To All, I thought I was doing so well with healing and forgiveness ~ then last night on the way home from dinner with my friend ~ I stab of guilt hit me like a knife through my heart ~ My friend was telling me that Amber ate her food fine when I was gone over St Pats day ~ it was a passing comment ~ but I couldn't get past it ~ Now this morning the guilt is overwhelming ~ I am having trouble remembering what the Vet said to me on the "last day" ~ what I thought at the time ~ why we made "the decision" ~ What I do know is that my Vet is a kind and caring man and he was crying when he showed me Amber's final lab results ~ and that she was in the final stages of kidney failure ~ and that we would only be delaying the inevitable "decision" to be faced a week from then ~ or a month from then ~ But these symptoms came as sudden onset ~ within 7 days she stopped eating and drinking ~ and retreated to the farthest corner under the bed ~ not wanting to come out ~ her last day she did ~ she crawled up on her pillow and we stayed in bed together for 48Amber hours ~ but she would not eat or drink and her body even after re-hydration at the Vets continued to dehydrate and she was down to 5 pounds ~ she couldn't really see much anymore or hear ~ I am beset with guilt ~ but I also remember being determined that her little body was not going to suffer anymore ~ she was so weak the last week hardly able to stand without wobbling ~ I am getting these images now like a waterfall ~ I feel so discouraged and sad that there is not more that we can do for them when their kidneys fail ~ I feel so sick with guilt This all happened so quickly over a week ~ just going steadily down ~ Yet the rational part of my mind tells me I loved her more than my own life itself and deep down I would have done anything if I thought it would have made her life better ~ we were just at the end together ~ Me and Ambie and the Doctor who treated her so like the Princess she was and is - right to the end ~ Please help me I feel so empty and sad ~I just have been sobbing with regret today ~ Kathryn, Angel Amber and C.C.

I know about guilt and sorrow. I can feel the same pain you do. To lose someone who was so precious in our lives is devastating. I spent the early morning hours feeling blue and empty, looking at some pictures of Ollie from previous years.My wife Paulina is taking it so hard.It makes our lives feel worthless, go on to a future of what? We will have to live differently; Ollie has shone into our lives.When we love greatly, we hurt when we lose that love. The guilt punishes us and the bitterness and grieving makes it difficult to be kind to ourselves. Others can comfort us and forgive us Knowing we are human and fallible. The hard part is to forgive ourselves.Can we not go on and be better beings ? Our pets have made this a better world. My daughter Alice has cats and she understands our loss. She had taken in a stray cat who she was willing to give a home to. But it was constantly peeing in the apartment; Alice had another male there also. It was a very trying time for her .She tried to get help from the spca to place this cat but they would do nothing except put the cat down. This was an organization that Alice volunteered for and supported .She said that she was at her wit's end to know what to do. She finally got in touch with a lady at the humane society who promised to find a home for the cat. This lady thought it was a dominence issue between cats and would find a new home, a home with a yard. Hope it works out. Sorry for rambling, it helps me cope.

Tory

Oh yes, the guilt. I cant go into why my guilt is there because I have come to the point that I just dont talk about it anymore. And I can push it from my mind In a nutshell....I couldn't go be with my boy in his finial moments. I cant explain it but I cant do goodbyes it is a very weak point for me. But like you my logic tells me how much I loved Moose, and I would have never done anything to harm him. And coming here helped me to understand that accidents happen, it is just part of being on this earth. Accidents will always happen here. That decision we have had to make cant be done with a light heart, it rips the heart and soul of ourselves.
This may sound weird but I grieve for the girl who lost her Moose and she was so devastated she couldn't even get off the couch for 4 months....and when she did....she had lost everything. When I think back of those feelings I felt in the beginning...I grieve also for myself. Because of that deep gut wrenching sting of death.
But like you have stated that caught my attention is that we find a place in our hearts to tuck them away in love and honor. I have Moose tucked away in my soul, but I am still so tender and it doesn't take much for it to come to the surface.
We find a place to tuck that guilt also, this journey is such a personal one in so many ways, but yet the feelings....we all share. Pamela

Sometimes there are days when the pain hits us afresh again and it is like being right back to square one.

I am so sorry you are suffering so very badly today. I know your baby meant the world to you and has been such a precious and loving companion to you.

In your heart you know you did the right thing for her. There was no where left to go except to gently and compassionately end her suffering. You took on the pain of living without her so that she would no longer suffer. A true and selfless act.

If you could talk to her in your heart or in your mind, she would tell you the same and love you for helping her pass to the world of angels gently and peacefully.

Bless Beautiful and Much Love Amber

with love
jilly

*hugs*
Although my situation was not the same as yours, I wanted to extend my support. Because who knows, someday perhaps I"ll be faced with that decision, and I will remember all the people here who shared their feelings and hopefully it will help me should I ever need it.
I do believe from all you've said, that you helped her move on. It sounds like she was trying to fight it so hard, but just couldnt' anymore. You gave her such a selfless gift. You would never want to extend her suffering just to have her around, and you didn't. You loved her so much and she knew it. And now she's with you forever, watching over.
Thinking of you.....

