Happy Birthdat Baby Of Mine :') Your Mommy's Right Here

Happy birthday Baby mine, I used to call you that, and you were in fact my little baby.
Today it's your 10th birthday sweetheart and you're not with me, but I hope that wherever you are, you're okay, and that you can hear my brithday wishes to you.
I don't want you to be sad, I want you to smile with your heart for me, I want you to do everything like you used to, in that goofy way of yours. You are special baby mine , don't let anyone say otherwise. I know that people complained that you were a pain , that you messed things up, you ate the flowers, you slept on their clothes and leave your white hair there, and I know that you broke a lot of my mom's porcelain , but they didn't know how sweet you were, how you used to fall asleep only if I petted on your cheeck, or if I held your hand. They don't know that you hugged your teddy bear before sleeping, and they don't know that you licked out my tears when I was sad. You were a special little goofy, that's what I loved about you.
So I just want to let you know how precious and important you were to me. You woke me up many times in the middle of the night because you throw something on the floor from my desk, but right now, if I could I would give up sleep and jsut play with you all night.
You were a pain in the butt for them, but you were MY pain in the butt and I'd give anything to have you back sweetie.
Today I bought you flowers, when it stops raining I'll bring them to you.

For now, Happy Birthday baby mine , here's our song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ddpcnv8_rI

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine

If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you

From your head down to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine

All of those people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you

From your head down to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine, baby of mine

I love you, love you, love you, with every living fiber of my heart, and I will always remember how sweet , funny, goofy and special you were.
I hope you are celebrating your birthday with your new friends, please hug Lily and Minu for me. My heart is with you kids today, and everyday.

Love

Am I Ready To Adopt Yet? My Baby's Birthday Coming Up, And I Feel

In a few days my Birba would be turning 10. But she's been gone for over one now and I feel terribly down right now.

Today I was talking to my parents , saying how much I woud love to adopt a new kitty, I love kitties, I've always loved them and I can't keep myself from go all "squitty" wherever I see one, I chase them and try to hug them just as a little kid would do.
I love their cute little faces and their fluffy tails, I just love how amazing they are and how deeply you can fall in love with them.
So I really miss having a cute little goof around the house.
So I imagined how it would be, to have another cat after my two sweethearts died, and I imagined the new cat being in bed with me, sleeping on my chair, adn then I pictured him sleeping in Birba's crib (an old dolls crib that I had kept for her) and it was like someone had punched me in the chest.
I imagined this little creature sleeping in her bed, and then I remembered Birba's first days in that crib, she was so tiny she could barely get herself to climb it. And in the years she became so chubby she almost didn't fit in there anymore and all her flur came out of the crib-edges, she looked so funny, she kept sleeping there eventhough half of her was hanging out of it, and I then thought to myself "I could never see anyone else sleeping in it, that was her bed since the very first days, she grew up with that crib, she even had a teddy bear she used to sleep with when the two of them could still fit there together, how could you ever allow anyone else to take her place?" and suddenly I felt like I am not ready to adopt a new kitty. My friend's cat is pregnant, and I told her that I would like to take one if I can convince my mom, but deep inside, I think I am not even sure about it myself.

And to make it worse, I'm feeling sadder every day, as the birthday is coming up, and I don't know what to do. I am probbaly going to bring flowers where she's buried (I don't really visit her often, I don't like it, plus, all her stuff is still here with me, when I hug her pillow or I cry on her crib I feel closer to her than ever) so I only visit on special occasions, such as the 1 year anniversary of her death, I brought her a white rose (all white as she was) and I am probbaly going to visit now on her birthday, but I just feel this is going to make me feel even more depressed and sad. I don't want to accept her death, I just can't.
Why does it have to be this hard? Sometimes I wish I hadn't cared so much, so I wouldn't be suffering like this, but then I just cannot imagine myself not caring, not loving those precious creatures, those wonderful little goofballs.
I'm realizing that being sensitive is much more of a curse than a blessing.

Tonight I took her crib beside my bed, just like when she was still here and before going to sleep I would take the crib beside me and then later she'd come and join us (Minu and me). But its's so sad to see it empty. God , I miss her so much.

