Unable To Work

You have all been so great--your words & wishes have been so comforting. THANK YOU!!!!

Each day that passes without Beasley I find myself getting better in some ways while getting worse in others. I have been trying to cope w/ his death & the loss of our relationship by speaking w/ family, friends, & professionals, but I am unable to shake the terrible images, sounds, and fitful sensations of that night. While I find that I can more easily smile about the many cute things that Beasley did during his few short months with us, now that I'm able to do that, I'm also able to become more ANGRY & depressed that I won't see him or those cute things again because of what happened.

At first I was overwhelmed with shock, sadness, physical pain, guilt, and loss of our dear baby and our best friend. Now I still feel those things, some more, some less at times, but I also feel angry, exhausted, and more depressed, as though there's an opaque veil over my eyes in which I can still see but everything is darkened and distant. While I've never been an angry person before, I have been depressed and/or anxious (though my symptoms have been mild & have never caused me to endanger myself in any way). The Anger aspect is minimal but still scarey enough because it's unfamiliar. Just as when I felt (and sometimes still feel) guilty, I'd look back and ask, "why?" about so many different things. The same thing is hapening now, but instead of blaming myself, I'm starting to get angry at the dog-owner and the dog himself. I know I can be angry at both but I believe I can't blame them, because afterall, it was an accident, right?

I want to ask--"Why was this dog there when you told us, when we called earlier, that he wouldn't be?" "Why wasn't he on a leash?" "Why didn't you put the dog to sleep after he bit other people in the past?" "Why did my baby have to die because of all these things???"

I won't ask these questions now or probably ever because the owner of the dog who killed our Beasley is my husband's best friend since he was a kid. He feels so awful & so helpless--he took his dog to be euthanized right on the spot. At first I didn't want him to have to lose his baby, too, but I think he was probably right to do it. He lives in a duplex with another couple who have a brand new baby--incidently, they are good friends of his AND the original owner of this pitbull/rottweiler. I also want to ask them when they knew he had violent tendencies, instead of passing the dog onto someone else, why not put it to sleep? Instead they gave it to my husband's (and my) friend who loved the dog dearly, knowing that he had the potential to be dangerous but only seeing the love that this dog gave him directly.

The summary of this post should be that I'm not at work again today because I'm gradually coping with the loss itself (some times are better, some are worse), but the dynamics involved, including the violent death that both his dad & I witnessed, as well as a strained friendship, and the intermingling of anger, depressive thoughts & physical pain, are too much to bear.
I feel lost, angry, and so much unlike my usual self. I work at a job where I have to talk to people all day, which means I would have to put on a cheery facade and sit at my desk like everything's a-ok. In reality, I feel trapped enough in my comfortable places (surrounded by friends, family, other people's pets), and on a normal day sometimes I feel trapped & contained at my desk with all of the quotas and timeframes and goals, and since I'm on the phone pretty much all day, if I get upset and start crying I can't just get up and leave--we have strict time limits on being unavailable for calls as well. I know I can't get comfort from those around me because it's not a social environment, nor is it an environment that makes any exceptions to the rules.

I might lose my job--I work just Mondays through Wednesdays (a great schedule that allowed me to spend more time w/ Beasley & do creative, fun things---I got my degree in college to become an art historian/architectural historian...since I'm not working in that field, I do temp jobs, part time, that allow some extra income but still give me time to be me.) Now this job might let me go (temps are pretty dispensible, but I was on-track to being hired on), but I would love to maintain this job so when we get a new puppy or puppies, I would have 4 days of the week to dedicate to being w/ them & training them along w/ my husband. Luckily my husband does well with his career, but I hate to put it all on him because in times of financial stress, my income does make a small difference.

I know I will go back on Monday--if they will take me back...our call-in system is reporting an absence via voicemail, & no one has returned my calls since Monday, in which my boss seemed pretty supportive but I also know that being business-minded is one of her most prominent traits, so she may not accept 3 days away from work. I tried to stay professional on those calls, letting her know that I'm probably disappointing myself as much as I've disappointed her because I do feel irresponsible for not going back to work. Each call, though, I broke down. I'm a mess, I guess, but I know that allowing that to come out is a huge no-no in the corporate world. So we'll see. My husband & family say that won't be disappointed or upset w/ me if I get fired, but I know it will only add to my guilt and sadness (I've never been fired before!)

So it's a double-edged sword. I know I need to go back to work but the time that it's taking me might be slightly more than it might take someone else. 3 days away from my desk doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but as I said before, my company has strict policies in regard to attendance & work output, deadlines, quotas, etc: all these things I could never complete, let alone be there & speak with people all day when all I know I really need to do is try to make myself sane in the only way I know how right now--be in a comfortable place where I can meditate and sort through the emotions and sadness and anger.

Thank you SO MUCH again for taking the time to read this long (and probably annoying ) post. Take care & our hearts are with you, too, as you work your way through these difficult days.

kel

Completely Devastated

We lost our precious puppy Beasley 2 days ago. He was a yorkie-maltese mix, only 7 months old, about 4 pounds--he had big ears that stood up (and triggered a lot of laughs and smiles) and the cutest beady eyes that drove straight through my soul. I can't stand thinking that he's not here with his dad and me anymore--he was our first pet and we literally built our world around him when he first came home with us as a handful of fluffy fur with an ever-wagging tail. From that day until Saturday, our world was filled with so much happiness and love that we wondered how we ever lived without him.

