Has anyone else been subjected to this insensitivity, too? People are talking to you, one imagines they are trying to help you 'feel better', at least by providing some short distraction to your pain....but they INSIST on commenting and describing, in detail, how cute &/or what their own, still-living animals are doing....or regale you with tales of things they've done lately that were SO adorable, YOU would have loved it!? ....hence undoing any of the good they might have just done by distracting you, only bringing to the forefront all the reasons why you're feeling so sad and lonely in the first place!

This same friend who'd sent that painful email to me was doing this, and has many, many times already...and never takes the hint that I'm NOT always 'amused'. The last time, she was expounding on how one of the cats in their home (this one not hers) was the "sweetest cat EVER....no, you wouldn't believe how sweet she is....really!" In total exasperation, I replied, "NO......NISSA was the "sweetest cat EVER". She didn't hear me, so I had to repeat myself. I said it with a hint of sarcasm in my voice, hoping she'd get the message. She DID stop, so I think it was effective....but she sure didn't apologize for this blunder. And I still don't think she, or any other friends of mine, realize how painful it is to be constantly reminded of how I no longer have anyone to watch and swoon over, or share with THEM. This hurts doubly when no one has ever asked diddly-squat about ANYTHING about Nissa's life, ways, personality, etc., as if she'd never even existed for all of her almost 20 years.

People can be such putzes!

Lee,

Well, venting about it always helps, and must be a part of healing, at least for me! This woman has lost many 'pets' (that's about all they are to her) and humans and thinks she's an 'expert' at all kinds of grief counselling, just because she (supposedly) was at one time a 'social worker'. I also remember quite clearly how, even when Nissa was still here, she didn't 'suffer' well my own replies to Nissa when she was calling me, yet still liked to go on and on about her OWN cat...as if HE was the only interesting animal in the whole world and Nissa was just flotsam. To me, any 'defense' on her part has more to do with her ego than anything else. She couldn't possibly be incorrect in her approaches to someone else's grief! (everything, including grief, is a compet*ition to her) She's also one who bases medical decisions for her animals on costs more than anything else. She makes me sick, really, and I think I just have stop talking to her, period, as she's not doing me any good....even though I'm sure she'd disagree vehemently!

( Oh, and btw, I love your new avatar of Fluffy!! I just hadn't gotten around to responding to your first thread here.....sorry! So please accept my condolences, right now, on your loss of Fluffy...but I'm glad to hear you're doing a bit better already, and also that Fluffy graced your life for so many loving and loveable years...even longer than Nissa managed, so I know how hard that is to even begin to comprehend... )

The day my Schtoobing died, I went for a walk (I couldn't bear to be in the house) and my neighbor was walking her dog. She is a sweet little dog- an older spaniel mix named Sydney, so I stopped to pet her greying muzzle and talk awhile. I exchanged pleasantries with my neighbor, who proceeded to tell me she'd had a tough day at work, blah blah blah. I said, 'I had a bad day too. My cat Schtoobing died this morning.' She told me she was sorry, but I could tell how uncomfortable she was. She had a hard time looking me in the eye as she said, 'well you need to go right out and get yourself another kitty, right away.' I wasn't sure what to think, but I decided that my neighbor is probably dreading the day when she has to face life without Sydney. I happened to be living one of her nightmares, and she didn't know how to react.

Sometimes people don't know WHAT to say. The ones who try to be comforting, even if it's not what I want to hear, are at least making some effort to acknowledge that I am hurting. I figure that most people, even the ones who are not overly thoughtful, have good hearts in the end.

Hi Furkidlet's Mom, I really hear what you're saying. I also feel like T.C. doesn't exist for anyone anymore. The only time his name comes up is if i do so I just don't bother anymore. Sabin, Nissa and T.C. did exist and THEY STILL DO or we wouldn't have this empty void within ourselves we are carrying around day after day. When a human dies, people talk about "Oh remember when"... well we want to hear that too. We want to hear remember when we used to give Sabin box rides or or remember when we got Nissa all the paper to play in or remember when T.C. pulled down the baby gate so he could get in the front seat on the trip from Florida to Montana. Yeah, I know they mean well but we want our "remember when's too and not being cut off or have our attention diverted because they feel uncomfortable. It's hard not being listened to by people you see everyday.

