It's so hard, and so crazy...yet it's still just there. Every single day I find myself thinking, "If I just....finish this task...do that thing....do my running around and then come home......Nissa might just BE THERE, as she always had been..."if I only....". You realize, even during this thinking, that it's an insane thought...but that doesn't stop it. The yearning is so great, to not have this reality BE this reality. Went through the same period after Sabin's loss...but this time, it's worse, more pervasive, more enduring, more part of my skin. I hold my breath whenever I or we are on the way home after having been out....like all this bottling-up of emotions while out lookinig for distractions will find some kind of merciful resolution once I'm finally back at home....she'll BE there and this nightmare will be over!! But there's only silence when the door's opened....dead silence. We seem to enter reverently, scared to break.....something. We put away our things and there's still just nothing. No one to yell so inconceivably loudly, for such a tiny girl, "You're HOME! Where WERE you?!?!?", no one to greet and kiss hello. We each peak at the couch, catching a glimpse of my 'surrogate'-Nissa's head ( the stuffie I'd had to buy )....not grey but dark brown and all wrong. Just her pictures, the last few ammalgamated flowers from her 5 bouquets sent to honour her......oh, God, her departure. THAT reality...the one that just....can't....BE! We still automatically check the litter as we pass by ( hardly anything's been put away, and probably won't be for a long time yet ), check for any possibly-eaten crunchies in our absence though there's now not even a plate on the floor, step around where water bowls used to be. Each room, checking this and checking that...even when leaving the house - Is the stove off? Are there crunchies out? And the emergency bags of crunchies? Is the heat up enough? Fresh water in all her bowls? Pillows rewarmed enough? All windows and doors secure? How soon will I be back, so I can tell her? Did I say my prayer over her and surround her with protective, healing Light? A million habits, all part of my entire being. All these, and even more, but now....
No need....no need....just the household basics...hardly anything now, almost everything was done for her, not us.....and I/we can....just...leave...this empty house, this house without a soul, devoid of the biggest presence....from such a wee, dainty girl. The girl who ran this house....my GIRL!.... my girl....where are you?.......and why can't I bring you back?
Full Version: Magical Thinking
How my heart just breaks for you 
. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard for me to read your post if I myself didn't know first hand just how bad it hurts. You know it has been over 2 years for me, and just about a month ago I had one of these 'magical thoughts'. When Sasha died, I put all of her stuffed toys in a bag in the bottom of the pantry. I came home one day to find one of her favorite toys lying in the middle of the floor. My first thought was filled with overwhelming anticipation.. "Sasha, is that you? Are you back baby girl?". As irrational as I knew it was, my heart was beating out of my chest. When I got to the kitchen door, I saw that the pantry door had been opened (no doubt by the cat) and Zada had found the bag of toys and pulled them out. I had a flood of emotion come over me like no other. It was as though I lost her all over again...the reality of her absence hitting me once again. I was mad at the cat for opening the door, and mad at Zada for pulling out SASHA'S toys...how dare them! As though they had any clue as to the pain they had unintentionally caused me. It doesn't matter how much time passes, you will always want that miracle. I know I always will.
I know you have said before that you won't have any other kitties, and if that is truly how you feel I certainly respect that, but I just hate to see such a loving home sit empty, all the while longing to shelter a little kitty, and so many little kittes that would give their right paw to be blessed with a mommy like you (and a daddy that's not to shabby either
)! I know you may need some time yet, but won't you please reconsider the blessing of another furbaby to love?
hugs..
Kim
. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard for me to read your post if I myself didn't know first hand just how bad it hurts. You know it has been over 2 years for me, and just about a month ago I had one of these 'magical thoughts'. When Sasha died, I put all of her stuffed toys in a bag in the bottom of the pantry. I came home one day to find one of her favorite toys lying in the middle of the floor. My first thought was filled with overwhelming anticipation.. "Sasha, is that you? Are you back baby girl?". As irrational as I knew it was, my heart was beating out of my chest. When I got to the kitchen door, I saw that the pantry door had been opened (no doubt by the cat) and Zada had found the bag of toys and pulled them out. I had a flood of emotion come over me like no other. It was as though I lost her all over again...the reality of her absence hitting me once again. I was mad at the cat for opening the door, and mad at Zada for pulling out SASHA'S toys...how dare them! As though they had any clue as to the pain they had unintentionally caused me. It doesn't matter how much time passes, you will always want that miracle. I know I always will.I know you have said before that you won't have any other kitties, and if that is truly how you feel I certainly respect that, but I just hate to see such a loving home sit empty, all the while longing to shelter a little kitty, and so many little kittes that would give their right paw to be blessed with a mommy like you (and a daddy that's not to shabby either
)! I know you may need some time yet, but won't you please reconsider the blessing of another furbaby to love?hugs..
