Ashes Are Ready To Be Picked Up--will I Fall Apart

They called to tell me Gimpys ashes are back at the hospital. Will I be Ok when I pick her up? Do I send my fiance? Im wondering what some of your experiences are with this, and how you handled it?

Ready To Share Gimpy's Story

So where do I start about my cat Gimpy? She was the light of my life for 11 years, and I knew one day she would leave me, but I didn’t think about it much, as I am sure we all can relate to that. We know we will most likely outlive them, but the excitement and fun of raising them doesn’t stop us. I just didn’t think she would go the way she did. I gave her the best. The highest quality food, her own drinking fountain, endless supplies of kitty grass, her favorite pet mice, laser lights, everything. She was my baby, and I did the best I could for her. And from what the vets tell me, I did the best even up to her last day. But did I? I know my mind tells me I did, but my heart just cannot accept what has happened yet.
So it all began around November 30, the day after my birthday. I was in Washington DC for a very important and much anticipated FDA panel meeting, with the company I work with. My fiancée who lives with me called me to tell me that when he had come home from work, he found blood stains all around the house, and Gimpy was just sitting there. I panicked and told him to rush him to Angell memorial hospital here in Boston. It was around 8pm, but they are open 24 hours. She was stable, the vet checked her out and told him (they called me from there and had me on speakerphone). She told me that it is most likely a UTI, but it can be kidney disease, or cancer, or a series of other things. Gimpy was sent home with antibiotics. I arrived back in Boston the following day. Thank god, I just couldn’t wait to see my Gumbo, and make sure she was ok. The vet called with the lab results, and they said Gimpy has a high WBC count, lots of bacteria and her renal values where slightly elevated. It was sign of a bad infection and we should administer the medicine. All was OK that first day. Then Sunday came, and she didn’t eat or drink a thing. vomit a few times. I called the vet to discuss. She told me that it may be a reaction to the Clavamox. She said if you want bring her back in the morning and we can change the meds. So Monday I left work early because it was nagging me and I didn’t want to wait. I rush her back, and her antibiotics where changed. The vet examined her, said she was slightly dehydrated, gave some IV fluids, some pepsid to help her tummy and some appet*ite stimulant. (this is totally ironic, my cat on appet*ite stimulants! She used to be 16 pounds, I have gotten her down to 12). She improved Tuesday and then Wednesday again, she was just lethargic, and tired, a little shakey and just out of it. I noticed that she still seemed like she was in some pain/discomfort. She was always sitting in what I call ‘bug pose’: legs tucked under the body, but the body is upright and not in a relaxed position. I realized that if this was just bladder infection, after 5 days of antibiotics, I would expect her to be better. I spoke to people who validated this, people whose cats responded in 2 days after strong antibiotics. This was not the case here. Thursday I rush her back to the vet, I couldn’t take it anymore. She had vomit green liquid. Not eating, not drinking, totally uninterested in food and anything she used to take pleasure in. I realized, I am either going to stay up all night just staring at her, or I can take her in and know she is being treated. It was a different doctor there, she was a sharp vet who immediately said this must be a kidney infection. Her vitals where worse than Monday, low temperature, higher kidney and a low blood pH, which indicates high toxicity levels as a result of poor kidney function.. So Gimpy was admitted and was to stay for a few days. She was diagnosed with ‘acute renal insufficiency’. They were to treat her aggressively with IV fluids, antibiotics and whatever else they would think she would need. I told them do whatever, there is not price on my cats life. Friday morning, the vet called with an update. Gimpys kidney levels hadn’t normalized yet, her blood ph only slightly improved. Anyway, the hospital had visting hours so I went to see my Gimpy. She saw me and was happy, sniffed me, buried her head in my chest like she did. I cried my eyes out. It was so sad. So sad to see her leg bandaged up with an IV, oh it was just awful. Then she just sat there again, lethargic and her little body was twitching a little. I spend the whole designated hour with her, petting her singing songs to her that I made up for her.
