The Day After...

Hi everyone. I want to start by saying what a comfort this forum has been to me in the last 24 hours. All of you are so kind, gentle, and genuine. It was good for me to be able to read other people's stories about their losses (I was in no state to comment, but I read so many).

Let me tell you a little about my beloved dog, Butterscotch. His mother was a Pomeranian who got loose one night and came back a week later pregnant. The lady we adopted him from had no idea what the father's breed was. I have attached a picture of Butterscotch so you can see what he looked like. He has been part of my family for 18 years, the vast majority of my life. I was still in preschool when we adopted him, and I just graduated from college last winter. So needless to say this is a very deep loss for me. I barely remember life without him. He was so precious and special to me. He was one of my closest playmates when I was little...he was there for everything! The birth of my younger brother, the death of 3 of my grandparents, my first day of elementary school, my last day of college. His first night with us he cried and cried for his mother and sisters, I felt so bad for him, but he quickly became accustomed to our home. As a small child I of course loved to play with him, and he was always so patient and loving all through his life. He was very protective of us. He would spend his nights in the hallway outside of our bedrooms to make sure we were okay. In the winter time he would sleep in my room because he just loved the warm carpet. As the years went by, he showed signs of aging. His little muzzle began to grey, it wasn't as easy for him to go up stairs to sleep in the hallway at night, so he slept right at the foot of the stairs. We quickly learned to nudge him lightly when we came downstairs in the mornings so as not to step on him. This past year is when we saw a major decline. In the winter he had a bad fall. I found him on the kitchen floor with all 4 limbs just sprawled out, incontinent of urine and stool. Somehow he mustered up the strength to stand up and we rushed him to the vet. By the time we arrived he barely had a limp. The vet was very impressed with his physical condition. Over the next few months it was like he was a puppy again! He was running around the house, chasing his tail and occasionally barked at the mailman!

Last month I moved about 60 miles from home for my job. It was so painful to leave him. I missed my family, but especially my Butterscotch. About 3 weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment in my home town, so of course I had to stop at home to see everyone, including Butterscotch. He was still the old man I remembered. On Friday afternoon I got the call I had been dreading. Butterscotch was shutting down. He began to isolate himself and refused to eat or drink. He also became completely incontinent. We knew he was in his last days. He didn't appear to be suffering at all, so we were going to let nature take it's course. I was going to come home the next day to say my goodbyes. Well, early Saturday morning my parents awoke to blood curdling yelps coming from the kitchen. There he was on the floor, stomach distended, incontinent of hard, black stool. Later in the day the vet made a house call to put him down. He died around 3:15 PM yesterday. Unfortunately I wasn't able to make it home in time, but my mother assured me he was at peace. The vet said the the blood curdling yelps they heard were not out of pain, but more out of aggravation of not being able to relieve himself of urine/stool. Maybe they say that to everyone, but it made me feel better. It was killing me inside knowing that he was suffering during his last hours. My mother said that as soon as the vet walked in and saw Butterscotch he said that this was the right decision. He wasn't going to get better and this was a way to give him a dignified passing.

To say I am devastated would be an understatement. His death wasn't shocking or all that sudden, but that sure doesn't lessen the pain. The emotional pain. The physical pain. I feel like a zombie. To lose something that has been part of my everyday life is completely heart breaking. I haven't left my apartment since I heard the news. I am going home tomorrow, and I don't know if I'm ready. To add even more insult to injury, I will be undergoing back surgery on Tuesday, requiring me to be off of work for at least 8 weeks. It's not going to be an easy process, grieving this loss, and recovering from surgery. I long for his companionship so much right now. I can't wait until we are reunited again on Rainbow Bridge...

I know this is long, but it's helped me a great deal to talk about him.

Thanks for listening, and I wish all of you continued healing through this terrible, painful process.