I tend to have a delayed reaction to things. As well as a tendency to bury my head in the sand. This is probably the most delayed reaction to anything I can think of. I've got to let this out before it kills me.
The story may sound convoluted but trust me it's real, and it's tearing me apart. Several years ago I was living with a flake of a room-mate who literally got us thrown out onto the street. About the only thing I was able to keep was my cat. At the time my mother who lived nearby invited me to move back home. That seemed like a perfect solution at the time. Not long after my moving back she(my mother) was diagnosed as having terminal cancer, which was bad enough. Almost from the minute she got the news Garfield(my cat) became her mortal enemy. From the get-go she was vehement that I had to get rid of him and fast! Today I know I would have reacted differently but you know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intenetions. Since she was so sick, I tried to comply and find the best all-around solution for everyone. For a whole week I was hardly ever off the phone, I tried everything I could to get him a temporary home, with the intention of taking him back. Unfortunately, I couldn't. I finally came up with the idea of putting him in a reasonably-priced kennel. 0n the drive there he knew something was up, and tried to be affectionate with me. When I gave him to the staff he tried to grab me by my shirt because he didn't want to be separated from me. If I live to be 100 I'll never forget his face at that moment. initially I kept up the kennel payments, put given that I was only working part-time and the only source of income for the family, that quickly became impossible, and so they ended up euthanizing him. To this day i feel like a murderer. That cat was all I had! My mother herself ended up dying not long after this, and needless to say we never did discuss the issue. So I suffered a double loss. There was no closure for me for either one of them. To this day a very strong part of me resents my mother all to hell. When I said that Garfield was all I had I mean that literally. Somehow I made it through this in one piece(pretty much), and I forced myself to go on. That was a long time ago. And I've had other animals since, and have loved them deeply. I've also given them very good homes. Yet I can't get Garfield out of my mind. Especially the last few days. I can't stop thinking about him, and have burst into tears at least half a dozen times in the last two days alone.
And then it hit me. It was this week, way back when when I took him to the kennel, and I'm sure I'm going to cry a lot more. He didn't deserve this. No matter how many animals I save and give homes to he still remains the biggest victim(aside from my mother). And no matter how many animals I have or take care of nothing can bring him back. He's gone and no-one can change that. And it was all my fault. I did everything I could for him and at the end of the day I feel responsible for what happened. My guilt and grief are overpowering and I don't know what I'm going to do about it . At least I'm glad there is a site like this, and I'll have to stop right here because I'm about to start bawling again.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Robert Mofford

Robert I like to think that all things happen for a reason, a lot of people (and i know a couple that did) would kick a cat out to fend for itself once they became bored with it.

Maybe Garfield is on the otherside leading you to the cats you have homed and loved since his departure, maybe even your mother is helping.

I believe strongly that we all have a lesson to learn and that if we get it wrong it is repeated for us to try again.

I have many issues in my life that i still feel guilty for today, somehow we have to learn to forgive ourselves, and others, and move on.

Love Sue

The shame really lies with a kennel that would euthanize a healthy animal just because the owner couldn't afford to make payments.




Daisy's Mommy

hi robert

i am so sorry you are suffering so much. i totally understand how one can only bottle up intense emotions for so long and then they seem to come back and bite us in the a**. i am so glad you felt safe here and finally let it out. how horrible for you. try not to be too hard on yourself. you have nothing to feel guilty abut, you obviously loved garfield so much. you made the best decisions you could given the difficult cir%%stances at the time. you tried so hard to do all that you could. i think it is wonderful that even though it was a struggle, you managed to carry on the payments to the kennel for the time you did. that was such an expression of you love for little garfield. i agree with daisy's mom that the real shame does lie with a kennel that would euthanize any healthy animal just because payments weren't kept up. there are so many other alternatives available. they are at fault, not you. and when you can find it in your heart try to forgive your mother. she was dealing with a difficult burden herself at that time and was coping to the best of her ability. right now i know it is hard to see, but it seems that the most painful experiences in our lives end up being the ones we learn and grow from the most. you are obviously an incredibly kind and loving person. i know that garfield is looking down on you with love and gratitude for all that you gave him. and bless you for the animals you have saved. what a generous, loving thing to do. please keep coming back here. the people on this site are wonderful. we are all here for you. take care of yourself.

