My Beautiful Meow Died Yesterday

We had to have our beautiful tortoiseshell Meow cat euthanized yesterday morning after a valiant struggle with kidney disease. She was only 12 or 13. She made the decision, but it was so damn hard...she was so perky on the way to the vet's office that we almost turned around. Once we were there, she turned back into the pitiful, skinny kitty who wouldn't eat or drink. We talked for a long time before she made the decision, looking up and saying "please end my pain" in her own special way. The physical part wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The vet, who also loved her very much, gave her a tranquilizer first and we sat with her and talked about all the good times...her favorite toys, silly antics, things we did to get on each other's nerves. We also talked about who she should look for at the Rainbow Bridge, and she's there right now telling everyone what's what (she always was a feisty little cat).

She went very peacefully, and that was a blessing. But now my husband and I don't know what to do. We look for her everywhere and things just seem so wrong without her. It's hard to sleep, and almost impossible to be cheerful and normal for our other cat, who's also looking for her and seems depressed. I've been through this before with my childhood cat who was 18 and died in my arms, but it hasn't gotten any easier.

I just can't concentrate and it's so hard to be here and know that she's not coming back. I also feel guilty because I was on a business trip and I think she waited for me to come home before deciding it was time to go. I'm honored that she wanted me here, but can't help wondering whether she suffered for me. We love her so much. Will the pain ever end?