Goodbye Lucky

I have just been through the most emotionally draining experience of my ife. My beautiful cross collie Lucky was put to sleep on Friday. She was my constant companion for 15 years since we got her from the rescue home when she was 8 weeks old. I will forever treasure the memories of the many happy years we spent together.

She was always beautiful and sleek with a gleaming black coat but unfortuantely time was taking its toll. She had arthritis and was becoming more and more feeble. Sometimes she could not stand up and I to lift her to her feet. I have been agonising for the last 4 months about when or whether I could pluck up the courage to say goodbye. I always knew that I would have trouble letting go and the fact that she didn't really have a serious medical problem but was simply fading away made it an impossible task to decide when the moment was right. I always just wanted to give her more time but the quality of that time was diminishing fast

I finally plucked up the courage 10 days ago and made the appointment at the vet for the following week so that I had one final week to say my goodbyes. I wanted to take her out for lots of walks but whenever I took her outside the house she just wanted to go back inside and go back to sleep so I respected her wishes and ended up just giving her lots of her favourite food. The only way I could get through the week was by simply trying to blank it out completelyand try to pretend it wasn't happening. The week whizzed past until on Friday I took her out for her final walk and while we were out in the woods we met a young family who were making a big fuss of her and saying how lovely and sweet she was. She happily stood there as they all stroked and fussed over her. They were asking me all about her and I could barely speak as I was fighting back the tears knowing that she looked so lovely and happy and yet only a few short hours of her precious life remained.

The short walk to the vets was the longest walk of my life and I thought my heart was going to break as I held her in my arms as she drew her final breath.

I am now going through an unbearable mix of emotions - grief, sadness, guilt, anger, loss. I feel horrendously empty inside and I feel guilty, guilty that maybe I let her go too soon and also guilty that maybe I left it too late and should have let her go sooner. But the worst feeling of all is that I feel relief that the decision has been made and the agony of indecision has come to an end. How can I feel relieved that I will never again look into those beautiful brown eyes or hear the tinkling of her name tag on her collar as she ambles through the woods at my side? She has been a huge part of my life and her presence has brought me such joy, happiness and unconditional love for so long and I cannot believe that I feel a sense of relief. That just fuels my guilt and makes me angry with myself.

Lucky, I know that you will forgive me if I let you down at the end. Whether I waited too long or didn't wait long enough I honestly don't know but I hope you understand that I was only trying to do what I thought was best for you.

I will love you forever - you will alway be in my thoughts.

God Bless