Robert,

I'm so glad you're here, and that you were able to let it all out.

I'm about the biggest animal lover around (even a vegan, into animal rights, etc.), and yet I look back and see the "mistakes" I made with certain cats I had in the past, and I'm horrified, because the decisions I made then aren't the ones I'd make now. But I've seen, through my growth, that because of those "mistakes", I've been able to make more of a difference for other animals----as you have. . And I've pretty much come to the acceptance and realization that the animals I feel I "wronged" really do forgive me. And there is peace in knowing that.

You really really did make the decision that seemed right at the time. You did! And Garfield knows this. You had to put your mother first. You found a kennel. You kept up the payments for quite awhile. You shouldered this humanly impossible burden because you loved your mother and your cat. You obviously couldn't have your mother stay somewhere else. You had no choice. You did the best you could, Robert.

And about the parting scene at the kennel, it is very human to suppress some emotions when we're trying to make logical decisions. Later on, the emotions catch up with us, and we'd give anything to go back in time and change the decisions. It is so hard. One of the good things I see is that he had a painless death, and not a second of suffering since.

Garfield is in total bliss and will be reunited with you when it is your time to pass. His spirit is in the realm where there's no emotional or physical pain, and you will be there too---with him. He'll welcome you with open arms (paws)


Please try and be gentle with yourself. Keep in touch and let us know how you are. Thanks for sharing your story!

Love,

Kathy

I guess all that any of us can do is try to be the best person we can. You, obviously, never knew that the kennel was going to euthanize Garfield. I'm sure that you would have done anything possible to avoid that. Garfield will live on by teaching you things in relationship to other animals. All of our animals do that for us. It's one of the many gifts they give us back in return for all of the things we give them.

When my little guy died I had the typical reaction. No more cats. As if this were honoring Sidney. I know he would love me to provide as wonderful a life as possible for another cat. It, in many ways, would be selfish of me to not get one, especially as my other cat is bored without feline companionship. We all honor our lost pets by learning from every experience and loving other creatures. Especially, with all of the abused animals out there in the world, anyone at this website has the same duty as I do.

I am still going through hell dealing with my loss as well. I sleep poorly, cry all of the time, wonder if I will ever feel any enthusiasm towards life, etc. The one thing, ironically enough, that I don't worry about anymore is if I should help another animal. There will be no comparing new cat to Sidney. I have had a lot of wonderful cats but he was in a league all of his own.

I am sorry about the horrible condition that you found yourself in those years ago. But, once this situation has been truly delt with I think that Garfield will have helped you in many ways that you don't even realize. I hope that happens soon and good luck.

Hi, Robert. I totally validate what you said, there is much truth in your talk. I have done similar deeds and feel now yet wretched in my love and compassion for the animals that I maybe did hurt in some ways even when I was doing my best to love them, in good will. I am here for you. You were in a very stressful traumatic situation, and you were pushed to do something urgently with your cat, and you actually did a wise decision, all things considered. You could not know then what was going to happen later. You believed that you had no better choice at that time. Many times in my life, I did put human persons, family members, first before my animals, and did similar choices as you did, and now I feel that I did wrong in some of the cases. We need to help each other with our hurts. Your friend, Maureen My elderly cat died this morning...

.......and also, I do agree with the others, that the kennel person or persons did very wrong to kill your cat. They had no right to do that, and you did not know, when you took your cat there, that they would do that, or that you would not be able to keep up with the payments, etc. Also, you did say that did many many phone calls to try to find a person who take in your cat, at least temporarily, and everyone chose no. That is really sad. Maureen

Many of us have done things with pets earlier in our lives that we come to deeply regret, myself included. Don't ever forget this lesson and Garfield's death may not be in vain. Learn from it when you have any pets later on. You can't change the past. You can only do better in the future. Remember that our furkids are part of our families. Love them, protect them, and give them the life they deserve.