I do not wish to share this post.

I know exactly how you feel. I was off Monday and Tuesday. I tried to plan each day so I would be too busy to be at home very long without Rob being here, but it didn't work. By noon I had run almost every errand I had planned. I had even test driven a new car!! I couldn't put off going home and made myself sick by the time I got here. I took some medicine and sat on the couch under a blanket, but it wasn't the same without Sonnie. Peaches and Mitzi came to sit on my lap, and Bear sat on the floor by the couch, but I still cried. I was so depressed. Tuesday wasn't much better, but Rob was with me and I received a call that my brother had to go to the emergency room. We went to the ER to see what the doctors had to say - I'm his guardian because he's developmentally disabled and lives in a home. I started to cry, just because. Rob's getting worried because he's afraid I'll never get over losing Sonnie. He misses him a great deal - he can't stand the idea of moving Sonnie's bed from under his computer desk - but I seem to be a wreck some days. I went to work Wednesday and cried at my desk half the day.

I'm going to call U of I this weekend and talk to the counselors there - I live in Illinois too (Morgan County). I have been intending to call them, but I seemed to be doing better on the days they're available. It's nice to know they're good listeners and can give me some direction. I checked in the yellow pages for counselors, but none of them say they deal with pet loss. Maybe the packet they send will have some listed.

Dear Abby's Mommy,

I dreaded weekends for several weeks after Shiloh died. When Shiloh was alive, weekends were what we lived for...weekends were days that we spent together. After she was gone, I would really feel the the void of her absence on weekends. Christmas vacation was really hard too...for 2 reasons...One, vacations were like weekends. Shiloh and I spent every minute together. Two, I took a little trip. It was the first time in 5 years that I didn't have Shiloh to come home to.

I so understand the void and saddness you're feeling.
Your in my thoughts.
Kathleen

I found Shiloh at school when she was just a little puppy. The principal had called the town dog catcher, I knew that stray animals were taken out and shot in the town where I teach, so I had no other alternative but to take this adorable puppy home. As I was leaving school with her, one of the other teachers who had been petting her, said "Goodbye little Shiloh." The name stuck.

I only had her for only 5 years, but what a blessing she was for those 5 years.

Dear Kathleen, Abby's Mommy and Karen -

Thinking of all of you and this terrible pain. My husband is getting a bit worried about me because I have not "improved" at all since I lost Rusty. In fact, I think that it is getting harder now that it is "sinking in."

Abbys' Mom - I know what you mean about laughing on the outside but crying on the inside. We (hubby and son) all were home together yesterday due to the snow/ice and we watched a real funny video. I had Heidi (dog) on my lap so I should not have felt lonely, but all I could think of was that my Rusty wasn't there. He spent so much time in the TV room, either next to one of the couches or up there sitting with us. When I laugh, my ##atiel laughs too. I didn't realized that I was laughing but when I heard Pete (##atiel) laugh, it hit me. I laughed at the funny parts but it was not sincere. This is so terribly hard. I hope that pet loss info that you and Karen get will help you deal with all of this grief. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you're a "changed person". I will never be the same and I don't believe that I will be truly happy again ... ever. That is so sad. It's even sadder to know that we are now affecting those around us, too. I told my son that losing Rusty was like losing a child and I think he was insulted. I had to be honest with him, though and I explained to him that I do feel like Rusty was a child. I can't imagine feeling any worse than this.

Karen - How is your brother doing?

Lynn

I hope you say me reply, Abby's Mom. I apologize for taking so long to respond. It's been a bad week.

I've had several people comment at work about how quiet I am. I used to be so bubbly and ready with a smile or a joke but not now. On a good day I'll smile some, but it's a sad smile. I know that because people look at me funny. On bad days, I sit at my desk with my back to people and cry quietly. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I cry, I look like a raccoon but red instead of black. It's so obvious because I'm so pale. Nobody asks and I don't volunteer. The people that know how upset I am understand and let me talk when I feel the need. Time is what it's going to take - for all of us. Wounds only heal with time and care. I'm glad we've got each other and the rest of our families.

Thanks for asking about my brother, Lynn. He's doing better. The doctors can't stop his seizures, only try to reduce the frequency and severity. His mental disability is pretty extensive, but physically he's as strong as an ox. I've been his guardian since our father died almost ten years ago. He's the oldest, then my sister Sarah, me and my little sister Janet, she's the only one with kids. It's a big responsibility because, like our furbabies, he'll always need a guardian. I told my sisters I'd switch guardianship to them jointly at ten years, but neither one sees him very often so I don't think I can. Thank God Rob is a wonderful man and understands. I go to doctor appointments, take the home desserts on special occasions, and drop by just to see him. Rob goes when he can. He's my brother, and I love him.

Kathleen, what kind of dog was Shiloh? I'm not sure from the picture.

Hi, Karen -

All I know for sure is that Shiloh was good dog. Seriously, I think she was part lab, part spaniel, maybe some red heeler.

I grew up with many dogs that you couldn't tell what their parents were! It just made them more fun.

I've decided that I need to stop posting without my glasses on to see because my spelling is terrible. I'm so glad that everyone here knows what I mean. I usually get up early in the morning and come here. I'm going to try to stick to evenings, especially since that's when I think of Sonnie the most.

Abby's mom, what kind of dog was she? She likes like a terrier. I love her coloring, probably because Sonnie was mostly white too. As he got older, he got more and more spots. My mother-in-law used to say that he was becoming a dalmation. She's laugh, and he'd wag his stump of a tail. They were constant companions when Rob and I went to work. His passing would have killed her if she wasn't already gone. It's odd, but she lost a leg to diabetes and then had cancer a year later. Sonnie died from cancer too after having his leg 2/3 amputated. Maybe it was meant to be this way.

Sorry, I was rambling again. Old age creeping up on me.