Kim
It's not insane thinking that way. At least I hope not, cause I must be be on my way to the loony bin too 
I think my mind likes to play cruel tricks on me, like making me forget for a SPLIT second that all of this has happened, so when I come home I look for her to be sitting on the walk. She used to wait on the walk for me to get home. The walk, the very last place she waitied for me to get home. I see her out of the corner of my eye all the time, and for a moment my heart LEAPS, until I actually look to see that nothing's there. When you meld your life with your baby's so intricately, it's so incredibly hard to accept that they're gone. Even as I type that I don't think I actually believe it, like I should go find her cause she likes so much to sit with me when I'm on the computer. I feel your sadness, even when we're not crying the sadness is there like a presence as well. An unwelcome presence to take the place of our babies. I hurt with you.
Linsey, Kitty's mommy
I think my mind likes to play cruel tricks on me, like making me forget for a SPLIT second that all of this has happened, so when I come home I look for her to be sitting on the walk. She used to wait on the walk for me to get home. The walk, the very last place she waitied for me to get home. I see her out of the corner of my eye all the time, and for a moment my heart LEAPS, until I actually look to see that nothing's there. When you meld your life with your baby's so intricately, it's so incredibly hard to accept that they're gone. Even as I type that I don't think I actually believe it, like I should go find her cause she likes so much to sit with me when I'm on the computer. I feel your sadness, even when we're not crying the sadness is there like a presence as well. An unwelcome presence to take the place of our babies. I hurt with you.Linsey, Kitty's mommy
I hope all of you know that your babies are with you!! You can't see them; you may not realise it and can't feel their presence but THEY ARE THERE!! Please know that. Act like you acknowledge their presence even though there's nothing visible to the & eye. Talk to them, sing to them, treat them like they are a presence. I do this every day because I am lucky enough to still feel Precious with me.
It will give you tremendous peace if you try it just once.
Let me know if this works!
Lisa
It will give you tremendous peace if you try it just once.
Let me know if this works!
Lisa
Kim,
Well, heck, my heart started beating out of it's chest, too, before I finished reading your story....so I can well imagine. Although it wasn't the reality you'd wanted it to be, I have to wonder.....could that still have been considered a sign from Sasha? Maybe she urged Zada into pulling out something of hers.....just for you? Was it a certain toy, that might have more meaning to it? I wonder because of all the things Nissa would sometimes do, and so very often at a time when I'd just been missing Sabin so much, that were so HIM......like yowling like a banshee from the depths of her throat at the bottom of the stairs....just like he'd so often do when he wanted MORE play, please! She'd NEVER done this while he'd been here, and didn't start doing it constantly after, either.....only some of the time. So whenever something like this would happen, it made me stop and think.....had I just been either talking to him in my head, or missing him more again....and very often that WAS the case. Just a thought to kick around.
But again, that's what makes this so hard now. There's no one but me in the house during the daytime....no one to emulate and channel HER behaviours for me.