I can't belive she wasn't even 10 , I can't believe she's dead. It's like I'm still expecting to see them coming back someday.
When is it gonna end? This pain I mean, this helpless pain I fell right in my throat , like I had something stuck? I miss her so much I hardly can breath sometimes.

Am I ever gonna be ready to adopt another kitty? Am I ever gonna belive it's the right to do? and that they would be happy for me?
Cause to me they were not just "pets" they were special, they were Birba and Minu, they were like people for me, with feelings, personality, habits, tastes, everything. It0s hard to imagine myself taking care of someone who is not them, someone with new habits, different personality and tastes.
I feel that taking another cat would make them less meaningful, I'm afraid they'll just be two names in my long list of pets , you know like the "childhood pets". I don't want that!! I want them to be my only ones, when the other cat would die, I'd be heartbroken for him too, and so Birba and Minu would lose their place in my heart. I don't know, maybe what I am saying doesn't make sens to you, it's just, I really don't want to replace them, I don't want to find myself someday talking about them saying "I had two cats when I was a little girl, they were my first cats, what was their name again?" like my parents do when they talk about their previous pets. They were SPECIAL, I cannot replace them.
I would like to get a tatoo with their names or something that reminds me of her, I feel like I need to do something to feel them close to me.
I need them so desperately.

Please give me some advice, I feel like I'm losing it. I'm going through so much right now, this pain really doesn't help.

Thank you.

I Have Waited Enough. I Need To Let It All Out

Hi everyone

I am Julie, and I can assure you that I'd rather be anywhere rather than here.
The reason why I am here tonight is that, like many of you probably, I feel like I've kept it all in, trying to keep my head up everyday, because no one would understand my tears.
I've kept all bottled up, for over a year. And even after one entire year I am still hurt as the first day.
What actually brought me here was probably the really bad idea I had today, of going to visit "my" vet who just had a baby.
I was there in the waiting room, with the air that smelled like disinfectant and with people coming and leaving with their beloved friends in their cages. Bbehind their fake smiles you could see their worry and their pain, and I could feel the same fear I used to feel everytime I stepped in that place.

One thing brought tears to my eyes and thank God my phone rung and I had to leave before blowing up in tears. I was sitting in the waiting room when the door opened and a little girl came in hopping, behind her another kid entered the room, she had red puffy eyes and she was sobbing; she'd clearly been crying, the two girls came with their mother, who was carrying a cute little dog. The lady whispered something to the older child, I am not sure what, but it was like "stop crying now", but the little girl couldn't stop sobbing, and she looked lost and sad, looking around while trying to hold the cry in. At first I thought they had a fight but then the mom kindly said to her "stop crying, she's said he's going to be ok". Now it was all clear, that sweet little girl was worried sick for his baby dog, and I could understand her too well.
How many times have I cried for my babies? How many times I cried till I fell asleep holding them as close as I could? That's something I know even too well.
That girl must have been something like 8-9 years old, and it made me so happy to see how worried she was about her dog, how much she cared!
The mother kept telling her to stop crying, she probably didn't want to worry the other kid who must have been 4, and so she kept on saying "he'll be ok don't you worry" but at the same time she was wiping the tears that fell on her face.
My eyes were filling up, ready to explode anytime. I wanted to say something, ask her about her dog, tell her to be strong and that everything was going to be fine, but for what? I was preparing a speech in my head, but I didn't even believe it myself.
I used to tell myself that everything was going to be ok, even when my baby girl had stopped eating, and I had to feed her with a syring. She was 19, I knew she couldn't live forever, and her kidneys were failing and she refused to eat, but still I kept on telling myself "she'll be fine, one more day at the clinic and then she'll be home".
But she hasn't.
And that's the same thing I did with my dog Lily, she was 12 and she had cancer, I was only 16 and I was so scared but still somehow I convincde myself that she would make it.
Maybe we need to convince ourselves eventhough we know it's not true, eventhoug we know that it's not gonna be ok we need to believe that it will.

My heart has been broken 3 times in the last 4 years, and this time I don't think it will make it through.

