Overwhelmingly Sad And Guilt Ridden

Three days ago (August 31) I lost my baby girl, Princess. She was the first dog that my family ever had and the pain and sadness I feel has been worse than I could have ever imagined. 9 years ago, I brought Princess home when I was 16 years old and although reluctant, my parents and my sister immediately fell in love with her and ever since, she has been another member of the family. I recently moved from Texas to NYC because of work and left my baby girl at home with my parents. My father is retired so they had both been used to spending their days together. My mother called me recently and told me that Princess had been sick for about three weeks. She told me that the vets initially thought it was cancer, but they then ruled it out because they couldn't find a source. Princess had stopped eating and my mother was trying to do everything to get her to eat, including hand feeding her high calorie dog food to try to get her weight back up. After several visits with a couple of different specialists, the test results showed that Princess had pneumonia. My mother told me that she was on antibiotics. As it turned out, I had a trip scheduled back to Texas in a couple of days so although I was scared, I felt good knowing that I was on my way to see my baby girl.

When I got to my parents house and saw Princess, I immediately broke down in tears. Her little pot belly was gone and she was just so small and bony from all of the weight she had lost. Her breathing was very heavy and it was so hard for me to see her like that. My mother, my father, my boyfriend, and I all sat in the backyard with her. My father even talked about how she was looking better today - that her ears were perked up for the first time in awhile and that he thought she was going to get better.

I held my baby girl and looked right at her and told her how much I loved her. I kissed her again and again. After a few minutes, she stood up and I could tell she wanted down so I set her on the ground and she made her way to the grass. She was lying the in sunlight and in that moment, she must have felt at peace to let go. When her breathing started slowing to a stop, I was in complete shock and panic. My mother held her and I ran inside because, at the time, I could not bare to accept what was happening and I guess I felt that if I wan't watching then maybe it wasn't real. I heard my mother say "she's gone" and I just fell to the floor.

That was truly the hardest day of my life and now that it's over all I can feel is extreme sadness and horrible guilt. I know that my baby literally held on and waited for me to come to her before feeling at peace to let go and I really think that is just so incredible, but I can not stop replaying the whole horrible scene out over and over again in my head. I can't help but feel so much guilt, especially with the "what if s" that keep popping up. What if it was my fault? - that my parents had been so strong and I was so weak when I first saw her - what if she gave up after she saw me because I couldn't be strong enough for her? What if I would have been able to be home for her sooner? Or worse - what if I had been a few hours late?.. What if she held on just a few more days? Would the antibiotics have started working? Did I abandon her because I wasn't there physically in her last seconds?

Each day is so hard and all I can do is cry and cry. I am trying so hard to be ok and to think about all of the love we gave her and she gave us and to think of all of the happy times, but it still makes me sad, especially when those last few minutes keep playing out in my head like a broken record. I knew Princess was sick, but her passing was unexpected to our whole family. This is my first time to ever experience anything like this and I really don't know what to do. I just feel so sad.