Two days before Christmas, I requested that my sweet dog, Ferdie, be put to sleep.

I still don't know if I did the right thing.

She had been at the vet to remove a mast cell tumor from her paw. She had had many of these in the past, but most of them weren't aggressively malignant and were easily removed. This one, however, had grown to the size of a grape. My vet didn't think there would be any complications, but there were. When he removed the tumor he had to remove a great deal of tissue and skin as well, and the stitches were very tight. I had to massage her paw four times a day after the surgery to ensure that blood was still circulating.

I was going to visit my family for Christmas, so I boarded her at the vet to make sure she was well taken care of during her recovery. When I arrived at my destination (1500 miles away) I received a call from my vet. He told me her leg would most likely have to be amputated... her paw was becoming gangrenous. He referred me to a vet who specialized in orthopedic surgery. I was devastated.

Later, the other vet called me and told me she had to perform some tests on Ferdie to make sure she was a good candidate for surgery. I told her to go ahead with the tests, and I cried the entire time. After a few hours she called me back and told me what she had found out.

Ferdie would probably survive the surgery, but she had a number of other health problems that would probably cause her problems in the future. The vet told me Ferdie most likely had Cushing's syndrome (which might have explained her distended abdomen and the highly resistant infections she had had in the previous months). If she recovered from the surgery she would have to receive treatment for the Cushing's. She had a pretty severe heart murmur as well (she was on a special diet to control it) along with arthritis that, for the time being, was being controlled by daily doses of glucosamine. The mast cell tumors hadn't metastasized to her other organs, but they would most likely come back. The vet also told me I had to make a decision about the surgery quickly, because Ferdie's leg was starting to rot.

I cried. I agonized. And I decided to let her go.

Ferdie was 12 1/2 when she passed, and had undergone 4 surgeries in the past two years (mostly to remove mast cell tumors). I didn't want her to suffer through more surgeries, treatments, and vet trips. The vet told me dogs can easily adapt to walking with three legs, but I was afraid Ferdie's age would be a problem and her arthritis would be aggravated by the amputation. So I told the vet to put her to sleep, and I've felt enormous guilt ever since.

Another reason for my guilt is that cost became a factor for me. The surgery and tests alone for the amputation would have cost over $2,000; that did not include any follow-up or treatment for the Cushing's. Money had never been too much of an issue; in the four 1/2 years I had Ferdie, I spent close to $8,000 keeping her healthy and happy. This time, though, I wasn't sure if the surgery and subsequent treatments would keep her healthy OR happy.

I didn't want her to suffer through poor health in the future, I really didn't. But that meant putting her to sleep before her time, and it meant that I wasn't there with her when she passed. That, more than anything, breaks my heart. She died without me to comfort her.

Before they gave her the injection, they brought her a big can of wet food and she ate the whole thing. That made me feel worse... obviously she wasn't feeling that bad if she ate an entire can of food. Could she have pulled through and been fine for a year? Two years? Three?

Ferdie was my first dog, and I loved her so much. I miss her. My apartment is so quiet and sad without her.

My regular vet told me, "I think you probably did the right thing." But there's an ocean of difference between that phrase and "You did the right thing." She wasn't on death's door when she passed; she could have rallied. It wasn't a black and white decision, and now I feel like I made the wrong choice.

Did I do the right thing?

I feel like you absolutely did the right thing. The fact that your dog ate a full can of wet food means only that the dog was not suffering at the moment. You weren't there when the dog passed but from the sounds of it..you wouldn't have been able to be there to nurse the dog back from a difficut surgery either... The surgeries get harder and harder as the dogs age and have other health problems also. I don't believe our animals fear death and they don't understand all the unpleasant side affects of being so ill... In my opinion you shouldn't feel shame over the high costs of treatment being a deterrent.. the dog had many health problems other than the tumour and I'm sure that you spared the dog much suffering. God bless you... I know how much it hurts. Know for a fact that you gave your dog many good years and did what you could to fight the cancer..but it's time for your sweet dog to be in peace. (((hugs))) Terri

terio, thank you so much for your kind words. I want to think I did the right thing, that I spared Ferdie from pain and suffering. I just miss that dog so much... she was a great girl, and she added so much light into my life. I hope I did the same for her in the four years I had her.