As for getting others......well, this subject just came up a couple of days ago and it wasn't pretty. While my H finally ended up saying he wouldn't stop me should I end up wanting to, neither would he now be as amenable to paying for all the costs involved in cat-care over a lifetime......he tallied it up, more or less, last week, and let's just say......even WE were astonished!!! It wasn't much different than having human kids. While I'd already planned, or at least hoped, to start working in some way again, we both know I'd never be able at this late stage to make enough to cover all those costs, and there's never any guarantee someone will be healthier....plus, I'd more likely adopt an older cat anyway, so he pointed out that I might be faced, from the get-go, with a bunch of health problems, which we both know I just couldn't handle well again, yet. ( for more on this, see my post in the thread on vet treatment ) He also said his heart would never be in it the same way as it had been...so emotionally, I'd be 'on my own, baby!' So I don't know if I could do it....or if he'd change his mind. But that's no way to start out again, that's for sure, with a lack of emotional commitment from one parent. So I'm trying to think of a way I could work with or be a big part of animals' lives, w/o adopting. And you know I'd never work in a 'shelter'. I'm hoping for inspiration at some point. But for now, I can barely think straight about anything! I've even said that, should they decide to come back in new forms, they'd best make darn sure that BOTH Mommy and Daddy are completely ready for the challenge again first! I'd already discussed this with Nissa and gave her the heads-up about her Daddy's reluctance - this came thru the communicator, with Nissa saying yes, she thinks they WILL come back, and even gave some details.....so I felt I had to warn her. Unfortunately, this also makes my grief that much worse, as I don't now feel it's even much of an option to play with. But I know what you mean....if it's my calling in life to be a Mom to these precious souls, the ones I've always had such kinship with.....how can I deny both them and myself of all that? And knowing how many are abused and killed off w/o enough people to save them all.......talk about GUILT! But for now, all I can say is, we'll see what transpires, cuz we know that it will take me a LONG time to stop grieving so heavily anyway, and I'd never want to subject anyone new to that kind of upheaval, either. I just don't know what I'm going to do with this innate NEED to hold someone furry, and give my heart and soul to them.
Linsey,
I know, it's not really "insane". It's just a defense mechanism for our poor, addled brains and hearts, as we ever-so-slowly begin to let the reality become 'fact' for us. But what you said, [quote]"...even when we're not crying the sadness is there like a presence as well. An unwelcome presence to take the place of our babies."
Well, heck, my heart started beating out of it's chest, too, before I finished reading your story....so I can well imagine. Although it wasn't the reality you'd wanted it to be, I have to wonder.....could that still have been considered a sign from Sasha? Maybe she urged Zada into pulling out something of hers.....just for you? Was it a certain toy, that might have more meaning to it? I wonder because of all the things Nissa would sometimes do, and so very often at a time when I'd just been missing Sabin so much, that were so HIM......like yowling like a banshee from the depths of her throat at the bottom of the stairs....just like he'd so often do when he wanted MORE play, please! She'd NEVER done this while he'd been here, and didn't start doing it constantly after, either.....only some of the time. So whenever something like this would happen, it made me stop and think.....had I just been either talking to him in my head, or missing him more again....and very often that WAS the case. Just a thought to kick around.
But again, that's what makes this so hard now. There's no one but me in the house during the daytime....no one to emulate and channel HER behaviours for me.
As for getting others......well, this subject just came up a couple of days ago and it wasn't pretty. While my H finally ended up saying he wouldn't stop me should I end up wanting to, neither would he now be as amenable to paying for all the costs involved in cat-care over a lifetime......he tallied it up, more or less, last week, and let's just say......even WE were astonished!!! It wasn't much different than having human kids. While I'd already planned, or at least hoped, to start working in some way again, we both know I'd never be able at this late stage to make enough to cover all those costs, and there's never any guarantee someone will be healthier....plus, I'd more likely adopt an older cat anyway, so he pointed out that I might be faced, from the get-go, with a bunch of health problems, which we both know I just couldn't handle well again, yet. ( for more on this, see my post in the thread on vet treatment ) He also said his heart would never be in it the same way as it had been...so emotionally, I'd be 'on my own, baby!' So I don't know if I could do it....or if he'd change his mind. But that's no way to start out again, that's for sure, with a lack of emotional commitment from one parent. So I'm trying to think of a way I could work with or be a big part of animals' lives, w/o adopting. And you know I'd never work in a 'shelter'. I'm hoping for inspiration at some point. But for now, I can barely think straight about anything! I've even said that, should they decide to come back in new forms, they'd best make darn sure that BOTH Mommy and Daddy are completely ready for the challenge again first! I'd already discussed this with Nissa and gave her the heads-up about her Daddy's reluctance - this came thru the communicator, with Nissa saying yes, she thinks they WILL come back, and even gave some details.....so I felt I had to warn her. Unfortunately, this also makes my grief that much worse, as I don't now feel it's even much of an option to play with. But I know what you mean....if it's my calling in life to be a Mom to these precious souls, the ones I've always had such kinship with.....how can I deny both them and myself of all that? And knowing how many are abused and killed off w/o enough people to save them all.......talk about GUILT! But for now, all I can say is, we'll see what transpires, cuz we know that it will take me a LONG time to stop grieving so heavily anyway, and I'd never want to subject anyone new to that kind of upheaval, either. I just don't know what I'm going to do with this innate NEED to hold someone furry, and give my heart and soul to them.
