Completely Devastated

I lost my best friend yesterday and I'm as the title reads, completely devastated.

My 14 year Belgian Shepherd, Cody took his last breaths at home, with his head on my lap and I can't stop replaying those final moments.

I want to take it back. Even though he was arthritic and would often soil himself because he couldn't get up, he still had that sweetness to him that I loved so much. He just wanted to be with me always and would follow me from room to room as I went about my day. It was so hard to watch him grow old, to struggle to walk - this beautiful, strong dog who in his day, would run miles and miles turned feeble and incontinent.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I went to the spot where he passed and just lay there until my husband woke up in the middle of the night to gently guide me back to bed. My heart actually physically aches and I miss him so much. I found some of his fur on the floor and I just held it.

I was always so busy running around, doing things - I have all that stuff to do today - there are Christmas presents still left to be bought and wrapped - I just want to stare at a wall and cry. Why couldn't I have been more present with him when he was here? Why didn't I make him more important than all those things that don't really matter?

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps tremendously to know that I am not alone in this. I just had to write something out because I feel like I've talked it out with my friends/family - they get it - but I don't want to burden them with my sadness.