Will I Ever Get Over The Guilt?

I lost my beloved Sugar this past Friday and I don't know if I'll ever get over the guilt that I feel for everything that I have done or haven't done. I know guilt is a part of the grieving process and it's normal to second-guess yourself. However, I do feel like there were certain conscious decisions that I have made that were more than "poor judgement" on my part. I cannot apologize enough to my beloved Sugar because those poorly made decisions ultimately caused her her life and there is nothing in the world that I can do that will bring her back.

You see, over a month ago I quit my old job and in between the one week time before the start of my next job I brought Sugar to a vet for a checkup. I figured that I was going to be extremely busy once the new job began and I was hoping to get some things done before then.

The annual checkup was one, but Sugar also desperately needed a good dental cleaning and I was not able to book an appointment for that week. They also required blood work to be done within 3 months of any dental procedure. During the routine checkup the vet wanted to do blood work and I said no because I guess I wanted to wait until after my new job began before deciding on when she would be getting her dental cleaning (so we'd only need to do blood work only once).

I don't believe anyone can fully understand how much I regret that decision right now. I'm not saying that if I had found out a month earlier about Sugar's kidney disease that she would have been saved, but at least she would have been treated sooner. Her life might have been prolonged a week or two longer and boy how much I wouldn't give to have that extra week or two with her.

The past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me, after Sugar stopped eating altogether I brought her to see a local vet to do that much needed blood test on a Saturday. Getting the test result back on Monday afternoon and seeing the numbers as compared to the average was like a lightning striking down on me (I fully understood now how this website was named). I knew her condition was bad, and after speaking with the vet I knew her condition was pretty much hopeless. I did not want to give up and decided to seek a second opinion at a more "specialized" hospital a few days later. Sugar underwent daily IV fluid therapy but when another blood test was performed approx. a week later I was given two options, one was to admit her to the hospital where she'd continue to get the fluid therapy (which we knew was ineffective in removing toxins from her blood) or to euthanize her. Given that she only had days to live I wanted her to be home and not be at a hospital and be hooked up to a machine.

My boss hasn't been very supportive and I can't blame him because I'm sure they did not count on me not being able to work for an extended period of time. I remember this past Monday while at work I was so distraught that I went to my boss trying to explain to him that I needed to be home with Sugar. The words never came out, I rushed out of his office in tears. Later I sent an email to him explaining everything that I couldn't say in person. I wrote that it was hard for me to concentrate on work knowing that Sugar only had days to live, if that. He responded saying that of course I should be home with her. Unfortunately when I wanted to spend more than a day at home with Sugar the boss became less understanding. I remember the following day when I made the morning call to the boss informing him that I was not going in that he said that he "hoped" to see me the next day. The way he responded made me feel guilty that Sugar was still alive.

Anyway, I had to euthanize Sugar a few days later after she seized for over an hour. I don't think I'll ever get that image of her suffering out of my head. I regret that I was trying to hold on to her that I did not do the right thing right away when she first exhibited signs of involuntary twitching. I made her suffer on that last day of her life and I will be carrying that guilt with me for as long as I shall live. I love her so much and yet I'm not able to attend her cremation tomorrow because of work. I want to quit my job so badly because jobs are replaceable and Sugar is not. Many people tell me to be rational about this but it is difficult when you're dealing with matters close to your heart. I have asked my mother and aunt to go to the crematory tomorrow to see Sugar off. They will be bringing her ashes back to me. I just wonder if I'll regret the decision not being there tomorrow. I just don't know......

Chris