My cousin brought her to me on Christmas Eve 1994. She was just barely weaned and the cutest little thing. She had something wrong with her tail so that when she was happy it didn't stand up like most cats, but flopped over her back so the tip would be on top of her head. She was so tiny. I named her Nothing, because she weighed nearly nothing, and I was reading a book with a character named Nothing.
She was so quiet and sweet, and had a little croak of a meow.
She had the loudest purr I have ever heard. It didnt rumble, it ... trilled... it was nearly musical. She had the roughest tongue of any cat I've ever had or known, and loved to lick my fingers while I sat trying to type here at the computer. She liked when I'd cradle her like a baby and rub her tummy. When I'd try to pull my hand away she'd wrap both her front paws around and pull it back. She'd lick my fingers and I'd rub under her chin, to wash what she couldnt reach. I don't know how we started this. Shed lick, then stop and I'd rub her chin, then she'd lick again and I'd get the top of her head, and so on. Every night when my husband and I got into bed, she would jump up on my side and wait for me to get comfy and id put a hand down for her, and she'd lay down and cover it with her paws. I could go on and on about her.
She died just a few short hours ago.
Se had a tumor removed back in June. The vet told me it was cancer. She seemed to be doing fairly well and after the fur covered up the big scar, it was as if she was all better. Recently she had lost some weight, but still seemed spry and happy.
She was under my feet as always this morning. Then late this afternoon as I sat here doing some online stuff, my sister ran in yelling. "Nothings DEAD!"
I ran into her bathroom and she was laying there. I wailed. I screamed, I was so overcome I didnt even have any tears.
I called a pet crematory 30 miles away. I had always planned to have her cremated. We wrapped her in blankets and rushed out there. The nice man on the phone assured me he'd take care of her. He asked me to call when we were almost there because the last bit of the directions were a litte hard and the place was easy to miss at night. I called after driving nearly an hour there (traffic) and he never answered. We drove in circles looking for the place and never found it.
I was angry and horribly sad. I didn't want my baby laying out in the back of the car til tomorrow. We parked and called a few more times. I left messages. We ended up buying a huge bag of ice because we thought she'd have to wait til tomorrow. I cried all the way home trying to drive. I called around to the 24 hour emergency pet hospitals and finally was able to leave my little girl somewhere decent. Now I am home and the other girls are looking as lost as I feel. Even though I'm typing this I keep expecting to see her in her favorite spot near the bed. I can't stop crying and I don't know how I can sleep tonight without her there to purr me to sleep.
I miss her so much already and its only been a few hours.
This is my first experience with this.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Hello!

Hi!... My name is Denise (Muffins), and I just came on site, and saw your post......

Reading your post...........I am so very, very sorry about the passing of your sweet, precious furbaby..........



I am soooooooooooo TERRIBLY SORRY that the person you spoke with, never ANSWERED THE PHONE, AS YOU WERE CLOSE TO THE PLACE......
That makes me so very, very mad and very SAD!!!!!



This feeling is sooooooo normal...... I know that I kept expecting to see Ernestine around, in her usual places, after she was put to sleep..................but, she wasn't there.........
But, that didn't mean that "I didn't expect her to be there!"....

Even, sometimes, I would think that "I heard her, in different places".......
When you've had a sweet furbaby for a good while in your life......it's extremely difficult to "have them with you one
day, and the next day, after they've passed on.....have them not be there".....
It's extremely tough, and it hurts soooooo badly!!!!!

You said that this is your first experience "with this"......

Yes, you will miss your sweet, precious furkitty...............for a very long while.....
But, here at Lightning-Strikes, you will meet many, many special and wonderful friends who will always understand what you are feeling......................

Most people here have been through exactly what you are going through, right now this very minute.... (including myself)..

It's terrible, awful pain!!!

I feel soooooo badly for you.......
I hope that you and your husband will hold each other close tonight, and snuggle.....because, this will be a very, very difficult night/early morning for you and him.....

But please, know that my prayers are with you..

I will say a prayer to our sweet girl, Ernestine, that she meet and welcome your beautiful furkitty, "Nothing", up at Rainbow's Bridge...........

