I'ts been 5 days since my cat Diapey died. My apartment is a total mess. But I don't want to vacuum because it will suck up her cat hair and I feel like it will be "erasing" her from ever being here. And I don't want to wash the blanket on top of my bed because I think that too will be wiping her away. If I wash the blanket and vacuum, what's left here of her?! Does anyone else feel like that?

I'm supposed to go on vacation with friends a week from tomorrow and I just don't think I'll be up for it. Should I make myself go? Any recommendations? If I don't go, how do I explain this to my friends without sounding like a crazy person?

And it really sucks to to wake up in the morning, and as soon as I open my eyes, my heart just sinks.
I don't even have to think about her; my heart is so heavy.

Thanks for listening again. And I am sorry to all those who have lost their pets too.
-Tammy

Hello Tammy--So sorry for your loss. It has been 5 days also since I lost my Mattie(dog). I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to vacuum or clean the bed. If I don't, then a part of her is still here--at least a part that I can actually see. And I don't want her to look down and see that I can just brush her away so fast, cuz I can't.
As far as going on vacation, I think I would try to go----maybe it will help, just getting out of the house. Your Diapey will always be with you wherever you are.
--Mary

Tomorrow it will have been a week since my little sweetness Spicey died. I still haven't vacuumed or cleaned anything in the room that she peacefully passed in. I can't bring myself to do it yet. i will try again this weekend.
Collect a wad of the left over hair and if you have a dreamcatcher (if not perhaps buy one or something you like) and glue a little bit of the hair onto it. My mom gave me a native handcrafted 'spirit chime' two years ago after my Zody died and it is one that is in honour of animals that have passed before us. A little lock of Zody's hair is attached to it and on Wednesday night I attached a lock of Spicey's hair, somehow it is comforting to honour their memory. I jingle the chimes every so often (when a bell rings an angel gets its wings) and think of them and send them love.
Please go on your vacation, it might help a little bit and know that the love never dies and your kitty's spirit is always with you no matter where you go.

I did not want to vacuum for a long time after losing Cosmo, and I still haven't washed his blanket or the towel I was putting in the dryer and using to keep him warm. I know it feels like we would be "erasing" him from our home. It may take a while, but someday you will have to vacuum. You could keep the blanket unwashed for a while though, and snuggle with it whenever things are tough, which is daily. I cover up with Cosmo's blanket whenever I'm missing him bad, and it helps me to think that he is comforting me. Sometimes, I will fold it up and lay with it next to me, since I can't hold him anymore. I have also put the towel over my pillow and slept on it almost every night. Crazy and dirty? Maybe, but who cares!
As far as vacation goes, it might help to go, but if you don't really think you'll be able to have a good time, then tell your friends the truth. If they really love you, they won't think you're "crazy", just mourning. Whatever you decide, do not apologize for it, I know alot of people do not understand the depth of furbaby loss, but that doesn't change how you feel. As for me, it took me 2 months just to go to a movie, and I still cried while I was there even though it was an action type film. I also felt guilty on the way home, because I did have a pretty good time, and it was the first "good time" I had had since losing my Cosmo. However, I was glad that I went, since it was Cosmo's 2 month mark that day ( and I had also lost one of my pet mice 2 days before) I was happy that I didn't stay home and wallow in my grief. I had plenty of time to do that when I got back.
I hope this helps you with your decision.
Peace, Love, and Prayers,
Michelle

My goodness Tammy, this is exactly how I felt too after my Jake passed on -- I absolutely did NOT want to vacuum for the longest time! I didn't want the days to pass either, I wanted to stay as close to the day when Jake was alive as I could and every day that passed, every revolution of this earth, took me furthur away from him and I hated it.

You probably don't know my story but my Jake had a seizure, out of the blue, completely unexpected, that caused major brain damage and he died within a week. After he died I had the strongest urge to get down on my hands and knees and examine the carpet by the window where he fell and had the seizure, as if expecting to find part of him there or something. I am not ashamed to admit I gave in to the urge, it was overwhelming so I did it, I looked and looked everywhere he had usually liked to lay too... over time all of my strange urges passed. I did finally start vacuuming again, but hey, not until I felt like it, I didn't care what anybody thought either! Nobody really cares anyway, and it's your life, so do what you have to do.

grief makes you a little crazy at first, but that's ok, its just part of the process.

