I am in too much pain to talk much right now, I'm just trying to get through the minute. All I can bare to say right now is my chocolate lab Cleveland was euthanized yesterday, he was only 8.

I ran out of money after spending $1,200 on his testing in the past 2 months, and could not even afford to have his ashes sent back to me! Burying him at home wasn't possible either, although it would have been preferred.

I won't be allowed the closure that comes with with burying your companion, OR keeping their ashes. I am heart sick....I feel as if he has been "thrown away"...I couldn't give him the dignified burial he deserved so much!

I know that it's merely his 'body', and he is with me in spirit, etc, etc, but I cannot get past the guilt of failing him, of not being able to do enough.

The whole story is tragic enough, perhaps I'll share that later when I am able. But for now I am torturing myself with thoughts of him being tossed into a crematory along with dozens of others...which is what they do if you haven't arranged for a private cremation.

I cannot function. I can't do the simplest things. I am consumed with guilt about everything, can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop crying.

I can't go anywhere in my home either and not be expecting him to be right there...he followed me from room to room. I work from home, so I can't get way from the memories that are so painful right now. I feel like I can't go on.

Dear Cleveland's mom,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know exactly how you feel, unfortunately. I had to euthanise my dear Guinness at the age of 11. It's a horrible thing to experience.

I did get to cremate my dog and bring the ashes back, but to be honoust, due to the horrible way the people in the crematorium treated the whole situation I have no feeling at all about the urn or the ashes, as if they were not from my dog. I do not cherish the ashes, I cherish his memory.

But I am sorry that you did not get to chose. However, in my humble opinion, what happens after your furbaby dies is not nearly as important as what you did for him/her in your final act of compassion, though I understand what you mean. You spent all that money to try to save Cleveland, that's worth so much!!! And when he/she could not be helped you helped to end the suffering. It was an act that takes a lot of courage, because it means saying goodbye to your best friend for the rest of your life, which is a terrible thing. But you think of your furbaby and so you do the right thing. You should be proud that you could do this final thing for Cleveland.

The love we feel for our furbabies is inside, and what it is more important, they know how much we love them and they love us unconditionally. They will always be in our heart and to me that is what is important.

Cleveland will know your love and that you had no choice in the matter. I understand how you feel, honoustly, because the first week after Guinny died I kept feeling I had murdered him and this would be the only thought in my mind. But that part will get better, although it will not take away the pain. You will slowly start to focus on the beautifull memories.

I ended up creating a small "shrine", with pictures and flowers. I know it is different for everyone, but maybe this will help you to. It helps to do things like that, to honour our friends.

I wish you a lot of strength. Please come back to this site a lot, it helped me to feel less alone.

Essy

Although you were unable to keep his ashes, do you have any other keepsakes, such as his leash or bed? To give yourself closure, you could put a picture of him in a frame and put his leash in front of it in a nice place in your house or apartment. This will serve as a memorial to him and since, as you say his soul has left his body, it could serve the same purpose as saving his ashes.

I have nothing left of the dogs my childhood. I was lucky to be able to keep Daisy's ashes, the only dog of my adulthood, in a pink marble case. But, if I hadn't been able to do that I would have kept one of her belongings, as I suggested to you.

I am sure that Cleveland appreciates that you spent so much money trying to save his life, rather than hoarding it to buy his ashes after he had passed.

Daisy's Mommy

I am so sorry for your loss. I know I'd have a hard time too with thoughts of my sweetheart's remains jumbled with others.

Maybe it's too early to reframe it this way, but may I suggest a metaphor? Are you a gardener? When you garden, you rake soil loose, then add amendments, like compost or manure or ash. Then you mix them together, gently blending the particles until they're a vibrant mix of earth and organic matter that nourishes new growth.

What would it be like to imagine your boy's body becoming part of this mixture, blended with all the other tremendously loved and petted bodies? His body is where he was touched, loved, and caressed, and the love you shared with him would be carried into his ash. Mingled in with others, your boy's ashes will eventually find their way back to the earth. Not closed in a box, but freely scattered, to frisk along in the breeze, or settle down to join the soil, becoming once again part of the natural cycle of the earth. Combined together like that, think of how much loving energy would rejoin the earth! Imagine the wild daisies that will no doubt spring up over such a spot.

I imagine you're in too much pain right now to shift into sentiment, but tuck that image away, your boy part of a Band of Brothers replenishing the earth somewhere with a powerful punch of love set free back into the natural cycle.