I feel your pain right now because it is so much like my own. I thank you for taking the time to console me during my grieving of my girl Ayla after such a recent loss of your much loved Amber.

I am so glad you have such a caring vet vet and I did too. This was very important to me but the day we had to say goodbye...I really don't know how I got through it. I felt like I was spinning out of control and when I got up that morning and saw my husband feeding her and she could barely pull herself up off the floor to eat, I thought I would die. She was such a fighter and she too failed so quickly that last week and I couldn't bear to see her like that anymore. She didn't even want me to touch her and I wanted to hold her and be with her the night before but she just felt so bad that I didn't bother her. I had to numb myself with wine to get to sleep.

Oh, I am sorry, I'm probably just making you feel worse. We have to be thankful for all the many wonderful years that we got to love and spoil and care for them. You did the right thing and I know I did too. We just have to get through it somehow and with the help of all of the wonderful people on this site we will do it.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Kimi

Thanks to all who have posted replies here ~ it has helped my heart to heal a bit more. I have read and re-read the words over the past 2 days ~ this is so sad to me and tragic that there is nothing they could have done for my little sweetie ~ I tried so hard to give her the best days that she could have ~ I used to give her body massages and used to warm her bones with the blow dryer on low ~ she loved that ~ I can still hear her purring ~ such a dear soul and steady as they come ~ I miss her terribly ~ my heart is aching ~ your kind and helpful words keep the shadows not so long and dark ~ Blessings and Peace ~ Kathryn

Dear Luv My Catz,

My heart goes out to you in your loss of precious Amber. We just lost our little old boy, Zane. Everything had just shut down on him and he just peacefully (and quickly) passed away. We rescued Zane when he was about 10 months old. We found him scrounging for food in the dumpster in the apartment complex where we lived. when we moved into the place we're in now, we took him with us. He'd been one of our special family members for nearly 18 years!

I wish they would live as long as we do, but they don't. I think their brief lives teach us to savor and cherish every moment we have here. If you would like to read a truly wonderful book that will help you get through the grieving process, get yourself a copy of Animals as Teachers and Healers by Susan Chernak McElroy. Her, "Animals as Guides for the Soul" is a sequel. She's a gifted writer and animal lover.

Try not to allow guilt to keep you from healing. Guilt is our enemy. You did everything humanly possible to extend Amber's life. Sometimes we just have to let go. It's their time to move on and although it rips our heart out and we honestly believe we can't go on, we do.

There are so many needy, wonderful cats and kittens at shelters and pounds, advertised in newspapers and on bulletin boards, arrayed in cage after cage at pet stores like Petco and Petsmart--all desperate for a loving guardian. When you are ready to let yourself love another, a special little cat or kitten will poke their paw through one of those cages and give you the look that says, "Here I am! I'm ready to go home with you!

I have a deaf cat too, a former "feral" kitten. She won't let me pick her up or be affectionate to her. She's so distant and afraid most of the time. I love her still and won't ever give up trying to teach her to trust me. One day she will.

God bless you dear. May He grant you the peace that passes all understanding and heal your broken heart one day at a time.

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~

Hi Kathryn, The guilt is so terrible to try to get past since we all feel we should have done things differently. I have seen many here who felt guilty that they put there baby to sleep to soon. Then there are people like me who waited to long and my Snookie passed away on her own. I wanted her own vet to help her leave this world but it was the Christmas holiday. I told her to just hold on way more day but she couldn't. I had to have Chili Bean put to sleep and I feel guilty that I told her she would be ok. I guess it is a no win situation and the guilt with always be there for most of us. All we can do is tell ourselves we are human and we did what we did out of love. Your sweet Amber knew without a doubt you loved her with all your heart.
Love, Ann

I'm going through the same post-euthanasia questions too. Suddenly I'm thinking I could've done something else, despite the vet's grim prognosis. What hurts most about it, is I cant go back in time and think for one minute longer...try to find even the smallest path through the thick forest of pain and suffering. Now I'm left with the empty space in my heart, an empty cage and an empty home. Our rabbit's cage used to sit on a stand right next to this very computer I'm using. I've placed a candle & picture of our bunny right there on the stand, so that although she's not here in body she'll be here in spirit. I light the candle at night and say a prayer to Dora to keep a star lit for me and to watch over the other creatures and children taken before their time. This ritual thus far, has helped take the edge off my pain.
It's still fresh in my mind but I feel better going on this way.

I too have a candle for Amber and on her "table" a vase of flowers and her photos ~ and soft music plays ~ in "her room" ~ ritual is a way of honoring and dignifying what they have experienced ~ and the love ~ it is also true that the very love that we have developed and nurtured with our dear pets is the same love that guided us to help them along the path of moving from their earthly lives enveloped with a cloud of pink and gold love that will bind us together now and forever more ~ I am still so sad ~ but knowing that I have protected Ambie from a slow and painful end ~ where she would have suffered and cried out in pain ~ is something that is gradually soothing my heart ~ yet the path is still difficult and shadowed with sadness ~ thankfully I have a place to be ~ and in time I hope that I will find meaning in a now unfamiliar and strange journey ~ Sincere Comforts and Hopes for Peacefulness Ahead ~ Kathryn