Thank You All...

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words of encouragement. It's wonderful to hear from people who understand, and it's very helpful. I've done a little better today. I spent a lot of the day rearranging the living room. I slept through the night without awakening several times, but my baby awoke shortly before 6 to be fed, and I just dread to see that hour approach. It was shortly after 6 a.m. when Friday passed away, and I see the sky out the window and think how that's what it was like on that day - still not quite daylight, and she never got to see the light of day again, and the birds are just starting to wake up - and I feel so badly. I feel a knot in my stomach as that hour approaches. Nighttime is hard as well. It will be a week ago tomorrow that I spent my last day with her - the week has gone so fast. If I had only known it was her last day with me - I would've spent more time with her and given her more attention. I wondered today if it was the bath I gave her a week before with flea shampoo because it says on the bottle to "consult a vet before using on aged, debilitated, etc. cats." You are all right about the guilt... Certainly if we knew, we would do things differently. But I know how it hurts when people tell you, "Well, there's nothing you can do now..." because you think of all the things you could've done if you had only known - so that's definitely no comfort. My husband has told me that, and I can always counter him. I think what bothers me the most is that I can't make sense out of it. I don't know what happened. I don't know WHY she died. If I only knew why. What was wrong?? A friend of my mom's says it sounds as if she was having seizures. WHY was she having seizures?? Was it simply old age and her body gave out? Congestive heart failure? Kidney or hyperthyroid? I feel badly that I had none of this checked. For the longest time I wanted her to get a thorough check-up to be checked for the common age-related diseases, but I never did. I've noticed that it's hard to leave home because I feel I'm leaving her behind, but then when I'm returning home, I don't want to because I'm surrounded by things that remind me of her. Gosh, I can remember last Sunday so well, and how I'd love to be able to relive it again and hold her on my lap outside on the back step like I did.

Nanci - you're in my thoughts and prayers as you experience your first weekend without Arnold. I'm sure it will be very hard for you.

Denise - thank you for the incredible support and hugs.

Kathy - you said it sounds as if she had a very natural death. I've never seen an animal die before. Is it common for an animal to seem to be grasping for breath? It scared me so much - it was like she couldn't breathe - or was being strangled. I feel badly that I panicked and ran off to get my husband. I wasn't there for her last moment - what could she have been thinking when I left her?? I pray she knows that I loved her and didn't mean to leave her like that when she needed me most. I could tell she was scared, and I wasn't there. You sound like me - when Friday died I cried all day and sat outside on the step most of the time. The next day I left the TV on the Discovery channel with all the cooking and home improvement shows - things I never watch, but for some reason they seemed more comforting than the usual things I have on. Sometimes the TV is good when you're alone just to hear the voices. I've not really done much since - I just kind of shut down when things like this happen, although this is the first death of anything close to me I've experienced.

Patti - I'm so sorry about what happened to your Ginger!! Yes, that would indeed make one feel terribly guilty. What a nightmarish week that must've been for you. What you said is so true and made me cry. I do hope she knew I loved her. I did the best I could, but I wish I had done more. I suppose we all do. The page from that book is so true. We never know what Providence has planned for us. I know with Friday's death, things weren't the way I thought they'd be at all. I wanted her to have a quieter death, where I could hold her or stroke her to ease her, and she'd go quietly. Instead, it seems more chaotic, with her stumbling her way to the kitchen chair at the end and falling off it so hard. That hurt me so badly. And I was standing over her panicking then ran off. I don't feel I was much comfort to her at all. It just haunts me that it wasn't peaceful, the way I wanted it to be for her.

Ruth - thank you for your comforting words. They're all very true. I read your posts last night, and my heart goes out to you, too.

Marcia - thank you for your kind words as well. I'm sorry about Hannah and now can say I know how you feel. It's hard coming home without your beloved pet to greet you. Friday almost always came to the door whenever I returned home from somewhere, and it's certainly one of the precious things I miss about her.

Seeking Solace

Hello - I'm new here and so glad I found this site. I suppose I'm just looking for some shoulders to cry on. My beloved cat Friday died Monday morning, completely unexpected, and the pain I've felt since has at times been unbearable. I got up at 4 a.m. to feed my 3 month old. On my way to the kitchen in the dark, I saw a shadow laying on the rug. I turned on a light and saw that it was her laying there. I gave the baby to my husband who had gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom and saw that her paw was limp and she was making an occasional grunting noise. I thought she had maybe hurt her paw and was in pain, so I picked her up and carried her to her basket in the living room. I stayed up with her - my husband fed the baby and they went back to bed. After awhile, she seemed restless, so I sat down with her beside her basket. I live in a small rural area and there are no emergency clinics closer than an hour 15 mins. away, so I kept reassuring her that as soon as the vet opened, we would be there. I tried to comfort her but to no avail. She began meowing and became more restless, then she got up and started behind the TV. I motioned for her to return to the basket, and she did for a second but then started on her way back to the kitchen. She was panting and her pupils were very dilated, so I knew something was going terribly wrong. She hobbled because of her paw, and then she stumbled and her tail began to poof out. I slowly followed behind her. She was going to one of the kitchen chairs, where she had been sleeping her last 3 or 4 days. She tried to hop up on the chair but fell very hard on her side and lay there with her mouth wide open, panting, struggling for breath. I wanted to remain calm - I knew this would be best, but instead I panicked and ran to get my husband. By the time we got back to her, we saw her take her last breath and settle. I've been so upset since. I keep seeing this over and over in my head. She seemed just fine the day before except for some rapid weight loss that I was thinking about taking her to the vet for soon. She was almost 15, and I had been suspecting she had congestive heart failure (she had had a heart murmur for years), but I didn't know for sure. 2 months ago she was having some panting/heavy breathing spells that I took her to the vet for. He said he had been seeing this a lot lately and it was allergies. I gave her the medicine for it for awhile, and I didn't see her have anymore spells, so I assumed he was right. Now I feel that perhaps I was right, and I feel guilty that I didn't INSIST that her heart be checked. There's medicine for this - she might have had another year or 2 if only I had done more. Or maybe she sensed my worry and it upset her and overworked her heart. I don't know. I have no one to talk to about it. My mom and husband both think I should be over it, but how can I be?? She was my constant companion for nearly 15 years. She's all I've known since I graduated from high school. She was always there, and now she's not. I miss so much about her, and there are traces of her yet in the house - hairs, broken-off claws, paw prints on the furniture... How am I supposed to clean when this is all I have left of her physically?? I want to keep everything. I can see her grave under our dogwood tree out nearly every window of the rooms at the back of our house. How do you get through the pain?? The emptiness?? I have 3 other cats, but I don't have the bond with them that I had with her. We had 13 years alone together before the others came around. One is only a month old, and he reminds me so much of her when she was little, and is also black as she was, so sometimes out of the corner of my eye I catch myself thinking it's her. I've been having a hard time eating or sleeping - when I try to sleep, I think and remember. I dread trying to get through each day now. She was my precious baby.