I got Lily, my beautiful Labrador , when I was 5, she was the most adorable puppy in the whole world. I still remember her slipping as she made her first steps in hour house. And I remember how proud I was when my father came to pick me up at kinder garten with her, and everybody kept staring and pointing at her, and hugging her . I felt so proud cause I had the most beautiful baby dog!
And through the years I never stopped loving her. I remember my teacher for art class in 2nd grade asking me to draw my worst nightmare, and while every other kid drew of murderers , thieves, monsters, I drew a tiger jumping through the fence and eating my dog. Since 2nd grade losing Lily was my worst nightmare and that summer, it came true.
It was one of the worst days of my life, she died in my arms, while I kept thinking "she's going to wake up now, you'll see" and I kept hugging her and kissing her eventhough the doctor told me she had gone. That is something no one will ever understand.

Thankfully I had two cats to cheer me up.
Birba was the goofiest cat I've ever met. She was all white , fluffy and chubby. She's always been a weird little cat. She used to try to eat my feet (or anyone else's) when we were sleeping , making it impossble not to wake up. She would run randomly around the house and then crash against the glass door. Or just annyoing her older "sister" by biting her tail. She was a crazy cat, she used to sleep in the craziest positions ever: on top of the kitchen cupboards, under the fridge, in the shower, on a shelf, in every basket or fruit boxe (either empty or not) that she may find. She would sleep belly up right in the middle of the room so that at night you could stumple more esily. And on top of it all she used to snore so loud , no one would believe it was just a cat. She was a real pain in the butt, and she seemed to find it pretty funny to jump on the shelves and throw down all my mom's ornaments. But whatever she may have done, I just looked at her and I was not mad anymore. She was not a particularly "pretty" cat, and she was goofy and messy, but I was so proud of my goofyball. I wouldn't have traded her with anyone. Because that was what made her special, she was hyperactive and incredibly lazy at the same time. She would sleep on my black clothes and leave all her flur on them. She used to sleep in a doll crib right beside my bed and since I was 10 we've been sleeping side by side holding hands. Even when she couldn't fit in it anoymore. Now who can replace that??
One day I came back from school and I found vomit on the floor, I thought it was normal, you know, cats do that sometimes, but then a few days later I noticed she hadn't been eating much as usual, and she kept vomiting every once and then.
It was Christmas eve and I noticed that she was turning yellow. Two days later I brought her to the vet and she kept her there for a couple of days. Acute liver failure-"it's serious but treatable, she'll come home in a few days", that's what the vet told me.
Two days later my mom came home in the middle of the morning, as soon as I heard the door opening, I felt a knot in my stomach, when she told me that she was dead , my heart broke in so many pieces I don't think it will ever be fixed.
I coudln't stop thinking about her, in that cage, in pain, alone, without me-her mommy. Who held her hand while she went? Who whispered her that we will meet again someday? who told her that I loved her and I will never forget her? That's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I'll never know what it was her last move, or what she saw before her eyes closed forever, what she felt, how she looked, I'll never know what killed her, I'll have to live with these questions forever. And I will have to live knowing that all the time I though we had , has been taken away from us. And that we will never have those moments back, I will never fall asleep hearing her snoring, or I won't wake up finiding that she broke something during the night, I won't hear her scratching through the door just to leave right after I opened it. And I will never hold her, kiss her, or smell her ever again.

And it was just 5 months after her death , right when I was trying to get up again, that the world fell right on me again.
After Llily and Birba were gone, I still had my "lifetime" kitty: Minu, and she got me through the dark days.

Minu was the oldest, she was one year younger than me, and she was basically my whole life. Imagine someone or something that you've been knowing for ever. basically since you can remember. I was one when we got her, I don't have memories of my life without her, she was a part of my family, she was a part of my life. She was a part of me. And eventhough I loved Lily and Birba with every fiber of my being, what Minu and I had was a special bond that it's hard to explain.
Minu was beautiful. She was the most beautiful cat I know. Elegant, graceful, polite. she didn't make messes or broke things, she was loyal to us just like a dog would be.
When we had dinner at our neighboors right behind the fence, shewould come and wait for us in front of their door and then walk us home.
Sometimes she slept inside, sometimes she stayed out, but she never left!
I could go on talking about her for hours. She loved being cuddled, she jumped on my knees and slept there. In the last 6 years she slept with me in my king size bed.
She used to sleep at the bottom of the bed during the day, but as soon as I lay down she would get up and jump on my stomach and fall asleep. Those were one of the best moments of my day.
I talked with her , I cried with her, I laughed, God how I miss her!
When she got sick last year I was desperate, I wasn't only losing a pet, I was losing a friend, a sister, a daughter, I knew that from then on I would be alone.
For as long as I remember I've been dreading that day with all my heart. I started worrying about the possibility of her dying ssince I was 9! I couldn't sleep at night thinking that something might happen ot her , and last year it was all true. It was happening.

