The Guilt Is Still There

Its been 2 months today since I lost my little man Louie. Its hard to believe its only been that short of time, it seems like its been years. I went to bed last night thinking 2 months ago was the last time he slept with me and woke up this morning with a heavy heart the first thing i thought was this was the last morning I had with him. Im really trying to accept the fact he's gone and I hope I will be with him again someday. I wish I could get some kind of sign from him letting me know that there was something else for him besides this life. There are days I wish I would see a kitty ghost. I know that sounds crazy but its the way I feel. At least that would let me know he's just past on to another phase. The guilt I carry is still there. I was hoping with time it was ease but it hasn't. All the what if's, if I didn't make the appointment with the vet he would still be here. Maybe if I took him to another vet this would not have happened? I feel like instead of moving forward I seem to take steps backwards. I found a poem on the Internet and I framed with along with a picture of him, its all I have left of him. I wanted to share it with everyone, when I read it, it makes me feel a little better. I hope it makes someone else feel the way I do when I read it.

On velvet paws as soft as night
you crept into my heart
And there you will live always, although we're now apart
I think of you quite often
how you slept and where you sat
You purr now in my memory,
my precious cherished cat
And in a place where rainbows shine, and summer never ends
I'll be with you forever Louie, and hold you once again.

Louie Died From Sedative

February 21st will be a day I wil never forget the rest of my life. I took my healthy 2 year old cat to the vet to get neutered. They told me he would be there most of the day and they would call me when he was stable enough to come home. Needless to say I sat by the phone waiting for them to call me so I could bring him home. I wasnt worried about the surgery itself. Everyone I know has taken their cats in for the surgery. I felt it was the responsible thing to do. I thought i educated myself on the subject, everything I read said it was a routine operation and he would be fine. I was more worried about him being scared and alone or even getting lost. At 12:30 that afternoon my phone rang, it was the vet. I couldnt believe what she was saying to me. She told me they took Louie in at 11:30 that morning and gave him a sedative , at 11:36 he went into cardic arrest and they tried everything they knew to save him but they couldnt bring him back. The whole day seems like a nitemare I cant wake up from. Within minutes I was at the vets office looking at my best friend in the whole world laying life less in a little white box. Im having a real hard time dealing with this. The guilt Im living with is unbearable. The vet told me he must have had an allergic reaction to the sedative. Has anyone every heard of such a thing happening?