When Will My Pain Subside From The Loss Of My Beloved Potter

It's almost my 40th birthday and though there has been a lot of love, laughter, and fun leading up to the big day, my heart is broken. About two weeks ago, my buddy, companion, best friend, Potter had to be euthanized due to a sudden discovery of cancer. My Potter was such and amazing and special dog. I know everyone thinks their dog is the best (and they are right) but Potter was a unique dog. He came to me as Rocky from the Humane Society when he was just 1 years old. I'd been searching for a dachshund and BOY did I find one! Potter wasn't just a dachshund; he was a dachshund and lab mix! Pure black, short and stubby; he saw life from a different perspective. It was literally 100% love at first site. When I first saw him he smiled and wagged is tail and I knew he was the one. The only thing keeping him from coming home with me was for him to meet my other dog that I also had adopted from the Humane Society, Eleanor. Potter and Eleanor got along perfectly from the beginning. When they first met, they basically ignored one another. I later would find that Potter NEVER ignored dogs and was always eager to say hello. For some reason though, that day Eleanor and Potter met, Potter was on his best behavior. Potter was such an amazing dog. He always had a tail wag and a smile for everyone he met (I'm not making that up!). I swear that dogs tail never ceased to wag. He was the perfect dog for me, always playful, always sweet, always loving. He was also mischievous and definitely had a mind of his own, which would lead him at times to flee the house, only to be found saying hello to another human. Potter was simply the best.

For the past two weeks, my heart has been broken - from the inside out. About two weeks ago I noticed that my old (but still very active, lively) boy didn't seem to be himself. He had eaten his dinner as he always did around 7pm that night, but around 8:30pm I noticed he was sleeping super hard and being listless. I contemplated for a bit about whether or not to take him to the vet. About 10 days before, he had unfortunately been bit by one of our neighbors dogs and had been wearing a cone during the time after. He was crate trained, but during the time of him wearing the cone we left him out of his crate. ON the evening I noticed something was wrong, it had also coincided with the first day he had been cone free. We'd left him out of his crate that day, so I thought perhaps he'd eaten something - he loved to eat things! Previously in Potter's life he had eaten socks, underwear, TOADS!!! You name it, Potter ate it. AND YES, he made it through the toad eating! I decided later on that evening that I just couldn't wait and needed to take him to the emergency vet. I just had a REALLY bad feeling that something was VERY wrong.

The vet at the emergency clinic at first didn't find anything that would indicate anything was amiss. Of course Potter was being as energetic as was normal for his old age; not being listless like he had been earlier. Adrenaline from the car ride to the vet or we thought maybe he was pulling our leg. The vet did suggest taking an x-ray to see if anything was going on in his stomach, as it was a bit distended. After about 15-20 minutes, with shaking hands (I'm not kidding) the vet called us in to tell us she had some news to share but she wasn't certain 100% of what her findings revealed. On the x-ray she could see an issue with the spleen so she decided to explore further. She did an ultrasound and also took some fluid from the abdomen. On the ultrasound, she thought she saw nodules that may or may not be cancer. The fluid she had withdrawn had blood. This is not what she expected...AT ALL. Potter was bleeding internally due to one of the nodules rupturing. She suggested we bring him back for a full ultrasound the next day to get a more complete diagnosis. Potters prognosis was not looking good. The next morning he was the same; listless, lifeless. We took him back to the vet and were given our options; surgery being number one IF the nodules were only found on the spleen; if the nodules were found on the liver, it was a whole other conversation. The vet suspected cancer on the spleen and let me know he could see cancer if it was on the outside through the ultrasound but not if it were on the inside. Again, about 15 minutes later, the vet came back to reveal that Potter had cancer all over both the spleen and the liver. Potter had also developed some knots on his face, presumably blood clots from the internal bleeding. The vet told us that Potter likely had only 3-4 days to live. I was devastated. He actually told me he could euthanize him at that point, or we could take him home for a day or so to give him some love and say farewell...which is what we did. We had a little party for him that evening and then the next day we did all the things he loved to do - roll around in the grass, eat carrots and apples, go for walks with Eleanor, play with his toys, just be... That night my partner and I took him back to the emergency vet and we said goodbye. We thought it was best to not let him suffer the pain of the cancer, or the fluid build up, or the bleeding.

I keep looking at photos. Reminiscing. Keeping an eye on Eleanor who had first didn't seemed unphased, but now seems to get the gravity of it all. We all miss him so much.

I've gone back in forth about "were we too hasty?", but keep reminding myself, that we were actually lucky to be able to say good bye. I've read so many stories where the owner hasn't gotten that chance. Everyone around me, vets, friends, have said that we did what was right. That we did what was humane and put HIS interest before our own. I just wish that my brain could process this but it's almost like when someone or an animal dies, your brain is scarred for a bit as you can't necessarily be rational. It needs time to heal.

I can't say, I've gone a day since without crying. It was so fast. I thought I had more time. I keep thinking that I'm going to come home and he's going to be there, but of course he isn't . I want to pet him again; pet his little horsey nose. I want to HEAR him again. The silence in the house is deafening. Eleanor is such a quiet dog. I keep thinking each day I'll feel better, but at some point during the day, I start to cry. I can't even control when or where. I hoping someone has some consolation. Something to help me process and move through this. I've reached out locally to one of the Humane Societies to join a pet grieving group. This is worse than I've felt about some people.... He was my buddy and I miss him so much.