Ever since she died I've been feeling so alone. No one understands how I feel, it's not that my family is heartless, they cried too when Lily Birba and Minu died, but you know, it was more like when seeing a sad movie, those who touch you and makes you cry for a while. But itìs nothing compared to the pain I have felt.
I can not talk about them without crying, no matter what I am saying, I will just start crying. Every single song about loss or the end of love makes me thing of them.
Of how much they meant to me.

I miss them so much it hurts every day. I thought it would go away but it doesn't. One thing I've learned is that it won't go away. You'll just get used to it,
You'll get used to never seeing them again, to never coming home and finding them there waiting for you, and you'll get used to not being able to hug them when you feel upset or sad.
In the darkest days I felt the need of hugging them to make the sadness go away, just as we used to. But that was impossible.
So yes, when they say it will get better , they are somehow right : you'll learn how to deal with the emptyness that fills your heart and time will help.
Slowly you will heal and one day you'll think it has gotten better, but then just like me , one day you'll find yourself in a supermarket, right in front of the pet-food asle and you'll remember the last days of your baby, when she refused to eat and you had to get her super yummy food so she would eat a little more, so you would go to the store and pick up a different brand, a different flavour everyday hoping she'll like it and she'll eat it, and in one nano second you'll be reminded of that awful month, when you watched her dying day after day. And you'll feel the exact same pain you felt when she left.

I don't know if it will ever get better or if it will jsut get a bit easier. What I know is that I am tired of pretending they didn't mean anything, and pretending that I can talk about them now without starting to cry, I am tired of people talking about this like it was a fairytail or a misadventure, almost smiling asking me "did the other cat die too?".

I used to say this was the song of Lily Birba and me, cause years ago they got lost and didn't come home for three days, and I used to listen to this song thinking of them and hoping they would be home soon, now I dedicate this song to all three of them, because it makes me thing of the way I feel everyday since they've gone.
The first verse goes like this:

Nobody listens to me, don't hear a single thing I've said
Say anything to soothe me, anything to get you from my head
Don't know how really I feel,
Cause it's the faith that makes it like I don't care
Don't know how much it hurts to turn around like you were never there
Like somehow you could be replaced and I could walk away from the promises we made
and swore we'd never break!!


And I could never ever ever break those promises. I'll keep you in my heart forever.

You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this post , but if you do, and if you are going through a hard time, or if you are dealing with your pet's illness and you are just here to know what it will feel like, let me just say that no matter what, no matter how hard it will seem, you will make it, and the memories of your loved ones will help you through.
When my dog died I kept the towel we used for her first bath, and her collar as well among other things. I refused to throw them away because I knew that every now and then I would want to take them and hold them or just stare at them for awhile and cry.
As for my cats, that's a different story, they lived in the house so the house is full of their stuff. I still have their cuscions, Birba's crib, her teddy bear. My room is full of their picture and they help me feel less alone. And sometimes I'll hold their cuscions and cry hard , asking god to give them back.

so don't listen to those who tell you to get rid of that stuff, or to just get over it. You can't . If you loved them, then there is no "get over it", there is only the time that will help you heal.
And if you have to make some hard choises, be sure YOU are taking those choices, don't listen to those who tell you "they are better off dead", of course they are, but take your time to deal with it.
I had to put Minu to sleep , and I decided it in one day following the vet's advice after a terrible and painful week. But I made the decision, and I was prepared (as much as you can ever be prepared to something like that) becasue I knew that it was going to end this way sooner or later. And once I saw how much she was suffering, I couldn't take it anymore, so I held my breath, hold her and kissed her goodbye.
But that is something you're going to keep with you for the rest of your lives, so be sure you're doing it for THEM and no body else!!

If anyone is reading, I hope you'll find the strenght to go through this hard time, togher with your fluffy friends.
My heart is with you, and with all those who lost a pet thy loved. Hoping our beloved little friends will find peace.