It's Been A Little Over Two Months...

I think Sunday's will hard for me for a long time. Sunday (Jan. 22) is the day we lost Rusty. My son and my husband were out running errands on that day and this past Sunday when the two of them were out again, I was flooded with memories. I struggled through Sunday and could not hold back any more yesterday. I tried to come here, but I couldn't get to this site. I just miss him so much.

I Feel So Selfish Each Time I Post Here...

I feel completely selfish. I come here for comfort, but I cannot return the favor. Each time I try to read other posts (or post on my own) I am overwhelmed by pain once again. I still miss my Rusty so much, I just want him back in my arms! My husband almost refuses to even think about him and I cannot stop. I just needed to say "I love you Rusty, I miss you Rusty and you will forever be in my heart."

Almost Two Weeks Since We Lost Rusty...

I have to admit, I spend most of my time trying not to think about Rusty, sometimes it seems almost easy and other times the waves of pain come back. Yesterday I was showing my husband some pictures of our daughter (she was also in the room) and I had forgotten that Rusty was with her on the couch in the pictures. She was immediately devastated (she's 4) and so was I. All day today she has been sad about him as well. She remembers the way he cried after my husband brought him in after he was hit and just before he died. She talks about how he was hurt and it just breaks my heart. I am crying too much to type any more at this time, thank you all so much for letting me continue to share...

I Just Can't Keep The Bad Thoughts Out...

I just can't stop thinking of the tragic way that Rusty was killed. I can't talk to my husband about this (he was driving the truck that hit Rusty), but I just can't stop replaying it over and over in my mind. Rusty had been known to crawl up into my husband's truck (engine) and get stuck there, we would have to lift open the hood and let him out. I was obsessive about making sure the truck was never started without knowing where he was (except for last Sunday morning). If it were not bad enough that my husband ran him over with the back tire of his truck (he had no idea where he came from...that is why my mind won't let go of this), I keep imagining that he was scared and trapped in the truck for an hour while my husband ran errands and when he was yards from home, he fell out and was run over. I feel like I failed him! I feel like a horrible pet owner for not making sure that he was in the house before my huband left. I ache for the pain that he must have gone through. He found me and I feel like I failed him...

I Keep Looking For Him...

I was fooled into thinking that I might be able to function yesterday until I realized that instead of being heartbroken, I was angry. The unbearable sadness has returned today and I just keep looking for Rusty, expecting him to walk into the room and jump on my lap. I want him back so badly and yet I still struggle with believing that this entire nightmare is real. I keep trying to attach a picture of Rusty so that I can share his precious face with all of you but I just can't seem to make it work. I am in so much pain right now.