Someone Please Help Me

Yesterday I did the unthinkable. I had 3 of my cats put to sleep. I can't find peace with the decision and feel like I am going to jump out of my skin from the pain. I haven't been able to stop crying and I will never feel the same way about myself again. I am now a murderer.

I inherited these cats from my mother when she entered a retirement home 4 years ago. Loki was her constant companion for 7 years, walked on a leash, traveled everywhere with her and was her heart. It took him 2 years to adjust to moving in with me but he was in love with me now. He slept by my head at night, purring and happy to be near me. He wanted to sit in my lap or sit by me on the arm of the sofa. He was 10+ years old and was a sweetheart.

The other 2 were tabby littermates. Sophie was a tiny little female who was bossy and picked fights with the others constantly. She tortured Higgins, one of my beloved cats, until I gave him to my best friend to get him out of the war zone. I still miss him and cry about him to this day. Sage was a lover who loved being touched more than anything in this world. He would sit by anyone who came in this house and repeatedly tap them with his paw if they stopped petting him. He was a love.

Two years ago, they started spraying my house. I had them all tested for physical causes and there were none. I consulted animal communicators, tried DAP pheromone diffusers, bought a carpet shampooer, paid to have my carpet shampooed every 6 weeks for the past 2 years, bought so many gallons of Simple Solution that I couldn't count them, tried every other brand of odor eliminator, treated, retreated, retreated, and retreated. Finally, when I got the odor out of their 2 favorite rooms to spray, I just closed the doors. Then when I needed to work in the office, I would have to shut myself up in here. When I had a guest, I had to make sure that they kept the door to their room shut. If I allowed a cat in either room, they would spray. I thought I had the battle won until night before last. I smelled the telltail odor in the living room. Out came the blacklight to reveal that they were going to town in there, spraying my fabric furniture, my Bose speakers, the fireplace, the barrister bookcase, every single corner of the room, etc., etc. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I knew that I would never win the battle. My mother gave me her full support to put them down because she knows that I have spent nearly $5000 in 2 years on this problem.

Within the past 3 months, these cats had their annual physicals, dentals, blood panels, etc. and were absolutely healthy. I killed healthy animals whose only crime was being true to their nature. My heart is splitting wide open. I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I am mad at God for not giving me another option, for not making them stop destroying my home, for not taking them from this world another way. I feel like I am going to die from the pain.

I have the most tender heart of anyone I know when it comes to animals. I rescue, not kill, them. Everyone I know is very supportive because they know the hell I have been through with this situation but nothing anyone has said has brought me any peace. I need a different perspective.

If I had given them away, I would have subjected them to being abused when they started spraying elsewhere. Having lived inside all their lives, they would have had a terrible adjustment to being 'barn cats', if they could have adjusted at all. I don't think living outside at large is safe anyway. My mom's heart kitty had no front claws (she rescued him that way) so he couldn't live outside. He had a difficult time adjusting when he moved here and grieved for my mom for 2 years before deciding to love me instead. I fear that, at his age, he would have grieved himself to death had I moved him to yet another home. AND he peed on the floor.

I just ran out of options. After lying awake all night, praying for strength, I shut my heart yesterday morning, put them in carriers and dropped them off at the vet. I didn't have the courage to hold them in my arms and love them out of this world like I should have. I am overwhelmed with guilt and regret about that now and I can't stand the thought that I wasn't there for them in their final moments. I couldn't hold them and smooch them and tell them how sorry I was before I took them in. I just had to 'not think about' what I was doing and get them in the crates and in the van. If I had tried to say goodbye, I could never have done what I did.

How am I going to live through this now? I can't eat. I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I want to go back and undo it. Though living as a hostage in my own home was no longer an option either. I am lost. Help me.