My Baby Eja

Well, Before I start off I want to first say I have been reading all of your stories and I am truly sorry for the loss of all of your babies. You will all be in my prayers.

On July 16 2003 my mom and I were looking through a newspaper trying to find a shih-tzu puppy we could get. We found a woman who owned a kennel, and we went to the kennel the exact same day we phoned this woman with the puppies. Well, my mom and I went to the kennel and saw the most precious little puppies. But there was 1 in particular I fell inlove with. He kept licking my face and would lay his head on my shoulder like a little baby. We took him home and named him Eja (Asia). We had him almost six months when my whole life fell apart. On January 3 2004 my mom and aunt had went to a babyshower and I had gotten up and gotten a towel and walked past the back door (we kept him on the back deck on a leash to use the restroom every morning) and I noticed his leash tied to the bottom of the table and his leash hanging off the deck. A thought flashed through my mind but then I just figured he was probably playing in the backyard with my other dog. But about an hour later my mom came in my room crying and she told me Eja had died. He had tried to jump off the deck and.... this hurts but i'm just gonna come out and say that he hung himself. I thought maybe there was a mistake and a possibility they were wrong, but I went beside the little building in my back yard where my dad had laid his little body and I knelt down, and I knew he was gone. I touched him and there was no movement, no sound, just quiet. His body was stiff. I sat there in the freezing cold for so long apologizing to him and begging God to give him back to me. Almost two years later I still cannot believe hes gone. I feel like I let it happen and i'm just so sorry. I should have been watching him and I am to blame. I just wish he knew how sorry I am. I want him back so much and it's like thinking about that whole thing makes my knees weak and it almost makes me sick to my stomach. What I really worry so much about is that he suffered. I'm so scared that he just hung there and suffered and was scared and really wished I was there. I'm in pain writing this as of right now and I just wanna know when am I gonna be able to live with what I did? I miss him so bad. He was everything to me, he really was. He made me happy and I always always let him have his way in anything. You know how puppies and dogs are. They are stubborn and like their way. I couldn't imagine ever telling him no or ever not letting him have his way. I know he is happy and is just fine because hes home with jesus, but I am so scared he suffered. And I have so much its like it could eat me alive. The time I should have been there most I was taking a shower and my baby was gone. The night before it happened i kissed him on his little head and told him i love him. It was a precious moment because he was asleep soundly and snoring a little bit. But I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. And I let it happen. When will the pain stop?

Thank you for reading this, it was hard writing and telling my story but I guess it does feel somewhat better to have gotten that out

God bless you all