The death of our beloved babies not only almost destroys our hearts and souls but also can do harm to our physical well being too. A lot of us find it hard to eat much when we are so devastated and depressed. Had I gone to the doctor when I first got sick it may not have become this bad. So if you all get sick rush to your doctor before it overtakes your body. Now I have been dealing with both grief and sickness.

I have lost 30 pounds since my sweet baby girl died the day after Christmas. I became more ill by the day and I knew I needed to go to the doctor but I kept thinking it would all go away when the pain from losing Snookie eased up. Or maybe I had some secret desire to go be with her. I started having dizzy spells, my ears, chest, throat, back, neck, bones and everything hurt. I may have never gone to the doctor but my precious grand daughter asked me if I was going to die like Snookie and Chili Bean did. So Friday the 4th on what would have been Snookie's 11th birthday I gave in and went to see the doctor.

The doctor gave me a shot and called in some medications to fight the infection. He said my body was run down and losing that much weight in a short time made me weak and allowed the infection to spread. I even have kidney infection and my blood pressure was only 80/52. I am feeling better now with the medication and he also gave me nerve pills.

For some reason I am crying as much as I did when I first lost my Snookie. I don't think I like taking nerve pills if they make it harder to control my emotions. I thought they were used to calm you down, not to make you feel more sad. I have not been able to stop the tears for very long at a time since I started taking the nerve pills.

My husband and I went out to eat this afternoon we did not to to Pipers where we usually eat. We stayed closer into town. Then we were seated I looked across the street to one of the places Snookie and I used to work. I could not control the tears as I thought of all the days and hours my girl and I spent together over there.

So there I sit in a public place while the tears rolled down my face. My poor husband sit there with tears in his eyes and said he felt so bad for me he said he wished he could take my pain away. Just when I think I am learning to live with this pain it hits with a new wave of pain over and over again.
Ann

Ann,

If I were there I would give you a big hug. I am so sorry that you are feeling so terrible. But I glad you went to the doctor and got something before you got any sicker. I know Snookie would not want you to be sick and not take care of yourself.

I know what you mean about the crying. Just the slightest thing sets me off. My husband made me go out to dinner last night and I really did not want to. Like you, I just don't have much of an appetite.

I think each of us has a grief period we have to go through and the crying is just part of it. It is better to cry I think than to internalize it. I know you are having a really hard time with this and I wish there was something I could do for you. I do understand how you feel. I hardly got out of bed Sunday because I just felt so terrible.

Take care of yourself!

Nancy (Sasha's Mom)

Hi Ann,

I'm glad that you went to the doctor. You have to try and take it easy.

I got pretty messed up too after Luba died. I lost 18 pounds, and did not sleep AT ALL without taking some kind of sedative for weeks on end. Even with the meds I was lucky to catch 5 hours.

The result: very bad migrains (complete with vision loss, confusion, nausea, light sensitivity etc), I'd had them before, but never as badly. I also had, and continue to battle wildy irregular heartbeats. Although now it's not as bad as it was I don't know if it's anxiety or what. I think if it persist I have to go to the doctor too.

Anyways, sorry to go off on a tangent about my own health. I guess grief can really do damage.

Think of your babies, they would want you to fight to stay well!

Ann,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to fight physical illness along with your heartache. I'm very glad to hear that you went to the doctor...hopefully the antibiotics will help quickly. Sometimes blood pressure medications or nerve medications can cause some emotional sensitivity so they probably are affecting you in that way. Please, please, PLEASE check with your doctor before stopping them though....sometimes they are used to help with low blood pressure problems. Your blood pressure is low because you are sick, and emotionally low, and not eating, sleeping, or exercising properly but the nerve meds might be balancing that out for you. (Of course it depends on what you are taking......) You CAN cause damage to your heart by starting and stopping some medications without tapering the dosage...just check with your doc first ok?

It must have broken your heart all over again to hear your grand daughter ask if you were going to die like Snookie and Chili Bean.....I know it's hard but try to take care of yourself for her (and for the rest of your wonderful family).

I'm so sad for you Ann....your pain, your heartache makes me cry. I wish there was something I could do for you.....{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}

Hang in there and GET WELL.
Kristie

Dearest Ann:

I love you.... We all love you and your husband Clair.......

I feel sooooooo very, very sad that you are not doing well!!!!!

You..........Ann, are helping SO MANY, MANY OTHER PEOPLE HERE ON LS............
You need to take care of yourself, my dear......

Please!!!!!!

Your sweet Snookie wouldn't want her mommy to be ill, or not feeling well.....

Please, speak with your doctor, and find out if you are on: Tranquilizers, or if you are
on: anti-depressants......
Both are different, and the resulting effects are different.....

In light of your feeling soooooooo lousy Ann, you help so many people here at LS....
Please, take care of yourself FIRST.....
You come first, here............
Not Lightning-Strike, okay.....

You, my sweet friend, need to make sure that You Feel Okay, First.....before you can
help others...........

I for one, want you to feel better........

God Bless You and Yours, Ann...

I care about you, and, I love you....

Love, Denise xo

It is so true about what grief can do to us. I remember laying on the couch day in and day out. I could not eat, I had to take something to sleep, I got huge pimples on my face from my body stressing. It was 12 weeks before I even attempted to put a little makeup on. I fell to the floor many times with the grief unbarable. But then I had to force myself to start putting one foot in front of the other and I do mean force. That is what we have to do sometimes. Love, Pamela

Dear Ann,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling so awful. I sure hope the meds help you and you feel better soon. Please know that you're not making this journey alone. We're all with you. You are such a kind and caring person. Take care of yourself.

Love,
Lynn