Have you heard about "Rainbow's Bridge"?????

Lots of us believe, that it's a BEAUTIFUL PLACE, WHERE, when we lose one of our "pets"; (i.e., any of God's Beautiful Creatures..........whether furry, has fins, scaly, rodent-like, etc., etc..........)

RAINBOW'S BRIDGE IS WHERE THEY GO, WHEN THEY PASS ON.....

It's normal to feel that "you can't stop crying", because............for awhile, that's how you may feel....
I recall having the worst headache, and my heart hurt so badly, it felt like someone was taking a serrated knife, and shoving it in and out.......
I'm not sure if I got out of bed for a few days........

I am sooooooooooo sorry that you had to find a pet-grief site..........but, I will say, if you had to find one at all, I am
very grateful that you found Lightning-Strike......
You will meet soooooo many wonderful, caring and wise people here, who will help you on your new journey......

Please, trust me on that one!!! It's the saddest journey you'll probably ever travel, but, there are so many caring
people here, we will all help you as best we can in going on this journey........

God Bless you, my new friend.............

Please, write as OFTEN, AND AS MANY TIMES, AND YOUR POSTS CAN BE AS LONG AS YOU'D LIKE...............JUST GET EVERYTHING, ALL OF YOUR SAD FEELINGS OFF OF YOUR CHEST.................
LET US KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR SWEET KITTY.........WHAT MADE YOU SMILE.....WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.....
ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO SHARE.............

We are all here for you...............and, just know that there are sooooo many people who will be replying to your post...............whether during the early morning hours, or sometime during the AM & afternoon hours Monday..

Whenever you need a friend, please, don't hesitate to send me an e-mail or PM......

Goodnight and God Bless You and Yours,

Love, Denise xo

Thank you for your reply
I'm glad I found this place.
Yes I am familiar with Rainbow Bridge, and I hope she's there waiting for me.
I have been watching my other 2 babies and they seem a little lost. I've been holding them and cuddling them.
Nothing is the precious girl in my avatar.
I also have Nyxi who is 5 and Powder, she's 13 and still a kitten.
Nothing and Nyxi always played together and chased around the house. I know Nyxi will be missing her badly.
I just feel as if I should have seen it coming. I feel horrible that she died there alone on the bathroom floor. I know it's bad to feel guilty. But I wished I was at least there to hold her.
My head is hurting and my chest hurts as well. Is this what they are referring to when they say 'heartache' ?
I'm supposed to work in the morning but I can't even get tired enough to sleep. Guess I better try though.

Good night, and thank you again

Michelle

Hi Michelle:



Yes................that's exactly what a HEARTACHE feels like!!!! It's a horrible, terrible, ache...........but, in one
way..............."BEING ABLE TO FEEL, is what makes us "alive!".....

Your sweet "Nothing" is up at Rainbow's Bridge, along with all of our "kids" from everyone here at Lightning-Strike, AND she wants you to have a long, long life down here, and when the time comes, when it's your turn to go to Heaven, you and she will be reunited.......
But, she wants you and your family to have a long, full life down here on Earth first!!!!

Just remember, Michelle, all of the wonderful times you were there to hold your sweet girl...........whether she was happy or sad, or not feeling well........
Right now, you'll go through soooooooooo many, "what if's", "why didn't I's", "I should have's"............
Believe me, you and your sweet Nothing were, and always will be FAMILY........
You and she were always there for one another........

Try to get some sleep, my friend.............. Goodnight and God Bless You..............

And, don't forget, please be very, very kind to yourself......

I just kept "writing here all the time", in the very, very beginning...............
Believe me, Michelle.........it helps soooo much.....

Love you & yours,
Denise xo

p.s. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(BIG HUGS TO YOU!!)

