It's been just three days since I lost the most constant friend I have ever had in my life, and already, so much about my existence since is strange and empty and many things I took for granted have changed irreversibly.

My family took Billy in, in March 1992, when he was four months old and I was 17. He had come from another home (not that it was much of a "home" for him, really) where he had been neglected emotionally, and had his whiskers cut off by cruel children. He was our second dog; our first, Olga, had passed away just weeks before at only three years old from an intestinal infection.

We hadn't been expecting to get another dog so soon. But my schoolfriend assisted at a small animal shelter, and she had called me earlier in the evening to say that a puppy had been taken in, but that there was no long-term space for him. And would we act as foster carers for a week or two until he could be found a permanent home?

I don't think I need tell anyone here that two weeks is more than enough to fall in love, especially with a gentle soul like our Billy. So he stayed, not for two weeks but for twelve years full of love and fun and laughs.

But he's gone now, and I am finding it so, so very hard to cope without him. He was my solace during depression, agoraphobia, unemployment, a disastrous relationship and, in the last few months, my mother's fight with cancer too.

And what makes me feel worse - if that is even possible - is that I had to make the decision to send him away for something which, if he'd been some years younger, would have been easily operable....a benign tumour on his back leg had grown so large that it broke through the skin and was becoming ulcerated. But as he was elderly, and had an enlarged heart, the vet didn't think he would survive an operation.

I know in my mind that what I decided was right. But I can't reconcile my mind with the whole of my heart, which misses Billy so much that it's in agony.

It's just too quiet in our living room now without his soft snores, or the jingles from his collar as he scratched his ear, or the scrape on the back door as he asked to be let in or out, or the clang of his water bowl to let us know that he was out of water.

I knew weekends would be the worst part; I can't sit down to a late-night movie when there's no fluffy body under my left leg. I just can't. Not when that's the way I've done things every Friday and Saturday night for a decade. If I tried, I'd just stare at the empty space behind the armchair where his bed was, instead of at the screen.

Ohhhhhh. Will any of this pain ever get better? Because right now, it feels like I'm struggling to stay alive inside.

I sympathise with you whole heartedly. Just one week ago I was waking up to the loneliest day of my life, as I had lost my beloved sheltie, Zipper. You have come to the right place to grieve. The people here are wonderful, and we all care (as you could tell by the posts). It was so hard at first for me, with out my little one, but night time was worse for me. My heart aches for you, you did the right thing. Billy's quality of life wasn't the same, and that is when you have to decided who you are trying to make happy. You or Billy. I know it's the toughest decision I ever had to make. But you will eventually feel like you did the right thing. I know you are lonely, and of course Billy was your best friend!! What a better person to tell all your hopes and dreams, all your fears, and to cry on all night long? Our furbabies are always there for us, and that is what makes us so lonely when they are gone. We are so used to being able to run to them and have someone to talk to, that when they are gone, we feel abandoned. Days will get easier....just keep posting here when you feel the need to talk to someone who understands (yesterday was Zips 1 week anniversary of being gone). My heart goes out for you, keep your head up!!! ----------------------Zippers mom

((((((((( big hugs to you ))))))))))))))
We all DO care here - and we've all been in the very same place you are right now, feeling the same type of unending pain. It sounds trite, but it really DOES get better with each passing day. For me, it's been 11 days since Delilah has been put down, I thought I was dealing with it pretty darn well - hadn't been crying in a few days, would talk about her without filling up. Then, last night, I looked in the basket next to my bed and BAM - the tears started falling again. I found a little tin of doggy mints that she loved. I had brought them home a few weeks ago to see if she'd like them, gave her a few and she inhaled them. Our other dog didn't like them. So I gave her a bunch and then tucked them away for "later" - I didn't want her to get sick by eating too many. Finding them again was like a blow to the stomach - knowing she'll never get to eat them again. It's very sad to me.
I'm very sorry to hear about Billy, we all know how deeply our pets embed themselves in our hearts and can really empathize with you right now. I don't know what else to say to comfort you. Just know that you can always come here to talk about him and we'll always listen. Please take care of yourself --
Lori

Thank you so much for your replies. It really does help to share tough feelings with people who are going through them too...

I have had a better afternoon. My older sister visited with armfuls of photo albums for us to look through. In the old days, she was the only person in our house with a camera, so she has possession of all of Billy's puppy photos. I smiled to remember what a sleek young chap he was My favourite photo is from 1995, of my dad sitting at the dining table, reading a magazine. Billy is sat neat and upright on the next chair, looking closely at something my dad's pointing out on the page.

