This Is So Hard.

My 13 year old furbaby, Sierra, is struggling. She has kidney disease (diagnosed 2 months ago) and hip dysplasia (diagnosed years ago).
She had a hard time last week, which I feel horrible for about. My husband and I were going on vacation (the first in 2 years) and I left Sierra with the boarder, as I had done before.

Well, this time, she paced and paced and refused to eat or drink for almost 24 hours. The boarder got her home and my brother-in-law took over. We flew home early. I immediately took her to the vet and they kept her overnight, giving her 2 liters if IV fluids.

She has been home since Thursday and she is better, but she seems different to me - confused. She is also more wobbly in her hips. I think the experience caused her health to deteriorate.

I am struggling to make it through each day - I feel so horribly depressed - feeling helpless as to what to do. I am crying constantly.

Sierra has been on home-cooked diet for the last 4 years and she refuses to eat the "perscription renal" diet the vet wants her on. So, my husband and I decided to just give her what she wants and loves (her chicken, rice and chopped veggies), even though it will cause her kidneys to deteriorate faster.

She is eating and drinking and sleeping a lot. Does not appear to be in pain There are times in the day when she seems like her old self, then there are times when she seems confused - doggie dementia I guess.

As I was writing this, my husband came in and I told him how I feel that I just cannot do the act of putting her down. I will do it when it is time, but I feel like emotionally I will break.

I have put 3 other pets down in the last 4 years, our cat last December. However, this one seems so much harder to me. I am grieving every day, struggling to put a smile on my face, when inside I feel so helpless and in pain.

I feel like I am repeating myself, but I am in so much pain right now.

I pray over and over that she just passes in her sleep. I don't want her to get so bad that we have to take her in to the vet - that would be unbearable.

Thank you for listening. I have been reading other postings from wonderful people with wonderful words and I thank everyone for their love and support.