Hi Michelle, I am so sorry you lost your sweet Nothing and to find her dead without you being able to hold her while she passed must have been so horrible. Your baby was so pretty and I'm glad you got a picture on so we could see her. I'm sure you will cry many tears and it will feel as though your heart is being ripped out. We here at LS understand all the pain and sorrow. How terrible that the man went home without waiting for you to get there. Nothing was loved and she knew it and she loved you too I could hear it in your post. Once again I am so sorry.
Ann

dear michelle,
i am so sorry for your terrible loss. having just lost my calvin (who looked a lot like nothing) i can understand your deep grief and feeling of pain. it rips you apart.
nothing is in a better place now. she is free of any pain and feeling just like a frisky kitten again. she is probably bragging to all the other furkids at the bridge about her wonderful guardians and fursiblings. she is patiently waiting for you to join her some day.
i will be sending out lots of thoughts of comfort to you!
this place is great because everyone here understands how hard it is to lose one of our beloved family members.
hugs,
stacy

Michelle,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely little kitty, Nothing. She was an adorable little girl with such a sweet name...I know you must be devastated. I lost my girl of 15 years, Kahsa, just three months ago and I still think I catch glimpses of her around the house in her favorite lounging places....it's so hard.

I understand your sadness when you think of her dying alone on the bathroom floor, but please know that she probably chose that location because she was comforatble there. Many people on this board have shared stories of their little ones going off to a favorite spot away from the rest of the family to be quiet and alone when their time was near. Kasha was an indoor cat but she spent her last week outside in our enclosed patio, day and night, only coming in for a quick snack now and then. I would bring her in and she would just keep asking to go out. Eventually, I put her food, water, and litter out there with her and she was happy. She would just lie in the sun on her big comfy chair and stare out at the birds, content as her old body began to fail her. She stopped talking to our other feline family members the same time she decided to live outside...I think she was distancing herself because she knew her time was near.

From your post it sounds to me like Nothing very much enjoyed her life with you (and you with her!). Please don't feel bad.....you gave her as much love as she gave you. She is at peace now...and if she was suffering in some way that you could not see, she is also out of pain. The pain is now yours, Nixy's and Powders but in time you will all heal and will be able to remember little Nothing with warmth and happiness instead of loss and sadness. My two other furbabies, LeStat and Riley miss Kahsa very much and things are not quite back to "normal" (which they will never be without Kash) but they get stronger every day, as do I. We are all slowly adjusting to life without our big black cat...it's not easy, but we're coming along and so will you and your family with time.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place for support, the people here are kind and caring and everyone knows just how you feel. Keep posting your feelings and love for Nothing.....

Warm thoughts,
Kristie

Here is a picture of all my girls together.

Thank you all for replying.
I took the day off today because when I woke up from the little bit of sleep I was able to get, my eyes were swollen shut, and I started crying more because I had a dream she was alive.
My Powder slept by me all night. She slept in Nothing's normal spot and was still there when I woke. Both my babies have been clinging to me today.

It did seem that Nothing was pulling away. She spent most of the day laying in the laundry area on a pile of clothes. Night before last she climbed up on the bed but slept on my pillow rather than curled up next to me.
This is so hard
I had to call petcare insurance to cancel her policy. When they asked why I was cancelling I started crying again. She was such a nice girl on the phone, very sympathetic.

I'm now trying to find a nice urn for her.

Thank you for all your support..

Michelle

sorry the pic didnt upload for some reason.

trying again.

Hi Michelle,

Nothing was beautiful - her name makes me smile! She is not gone .. Nothing will forever be with you in your heart. I have said a prayer to Pud Pud to look out for Nothing and take care of her ... he is a newbie to Rainbow Bridge too, so maybe they can help each other

I know how you are feeling, it is SO hard .... it is hard to think of anything else, let alone DO anything else. Be gentle with yourself. Love your girls ... Angel (my other cat) has been a big help to me, it is like they know ... you just wish they could talk, so they could tell you what they are feeling too!

You are in my prayers Michelle.

PuddinsMum
"Puddin - Always in my heart"

Dear Michelle,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Nothing. All your girls are beautiful. I'm sure they're all missing Nothing too.

I'm also sorry you had such a bad experience with the pet cemetary person. It amazes me that a person in that line of work could be so inconsiderate.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Hi Michelle,

I read your post the other day,and while I was on a website last night I read this and for some reason I thought about you. I am sorry for your loss and I hope this helps you. This really helped me when I read it.......