Tammy, I know exactly what you are talking about. My kitty Devon died one month ago on Saturday (August 20). I am still so devestated by her loss I really don't know what to do. I go through the motions of living. It took me over 2 weeks to empty her food and water bowls and to even dispose of her litter box. I didn't wash my sheets for 3 weeks because I couldn't stand the thought that she would no longer be on my bed.
I buried her in the blanket she liked to sleep on (sometimes I am sorry about that because I really would love to have it), but I have not removed the throw on the back of the loveseat where she loved to lay. You can still see the indentation in the pillow. There is hair on the throw and I find myself touching it every day. Also, she was put to sleep on July 20. I was with her and held her. The shirt I had on is covered in her hair. I will NEVER wash this shirt.
I really don't know how long it will take to get through this. She was my only pet and my children are grown so I am alone. Maybe that is making it harder.
Just know, Tammy, that we all know how you are feeling and you are in my thoughts. This site has been my saviour. I honestly don't think I could have gotten through as well as I have if I was not on here every day.
Love,
Julie

Hi Tammy,
I was the opposite. I had almost went on an immediate cleaning spree of my home. After Odin died, Loki was constantly searching the house looking for his brother. It was heart wrenching to watch him do this because it was non-stop. I think I waited a little over a week before I started to wipe furniture down and try to get rid of Odin's scent. It wasn't until after I did I think that that Loki realized that his brother wasn't coming back, which has helped both of us move on. I still have a blanket with Odin's scent and his collar and a clipping of his fur that I took from him the last time that I saw him which I will always keep.

I saw the cleaning as a way to get rid of all the "bad luck" that was inflicted on us. Among other things, my husband was hospitalized last month and two weeks after that Odin died. I had wanted to create a "spirit-friendly" environment and bring in the positive forces that would help us. I believe that the body is just a shell and that it's the spirit or energy that remains that matters. I know Odin is still there with us. I still feel him with me sometimes. I have his ashes in the house looking out his favorite window, which I know that he would approve of. Its hard when you desperately want something to hold onto. Sometimes memories and photos aren't enough. I know I get like that sometimes myself. You need to do what you think is best for youself, only when you are ready though.

Take Care,
Cynthia

Five days since my friend Max died. We did not want to vacuum or change his bedding or disturb in any way his toys and treasures hidden around the house. We decided to move his things and clean his favorite reclining areas only because our other two cats are looking for him, sniifing and pawing and meowing for their buddy. One is very depressed and won't eat and barely moves away from where he and Max dozed in the sun. We've channelled our energy into spending more time with them. But no, we did not want to clean or vacuum anything ...we "hand" vacuumed the carpet to gather some of Maxs' orange fur to keep. You and Diapey are in our prayers.

Tammy -

I'm so sorry for your loss.....I believe more people than you might think can relate to not wanting to vacuum right away....at least I can....After Magee passed away I waited about 2 weeks before I could bring myself to vacuum...even though she was a golden retriever w/PLENTY of hair I knew I had to do it...but her bed on the other hand is a different story...I never washed it and never plan to...I simply put it in the back of our closet...because i can still smell her on it, so that is something I never want to wash...and if we were to get another dog, I would simply get a new bed...that was Magee's bed and hers only.
As far as your vacation plans, if I were you I would go...I know I started to feel guilty when I wasn't consumed 24/7 with thoughts of Magee, but it made the days "a little" easier when I spent them w/friends and family...I would give it a try....if it's really bad, maybe you can just go home early
Take each day one at a time....Jen

It took me about a month to vacuum... I just couldn't do it before then. I tried and tried, and I get out the vacuum, and end up on the floor sobbing that I just couldn't do it! I ended up taking some of the fur I found and putting it inside a locket that I wear. In some ways that helped, because he's now always next to my heart and I have that little piece of him. Don't push yourself... it's a normal reaction that many of us went through...
Jenn

Hey, I am really surprised how many people feel this way about vacuuming after a loved pet dies, I thought I was the only one, really! It's funny how something that was so annoying when they were living becomes so precious (pet hair everywhere..)

About going on vacation: we had a trip already planned for out-of-town when Jake died, and we went, it was about a month after. I found I still grieved for him just as much, being in a different geographical location didn't change anything. I was ok during the day when we were out doing things but as soon as we got back to our hotel room I just felt like crying again... which was ok because it was only me and my husband and we both felt sad.

so I'd say it's up to you. Do you think your friends would understand at all, or is this supposed to be a party trip for them? how much money is involved if you change your plans? etc. If you are going to see family or be around friends who understand, I'd say go, but if it's supposed to be a 'party' trip and they won't understand, I would probably pass until you are feeling better. You are still very early on in the whole process, you need to cry when you feel it coming.