The first few days are an awful gut-punch of pain I wouldn't wish on anybody. Water, vitamins, kleenex. It's been two weeks today for me, and while I still think of him every moment, and I miss him horribly, the pain is less and I'm tolerating the wrongness better. Again, I am so sorry.

You can still have a memorial day - a tribute to Clevelands life.

Its the saying goodbye that means so much, actually doing something to say 'hey you live in my heart forever and allways'.

Make a photo album, i have a little box with their leads and pictures etc in.

We place so much emphasis on what we can touch, now we learn its the energy of the love that counts.

Love Sue

[We place so much emphasis on what we can touch, now we learn its the energy of the love that counts]

Now that is a beautiful sentence and the truth!
I took the pain of loosing Guinny (the most horrible I have ever experienced) and after a while realized that it was the proof of something beautiful, the love between us, that special bond. I would not have wanted to miss that. And it has not gone missing, it is just redirected.

And I learned this through experiencing his death.

At the beginning things feel horrible, I remember how bad it feels. But the emotions will settle down after a while, though the missing will remain.

Everybody advised me to do something creative around Guinny and I did, and it helped!! It is a step in a healing process.

Abundant thanks to everyone who has replied.
I have read each posting over and over and over. You have no idea how much your words have comforted me.

I do have pictures of him around the house. One of him hangs on the refridgerator door right along with the kids, of course he was our kid too.

I cannot bare to look at his leash, collar, doggie toys...I kept those things, but they are put away for now. I wrestled with keeping his huge doggie bed or not, and I chose not to simply because I expect for him to be in it. Seeing it empty is a devasting reminder that he isn't here. I did keep his "blankie", but it is always tucked away for now.

It is truly the little things that set me back. If I accidentally drop a piece of food on the floor, I automatically expect Cleveland to be right there acting as clean-up crew. Or when the refridgerator door opens, I look for him to appear out of no where hoping to gain a snack for himself. As I sit here and write this, he should be laying right next to me...he ALWAYS hung out with me while I am on the computer no matter what time it was, or what else was going on in the house.

I still can't shake the guilt of not being able to do more for him at the end. (not being able to bring him or his ashes back home). That part haunts me!

I am grateful that I had the chance to tell him how much I loved him and I thanked him for being such a good friend. I wish I could stop crying for a little while. The emotions come in waves. I keep praying that he will come to me in a dream so that I will see for myself that he is happy and free. I need that so much right now. I can't find peace until that happens.

I wish I could push fast forward and it instantly be a few months down the road.
Time is at a stand still right now. I can barely function. My life will never be the same, and that is so sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I work from home, too, and so I'm here all day missing my baby. I hope it gets easier for us both, over time.

Magdalene

Cleveland's Mom

Please know that my heart is with you and I know exactly how you feel having to euthanize your baby.
Remember that you did everything humanly possible for Cleveland and that he knows this.
Try not to dwell on how his life ended, but remember the good times and how much love you brought to each others lives .
May I also suggest a small memorial such as a picture with an item that belonged to him, you can make a scrapbook or just put all of his pictures in a photo album .

My thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of grief.

Emily's Mom

Dont stop the tears let them roll, they are our saviour our golden healers, let out the pain now while its fresh not months down the line when its festered and turned into something nast.

You just have to go with it, roll with the punches, youll be fine, youll see.

I was lucky enough to be able to bury Meg in my parent's back yard, and I am thankful for that, but I think it is the symbolism of the burial that is truly comforting. I suggest you find something of Cleveland's that he really loved, perhaps a toy or his blankie (if you can bear to part with it) or even fill his blankie with things he loved - his favorite food, his favorite toy, something of yours with your scent on it - and wrap that up like his body and have a proper burial. The burial gives you a sense of closure - it's for you, not Cleveland - he's already free of his tumor and watching over you. If you can't do it where you live, go somewhere private - maybe his favorite park - and have your ceremony. It is about a new beginning for you, and without closure, you can get a little stuck.
Everything will remind you of him. Any clinking noise I hear makes me think Meg is at her water bowl or starting a seizure.
Changing your routine to live without him will be very hard. I am on day one right now. I got up to pee and felt bad because I "forgot" to kiss Meg.
And if you are into this sort of thing, my husband and I are getting tattoos of Meg. I know it sounds corney, but I never want to forget her, I want to think about her every day and to have her with me in that way will be very comforting and a tribute to her and how much our year and a half together meant to me.
Emily

Cleveland's Mom...this is Brodie's Mom.

