Fresh Grief

Not up to doing anything fancy with coding. Just hurting. Feels like everything in my life is steeping in the grief after putting my dog to sleep this morning.

At least he was only really sick a few days, and I had one him one whole day to myself where I could say goodbye while he was still with it.

We watched the sun come up this morning after stumbling and having to be carried/drug (he weighed over 120 lbs) onto the front lawn. He was more alert than he had been in 3 days. He chewed on a few ice cubes, and seemed to be
enjoying the breeze and the sunshine and the nice day, he tired quickly.

And fell asleep with his head on my lap, and waited for the vet. The vet is a family friend, so she put him to sleep after saying her own goodbyes and carried him back to the practice and took care of all the paperwork.

He was 11, which for a Newfoundland is a good ripe old age. And while we always know we will outlive our pet, somehow, when the day comes, we are never quite ready for it. I wasn't. Am not.

I feel crazy being so out of control upset, but I can't stop crying. I've tried everything, going out in public, cleaning the house, working out, taking a long bath, being alone, meditating but it just steeps into everything I do.

I feel like I should just finish blast funacing my soul and going to the park where we would always have a great time. And force myself to confront the fact that I will be there alone from now on. But I think that would hurt too much. That I would just blubber like a lunatic and be dragged off to the looney bin. ;-) ;-(

Sorry if I've brought anyone down. But the grief is so fresh and hot that I just have to share it . Let it cool off. Kind of like bread out of the oven.