I think sometimes people don't want to "feel" someones pain. You can't just "listen" to the person and then carry on a conversation about the loss of something you totally loved like some kind of idle banter! People are fixers all around I have realized. I stopped bringing the conversation of Chase up to people because I felt worse after they were done with me than I did before I started talking to them. There are 1 of 2 things going on here....1 - the person is afraid of that kind of pain & minimizes the conversation to a level where they will not be injured or 2 - the person is incapable of that kind of emotion & totally doesn't understand why you are "taking it so hard". #1 is either selfish or just plain rude & #2 should be reborn as a chunk or drywall because they obviously don't need ears. Bottom line is 1 & 2 will leave you wanting & empty. This has been my experience since Chase died. I get what I need thru tears & dialogue with my wife and I get the same here...Yes people can be such putzes

Schtoobing's Mom,

Thanks for your perspective. I really do try to give most people the benefit of the doubt, but after too many of what I feel are hurtful, selfish behaviours, I guess I just can't keep forgiving them their mistakes, especially when they don't seem to make any effort to stop repeating them! Even though you've taken this more 'advanced' view on what your neighbour said to you, I can't help but feel so sorry for you having to hear that, especially on the same day of your loss!! As for this particular friend of mine....I'm reluctantly deciding that she's stepped on my toes once too many times for me to keep overlooking her blunders...so I guess I'll be 'rewriting my address book' because of another loss, once again...

Kathi,

Thank you so much for your kindness and for 'hearing' me. In sharp contrast to these UNkindnesses of this other local friend, I was blown away by the effort you made to recall some of our fond memories of our kids...JUST what I wanted for Christmas!! THANK YOU!! It's just not right that so many of us are forced to isolate ourselves when often that's the last thing we really want to do! I had to do this as well with my family (human) losses, as even with them, no one was willing to share memories or talk about my loved ones. It's getting REAL old, and my patience with people is growing as thin as Saran Wrap!

John,

Speaking of #2's, thank YOU for my 2nd Christmas present! In the midst of all this extra stress, you've added some much-needed laughter, and there's nothing more healing than that! I agree completely with your assessment and with the feeling of being left (still) "wanting and empty" after talking with folks such as this. It does more harm than good, especially if you've tried to believe in their inherent goodness, just to end up so bitterly disappointed in what turns out to be their own hidden agendas. I'm not looking for utter perfection...just some basic human kindness...or has that become an oxymoron?

Lee,

Well, I'm impressed! You've pegged this woman perfectly! She's all about ego and all roads must return to her. And her medical decisions being based on costs, btw, aren't just limited to the "ultimate decision", either, but to some pretty basic care as well. No matter the subject at hand, she feels she must be the world's biggest expert, despite her ignorance of many things. She lives in a world of inner denial. So although there are actually aspects of her that I enjoy, it's just not enough right now and I think she's become too toxic for me to keep hanging around. I also just remembered how she wouldn't divulge the name of a mutual aquaintance of ours who, in her own words, "...is JUST like YOU when it comes to her cats!" To me, that says that she won't give up her human 'following' (cuz she's 'queen', naturally), even knowing one member might be of good help to another. Ego! God forbid she should be left out of the 'loop'! Ugh!! As I said here before, I REALLY need new, and much better, friends locally.

Here, I have no reason to worry much, if at all, about being "weird" or 'too' animal-oriented or 'over the top'. I wish I could throw these conversations in the faces of these OTHER kinds of people, though....as I already know that a number of them think that anyone else who feels like me must be a part of some kind of abnormal, elitist, quasi-crazy and deluded faction that's just plain "weird" and somewhat scary! (as if opening up your heart to include more love, other than human love, is something to be feared)

And yes, Fluffy looks so....well, fluffy and soft! I just want to reach right into that photo and hug the stuffin' outta him! Go right ahead and brag! You BOTH deserve it, and I'd love to hear even more about him!

Furkidlet's Mom, I hope I didn't come across as trying to minimize your feelings of frustration. I'm sorry if I did that, it was unintended. I do understand what you're saying- I get so tired of being disappointed in other people's lack of consideration, so I tend to avoid them altogether. I admire your courage in being able to go to Christmas parties and socialize, despite your sadness and grief. And I admire the fact that you keep forgiving your friends, despite their lack of empathy.

Diane,

No, of course you didn't! I just didn't think I could apply such evolved rationality to my OWN life! (but thanks for your unneeded apology, nonetheless!) I'm not so sure I was courageous, though. I've really been trying to use certain things as diversions from the constant pain, only because I know already how unbalanced we can become if we don't try at least something. When Sabin passed, I pretty much stayed away from everybody I possibly could for at least 6 months...but then I also needed to look after Nissa, so it was easier to isolate. I'm about at the end of my rope now, though, when it comes to that forgiveness of people....unlike you, they never think that maybe an apology's even in order, so unless I get one from some of them soon.....

I've also decided for sure that I'm NOT going to that last party this wknd. Forget it....I don't need the extra stress of inconsiderate people, and I DO need to get over this stooopid cold before we go away after Christmas.