I Lost My Bestfriend 22 Hours Ago..

I am in soo much pain at the loss of my precious 4 and half year old baby boy, Itty Bitty. I cry as I type this..
I am angry at myself for not seeing the signs sooner. I am angry at the vet before yesterday who prescribed me meds that would not ever help him. I am angry at myself for not being able to get him the best treatment possible do the outrageous cost to even "attempt" to help him. I have been crying non stop for the last 22 hours. I can't think of anything but him. I miss him soo much, and always will.
He was the type of cat that always came when you called his name. Played fetch. Loved the water. Came to the washroom with me. Expected the tap to be running for him 24/7. Slept with me everyday. Loved me everyday. Everyone saw our connection and loved his personality, it was infectious, it even made them want a cat like Itty Bitty.
I still have his mother. However it's not the same affection. Itty Bitty was my boy.
I woke up this morning. waiting to trip on him. Waiting for him to follow me to the washroom. Waiting for him to play fetch, and jump on my lap with a hefty 22lbs of love!!!
I have never experienced such a pain like this. I feel so guilty, angry and sad. The vet yesterday was very understanding and compassionate and seen the love we had. Making note of how exceptional he was. She almost cried and rubbed my shoulder as I was trying to console him.She tried to ease my mind and try not to make me feel guilty about my difficult and worse decision I have ever had to make in my life, by showing me the damage afterwards. Bless her
I will say however, he usually always purred even when I just said his name. He didn't purr the last few days. Yesterday when I took him back to the vet, and there on the table, which most cats go frantic and try to get away, he purred for me as I kissed and rubbed his head. Kneading on the blanket.
I will always love Itty Bitty! RIP my sweet boy, we'll play fetch soon!