My Buster left us Saturday, January 13, 2007. He was born May 17, 2007. He was the most beautiful Golden Collie mix.....sweet soul, beautiful and happy disposition. Always happy. Tail constantly wagging as he sauntered (Buster never walked anywhere, he sauntered).

Last summer, our vet told me he had a grade 3 - 4 heart murmur, and was getting chronic ear/sinus infections. My poor friend was beginning to suffer from old age. He began to follow me around everywhere; even more than before. I even stopped shutting the bathroom door, as he would nose it open and "keep me company" anyway. He would even lay in front of the shower stall til I was done, only moving when he heard me say, "Excuse me, please, Bus".

He was my friend. I have a wonderful husband, and two adoring children who loved him as a "brother". An "older" brother as we referred to him, Mumma's firstborn. He protected those kids, even when horseplaying with their dad. He was always barking and joining in. I guess his exuberance and excitability didn't do any favours for his heart, either.

His face, his wise, beautiful face that would look at me, and I felt instantly better. He knew me like no other. And I have never loved another animal as much as I love him. He was never cross or mean. Only play growled, never complained.

On Saturday, I brought him for his grooming. They had never given me any indication that it was distressful to him. Only the last time, when she told me he nipped at her when she brushed his "pants". I made his appointment for January 13th last week. His nails were too long, and they neglected to cut them on the last visit because of his apparent sensitivity. No bother, I thought, "they'll cut them this time." I dropped him off. It was raining, and as I looked in my rear-view mirror, I noticed they put him outside. Alone. I had never seen that before, and instantly disliked my friend in that cir%%stance. I drove off, knowing he wouldn't be out there long. That was at 9:45 a.m.

I ran my errands and arrived home. At 11:50 a.m. the phone rang. I noticed from the call display it was the groomers. I said to my husband, "Oh, he can't be done yet! It usually takes all day to dry his woolly mammoth coat (thinking suddenly "something's wrong")". "Kim?" she said "Yes". "Kim, you need to come down here, something's happened with Buster." I felt my knees turn to jelly, "Is he alright?" I asked, obviously scared. "No. We think he's had a heart attack." "IS HE DEAD?" "Yes, Kim, he's gone." My legs went out from under me and I hit the floor. MY BUSTER. GONE. She asked to speak to my husband as I sobbed on my hands and knees. My children were hysterical, no doubt in part to seeing their mother in such a state. We went to collect him, and all I could think about was that I wasn't there for him; he was alone when he died, I didn't hold him.....She said she bathed him and put him in the dryer cage. He was fine. he laid down and she left the room for an instant. When she came back, he was dead. That's another reason the vet thinks it was a heart attack. It was quick.

I think I'm still in shock, not to mention the rest of my family. Our beloved companion, who made every room in this house his own....no matter where we look, his presence is missed. I can't stand to look outside because I keep looking for him, to see if he's waiting to be let in. I put the kids to bed, and look for him as I reach the bottom of the stairs. That's where he waited for me, the happy "thump, thump, thump" of his tail on the floor. He was my shadow. And I am so incomplete without him. His happy face and wagging tail when we came home. He was ALWAYS there, always so happy, and I am falling apart.

Why didn't I keep him home that day? He may still be here. My husband says it was his time. There is nothing I could've done. And, would it have been better to witness his death firsthand? Or the kids? My God, I remember when my childhood dog, Mitzi died. I'll never forget finding her....and that was 25 years ago. That final image of her has never left me. I guess I would much rather my children remember him as the bounding ball of fur that he was.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Find my way in this misery. I am miserable. I am so lost, and hurt and heartbroken. I've been crying since Saturday. Is he alright? I prayed that he would give me a sign. I prayed that he found my mother in heaven and is with her right now. She will take care of him for me.

I have been reading many posts today, poems and stories. I am finding comfort in the words of others. Here, we understand each other's pain. Even my husband, who tries so hard, cannot fathom how I truly feel. He was more than a pet.

I know this process takes time. God knows I've been through it countless times with family members. This time, this death of Buster, it's right up there with when I lost my mother. I feel almost crippled by my grief, as I did with her passing. Different, and yet in some ways, the same.

