I Need To Forgive My Husband

Thursday was my son's 14th birthday, and we spent it together on his 8th grade trip to Springfield for two days (I was a chaperone). When we returned home on Friday afternoon, my little buddy Toby wasn't in the house to greet me as he usually is. My youngest daughter told me he was outside. So I went out to look for him and he was nowhere around. We live in the country and own a small business. My husband's office is in a building on our property about 500 yards from the house. When I went into his office to ask him about Toby, he told me that Toby was dead. I became hysterical. When he told me that he backed his truck up without looking and ran Toby over, it was unbearable. He was very despondent and sorry, but I could not help but be angry at him. Toby was in the back of his truck covered with my husband's shirt, and when I touched him he was still warm. I cried many tears over his little body and told him I was sorry that I was gone, that maybe if I was home he would have been in the house with me. He would sit at the window for hours waiting for my car whenever I would leave. He was my shadow, we did everything together. He was the best friend a person could have. He was 12, my youngest daughter doesn't know life without him and my son can't remember life without him. I have really tried to comfort my kids but it has blasted a hole in my heart. My husband has also cried many tears, some in front of the kids. We buried Toby yesterday, so I have the comfort of knowing he is near. This pain is more unbearable than I thought I was capable of feeling. These posts I have been reading say the pain will go away but I don't believe it. It was a horrible unneccesary accident, and I know my husband did not mean to do this. I have tried to get over my anger with him and forgive, and outwardly I am telling him that I know it was an accident. He is suffering in ways that I cannot imagine because he was the one responsible for taking my little buddy. But sometimes I can't even look at him. I miss Toby so much, I expect to see him when I walk around a corner or I hear him breathing under my desk. He should be here with me now, and I feel that in some way I let him down because I was gone for two days. And now he is gone forever.