Friday night: I have family visitng from out of town. We are all at my finaces sisters house. I am anxiously waitng for my 5 pm update. I couldn’t eat, talk or anything with anyone. The vet calls. They did an ultrasound of her bladder and found she had a bladder tumor. At the time the option was to use nsaids to try and shrink the tumor, not chemo, but she said if the tumor grew fast, it may shrink, and if it does, it can help her kidney function. Basically, the tumor was causing all this. We discussed all the options, the oncologist was going to call me in the AM and tell me what we will do, what to expect etc etc etc. I couldn’t belive it. I was sick. Sick, numb, mostly numb. Now, Angell memorial is part of the MSPCA, and I knew they believe in quality of life first and foremost so I said, ok, lets start the treatment, Gimpy is a fighter and she will be OK, she can get better. An hour passes and they call me from there again to tell me that Gimpys values are now off the charts. Het BUN was over 500, her creatnine was not measurable anymore it was off the charts. She told me that their hands are tied. We need to treat to tumor to get the kidneys back, but the medicine to treat the tumor is hard on the kidneys. Her voice was shaking as was mine. I knew Gimpy wasn’t going to make it out of this. This was bad. She was in total kidney failure. Her left kidney was enlarged, she wasn’t urinating anymore they told me.
Now, my finace who has been my strength through all of this is in a final for law school. I told the vet that I needed to wait until he was done, that I needed him and I just needed time. When he got home I told him everything. We called the vet together, he called for me because I just couldn’t think straight anymore. Gimpy was just not doing well. We really didn’t have to make the decision because it was almost made for us. I even asked him if they were sure they had the right labs, and there is no mistake! But, when you talk to three vets in one day who all talk to you…….it was just the worst moment of my life.
Now, maybe this is where I can be judged, I don’t know, but, I couldn’t go to the vet to see the euthanasia. I could not go see her knowing it was my LAST time seeing her. When I was there earlier, I didn’t know what was coming. I knew that I couldn’t say goodbye, that I would have not let them do it. No way. There was no way. Especially because the vet told me that Gimpy should appear more sick given her values and her failing organs. I guess she was a little more alert than they would expect.
My finace went though. He wanted to see her, because he didn’t have that chance earlier in the day. He didn’t stay (he said that he couldn’t stay even when his dog Oliver was put down many years ago) I cant begrudge anyone for that. Anyway, sometimes I feel so guilty because I ask did I act selfish? But then again if I cried and was hysterical wouldn’t that effect Gimpy too? Its not like I had time to even prepare for this. I just don’t know. I know she was suffering and glad it didn’t last too long. The vet didn’t want us to wait too long. I was afraid if I went I would have told them to wait, that I cant do it, Then I worried that Gimpy would enter a coma, or cardiac arrest, or who knows. She seemed to be having little seizures, the twitching and stuff. I couldn’t bear to hear that she is suffering worse. Oh boy, its been the worst few weeks of my life. I just cant believe this happen. Bladder cancer in cats? Its so rare. I beat myself up thinking its my fault. I told the vet over and over ‘did I do something wrong, what have I done?’ He sent a message with my finance to tell me I cannot think that way. ‘Please tell her not to think that’
The vet who admit Gimpy was back at work Sunday. She heard the news and called me to talk to me. It was a sense of closure. I really liked her. I could tell she was a sharp doctor who really cared. She took the time to answer all my questions and assured me I did my best. I had looked through Gimpys medical records and realized an ultrasound was done in febuary of her bladder (she had peed blood then so I took her in—ended up being idiopathic cyst*itis—cleared up, no more issues)
Now my precious Gimpy is gone. My friend, through all these years. She grew up with me. She was with me in my 20’s, a tumultuous time in my life. I am doing better now. But im still not right. I have had dreams of her, think of her 24 hours a day. Thank you for letting me share my story. Thank you for reading if you did. I loved that cat more than I loved most things in life. The irony of it all is that I slimmed her down to a better weight to avoid diabetes, or any other disease, and this is what happen. Its not fair at all. It wasn’t her time to go. She was fine one week, and dying the next. Words cant do justice to how special she was. I even had a website for her (made it years ago) because I wanted to share with the world what a funny cat I had. www.gimpyisfat.com
I love you Gimpy. I am so sorry for what happen. I hope you are not mad at me.