Beautiful Shaney

Hi this is my 1st post, I was searching online for stuff to help me make sense of yesterday.
I had to take my beautiful friend Shaney to the vet to have him put to sleep and it's eating me up.

He was 15 and half, and my faithful friend, my beautiful Rough Collie. I got him as a puppy when I was a young man and suffering from agoraphobia. He got me out of the house again, as someone had to walk this cute little fuzzball that had come into my life. If it hadn't been for him I don't think I would have gone out again.
He seemed fine on Friday, his poor old back legs have been getting stiffer for a long time, but he soldiered on. He wasn't on any meds as he had stomach and kidney trouble in the past, and twice before we thought we lose him when he way younger. But he just fought through it all, and I thought he would always be there. He never showed pain, never whimpered nor cried, he just got on with being my friend.

On Friday I guess the only things he did differently were things he did when he was younger; he stood nose to nose with me and just stared into my eyes,like he used to do when he was a pup and later when I was sitting on the couch he rammed his face under my legs to lift them over his back,so he would be snuggled between my legs and the sofa like he used to before his hips hurt.
He just seemed the same old pal.

On Saturday he didn't get up to greet me in the morning, but he lay there looking happy enough but I knew something was wrong with him. My wife and I tried to help him up but he couldn't seem to take his weight, so we let him at rest.
We phoned the vet and I told me wife, "I think it's his time". I lay on the floor with him staring into his eyes, and stroking his face as we waited the hour for the vets appointment. I can't explain it, but I saw something in his eyes. Something that made me say to the wife, "he knows it too"

But still that spark was there, his eyes were alert and loving, soulful and pure as they always were. We took him to the vets and even being carried in, he was looking around himself as he had his ears scratched. As he was being carried in, he barked at another dog! Still trying to defend me and warm off others even then.

The Vet who was wonderful, and has been our vet since Shaney was a puppy, well he examined him, when we put Shaney on the ground he couldn't support himself, and the vet said his legs were far gone and he couldn't fix him, only make him comfortable and buy some time, but there is no dignity for him in only being able to lie there.

I said again, " I think it's his time" and the vet said its the hardest decision you will ever make but its the right one.

It was so difficult, so so difficult, as once he was lying on the ground he seemed like him old self again. I held his face and looked into his eyes, and the vet asked me if he could continue. I nodded, and he injected the solution into my friend. I stroked his face, and looked into his eyes and told him he was a good boy, and he whimpered, for the first time in his life I heard him whimper, and it was like a dagger to my heard. I stroked his muzzle, and told his ssshh and it was ok, I was there, and them he was gone.

I gently laid his head on the ground, and gave him a final kiss goodbye, and I reached out and tried to close his eyes. When I touched near his eye, when he didn't blink, it suddenly made it real, and it sounds crazy but I didn't want to hurt him. When he was with me, you know he would pull away if I touched near his eyes or whatever, and now he couldn't. I know that doesn't make sense.

I feel so guilty, I can't help but think what if I got it wrong, what if I didn't see that knowing in his eyes. When he way lying down, he looked so gentle, and loving, and at ease. And I feel so bad about having to walk away leaving him there in the vets surgery when he was gone.
I mumbled something about wanting his ashes back and I left. Shaney would have followed me through the gates of hell without a thought, and this one time, this one journey we couldn't be together. I love his so much, and I can't believe I will never see him again. It doesn't make sense to me. I can't believe I didn't have the strength to close his eyes. I hate the idea of him lying there with his eyes open.

I don't want to be without him. I just want to see him again. He is the one who always made the hurt go away, and now with the greatest hurt of all, he isn't there.