Today our world is quite different because Beasley's not in it. Not only are we grieving the loss of our baby boy, but we are also stuck with the sick imagery of how it happened. Beasley was attacked by a Pitbull/Rottweiler mix--I can't even describe the viciousness of the incident--it was probably the most awful, violent thing I've ever experienced, and sadly my mind replays it over and over again whether I'm sleeping or awake. Beasley was everything to us...though he was only a puppy, we had such a strong relationship and had created so many great memories. However, these wonderful memories and all the good things that happened when he was alive are consistently eclipsed by the cir%%stances of his death.

We drove 2 and 1/2 hours to a house-warming party...we brought Beasley with us because he was invited to come along as there would be other dogs, specifically puppies, there. We initially made the decision not to bring him, and our good friend already offered to watch him for the day. However, the day before the party, we decided that we would bring Beasley because he loved to be around dogs, people, (and cats!). Before going to the party, we called a friend to make sure his dog--a pitbull/rottweiler mix--would not be there, and he assured us that he wouldn't. So with that we knew it would be okay to bring Beas since he's always enjoyed the company of others, and the socialization would be good for him. Walking up to the house, someone joked that the dogs in the yard would "rip that little dog apart". I laughed because I saw a golden retriever puppy and a lab, both puppies but still considerably larger than our boy, but nothing that was out of the ordinary since he had plenty of playmates of all breeds and sizes back home. Only seconds later, after I set Beasley down, he was gently greeted with sniffs and wagging tails from those dogs--and then this pitbull mix came out of nowhere and lunged at Beasley, and then it was over. I screamed, still holding the leash, and even now as I type, I have the same ringing in my ears and the same feelings of intense helplessness and overwhelming panic. Someone managed to get the pitbull away though I don't know how, but at that point I only remember someone yelling "he broke his neck" and my husband grabbing our sweet puppy and screaming and crying--he kept saying, "my baby, my baby". At that point I can only remember those intense feelings, the ringing in my ears, and my husband's screams. He fell to the ground w/ Beasley and sobbed but I couldn't comfort him--I walked away and I could only shake with what felt like convulsions. I could only think, no, no, no, no...

The sight of my sweet puppy is more than I could/can stand...we knew he was gone but a kind stranger drove us to a vet that was closed. We knew he was gone but my husband even tried CPR and urged Beasley to stay with us as I cried and begged from the backseat. When we got back to the house, my husband had to carry our puppy in a blood-soaked towel...I couldn't stand it & I still can't...he had to get a bag to wrap him in for the 2 and 1/2 trip home. I sat on the curb and cried by myself until another stranger, the kindest woman, came to comfort me. I don't know who she was or where she came from, but for a split-second, she attempted to comfort me as my body convulsed with shock and despair.

We of course left immediately. After the longest ride home, with our baby lifeless in the back, we couldn't go back to our house so we stayed with my parents. They have been so supportive--they love Beasley, and they're also animal people...they have a cat & have suffered pet loss before. We buried Beasley in my parents' yard (they live in the country) next to my childhood dog, Candi. My parents, along with my brother & two good friends, grieved with us as we said goodbye to our Beasley.

I can't stand that he's gone, and I am sick with sadness and guilt. I shouldn't have gone to this party, I shouldn't have brought Beasley along, I shouldn't have set him down. People say that the pitbull would have attacked Beasley even if I had been holding him, thus hurting me, too, but I don't care. Physical wounds resulting from that would not possibly hurt more than this.

My husband and I had so many plans for the upcoming years, most of them including Beasley. We definitely never imagined that he would be gone so soon, in such a violent and tragic way. I haven't been able to sleep or eat, and we are both plagued with fits of crying. I've always been very sensitive when it comes to animals...unable to watch or hear anything that depicts an animal in distress. Now it's actually happened to me, and it's not some fictional scenario, but something that actually happened & I have to live with for the rest of my life, and I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

I do have a great support system with my husband, family, and friends, and my husband and I already visited a grief counselor today because we both feel overwhelmed by what some people might call "just a dog's" death...but as you all know, they're not just pets, they're companions, best friends, babies...they love us unconditionally, and I would do anything for my pet. Now I just feel lost because I thought I could do anything for Beasley, but I couldn't save him, and now he's not here. I need to know that he's watching us, somehow, somewhere that I can't see, because I need to have him with me. He was our world, and I need to know that I will see him again one day in heaven, because he HAS to be there--heaven without our pets wouldn't be heaven at all.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post...I'm sorry for the length. Most of all, I'm sorry for your many losses & our thoughts are also with you while you grieve your dear companions. As an animal lover, I know this is not a trivial relationship, but a very important one, one that may last years or only a few short months. Either way, our pets are little angels that make our lives better, and now I'm struggling to find out how to make it at all.

Beasley really was our world--we told him so many times a day how much we love him, and I hope he still knows, because as devastated as I am, I couldn't handle it if he died scared & feeling unloved because we couldn't help him in time.

Your posts are all filled with so much strength and support...thank you for providing a sense of comfort to those who've lost their babies like we have this weekend.

Thanks for listening and take care.
Beasley's mom,
kel


[QUOTE][FONT=Times][COLOR=green]We love you Beasley!!!

Devastated & Destraught

sorry, duplicate post.