Linsey,
I know, it's not really "insane". It's just a defense mechanism for our poor, addled brains and hearts, as we ever-so-slowly begin to let the reality become 'fact' for us. But what you said, [quote]"...even when we're not crying the sadness is there like a presence as well. An unwelcome presence to take the place of our babies."
just about sums it up. That's how it feels, for sure. But it's just what we have to feel ~ the work of grieving. I'm just finding that, with 4 major losses in only 6 years that I've had to deal with, that have 'interfered' with my life and whatever joys were trying to remain in it......I'm so very TIRED of having my heart squashed flat. I'm tired of grieving, of having to grieve. And knowing so much now about the grieving process, almost makes it worse, too....because I'm aware of so much that's here right now, and that's yet to come. Sometimes it's almost better being ignorant. And yet, it's also a help, in that I know what's normal and common. BUT, every single grief can also be different in its own ways, too. And this one, as I correctly predicted for myself, is more intense under the surface, no matter what I'm doing with it 'aboveground'. Last night, it felt like my head was about to explode, I'd stuffed the pain for so long yesterday when I had to start cleaning up Nissa's yard for the winter. One's heart becomes so heavy and congested-feeling, it's enough to make you feel like ripping it right out.
Precious' mom,
I know you're trying so hard to get us all to feel our babies' presence yet in our lives. I actually did start talking to Nissa yesterday, as I kind of thought she was here in the morning, including just some usual prattle about my daily plans, but also sharing my feelings about all this with her. I also told her since she wouldn't now be affected by the chilly air outside, that she could come and join me in the yard once I got out there, if she liked. While it did make me feel a bit better while I was yakking to her, I think it may just have been because it helped me feel more like things were normal around here, so in that way imparted some "peace". But it's not like I felt her outside with me later on, either, though I kept checking for that sense of presence once in awhile. I've also wondered whether those odd times when I've been sort of 'taking a break' from the grief and can't even seem to drum it up even if I'm trying/testing, are times when she's upholding me and GIVING me that necessary break......or again, if that's just my defense mechanism kicking in on its own.
I'd just told her Reiki lady that I wished I could be like that psychic and her other friend, who see and sense the 'dead' so clearly....but she said to me, "Well....it's not always pretty, either....." , yet if you learned to control such an ability.....I think it would be grand. No more wondering, but KNOWING, about anyone we'd 'lost'.
Precious' mom,
I know you're trying so hard to get us all to feel our babies' presence yet in our lives. I actually did start talking to Nissa yesterday, as I kind of thought she was here in the morning, including just some usual prattle about my daily plans, but also sharing my feelings about all this with her. I also told her since she wouldn't now be affected by the chilly air outside, that she could come and join me in the yard once I got out there, if she liked. While it did make me feel a bit better while I was yakking to her, I think it may just have been because it helped me feel more like things were normal around here, so in that way imparted some "peace". But it's not like I felt her outside with me later on, either, though I kept checking for that sense of presence once in awhile. I've also wondered whether those odd times when I've been sort of 'taking a break' from the grief and can't even seem to drum it up even if I'm trying/testing, are times when she's upholding me and GIVING me that necessary break......or again, if that's just my defense mechanism kicking in on its own.
I'd just told her Reiki lady that I wished I could be like that psychic and her other friend, who see and sense the 'dead' so clearly....but she said to me, "Well....it's not always pretty, either....." , yet if you learned to control such an ability.....I think it would be grand. No more wondering, but KNOWING, about anyone we'd 'lost'.
I'm sorry if my enthusiam for a pet's presence is too much for you! I just feel mine so strongly that the power of suggestion may help others who went through such a hard time. Precious did show me a sign this morning (twice!). One, Patches decided to sleep on the pillow beside me, as Precious once did. Two, there was a flock of 19 geese that flew overhead on the way to work after dawn this morning. Precious was 19 when he died, and he has appeared as butterflies, dragonflies and now birds! He's still here, most definitely, and comforting his Mum. I love him so!
Lisa
Lisa
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2025 Invision Power Services, Inc.