Its almost been 2 months since I lost Cody. I miss him so much everyday. My husband made a plaque for him, and gave it to me on Christmas Eve. It was a very hard holiday not having him around. We plan to plant a tree this summer for him and display his plaque by it. I have 2 weeks ready to go before the baby gets here, and all I think about is how hard its going to be coming home to show Cody his new baby sister and him not being here. I always wondered how he would react to a baby. I imangined them growing up together and when the baby could sleep in her own bed, Cody joining her. I know I did the right thing by letting him go. At least now I can accept that. The good news is that it truely does get better. I can now think of the good times with him and talk about him without balling. I am working on a photo Album with pictures of him that I look at alot, and I have his favorite toy displayed so I will always remember him. I think the hardest thing for me is when I hear a sad song that reminds me of him at work and I cry. I will never love another dog like I loved him, it will just be a different kind of love I guess. He was my first puppy and was my everything, but I do have another puppy who needs love too so I have to move on to help her adjust to life without our buba. Animals make life so much better, and bring so much joy to your life. Its just sad that you love them so much and they don't live as long as we do, so you tend to lose quite a few through your lifetime.

So to all of you who have just lost a pet, I am very sorry, but there is hope you will feel better someday. It is ok that you are upset, and look at pictures or whatever you have left of them to help you cope. One day you will be able to remember the good times and smile about them. We will see them all again someday.

It is going on four months for me.

I think the first month of grieving is just something you can't escape because your heart is broken and you miss them so much. It's hard letting go of the old routine. I keep asking myself how do I move on? I know I have to eventually... would it benefit my baby most for me to move on or continue crying and being stuck in grief?

(I wrote this to myself:) Maybe I should try to encourage him and care for him where he is now. He might need my love and support. I must be there for him no matter how hard it is for me. Maybe my grieving makes him feel like he lost ME. When I saw him in the physical I was there for him unconditionally, how about now? Love him as he is now, acknowledge that he IS WITH ME because if I keep feeling lost and separated how can my love be communicated to him?... I am communicating loss and separation. That would make him sad - he's waiting for me to feel better so he can be loved again - I like the thought that I can keep taking care of him.


"ImissToty" copied this poem in one of her posts. I wanted to copy it here again in case some of you missed it:

I Remember
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "Good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.
Author unknown

Thanks Angelbaby,

I'm starting to experience a weeny bit more peace in my day now, in between these endless tears and all the feelings of regret and sadness etc

I can relate to the point you made about our relationships entering a completely new phase. Now that my pain's subsiding a bit, I feel like I'm starting to be able to reconnect with my precious Toty again, but in a way that bypasses physical touch (which I still miss SO, SO much )

It's like our relationship is now entering a different level altogether - I won't be able to feel or smell the velvety softness of his coat or stroke his stubby tail any more :but he's still very much around in every other way, his presence is so strong it's almost tangible.

I'll need some time before I can elaborate on this any further...

Just keep receiving and enjoying all the love that your precious one is 'sending'...

Hugs,

Marlene

I really love that poem, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels the presence of my friend around me. Every night I sit on the spot where she spent her last hours, and I talk to her and tell her how much I miss her funny quirky habits. It's still hard to give the other cats their catnip knowing that Magic was really the catnip addict. I leave a little pile of catnip for her too. I'm sure she gets enough of her "habit" where she is now, but it makes me feel better to still share with her.