angel
Hi Asia's Mom!
I'm so glad to see you finally posted!
One thing that Moose has in his favor is that he was young when you rescued him. Penny came to me when she was 5 years old. She spent 4 1/2 years with those terrible "owners". If you haven't seen a certified behaviorist (NOT trainer), you might want to check into that. Fear biting by itself usually isn't too hard to take care of if you know what you're doing.

As far as what else to do, Toonie's got the right idea, live for today. Asia & Moose don't know anything about lymphoma. They just want to be dogs doing what dogs do.

Take good care of yourself.
Peace&Love
V
kimm
Hi & welcome!!!!!!

It is so hard, what you are going through. I also had a pet diagnosed with lymphoma & we also tried chemo but due to many factors, Peaches didn't have the results we had hoped for. I pray for a better outcome for your baby Asia. But please be prepared for a long & often difficult journey. In my experience, I wished it had gone better for Peaches but in the end I knew that I had done all I could for her, and I knew when it was time to let go.

Please keep us updated on Asia. I pray for the best outcome for her & best wishes for you.
asia0508
You guys are super sweet, wub.gif I really appreciate your support (even though I know I'm reacting so much while it's early), and I'm sorry I haven't replied since my initial post. My house has been a crazy place to be lately, and I feel like my head is spinning. blink.gif
Last week Asia started to lose the remission that we were so excited about. Her lymph nodes are back up (does anyone else feel like their on a roller coaster??), her lethargy is back, and her next dose of the Lomustine (which had helped SO much for such a short time!!) isn't due until Thursday. I can't give it to her until after her bloodwork comes back from her Wed morning appointment, so that we can monitor her counts very closely.
So, in addition to that Moose is getting sick in the mornings. It's the strangest thing! Once again, I was alerted by his heaving sounds on my carpet at 7 am. I'm going to start leaving him in his house (crate) at nights, in case there is a perfume or something in my room that makes him sick (first thing in the morning only??). And I see a trip to the vet in his near future. (I'm psychic!) wink.gif
Does it seem weird to anyone else that I've been putting off Moose's vet appointment?? I just realized that about myself. I'm a acting like a dummy. He needs medical care and I'm afraid of what it may be so I put it off. *sigh* I think my babies are going to get a little extra attention tonight to try to help make up for me being so selfish and BLIND!

Okay, after a few minutes the secretary recommended chicken and rice to see if that helps. We shall see.

So anyway, I will keep posting, who knows, maybe this will help someone else with a cancer puppy...

Love,
D
kimm
Dear D,

I know!!!! What's up with the "morning sickness" anyway? I never understood this. Peaches had it too, your dog & my cat on completely different protocols both had this happen....my hubby stated the obvious when I told him since the cancer started Peaches always feels crappy in the morning... he replied she's a CAT, how does she know it's morning? She sleeps all the time!!!! Point taken, mister!!!

Anyway, I looked up Lomustine on the internet (which I imagine you have done as well). I didn't see anything stating that you should expect the drug to cause the nausea & lethargy Asia has been experiencing (which was my first thought). BUT, I think every case is different. In my experience with Peaches, she had times when everything made her nauseous (including the Vincristine which was a huge part of her chemo protocol and in my doc's experience the adverse effects Peaches experienced were highly unusual). But there was no denying the fact that she was sick from something. Even the anti-nausea meds made her nauseous!!!! Her weight dropped so much. I tried everything but when she felt like that I couldn't get her to eat no matter what I did. On the doctor's advice, I ended up giving her subcutaneous fluid injections at home to keep her hydrated & that really did help her appet*ite for awhile. Believe me, this was no picnic for either me or Peaches but the outcome was good for the most part so I did it, with a smile plastered on my face so she wouldn't feel so scared. Honestly, the things we do for them in the name of love......sometimes difficult, but so, so worth it!!!!!

