I'm not sure... I keep feeling so scared- what an awful thing- to decide what to do with the life... this life that brought me everything- so much happiness, so much love- completely unconditional- I love Leon with all my heart-

Did I do the right thing? He was only 7 years old- do dogs really get that bad of cancer at that age?? He was just a baby to me- of course, they are all our babies regardless of age, right? Were the vets honest?? I mean, they wouldn't want to put him to sleep unless it was necessary, right?

I'm home alone with strep throat- I wish I could just be well at least- so I can go to work, here I just cry and miss Leon- the reality settles in all too much. I was watching a movie in bed- and I found myself all curled up- where Leon would lay in the C curve of my legs. If I fell asleep, and accidentally kicked him- he'd jump off the bed and give me a little growl. I use to always want him there with me- so I would call him to come back up, to lay down in the bed with me... Today, I really felt he was there, but when I went to pet him- I was just flooded-- as if it had all just happened again- the guilt, the sadness... I just miss him so much! I can't believe he is gone... I want him to be at the Rainbow Bridge so badly- I want him to be playing with his friends, but -- I miss him so so much. I wish he had never been sick- I wish I would've waited to have more time with him, Instead I thought the surgery should be done- I was worried that the mass on his spleen would rupture and cause internal bleeding- But if I'd have slowed down... maybe he and I could've said goodbye better- maybe I could've just had more time to think...

Now I'm just left with thoughts, and nothing can bring back Leon... I am so sad without him.

How have you found peace in the decision? How have you been able to quiet all the questions, and thoughts??? All the guilt?

-Rebecca

Hi Rebecca,



Time and knowing that everything you did, you did out of your love for Leon.

It almost seems backward, but it seems like the more we love our furries, the more ways we find to blame ourselves, or to fuel the "if only" scenarios.

When my Qorqui was killed, in my mind, it was my fault because I went to work that day and wasn't there to protect her like I promised I'd always be. Oh... here come the tears again...

I go to work every day. How could I have known that that day my wife would leave Qorqui outdoors unattended? There's no way I could have known. But, that made no difference in my irrational reasoning. My mind knows that there was no way I could have known, and because of that, there was nothing I should have done differently. But, my heart says that I promised Qorqui that I'd protect her and I broke that promise..... more tears....

Over 9 months later and I still feel incredible guilt and sorrow whenever I allow myself to think about it. I know in my mind that I couldn't have predicted what was to happen. You'd think my heart would eventually get the clue... I think it slowly is.

I guess my point is, give it time. Your loss is still very new. You loved Leon. There is no doubt about that. You need to allow yourself to grieve. Unfortunately, guilt often seems to be part of that grief.

Take care of yourself,
Tim

Hi Rebecca. Your story is so similiar to my own. I sincerely feel for you laying there in your bed thinking of Leon. It is dangerous if I am alone at all.....I can't stop thinking of Parker and crying non stop for him. I, like you have feelings of regret and to be honest I don't know if anyone has no regrets. I admire you for taking quick action with Leon......would you want any less from your friend? If you were sick, you wouldn't expect him to sit around and wonder whether he should fix you or not.....you would expect and want him to take care of the problem asap. That is what you tried to do. He did have a short life, but it sounds like it was a great one. That is what I would want, all of my best days crammed into as much time as god allows. My Parker lived 13 years....but you know what, even that wasn't enough. It would never be enough, believe me. He had cancer at 10, and I prayed for just one more year.....I got 3, and it still wasn't enough. Parker, like Leon, was my happiness, my best friend and truly the light in my eyes. That light is gone, and I search for clues of him all the time, but what is left is just an empty spot on my bed and in my heart. Your story of Leon growling at you is a crack up because Park was the same way....he hated feet. So, when he laid on the bed with me I had to make sure not to touch him with my feet or else he would growl and get up. Then I had to make a fool of myself pretending to cry to get him back up in my arms again. So, this all may not make you feel better, obviously I have not reconciled my decision or Parker's death either. But I do know that he was here for a reason and so was Leon. We dishonor them to only cry when we think of them, they were our best friends and they took it as their job to cheer us up. Do you think Leon would want you depressed all the time? He would want you to live your life in his shadow. Think of some of your favorite character traits of Leon and try and integrate them into your character. It is hard, but that is what I am trying to do.......and praying everyday as you are, that he is at Rainbow bridge with his friends and swimming, playing and eating everything in site. Feel free to e-mail me on my personal e-mail anytime you want, it sounds like your feelings are very similiar to mine and I would love to do anything I can to help.

Parkers Mom,
Kerry

I think what you did was the ultimate act of kindness and love for Leon. No i dont think they would of wanted him put to sleep unless it was necessary at all. A vet would benefit more financially if a pet were able to live and be treated, so Im sure it was the right thing to do. I would give anything to be able to rub my dog just one more time and thought it would be good to have him longer but i had to be kind to him and take care of him even when it means doing the hardest thing i ever did, putting him to sleep. We decided that prolonging his death and causing him to feel pain for our benefit to spend more time with him wasnt the right choice for us. Dont feel guilt please. The love you showed Leon by your act of kindness is special thing.

Wow thank you so much for the insight- Kerry... I love that you had to pretend to cry to get Parker back in bed with you- isn't that just the way it is??? I am so sorry for your loss... It is so difficult- dogs are so different from people, and our relationships grow that much richer. You are so right, Leon would definately be upset to see me cry so much- I wrote him a letter last night to apologize for that, to tell him I am just sad, but to not let my crying worry him... Thanks so so much for the helpful words- I so appreciate them- Thanks to Qorkies (I may have spelled that wrong- sorry) dad too.. Thanks so much for understanding.

-Rebecca