My Shadow

Tonight a tragedy took the life of my best friend. My beloved Standard Poodle Moonshadow's Jazzy Patriot went out to go to the bathroom. I think he must have seen a cat. He must have ran onto the highway and was hit by a car. My son was the one to take him out. I was too busy helping my MIL on the computer. My son never could make Shadow leave a chase. I could. I feel so guilty. It was my fault. What would it have taken for me to ask my MIL to wait a minute? I didn't know what happened at first. My son came in and asked me if Shadow had slipped by him. He couldn't find him. I ran outside calling "Shadow, Shadow!" No jingling from his tags. Then a horrible howl. And another. Then nothing. I looked all over for him. For an hour I went up and down the streets and into the hills where he likes to go for walks. I knew something was wrong with him and couldn't find him. My husband went looking too. We finally drove up the highway and there he was in the road. I have never screamed and wailed like this. Nothing helps this pain. Those horrible howls are my last words from him. They are haunting me.

I said some aweful things to my son. My mother in law heard my screams on our open voice chat. How horrible it must have been for her too. She loved my Boo as much as I do. She even talked to him over the phone.

Shadow came to me after a long search. I had sold my horses due to a bad ankle injury. Shadow was my salvation in my time of mourning for my horses. He taught me patience. Puppies do that. He was a huge boy. 27" at the shoulder. 60 lbs of black curly love. Those beautiful eyes. Those long silky ears. It took me 9 months to train him. He was so smart. He knew his commands by voice or by hand signal. His favorite place was on my feet. Or in my lap. Yes, a 60 lb poodle fits in a lap. Maybe not the back legs, but the front legs and most of his body fit. He would lay his head on my chest and just sigh. He took the weight of the world off my shoulders and carried it proudly. Shadow never walked. He pranced. He was very proud of himself and seemed to say "look at beautiful me" to all the world. Shadow played a mean game of soccer. He never met a toy he couldn't disassemble or unstuff. He loved paper towels. He loved his big bed that Grandma bought him. He loved to share my apples.

I am thankful for a wonderful husband who holds me. I am thankful I was able to say I am sorry to my son and for him to say he understands. I hope he really does. I know how much he loved Shadow too. They were constantly wrestling together.

How will I face the day? How will I make it through tomorrow with no bounding monster to greet me? How will I ever forgive myself? I never in a million years could have imagined this pain.