My beautiful baby Brodie, my 15-year-old German Shepherd who was with me through every movement of my life for the past 15 years, was euthanized in my arms yesterday. I know exactly how you feel because I'm feeling exactly the same thing right now as I cry through typing this email. I've been crying since it happened yesterday and am totally full of guilt. I can't even think of doing anything other than crying right now and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier even though it's been almost a day (he was euthanized at 4:30 yesterday).

Brodie had nerve degeneration in his spine which caused him to slowly (over two years) lose the ability to walk and he recently started to lose bladder control which meant he was getting urine burns from # himself while I was at work. However, he was still happy and eating, he just couldn't walk. After a long talk with my vet, we agreed that his quality of life was not good anymore and we decided to euthanize.

I feel SO guilty today I can't even tell you! I feel like I murdered my sweet baby and like you, everywhere I look in my house I see reminders of him and expect to see him. I keep smelling his bed just to be reminded of his smell.

I am dying here in emotional pain. Please feel free to email me at dog.rescuer.girl@invalidemail. It would be wonderful to talk to someone who is suffering the same as I am in this painful minute.

I wish I could stop crying for a little while....

Tears are very healing so please cry. My goodness when I first lost Emily I could've flooded a country that was going thru a drought. Cry all you need to and then cry some more, you'd be amazed that it really does help.

Take care,
Emily's Mom

Thank you Emily's Mom. I just went outside to garbage-bag up the bin where Brodie's pee pads were and to bring his stake and lead in from the front lawn. It was such a raw reminder that he's never coming home so now I'm crying yet again.

I have to return to work tomorrow and while I'm sure that's a good thing (all the websites say to return to your normal routine as soon as possible), I just hope I can do it without breaking down and having to leave.

I just emailed a friend and said that I've cried more in the last 24 hours than the last 24 years, seriously. Being single with no kids....makes Brodie my whole life so I truly feel that a part of me died with him yesterday.

I tried to go to work 48 hours later and it was a mistake. I walked in the door to someone who was supportive, and burst into tears. The next day I was angry, intolerant of everyone and everything. Mink was killed on Sunday, and Thursday was my first day back at work. I knew it was wrong to try to go back on Tuesday, but "I didn't want to let people down."

Trust your gut. If you need time, call in [heart]sick. Trying to push yourself into another state of mind to meet other's expectations is just not possible right now. It will be in a few days, but not yet.

If you ARE in the state of mind to function at work (concentration, focus, setting it out of your mind for a few minutes), then by all means, the distraction helps. I couldn't deal with it on Tuesday, but by Thursday I was [ashamed of being] grateful for the break from grieving.

Cyberhug to you....

I can only agree, try to follow your feelings. If you feel like crying cry, if you do not feel anything let that be, if you feel like shouting shout, if work helps to take your mind of things for a while go to work (and do not feel guilty for that). I experienced a lot of departures of loved ones just before Guinness died (the absolute worst I am not ashamed to say) and I have the habit of just pretending that nothing is wrong. So I went to work after my dad died and everything seemed back to normal. Three weeks later I woke up crying with chestpain and breathing troubles and I said to myself "Just stop it". I stayed home for a week and did whatever I felt like (mostly nothing). With the death of Guinness a few months later this was not at all appealing, since he was not there to comfort me anymore and I would be confronted with his absence everywhere. But again, I got ill and so was forced to look at my grief. Those days I spent trying to design a website as a tribute to my beloved dog and I did feel better.

I guess the message is: Listen to yourself, to the signs of your body and soul. Only you know what will help. Take into account that people who do not have a close bond with a pet do not always understand your grief, but this does not mean it is not completely legitimate!!! You lost a dear friend and it hurts and that is only normal. So look for people that do understand (this site for instance, everyone here knows how hard it is, but also that things get better after a while, although the missing stays).
I think it is good advice to do some kind of ceremony, whatever you feel is right for you. Whether it is burning a candle or having a tatoo, as long as it works for you.

And dear dogrescuer, I experienced the same thing when I had to euthanise my Guinny. I also felt I murdered him and reading on this site I find that a lot of people feel that way. However, keep in mind that you did the right thing because you did not want Brodie to suffer. And it takes a lot of courage to put your own emotional pain aside knowing that you will lose a loved one. You did a final act of love for Brodie and I am sure he/she knows you did it out of love.

Lots of strenght to all of you
Essy