Sad Over Loss Of My Nutmeg

My cat, Nutmeg died about 2 weeks ago. She was 10 years old. She had chronic kidney failure since Feb. 2007. We had been doing sub-q fluids at home for the past 3 years and she did quite well. Two months ago she went downhill a bit and had IV fluids and was doing better for a couple months. Two weeks ago she went downhill again and ended up at the vet on IV fluids. The vet said she thought Nutmeg would benefit from IV fluids and she did not think she was ready to die yet. She was going to stay that day and I would bring her home for the night and take her back in the morning.

I picked her up in the evening. The vet said she had been throwing up so they gave her a shot for nausea. They also said they had a hard time capping off her IV. I got her home and took her out of the carrier and she just wasn't right. Her mouth was open and her tongue was sticking out and she just seemed not there mentally. When I had brought her in earlier in the day she seemed pretty good. Happy and running around and being her normal self except she was refusing to eat, so this was a drastic change from how she was earlier in the day. I rushed her back to the vet. They put her on some oxygen for a bit and they said to take her home and keep an eye on her and let her rest.

I brought her home and she threw up twice. She seemed really out of it. I lay her in my chair to let her rest. She really did not move but I just let her be like the vet said. A few hours passed. I sat next to her the whole time but left her alone. Finally she tried to get up and fell over and flopped on the floor. We knew she was in trouble so we rushed her to the emergency vet. When we got to the the vet we took her out of the carrier and lay her on the table. Within a minute or two she just stopped breathing right in front of us. Her heart was still beating but we chose to euthanise since she was not breathing. The emergency vet said it seemed like her problem seemed neurological and maybe she was having seizures.

I just feel so aweful about what happened. We had spent 3 years caring for Nutmeg with the kidney failure. We took such good care of her all of that time and I just feel like I failed her miserably on that last day. I don't know what happened. I don't know if she was suffering and that just eats me up inside. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that she is not suffering now but it doesn't help all that much.

I did speak to my regular vet after this all happened and she said maybe Nutmeg couldn't metabolize the shot or maybe she got some vomit in her lungs. I don't really buy either of these explainations. I do not think she went into kidney failure because her bloodwork was not that bad earlier in the day. I just wish I knew what happened. I just can't get past the guilt of that day. I try to act like I am okay, but deep down it invades my thoughts constantly. I just have the images in my head and can't seem to get over it.

Thanks for listening. I think I just needed to write it all down.