Sorry this is long, but lots happened and I need to write now! Compared to all my previous losses, this Christmas was (and still is) the most sorrowful one yet, even though there were some small blessings.

The candlelighting ceremony was good, and bad. I began by playing that song, "Someone is Missing This Christmas", then read a poem called "Missing Him" that I've used for Sabin before, but substi*tuted "she" and "her" for Nissa. Then I used a 5-candle ceremony for such occasions that I've used for each loss since I found it. I'd pleaded with Nissa and Sabin to be there with me, 20 minutes before I was to start. I was also going to place 13 tealights outside on Sabin's grave before I began. But suddenly the wind started really gusting and I couldn't. Sabin loved the wind and I've often noticed that he seems to 'come in on' one...so I hoped this was a sign from him that he/they'd arrived. I did the whole ceremony (and yes, read everyone's names, years and locations from the list, lighting an additional candle for this), made an offering of a special food treat for Nissa...then had to prod my H into saying a few words to Nissa himself (he's not too swift or attentive at these things). Then I had him light my old angel-chimes (passed onto me from my Mum - also gone). After he'd done so, we played Josh Groban's "To Where You Are" and while it was playing, I suddenly noticed that the solar lantern out on our patio table was flickering on and off, sporadically. These lights usually don't get enough sun in the winter to ever light and though I've seen this flickering a few times, I hadn't noticed it doing that this night UNTIL then. We both stood and stared, both wondering if this was our kids playing with it as an indication of their presence with us. My H did check it later on that evening, just to see if it was still flickering, but it had stopped. Then, as soon as that last song was done, the angel-chimes started chiming, as if right on cue. They don't normally take that long to get spinning enough to chime, so I wondered....

I bawled my eyes out during this entire ceremony and while these 3 things may indeed have been signs of our kids, I can't be as certain as I would if they were more 'bold' signs, such as ones Sabin has sent me in the past, so could only take a small amount of comfort in them....just hoping...but also hoping there'd be more, maybe on Christmas Day.

I'd been incredibly depressed, angry, disgusted...you name it!...with our supposed friends. No calls. No Christmas cards, except from my oldest friend from back home, who'd also sent a small gift through my H. We'd spent almost the whole day before trying to make up a composite picture of Nissa and Sabin for our new frame ornament. Never got finished the second, recordable one, just for Nissa, so that still waits. I cleaned bathrooms and such in the morning, rather than face our stockings and presents. I'd written short letters to each of Nissa and Sabin, for their stockings and had my H read them when we finally sat down early afternoon to 'get on with things'. They were the only things that brought tears to his eyes, when I asked him to read them out loud (I just couldn't). I was feeling SO dejected, as I knew he'd asked a few people if they'd partake in writing a little something about Nissa to be included in my stocking for Christmas morning...and already had found out that no one had been willing. (can you beat THAT?!?!? BOY, I have crappy friends!!) HOWEVER, my stocking was the best I've ever received, it turned out, regardless of this lack! My H got me the book version of a pet loss course I'd bought (for cheap) online, but haven't yet begun. And a book I'd wanted on animal communications Sharon Callahan has done. And some relaxation music CD's - good cuz I don't know that I'll ever be able to now use the ones I'd also used for Nissa's dying day. And my friend's gift to me?.....4 charms for those Italian charm bracelets that she'd used 2 pics of my kids to make!! I was flabbergasted that she'd come through for me, and in such a loving and considerate way!! (now all I need is the actual bracelet to put them in) I bawled some more, but this time tears of grat*itude.

It wasn't until much later that we finally opened our gifts...and the main one from my H's parents almost made me fall right over. First, a short letter, written by my Mom-in-law, with 3 memories of Nissa and Sabin, from years ago. She's mentioned these before, so they're nothing new, but by gum...someone made the effort, and I'm SO grateful. It will go with my own Christmas letters to my kids, which I hope to do each year myself...the start of a new tradition, albeit a sad one. Then their present to me....I was floored! It's a throw, that's supposed to help me feel like I'm surrounded by my kids' spirits when I use it...a throw that has the composite pic from my avatar here woven right into it!! I have GIANT-sized versions of my kids to wrap myself in now!! I was SOOO very touched by this compassionate gift and couldn't stop crying, in relief, in thanks, at knowing that at least 2 more people (plus my H, who had to help arrange for it) actually thought of me in my sorrow...and did something this beautiful, this precious, in my kids' memories...for ME. I couldn't have asked for anything more....

...and yet (call me what you will), I DO. I'm still upset, ove a few things. One being the condition of our neighbour's cat who we visited yesterday (and brought catnip, some food treats, play and affection to...and turned up the heat in that house!) This cat, also a kidney-cat, is emaciated. I hadn't seen him since early summer this year. They're feeding him veterinary food that doesn't even need refridgeration once opened, so you can imagine the chemicals in there! I'm appalled. It's garbage. He doesn't seem to like it, and that's ALL he ever gets, day in, day out. There's no real nutrition in it, and he's being slowly starved to death. He was FAMISHED when we arrived in the afternoon, so I don't even know if his sitter even bothered getting there that morning. It's bad enough they went and left him all alone, AGAIN, for yet another Christmas, which looks like will be his last. I'll be checking on him again today, and tomorrow, before we leave for our little break. But it makes me SICK!

The other...I'm still feeling so dejected, dismayed, frightened and bewildered...that there's STILL been no indisputable sign from Nissa being around me, even on Christmas Day. Sure, one could argue that she had a sweet and dainty paw in my gifts...but I prefer not to TRY to stretch things just to comfort myself. I wanted, and even expected, something much more personal...and rock-solid. Even my H finally admitted that HE'D even been expecting, all this time, to have heard something, seen something, felt something MORE....like the sound of the 2 of them racing up and down our hallway, the way they used to do so long ago now...or something! And HE'S the one of such great trust...so I'm not alone in this desire and disappointment. I remember when Sabin sent me the most personal song on Boxing Day a few years ago...the one I'd always sung to him, the one I sang for the last time at his funeral, one you'd never expect to hear on the radio, much less on Boxing Day. But from Nissa.....nothing. Nothing like this, nothing like HER, nothing we'd shared together. The one gift I REALLY wanted, the only one I felt would 'save' me from this anguish, and last for the rest of my days....that one I haven't gotten, and I'm crushed. If OUR love wasn't big enough for that....I just don't understand. And so I remain, despite everything else that was good and loving, depressed and anxious, and now dreading the New Year even more than I already was. I got some support and compassion, but lost my hope all the same. And that's where I'm at today.

The throw and the charms sound wonderful. Would love to see a pic of them when you get time to post one.

I know how you feel about not being in touch with Nissa. Alley hasn't been with me at all and I keep waiting for some kind of little sign from her. Thank you for including her in your candle lighting ceremony. I plan to do one on new year's eve and will include your babies as well as all the other lost little souls on here.

Nissa will give you a sign, that is certain. It may be some time but she will communicate with you. Keep your heart open as well as your eyes and ears for the slightest little thing. (Cats are known to be SO subtle!!) Your bond is still strong and she will make contact. I hope it's before the New Year begins, that would be so perfect!
Have faith, it WILL happen!
Lisa