I found that, during this process, I can honestly say that for the most part she had a good quality of life for the 5 months she was on chemo (THAT is the #1 thing I had to consider). My heart is broken because she didn't hang on as long as some of the "statisical" cats did. I feel ripped off beacuse I lost her & didn't really think I would. But in my heart I know it's not my doctor's fault, nor mine. We did everything we could.

Sorry if this was sort of long-winded!!!! Reading your post made me want to vent a bit (it felt kinda good..., thanks)


D, I am thinking of you and Asia. Please keep in touch.

Kim
asia0508
Hi Kim, thanks.
I actually just heard from the doctor a few minutes ago. Her liver enzymes are way up, and only one (enzyme) is attributed to the prednizone she's on. The other makes him worry so before I can give her the next dose of the Lomustine, he's going to try to get a round table disscussion with some oncologists. We're adding a few meds to the mix, SAM-E to help soothe her liver, and Amoxacillan for her poorly depleted immune system. Her white count is high for some reason, which is totally weird when you take an immunosuppressant medication. It should be very low.
What's been weird to me, though it may be the Pred, is that her appet*ite is so voracious, she'll eat ANYTHING. She's become sneaky and food aggressive in her hunt for more grub. It's never enough. The lethargy (so says my vet) may also be attributed to the pred, apparently steroids can make you feel really crappy.
As for the "morning sickness" what's so strange (and I'm sorry if I didn't make this clear, I've been unable to communicate well lately) is that it's MOOSE getting sick. It happened again VERY early this morning, so I let him outside in case he was going to hurl again, then let him spend the rest of the night in his house (crate). He never goes to the bathroom or gets sick in there, maybe it's psychological due to Asia (his mother figure) being so out of whack.
Either way, now I have to tell my hubby that things are getting weird again, and I think I'm going to switch both puppies to chicken and rice dinners and cross my fingers.
I really appreciate you keeping us in your thoughts, I hope you have a wonderful day!
Diana
kimm
Hi Diana,

Oh I am sorry, I just reread your post & saw that it was Moose with the morning sickness! I apologize! He's so young, I can't believe this is due to anything serious....I'm sure it's because he senses something is going on with Asia & he's upset about it. My dog Zusha was like that when Peaches was sick, she whined a lot, became very protective of her & even seemed to make a conscious effort not to antagonize her (!)

Peaches had some strange blood-related episodes during chemo also. With the protocol she was on, my oncologist also expected her white blood cell count to fall some (it was elevated before she started the chemo). During the last month or so of her life though, it was her RED cell count that dropped significantly. We got it under control but it was an early indication that something else was going on with her.

Peaches was also on Pred, & it IS supposed to increase their appet*ite & thirst (even though it didn't happen with her), so it makes sense to me that Asia is eating you out of house & home right now. I think this is a good thing, since keeping their weight up helps them to tolerate some of the meds better. I noticed with Peaches that by the time we cut down to every other day for the Pred that she felt really good on those days, but was really lethargic the next. I thought maybe it was sort of like withdrawal symptoms......but this was only temporary, & after a while she came around & started feeling better on the non-Pred days too.

It really IS a roller-coaster ride, as you said. There are many good days & you will be SO, so grateful looking back on those. But some days are hard too. Up until the very end, no matter how sick I thought she was, Peaches kept bouncing back. That's why it was such a shock to me when I lost her because I thought she was my invincible "supercat".

Your babies know how much you love them. Tell them & show them over & over.......that is as important, probably more, as what your doctors are able to do for them.

Please continue to let us know how you all are doing. Take care, Diana......you & your furbabies are in my thoughts & prayers.

Kim
asia0508
Thanks Kim, I really appreciate getting to hear about what Peaches went through, because Asia's numbers are all over the place now. Her white count is still high (but she shouldn't be able to even create white cells on her meds) and the doc took her off the Pred to try to get her liver enzymes at a normal rate. They are all really high.
blink.gif
I really have no idea what's going on, except that she's now off the Pred, she doesn't want her food, I'm not sure why I'm giving her antibiotics when her immune system isn't being suppressed anymore, and I wish that tomorrow when I wake up she looks at me and doesn't have cancer. Is that too much to ask?
Diana
PS - V-angel, you weren't kidding when you said this forum is theraputic, it's like having a diary that cares about you and has good advice! I am so glad you pushed me to flap my yap about my little baby Asia.
kimm
Thanks so much for sharing that adorable picture with us!!! Obviously Asia & Moose are compet*itive soulmates!!!!