I guess I came here for a hug. For someone to tell me I'm not losing my mind. He made me so happy. I miss him so much. I suppose these feelings will boil over again when I pick up his ashes in a week or two. I still haven't moved his food bowls, which I probably should do tomorrow. They're the first things you see when you walk into the house. My 4 year old son asked today "Is Buster home yet?" Poor little guy! He doesn't understand. His question made my 7 year old daughter burst into tears. We've discussed what happened, and they came with my husband and I to pick Buster up and say their good-byes. I thought that was important, for they love him too.

Thanks for listening.

Kim

Hello Kim,
I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful furfriend, Buster. I know there's not a whole lot I can say right now to ease this terrible emptiness and pain you and your family are feeling. You are definitely not losing your mind. Everyone here knows how devasting a loss like this is. The shock of Buster's passing being so unexpected must be so horrible for you and I am so deeply sorry. I lost my beloved furbaby T.C. just 10 weeks ago, he shared my life for 23 years. Even though it wasn't unexpected I had so many of the feelings you are having and the feeling of loss still lingers. I know what you mean that they are more than just an animal or pet-they are family. Please take care the best that you can, I will keep you and Buster in my prayers tonight-sending you a hug, Kathi

Kim,you are definately NOT losing your mind! I'm sending you a hug thur cyperspace even though I know you can't feel it.I understand what your going thur.It hurts so much right now because it was so sudden and it happened so fast.You didn't have time to prepare yourself for it.You are in shock and everything that your feeling is completely natural.You lost your oldest son and that is a very difficult thing to go thur.I know the hurt you feel right now.We lost our boy Sox back on Oct. 13th.He was a black and white manx kitty who was 16 years old.He had to be put to sleep because he had kidney failure.Whatever way it happens it's never easy to lose them.We had to make the decision to put him down and it was so hard.It was your baby's time,just like your husband said.He had a great family who loved him and cared for him until the day he died.He knew that you loved him and he took that love with him.He is safe and warm,no more suffering, and he'll wait for you at the rainbow bridge (that's a place where all our beloved animals go after they pass to wait for us).I know I can't say anything that will comfort you right now but I hope by knowing that you are not alone and that there are many of us out here who are going thur the same hurt as you and your family are.We know that pain and I would like to say it gets easier to deal with but it really never does.You just get used to a new reality.Take comfort in knowing that your boy didn't have to suffer a long illness or an accident and that his passing was swift.I know that doesn't make it any easier to bear but it is something to think about.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope we will be able to help you thur this most difficult time in your life.We know your pain and we really do understand what your going thur.I am so very sorry for your loss.Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.It will get easier, I promise you.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Kim,
I am so sorry for loss. I lost my vizsla angel Copper to cancer 2 weeks before Buster's passing and I understand. It sounds like Buster and Copper had a lot in common (other than all the fur) and I still expect to see him in certain places too.

You're not losing your mind. You're grieving. I was "lucky" enough for Copper to pass away on New Year's Eve morning and spent pretty much of the next three days in bed crying. I'm still a mess, although now it's admittly getting to be a bit much.

I think you did the right thing for your kids. My kids are older, 14 and 16, and they also needed to say good-bye to Copper. Just like went a person dies, there is a funeral and everyone says their goodbyes at the wake. It's all part of the process.

Take care of yourself.
Love,
V

Dear Kim,

I was so sorry to read your story, and I understand how you feel, only too well. Five weeks ago, I lost my keeshond, Caesar, after 16 years. He was the first dog I ever had, and my husband and I are missing him desparately. I still cry every day. What you are feeling, you are definitely not alone. Buster is an absolutely gorgeous dog. I understand so well how you feel, losing such a special boy. They take so much of us with them, when they go, don't they. I know that nothing can take away the pain, no amount of words you read will lessen the tears, but just know that what you are feeling, it's out of love. Love is forever. A simple phrase, but so true in its simplicity. I have read so many words, at this site and others. I have drenched myself in tears beyond what I ever thought was imaginable. Buster loves you. Our beloved pets love us every bit as much as we love them. Thanks for coming here and sharing your story with us. Take care, and many blessings. You are not alone... keep coming here. It does help.