Sometimes we can just do no more, even for alot of humans when there life becomes one bad illness after another and the quiality of life is not the same they dont want to go through anymore test, pokes and prods.
I know this is so very hard for you but I agree with terio that you did make the right decision and it was an act of love not malice. Pamela

Dear Livia,

I do so feel your pain and guilt! I have been dealing with the same issues. However, I realize that making the decision to end my Rachael's sufering was the right thing to do. (She was almost 12 years old) You did the right and loving thing for your precious little girl

My sweet Rachael had several surgeries to remove mass tumors. She had two removed from her tits and another removed close to that area. Later she developed one under her arm. Although I had them removed, I was told by my vet that her chances were high that another one would develop. Unfortunately, she developed one internally that I couldn't know about. She seemed healthy and fine except that I did notice her having more problems getting up and down, but she also had arthritis, so I assumed that was her problem. The vet even gave me samples of a prescription drug to try on her.

Finally, one night she became so extremely weak that we rushed her to the vet. Blood tests revealed she had been bleeding internally for quite some time.
Within three days, she stopped eating, stopped drinking and was too weak to even stand up. It was very hard for me to make that decision because she still wagged her tail at me and lifted her head to look at me when I entered the room. They seem to hang on as long as they can for us.

You would not have wanted to go through that, I'm sure. Your Ferdie had so many other health issues too, that her quality of life wouldn't have been the same. You spared her the terrible downhill spiral and gave her peace without suffering. At her age too, surgery would be so hard on her. My vet offered to do some exploratory surgery for Rachael, but told me she was so weak that she may not survive it. I chose to stop the suffering for her instead, like you did.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Guilt is a normal feeling in the grieving process. You can read through this forum and find it in MANY posts. Give yourself time to heal. The pain and loss is hard enough to handle, so oyu don't need all the guilt with it too.

In my thoughts,
Cheri

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl Ferdie and for what all she suffered. You did all that you could to keep her happy and gave her the best life you could. All I can say as sometimes when they get so bad we keep them alive for our own selves and sometimes it is best to let them go if they cannot have a comfortable life.

My little girl had cushings, cancer and diabetes and although she passed away on her own I was going to take her the next day to help her across to the Rainbow Bridge. I could not stand to see her suffer and I loved her with every fiber of my being. As Pamela said it is true sometimes we just can do no more. Cheri is right sometimes they hang on for us no matter how bad they feel. Terri you are so right sometimes it takes our help to let them find the peace they deserve after so many years of loving us.
Ann

Thank you, all of you, who responded. Your words have offered me more comfort than you know.

I still miss Ferdie terribly... there is such a void in my life. I find myself missing the strangest things... when I would take a bath, Ferdie would sit by the tub and try to lick my elbows as I was reading. When her &%^ sacs were giving her trouble, she had a way of scooting on the floor that was hilarious... she would spin around in a circle, clockwise, then spin around counterclockwise. I miss how she would curl up in the small of my back when I was sleeping. My sweet girl... I loved that dog.

You can see pictures of my sweetie here: http://www.dogster.com/?21912

In many of them, she's gussied up in her Mardi Gras outfits. This Mardi Gras will be so sad without her.

I am so sorry for your loss. I read Ferdie's info on Dogster and realized something. I have a pug who also loves pooping in front of an audience. Maybe it is a pug trait???

I know exactly how you feel, and the indecision that you live with every day.

I put my beloved Eugene to sleep 5 days before Christmas. He had swallowed one of my knee-hi's, and after being misdiagnosed by an animal hospital and having it pass through on it's own, there was too much damage and he was bleeding internally. My vet told me that he was in a lot of pain as soon as the morphine wore off, and that I only had 2 options. To try plasma (which she wasn't promising any miracles with) or euthanization.

I couldn't bear to think of that little furbaby sustaining any more pain, and chose to have him put to sleep. I wish that I could have been strong enough to be there with him, but it was too much for me to bear.

His ashes now sit on my mantle in a mahogany urn with his picture on the front. I awake every morning and fall asleep every night with him on my mind and in my heart. His time with me was so short (only 2 years), and his ending was so tragic. I miss him with all my heart.

Tiffany

Dear Livia,

My sympathy to you on the loss of you precious Ferdie. I went to that website and looked at her pictures............She was adorable!

Thinking of you.

Lynn

Dear Livia,

Your story really touched me. I cannot say whether you did the right thing or not, however, I would've done anything in my power to ever spare any of my babies one moment of pain or suffering. It is unfortunate that we all cannot be as rich as Bill Gates, but sometimes, there are things that even money cannot solve or save.

I know how you are feeling, as I was recently forced to endure the painful silence of a home without a dog since the recent, and unexpected passing of my dear Klausie Dog. The silence is deafening and ever-present. There is no telling when the pain/grief will subside for any of us. The only advice I can give is to think about Ferdie often and remember her with all of the love in your heart, fore she had nothing but love for you in her's.

Take care of yourself. We are all here for you.

Brett