I really wish I could tell you why Asia's numbers are outside the norm right now. I know that when my doctor told me this was happening with Peaches, we made some adjustments to her protocol & to the meds I was giving her at home. We had good results with these adjustments for awhile. But since the beginning when we realized she was sick, the big problem was that it was almost always a chore to convince her to eat, which was heartbreaking. She was always a tubba-bubba, and prior to THIS vet visit I got reprimanded for letting her get so fat!!!

Your big challenge now is getting some food & fluids into Asia's tummy. If her regular food doesn't appeal to her anymore, try something else (sadly we have to be extra careful about new pet foods now......if you know what she likes, cook for her!!! I wouldn't bake her a cake, but maybe some chicken & rice would appeal to her?) Whatever it takes........

Thanks again for the photo of your babies! I am thinking of Asia, Moose & of course of you. Take care,

Kim
boogi3
I understand how you feel. I'm going through the same thing right now with my cat - Babe. Her cancer came back with a vengeance. I'm not sure if it will be her lungs that will kill her or the tumor that is getting huge underneath her arm. It's hard to deal with - knowing she is on the final countdown. I love her so much. Hang in there and just love Asia every minute you have with her.
kimm
Boogi3,

Oh, no.....my heart goes out to you. It so incredibly painful to go through this, I know. The process of trying to make them feel better after the cancer is first diagnosed is one major uphill journey......but when it hits you that your efforts aren't working so well anymore, that feels like a kick in the stomach. Babe looks so peaceful in your photo.......I'm sure she knows how much she is loved.

My best thoughts to you.

Asia's Mom, hoping things are well with you, and Asia & Moose. Let us know how you're doing when you feel like it. We're here for you!

Love,

Kim
asia0508
Hi Boogi,
I'm sorry about your cat, I wish you DIDN'T know what I was going through, though I appreciate your support and hope you know I'm thinking about you and Babe.

General update:
Things just seem to get worse and worse at my house...and I need to find out why! I have an appointment for Moose to get xrays tonight, despite changing his diet, eliminating treats he is still vomiting like crazy. Sometimes it's food (hours after he eats which makes me think it's not the food itself) and sometimes it's just a viscus foam. It's every day though and he's losing weight. (3 lbs already). My doctor thought that it was due to an inner ear infection he has, apparently he is highly succeptible as he had infections in both ears when we got him. Doc thinks that he is disoriented and in pain and at night when there are no distractions, he gets sick because he notices the problems more. Since he stayed so bad after starting the antibiotics and we're cleaning his ears every day, Doc thinks that perhaps he has a GI problem and we're going to xray to figure out what it is. I hope. Maybe he ate something? I hate to think that the neighborhood kids would put anything in our yard that would make him sick...but I guess you never know. He barks at all the people who go by, thanks to Asia for teaching him that little gem. My work is suffering, my finances are suffering, and my babies are suffering, and I'm so MAD that I don't know how to fix it all! I hope that Moose isn't getting sick as a psychological response to Asia's illness, because that's not something I can cure. sad.gif
On an up note, Asia is having another good week. We put her back on the Lomustine and I'm very pleased with the results. This might be one medicine that helps her ENJOY the life she has left! wub.gif

To everyone here who has been so supportive and wonderful to me, I wanted to take some time and thank you. Though I'm not here expecting all of your kind words and thoughts, it's nice to know that I'm not alone. A good friend of mine is having her own baby troubles (with her cat Baby in fact) as well as her chinchilla who just recently broke his back somehow (IN his cage!). Because of how kind you all are, I had to tell her to come here, and let it out. I hope she does, I know she's been having a rough time, and it's so wonderful to come here and just let out all your worries and fears without fear of being laughed at (or worse, that weird look that says "are you serious??"). So again, THANK YOU for being the wonderful people you are!
kimm
Hi Diana,

I can't tell you how glad I am that Asia is responding so well to the treatments. I wanted so much to hear that.