First, I want to thank the "Vacuum supporters" - it does make me feel better that so many of you felt the same way.And taking some hair is a good idea - i like the dream catcher idea too.

j4lorn,
Like you stated in your 1st posting, I'm also having problems with each day passing and me getting farther away from her, I hate it and it makes me so very very sad.

And, yes, it is supposed to be a "party" trip - someone's 30th birthday (I'm older than that) - I think there's 8 people going. We're going to Reno & Tahoe. If I canceled, I'm only out the plane ticket.
And finances are a big thing too now. My spending money (and then some) went to the vets and the cremation; I think we all are familiar with how expensive things can get. So everything would be put on a credit card, which I don't really want. One of my friends said to ask the vet if I could do a payment plan, but I don't want to do that either; maybe it's a part of closure - to tie up the loose ends of the vet bill?
Also, I'm in school and the quarter is almost over and big papers are due. I lost last weekend because I was too upset to keep up with my assignments. And my missing 3 days of work last week, well, the work was waiting for me when I came back, which means I will have to work this weekend to catch up. I haven't picked up her ashes yet because I'm also having a headstone made. I live in an apartment so I want to keep her with me until I buy a place and have somewhere to bury her. It should be ready this weekend or next. So I'm sure the floodgates of pain and tears will start all over when I pick her up - it'll be like day 1. And I wont get much done that day.It's like everything is in slow motion now at work and with school and it takes me 3 times as long to do anything, and half the time I can't remember what I was going to do.
In saying all this, I feel like I am just trying to think up excuses to make. Am I?
The thought of going out and "partying" - I just don't know.
This may be silly to say, but what if I have a few beers, which makes me tipsy (I never drink so I'm a lightweight), and I start thinking about her? and I get upset? I know I'll think about her at night, in the morning no matter what, and these are the hardest times for me right now. And if I don't drink, will I even have any fun hanging out with a bunch of people drinking alot? Will I feel alone?
Maybe I will feel differently in a few days, but given how bad I still feel, I doubt it.

I would be less inclined to back out if it were a family trip, or just a relaxing vacation, but this one is definitely meant for partying.

Thanks for listening yet again. Any comments are welcome...

-Tammy

Tammy, I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, I do think you should go. You deserve to reward yourself and even though it doesnt seem like it right now, you might have a good time. You can still think about your precious fur-baby while you're there, but also try to enjoy yourself on vacation.

As for vacuuming (sp?), just do it when you're ready and not a moment sooner. I didnt vac%% for three weeks after Jack passed. I'm still finding his hair around the house, which after 7 weeks now makes me smile instead of breaking down in tears. There is a constant reminder of him in my carpet and plastered on our walls...

Just take your time and dont do anything because you feel like you "have to"...just go at your own pace.

Take care,

Dawn

I feel the same. I've washed one cover of one dog bed and just this morning picked up the towels and sheets I'd laid down over my persian rug to protect them while he was sick. The bed that my daughter forbade me to wash has been moving every night, but less so each night. The first night, it moved to the middle of the hallway and there was a clear indentation as though he'd laid there which was not there when we went to bed. Now, every morning, I slide it over against the wall like I did every morning he was alive and every night, it manages to move to the center of the hallway but there's been no indentation since that first night. We haven't "heard" him in a day or two either, so maybe he's having too much fun out and about and is just "crashing" here in his old familiar place at night. Maybe to watch over us.

I haven't even cleaned his kennel that has dried vomit foam in it. I know it's gross but it doesn't smell or anything and I just can't yet. The room where he was forced to chew his rawhide still has the remnants stuck to the rug, don't want to remove those either. I washed his leash and collar. I'll probably have a memory frame made with his picture and the leash surrounding it, I think that'd be nice. My mother in law left her husband's pajamas hanging on their hook for over 6 months when her husband died, I figure I'm entitled to leave a few things around for a while after a 10 year love affair. Thinking about removing them makes me sad.

it's not gross. I still cant bring myself to clean up the vomit in my closet; it doesn't stink either because I had picked up what I could and then poured stuff on it to let it soak . But I just can't do it yet.

-Tammy

Hi all,
I know what you mean about not being able to vacuum.
Dixie wasn't a shedder because I kept her shaved pretty short, but there are memories that
I have not been able to erase.
On the trip to the vet as Dixie was dying, Dixie left bloody paw prints and other traces of blood in the back
of my car. It is so painful to look at, yet I don't feel right cleaning it up (it's all dried now).
So for now, I have put a sheet over it. Oh God, here come the tears.....
I want my dog back!!!!