Caesar! I love you! I miss you!!

*hugs*, Amarna

Kim,
I'm so sorry for your shocking and sad loss of Buster. The first few days can make you feel like you're losing your mind, and that's normal. The shock and grief and anguish feel like your whole life has turned over on it's head. I always felt that when I lost a kitty the world somehow shifted on it's axis and I completely lost my orientation to life and what it was or would be in the future. When you've shared your life with another being for so long, for him to be suddenly gone is an inconceivable anguish unless you've been through it before.

I've learned to gain a measure of comfort by sharing my feelings here and reaching out to others who I sense are hurting as much or more than I am, not that pain is a quant*itative thing. But the more you understand, the more you meet people who are in a similar situation, and hear their stories, the more it has the potential to help you through this time. But of course, the pain will never go away completely, and in future months and even years, that pain will suddenly return and it will feel as fresh as if the trauma happened yesterday.

Do what you need to do to get through this time, assuming it's legal, of course. Cry as much as you need to, talk to your kids, (knowing that your reaction to this will color their future similar reactions), and just try to get through as best you can. Come here and share your feelings whenever you want; as I say, it's been the most helpful and healing part of my losses and even after all this time (over a year now) I still visit to touch base, and to validate my own feelings. Grief knows no timetables, and I fall apart regularly but I've made some wonderful friends here, and there is such a wealth of compassion, wisdom and caring here.

Again, my deepest condolences on your loss. Your life has changed, and it all has to be readjusted now. It sounds like Buster was a wonderful companion (I had a Buster, too, when I was younger - I know it's just a name, but they really are characters, aren't they?) and you and your family gave him the best life any dog could dream of. Unfortunately, so many dogs out there never experience anything near the kind of love and devotion which you and your family lavished on Buster. In my heart, I know that one day I will be reunited with my beloved lost ones, and while they aren't here physically, I feel that their spirits still hover. I have to believe that physical loss doesn't mean emotional loss, so when I look at that aspect of my losses, I know I carry those furbabies with me forever and that won't ever change.

Please come back and let us know how you're doing. It took me 3 days after my first posting to have the strength to come back here - somehow I guess I thought if I didn't come to the site, my kitty wasn't really gone. But she was, and I needed that outlet. So please, feel free and visit and let us know how you and your family are getting on. Please take care - Barbara

Oh Kim

Your Buster was so handsome! He does look wise. I'm so sorry you lost him. It's so hard to lose one that is so close to us. I'm sure your Mother was there to meet him as he passed and she is talking care of him.

We lost our kitty, Moustache almost 3 months ago, it was a shock, like yours. It takes a while just to get your head around it. You aren't crazy, unusual, or anything. Just in shock and griveing. For me the first 24 hours were so bad, then the first week. It does get better, but not fast.

Your husband is right, it was his time. If it wasn't his time, he wouldn't have gone. It wouldn't have mattered if you had kept him home, he would still have had the heart attack.

I lost my mom in 2005, and Moustache in late 2006. The pain is much the same, though for me it was somewhat harder to lose my Moustache. Hard to say but true.

>>>>>>>>>>>HUG<<<<<<<<<<
Thinking of you, your family and Buster
Lori

Kim,

I'm so sorry for the death of your beautiful boy. I know how much it must have hurt not tohave been there, to hear about it on the phone. I imagine the groomer feels absolutely sick to have had someone elses' beloved friend die while in her care.
My Mack died on Sept.2, of a terrible canine cancer I had never heard of. he died in my arms at home, just about a week after we had a confirmed diagnosis. He was 8 years old. Out of our little three dog crew, my friends refer to as the Thunder-Puppies, Mack was the heart. And my poor heart is still far from mended.
But, being able to share my sorrow with the others on this forum has been a tremendous balm to me. I'm sure you will find some comfort here too.
I'm also sure Buster is with your Mother, and someday you will all be reunited, and never parted again.


"BLESSED IS HE, WHO HAS EARNED THE LOVE OF AN OLD DOG"


You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Macks Mom, Dayna