Stay strong for Moose, you will find out more about his situation hopefully soon after today's xrays. I'm praying for a good outcome for him. Asia needs you too.......so do all your loved ones.

As you said earlier, you are absolutely right, you are not alone. Let us know how everything goes.

Take care,

Kim
kimm
Hi Diana.

Just checking in, & hoping all is well with all of you. Give us an update on Asia & Moose when you feel like you can. Take care.

Love,

Kim
asia0508
I know I haven't posted in a while, we've been so busy with work and obediance classes, Asia and everything.

I just wanted to post an update and say that Asia is still holding her own. She is still responding well to the Lomustine (knock wood) and I'm pleased with the overall effect.

If there is anyone else out there who has heard that their dog (or cat) has lymphoma, they should ask about Lomustine to their vet. It's not used much on animals yet, so vets may still be recommending aggressive, expensive chemo protocols without knowing the potential of this drug. To tout it just a little more, Asia is ONLY on Prednizone, Sucrulfate (to keep her stomach from being upset from the Pred), Zentonil (to help support her liver and prevent the Lomustine from destrying it) and of course, every three weeks she gets the Lomustine. If this protocol gives us even two more months of this partial remission it's worth all the press it can get.

To update about Moose, it turns out that he was HUNGRY. You could have knocked me over with a feather! On 4 cups of food per day (more than the recommended amount on the bag) he was STARVING. The docs theory was that the vomiting was due to hunger nausia, and the reason it was in the wee hours of the morning is because it's the farthest time from his last meal. So, we got a more nutritious dog food, we give him more than recommended and we are feeding him part of his daily amount right before bed to get him through the night. I'm also watching Asia like a hawk, because if he turns from his food, I've been watching her creep up on him and filtch it. I'm also trying this gross molasses like substance that's a calorie supplement. Moose loves it, so he gets a tablespoon per day as a treat. SO! I think that at least for this moment, we are on top of all the issues in our house relating to the pups.

We are kind of holding our breath with Asia, hoping we can kind of freeze time. I'm becomming more and more hopeful with each day and trying to push the harsher reality out of my head. Watching her HAPPY makes it so much easier to take the advice of everyone here and live day by day, enjoying her compnay while we have it. See? I'm not even crying while typing today! (But my throat hurts a little...)

So , after another long soliloquy I can close on an UP note. Thanks again for your prayers, it's people like you (the members of this forum) that make me want to pass on a good deed or word to the next person. If only there were more people like the members here everywhere.
D
kimm
Dear D,

I am so glad to hear things have settled down some for you and Asia & Moose! I love stories that close on an UP note!!! biggrin.gif

I am also glad that you mentioned the good results Asia is having with the Lomustine. I hadn't heard of it when we started Peaches' chemo. By the end of her treatment I felt (& so did her doc) that some of the drugs Peaches was on were making her nauseous, and when she was so sick she couldn't eat, well, I personally think this was why she couldn't fight the cancer & why it spread to her kidneys. She was too weak & frail to fight it. I know that molasses-stuff you're talking about, I tried it with Peaches too. She took it but hated it (Zusha liked it, although she wasn't the one who needed it!!!!) I'm so glad your babies are eating.....how about Moose, that silly one, scaring you out of your wits.....he was just a hungry little bugger!!!! There's a relatively easy solution for that!

I know what you mean about hoping to freeze time. Every moment with them is so precious. Spoil those furkids, & enjoy every moment of it!!!! wub.gif

You are in my thoughts and prayers, always. As you said, this site is full of good people. I don't post quite as often anymore but I am always thinking of you & all the awesome people here, you will always be in my heart.

Love,

Kim
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