Life is different since I last posted. I've quit my job, started my own daycare buisness, and moved on in a lot of areas of my life. One thing has remained the same. Freeway still isn't here.

I drift through my days , thinking of him more times than I can count. One year ago today I had no idea that he only had 2 more days to live. If I had known, those two days would have been spent so differently. On the 29th of May, there would have been no road trip that day. I would have stuck by his side, petting him, loving on him, making sure he knew how much I loved him. I would have relished in every bark, every kiss.. every move that he made.

I also would have liked to be able to better prepare myself for the end. I'm not sure that's ever an attainable goal, but I would have liked the chance to have tried. We knew he didn't have long, and we also knew that he would suffer. And we would have to be the ones to end that suffering. I regret being in the room. When I think of my boy, I still hear his yelp as the needle went in.. I still see the fear in his eyes... I still see him laying on that table, lifeless. A year has not killed those memories. A lifetime could never still those memories. I still feel guilty, even though I know if I had allowed him to suffer, I would feel guilty then, too. Maybe even more so. It was a lose-lose situation.

A year does a lot for the pain. Sometimes I'll sit and think about something he did and giggle.. he was a silly boy. Sometimes the tears flow just as hard as they did on the day he died. It's not as intense as it was. But it's still oh so real. The world keeps spinning and life must go on.

The grief I feel is still not understood by most. I feel like I can't really share my grief with anyone, because no one will understand shedding tears over the loss of a pet one year ago. I honestly didn't expect to feel this bad. I can't imagine how to get through work on Tuesday! I know that I will, somehow.

In the first few months, I always used to question if the pain would get better. People would say that it does. I disagree. I think it is we, who learn how to deal with the pain better, that makes it feel less.

Freeway, you were my childhood friend. You were sometimes all I had to turn to. For 10 years you gave me everything you had and asked for so little in return.
I will never, ever forget the impact that you had on my life. You were my special miracle. One year has felt like a lifetime. I long for the day that we are brought back together. My sweet Freeway, I hope that you are resting soundly, peacefully. I love you more than words can say.

Thank you all for letting me vent over this past year. I haven't been an active member of this board for a few months now, to make room for other people's grief. In the beginning it is so raw. In closing, I am reposting a poem I wrote the day we let Freeway go. May it stand as a reminder of all he did for me, all he was to me, and that he will remain in my heart and soul forever more.

A Tribute

You were the epitome of love
Your love was unconditional and constant
The world could have learned a lot from you

You got me through all the hard times
Never faltering, never leaving my side
I’m not quite sure how to live without you

You were so brave
In all your sickness you remained happy
Tail wagging, giving kisses freely

The end was horrifying for me
But painless for you
And in my tears I am still grateful

For you, my ever faithful friend
Deserved to die with dignity
You deserved the world and more

I have given you all I could
While the choice was mine
The alternative was worse

Run free, my sweet dog
Eat all the treats you wish
Wait for me, I’ll come find you

And when we reunite
You can take back the piece of my heart
That went up to heaven with you this morning

Fly free, my sweet Freeway
You’ve done well
And will forever remain my puppy

My love is forever constant
My sorrow in time will fade
But my memories of you live on forever

Hi Jenn,
It has been so long! I am glad that you have made some changes, and yet I can relate about the pain of the memories and loss. I would still love to hear from you, or be here for you whenever you need me. I do understand, after a year, all that has changed- but the sharpness of the pain fades. I am like you, somedays, it is a giggle at a memory, other days, there is an empty feeling that only my Mo could fill.
I am still here, Jenn. Reach out when and if you need me.
Peace, Love, and prayers,
Michelle

Hello Jenn...

I thought about you and Freeway not too long ago, when i realized it had been a year since the passing of my Angel-girl. I'm glad to hear that you are moving in what seems to be the right direction!

It is so hard too...to realize that it has been a year. I feel it right there with you. Laughing at memories, missing her terribly.



In addition to this being a LOUSY day, my Sarge has gone missing for about 36 hours now. I wish he would come home.

Hugs,
Nyte

One is is so long, yet so short. What a beautiful tribute to your loving friend.

dee dee

Freeway has met a beautiful and loving soul at the bridge.
June 13th, my wonderful grandma passed away. Freeway LOVED her (we all did). I can't even express to you all how broken my heart is, but I am also so glad that Freeway has her now. The world is a much darker place without my sweet grandma in it. This happened rather suddenly and the end was very difficult.

Michelle, it seems that I so royally suck at keeping in touch with people. I wish I knew why, I think part of it is getting close to people doesn't allow me to hide from them anymore. I all too often run when people start to get close. I guess if nothing else, my grandmother's death has taught me that tomorrow is not guarenteed. There is no time to waste, because time is so very precious.

Nyte, thank you for thinking of me. I truly hope that your Sarge has safely found his way back into your arms.

deedee, thanks for your reply. No tribute that I could ever write would ever be enough for Freeway. There just are no words

My dearest boy, I sure hope you met grandma at the bridge. I know you loved her. I miss her a lot, sweet boy, so please take good care of her!