Author:unknown

I know what you're thinking. You think I'm dead. Because you cannot see me with your human eye, cannot feel me with your hands or hold me in your arms you think I am gone forever. You recall how I looked when I left this place and you cannot remotely imagine that I could possibly be alive in another place. You are racked and torn by the pain of our separation and it blinds you to that which is right in front of you ... me.

How many times since I left your immediate sight have you been told that I'm dead and you should "get over it?" How many times have you cried yourself to sleep because you feel like an outcast, believing you're supposed to get over me because that's what people say is normal but somehow you can't and no one seems to understand?

How many times have you put yourself through such excruciating pain because you aren't willing to consider that I am not, by any means, dead?

I want you to do me a favor and go back in time with me. Remember the glorious day you brought me home - was I not the most intriguing creature you'd ever met? Did I not make you laugh and giggle? Did I not look at you with such adoration that you wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with me? I wanted this too.

Remember the days when I was in my prime and we did many things together. You were so proud of me! I was a good friend and I took care of you when you cried, were angry or felt down and unhappy. When you didn't have a lot of time for me because of your obligations, I waited patiently for you. I was always there when you needed me. Did I not look at you with such acceptance and patience that at times you felt perhaps a bit unworthy? You were never unworthy in my eyes.

Remember when age crept up on me, my bones became stiff and my movements slower. Still I met you at the door when you came home and followed you around the house. We'd been together for so long, I was your very best friend regardless of what you were doing, saying, thinking. Did I not look at you with such kindness and understanding that you felt overwhelmed? I couldn't get enough of you.

Remember the last time we saw each other with earthly eyes. You tried to be brave but I knew you were crying ... I know you so well. Better than anyone else in the whole world. Did I not look at you with such pure trust and love that you yearned only to hold me close and keep me with you always? Did you not promise that you would love me forever? I believed you.

If this is so then why have you let me go by thinking I no longer exist?

Remember the depth in my eyes all those times I looked at you with adoration, acceptance, patience, trust and love. Who created this depth and love? Would the Creator diminish the song of our laughter which was created in the name of love? I am no longer an earthly figure, this is true. My body was only part of who I really am. My body would have been but a mere shell on earth if it were not filled to overflowing with my soul, my spirit, my loving light. When we met you thought I was cute, sweet, pretty and adorable. But what kind of relationship would we have had if this is all that I'd been? How could you have loved me if I'd had no spiritual substance?

We are all made up of energy which resides far deep down inside of us, it is our core, our soul, spirit and loving light. It is the energy that is all of life ... it has no beginning, it has no end. It simply is and always will be and without it there is no life. You can't see it with the naked eye nor can you hold it in your hand, it is simply a certain knowing that this energy does exist. It's a knowing just as you know that our love existed on earth - you couldn't see our love in a solid sense, you couldn't gather it all up and confine it to one place. But you *knew* it existed. There was no doubt in your mind.

They demand you get over me, insisting that I'm dead and you'll never see me again because animals don't go to Heaven. Oh really? I'm here to tell you different. You were worthy of my love and undying devotion on earth as I was of yours. Do you really believe this love would be snatched from us *forever* by a loving Creator simply because I wasn't human? Was I not a living, breathing creation with personality? How could I have been so if I didn't possess the energy of soul, spirit and loving light? And if this energy is and always will be, then how can it be that I am dead? If my core is not of the energy that is all of life then I was never alive to begin with. But you know better.

You cry because you miss me, this I understand. I miss you too - I miss the belly rubs, hugs and kisses that we shared. But life does go on beyond these wonderful, fulfilling physical connections. I came to this place to live a whole new life, not because I didn't love you anymore or because I wanted something better. I came here because it was time for me to go to the next phase of my existance, something all living creatures must do eventually. It is the normal progression of life. I was not taken away from you because you cannot take away that which was never owned. My presence in your life was and is a gift to be cherished and honored just as I cherish and honor you.

Life is not simply about being born into a body, living a certain number of years and then dying. Energy cannot die. We are blessed with time in a body so that we can learn, share and grow. It prepares us for the next phase of our eternal life. The body holds within it the true life force of our existence...our soul, spirit and loving light. Without these our bodies would be empty, blank, void of feeling and expression. Without our energy we would indeed be dead and could never have experienced our love for each other.

