Two Weeks

I have just lit a candle for my Sammy. I have decided to have my own little ritual every week so he knows he's never forgotten. Also I am listening to the song "I Believe" by Diamond Rio. If you have never heard it I recommend it. It makes me cry and comforts at the same time. It's fits perfectly for the loss of my baby.

I know my baby is somewhere where he can run to his hearts content. And one day I'll be there to run along side him. It's strange how the concept of death was always frightening for me, but now that Sammy is waiting for me I know I will not be afraid. But I hope he's patient because it'll be awhile hopefully until I see him. I am not patient but I have no choice.

The guilt is the worst part. I still lay awake at night going over all the what ifs and shoulda,woulda, coulda's.

Okay gonna go for now...crying way too hard.

Almost 48 Hrs.

It's been almost 48 hrs since my baby was hit by a car...the first 24 was definitely the hardest. Everytime I did something or looked at the clock I would think "he was here at this time yesterday when I did this." My other 3 babies are doing better...they are eating a bit and are cuddling with each other a lot. They never used to really do that, and I'm glad to see they aren't going to fight amongst themselves now that Sammy is gone.

I wanted to say thank you to Ann and Martina...your words helped me tremendously. I saw one of Martina's posts about 2 dogs she lost young. That is a large part of my sadness. Sammy was about 3 years old...he had so much life left. I had only had him since last June. It amazes me how you can grow to love something so much in such a short time. I had to get out of the house for a day or so...decided to stay at mom's. It was just too hard being there alone. I kept thinking I couldn't bear being there at 5:30 a.m. because that was what time Sammy's body was found. So I woke my poor mother up at 4:30 in the morning and told her me and the pups were coming over. Thank God for my mother. She has also lost a beloved baby to a sudden death. Her pomeranian Turner went outside to "do his business" and had a stroke..he lived for a little while after but not long. He was hooked up to tubes in this plastic box It tore my mother up to see her baby suffer. I never really understood the depth of her grief until now. One of the few comforts I have is that I don't believe Sammy suffered. His little neck was broken so I'm pretty sure it was instantaneous.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone on this site and to the person(s) who created it. It means so much to me that in the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep that I have somewhere to come and talk about my little angel. Sammy will be so happy that his momma loved him enough to tell the world about him.

I just hope there's lots of rawhide chews where he is (he loved those and chewed the squares down into perfect circles). I hope there's a lap for him to curl up in...he was so loving. I hope no one plays with his ears..he hates that. And of course I hope there's a bathtub for him to curl up next too (and drink water out of...silly dog)...and I hope they lay a towel on the floor next to the tub for him to curl up on...he gets cold on tile.

Well I guess that's all for the moment. I just really miss him. But I know that he will always be with me and that not even death can keep us apart. I love you Sam.

I Want Him Back

My poor baby Sammy was run over by a car Wed. morning. I feel like it's all my fault...I let him slip out of the door. It still feels like a horrible nightmare. I can't sleep. It was just so sudden...he gets out and 20 min later he's dead. I want to go take a sleeping bag and sleep in the yard by his grave. It's cold and raining outside and I don't want him to be alone. But I know that that isn't practical.

I put some bright yellow flowers on his grave...they reminded me of what a shining spirit he had. I also hung a white cross on the fence above his grave. I have 3 other dogs and Sammy was the link that connected them all. Now that he's gone I don't know how they'll act. I can't get them to eat their food.

I rescued my little angel from the SPCA. I had never seen an Italian Greyhound before and I thought he looked weird. I was so used to owning little furballs like Pomeranians. But he had such a lively spirit that I just had to take him. That was the best decision I ever could have made.

He loved to curl up on my legs under a blanket because he was always cold. He loved chasing his sister Lola around the couch in circles. He was the one that never left my side...even curling up on the floor next to the bathtub when I'd take baths. I truly don't know how I'm going to make it through all this pain.

I have always had several pets but this is the first one to pass away who was truly mine. The pain is unbearable. I think the worst part is that I'm 4 mos. pregnant and I can't imagine my baby not getting to meet Sammy. He would've loved the baby.

I guess that's all I can say for now. I need to stop writing before I upset myself to badly and make myself sick. I love you Sam.