I'm with you on the not wanting to vacuum. What's really gross is that I haven't even washed our bedding, partly because I don't want to lose any of her hair, and partly because it was Maxwell's favorite part of the week when I would re-make the bed with everything out of the dryer. She acted like it was a field of catnip and just went crazy! It's been one week today, and I'm still not ready. Take your time, do it when you think you can handle it.

I just washed the blanket on the bed for the first time last week, and it was only because the new kitty barfed on it 2 or 3 times. Of course when I put it back on the bed after I washed it I was crying.

I cannot vacuum - I wear the same pants over and over that I wore the last time I held CC - his Angora hairs still cling to my black denim ~ I lay on the floor where he used to rest and weep ~ this is so hard ~ I just want my baby back ~ my hugger bug ~ Thanks for listening ~ I am bereft ~ trying to work the weekend here at my desk but keep seeing images in my heart and mind of empty space and a little pink nose that I will never feel against my face again ~

In Sincere Caring and Consumed with my own sadness ~ Kathryn

My wife and I had the same conversation about this.

We are heartbroken and sick.

We know that life goes on and we have been trying to save everything we can. Bella was cremated and is now with us at home. We found a very nice wooden box with antique metal trim and a matching lock--it just looks like Bella. We also have her toys, collar, harness and her meds from when she was sick. Those items will go into the box with her ashes when we get the plaque with her name, date of birth, date of departure. Don't worry, Bella's ashes are in a sealed plastic baggie.

We have swept and vacuumed the house. I cleaned my car this weekend and vacuumed, but there is still a hair here and there. I even put one on my dashboard and it has not moved, even with the windows down. I cleaned the inside and outside of the windows of the car. There was an area on the front passenger's side window where Bella left smudges from her nose. I wiped them away and had to acknowledge that I had to move on past some reminders, they are just too painful.

We left her nose smudges on our sliding glass door that leads to the back yard. We will never be able to clean that glass. No way.

I have her red aluminum rabies vaccination tag on my key chain. It is in the shape of a heart, for me that is a better daily reminder of how much we loved her and she loved us.

We have washed the blankets that Bella loved to lay on and be covered with. That was difficult. The one we took with us to the vet to wrap her in when we had to put her to sleep has been washed. It had been soiled. It is now clean and we use it everyday.

I guess I am trying to give examples of when we knew it was time for these things to eventually happen. You will know when it is time, please do not beat yourself up when you do it. Even if you don't do it, you will know it is right. They will live on forever in our memories. I had always thought that cliche was silly. I now understand.

Mommy and Daddy miss you Bella, rest easy babygirl.......

It's been five months since T-bird died and I'm still finding feathers everywhere. For the first three months I was absolutely unable to wipe up the little messes she left--she liked to fly to her play area with a piece of fruit in her beak. She'd eat her fruit on the windowsill then wipe her beak in the same spot. The little smudges began to gather dust and still, I left them. I cleaned the windowsill last month only when it had gotten covered with dust and pine pollen. It was a painful experience but I did it anyway. At the same time there was a feeling of "looking forward" when I did it. There's still a smear on the top of the shower door that hasn't worn off. I found a poop on the washroom floor yesterday that I'd over looked. I didn't clean it up. I'm still learning to let go. I have a feeling it's going to take a while.

Finding her feathers hurts. I clean them off and put them in a special bowl that has a few hundred more in it. Her shed feathers were so pretty I saved them her whole life. She had about ten different shades of green on her body. Her head was bronze/blue, depending on the light. Strangely, she had three very small orange feathers directly above her nostrils. I used to call her "mutant" in an endearing way. I'd never heard of a Dusky Conure with orange head feathers!

It's so hard to let go. I feel for you, Tammy.

All three of my dogs have died at home, and for a long time after Howie died (10 years ago) I didn't wash the favorite blanket he often slept on or under. He was laying on it when he died. It was a fleece couch throw. I decided not to bury him with it (I had several other blankets to choose from) and instead I saved it for Penny, his companion, and me. Eventually I did wash it. Four years later Penny died and once again I kept the blanket. My dogs Rudy and especially Sophie and cat Edna liked the blanket too. Rudy died 6 weeks ago tomorrow and Sophie still uses the blanket. I am still pretty grief stricken from Rudy's death - he was 10 and had cancer. He was such a joyful dog, I so miss his sparkle. But I am starting to heal. I have adopted a puppy, Sam, and he seems to like the blanket too. This blanket is so special to me. In the winter I snuggle under it on the couch (if it has not already been claimed by another animal :-). I view it sort of like what we might consider a family heirloom - a precious keepsake antique that is being passed along from one dog to the next.
Gina