You say that all you have left are memories. Not so. You see, when I took leave of my earthly body I left a little something behind for you. You can't touch it, hold it or examine it for what I left behind is far too uninhibited for confinement. I left behind a piece of my soul. I placed it right next to your own which is quite fitting as we were always side by side in our earthly life together. I love you too much to have left you with nothing but memories which tend to fade and grow cloudy as the years go by. I love you too much to have vanished without a trace. How selfish it would be of me to remove love and light from your life.

I understand your tears, each one you shed is testament to your love for me and I am honored and humbled. But don't forget the good things we shared - remember and smile. This is an honor for me as well. And when you need me I will be here. Close your eyes, relax, take slow, deep breaths and picture me in your mind. Shut off the world and your notions of what death is and give me a chance. Look for the subtle signs I send you. Don't stop being proud of me, I am a friend to be proud of, I am still your friend and soul mate. Don't memorialize the death of my body but instead honor and celebrate my never-ending life for it is eternal and forever as is my love for you.

Until we meet again...

Author unknown

It's been really hard ....
I have to keep my mind occupied every moment to keep from crying at work.
I went in today and had to bring a book on breaks and lunch to keep me from thinking too much.
However I went for a potty break once and immediately started thinking. I cried in there :/
I keep thinking of her perpetually innocent little face and the way she'd curl her paw around my finger, like she was trying to hold on. Or how just looking at her would get her purr motor started. Or how she would go up to Nyxi and lick all over her head then suddenly cuff her.
Like listen here little girl, you may be bigger, but *I* have seniority!
Or how she always HAD TO be in the bathroom while I showered and would walk on the edge of the tub, in between the curtains meowing loudly til I came out, then immediately rub her head on my legs like "darnit mom! I had you properly marked! now i have to do it all over!"
Shes the only one that had the ability to hop up on my lap here and be there for 5-10 min before I even realized she was there. I'd look down and say "Hey! when did you get there!?" She was content just to be on my lap. No petting required.

I was remembering how small she always was. How when I took her in to be spayed, then came back to get her, the vets were in a panic because they couldnt find her. Turned out she was under a hand towel in the cage. But she was so small they didnt realize she was under there.

I visited the crematory and ordered her an urn by Angelashes.com They'll have picked her up from the emergency veterinary place today. I wont have her ashes for a couple weeks though I felt better going out to greenbrier (http://www.greenbrier.cc/) and seeing the place. I left feeling that they really care.

Thankfully, work was understanding about the situation. My supervisor was great about it. She knew what it was like and knew that my cats are my children. She checked on me throughout the day to make sure I was okay.

The darndest thing keeps happening. Sometimes sitting here, I'll swear I see her, out of the corner of my eye. But of course, I turn my head and she's not there.
I want so badly to believe she's here somewhere.
God, I just miss her so much.

Dear Michelle,

I'm so glad your employer has been understanding of your grief. Too many times people don't give enough respect or comfort when we lose one of our furbabies.

I loved all your stories about sweet little Nothing Marie. She sounds absolutely adorable.

You continue to be in my thoughts.
Kathleen

It is good that your employer has been so supportive. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Nothing.

dee dee

Nothing is such a beautiful little girl, it was wonderful to hear all about her and the way you would groom her with your finger, with her licking them first and the way she would wrap her little paws around your fingers.

My little Ellie used to try to use her paws like fingers too. She would sit on my desk and watch me holding and writing with a pencil. When I put the pencil down she would try to pick it up with one paw. She would curl her paw right round and keep dabbing at it. I would put my finger on one end of the pencil so that the other end was in the air. She was then able to semi-pick it up, and always seemed very pleased with herself. It used to make me think how clever and mysterious some cats are. She wanted to do what I was doing, and tried her darndest to do it even though she didn't have any fingers.

Nothing sounds such a beautiful loving little girl ... you must miss her so very much, what a very precious special little baby she was and clearly she just loved her mommy to bits.

Thinking of you
Bless dear little Nothing
with love jilly