I'm holding onto memories like that, and thousands more besides. I know that we gave Billy a long, happy and comfortable life, a million miles removed from the life he would have known with his wicked previous owners. And we got back so much love in return. And though it sounds odd because I'm not what you'd call religious, I know I'll see him again somewhere, because love this strong can't die.

I thought I'd show you a lovely photo of my boy. It was taken in 1997 at a studio, and he won a prize too! Here:

oh he is just gorgeous!
thank you for sharing that picture

=)
lori

Dear Leda:

I am sooo sorry for your loss of your beloved Billy.. For the pain that you have to go through -- it is horrible... Everyone here knows that feeling of a real "torn up & broken heart"....

I loved hearing that your family initially "planned" on keeping Billy as "foster parents" for a couple of weeks, which turned into an absolutely WONDERFUL 12 years, I'm sure that those 12 years were full of much unconditional love, friendship & kindness. It sounds as if the first four months of his young life were AWFUL... Billy was truly, a very lucky foster "furbaby".

My wonderful furbaby, "Ernestine" was put to sleep on 2/7/2004; she lived to be 19yrs & 10mos. I will always be extremely grateful for every day that we were together - her dad Ben joined us 3 years ago.

Your quote, "..... I had to make the decision to send him away.....". I, as well, felt that way, and wrote about it on this site. One of the wonderful people here said to me, "Denise, you took on Ernestine's pain, (by having her put to sleep), so that she finally would not be suffering anylonger"... I know it was certainly the right thing to do. She was in pain.

You surely did the right thing by your sweet Billy.. He is not suffering anymore. You had 12 beautiful years with your Billy (I know that you said even after 2 weeks, you'd fallen in love with Billy). It doesn't take long at all to "fall head over heels" with a beautiful furbaby........... And, twelve years SOUNDS like a long time, but it really isn't.....

I know that "everything changes"... You talked about the noises that aren't there anymore.. Or, that his fluffy body won't be under your leg when you watch a movie.

Yes, the pain does subside - not much at all in the beginning. I "lived" on this site, because I knew that everyone here had "gone through" or, was "going through" the exact same thing that I was. I was grateful because people helped me to make sense of everything. There were days that I just couldn't stop crying...I couldn't see because my eyes were so puffy. My heart felt like someone took a serrated knife & kept jabbing it into me...

I had lost my "best girlfriend", really. From age 23 to 43. But, looking back to 38 days ago, I think I took the smallest "baby steps" ..... Some days it was 3 steps forward, and 5 steps back. But, for me, with the help of LS and my boyfriend, after the initial week, things started to get a "bit beter", day by day.......

The photo you posted of Billy - what a HANDSOME & HAPPY boy he was !!!

I'm glad that you are holding on to your memories.... That is the one thing that I have always said, and, I've used it in different situations during my life.... "The one great thing about memories is that THEY CANNOT BE TAKEN AWAY.... they are YOURS TO KEEP".... My Ernie lives "in my heart and in my head".... I just need to think of her, look at one of her favorite toys, and she is right there !!!

You will see your sweet Billy again..... True love never dies.... You are totally right when you said, "A love this strong can't die....."

Love, Denise

p.s. keep coming to this site....For many days & nights, I'd just be mindlessly typing....not sure if what I was typing would make any sense at all. Everyone here as been so wonderful to me, and I will ALWAYS be very grateful!!

Dear Leda74,
Your Billy is beautiful. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Just keep posting here, there are so many people here who know how you are feeling and understand what you are going through. That really helps. I don't get here as much as I would like, and am sorry for my untimely replies. I feel for all who have lost their special friends. I really do. Hugs to all who want comfort.
LOL...not really a laughing matter...I am trying to put my best friend's picture as an avatar and have no idea how to do it. I feel like a dope. I am trying to figure out how to email tech support her picture so they can compress it for me so I can use it as a avatar. I am not a whiz at computers. Oh well.
Take care everyone.
Janice

I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved friend. What a handsome fellow he was!

I'm glad that you found this site. The people here are fantastic. Post often!

From what I've experienced, the accute stage of grief does get easier. I"m at 7 weeks yesterday, and there are good and bad times. When I first lost my dog I thought that I was losing my mind with grief.

Take care of yourself!